I was inadvertently made aware of something recently that cause me to pause…in typical “Amy fashion”- reflection quickly came next.

I tried to explain my thought process to my husband but (he is out of town so this was through a cell phone conversation -NOT texting, believe it or not!) all I heard was crickets…

God bless this man who has lived through at LEAST 10,000 “revelations” of mine over the 17 years of marriage …needless to say, he does not always respond…I like to think he is deeply pondering my musings….but…I may be wishing for too much there!

Anyhow, I do not think I had my thoughts very clear (which is often the case when I am verbally processing an idea) and he was very tired…I’ll let it slide- it is well known that to my being a woman of many words, he is a man of few. I have learned to read much into his two word responses and silent contemplation- all of it positive and supportive, of course!

An “old” friend (meaning one whom I have known since I was a child NOT old in age at all) brought to my attention her absence at a time when it seemed I needed a friend the most.

I began to mull over that time in my life…which led to thinking about the seasons of friendship we seem to experience.

This becomes a tricky post at this point.

Look around you…who do you see surrounding you, right now?

(Not literally of course- figuratively visualize the people you have surrounded yourself with)

How many have you chosen versus how many have been given to you? Friends or family…

Are you close to them?

Do you share your deepest vulnerabilities with a few, maybe, or none at all?

Who do you spend the most time with? By choice or by obligation…

I started to think this way…and thought back to different times in my life and remembered who was there.

I have had wonderful friends throughout the years; grade school friends, high school friends (some I have reconnected with through Facebook, which has been pretty cool), college friends, work friends, church friends, family who are friends…

There have been some that, looking back, I wonder “what was I thinking?? I should have moved to a different lunch table and sat with other friends!”

There are others that I wonder where on earth they disappeared to…doesn’t EVERYONE use Facebook for crying out loud???

Then there are those that seem to be in your life for a season…to meet a need, to get you through…

They breeze into your world and mesh so completely that it would be hard to think of life without them, and then breeze out after a fashion. The breezing out hurts…why doesn’t it work anymore? Am I mad at you? Are you mad at me? There are so many confusing emotions that bring unnecessary conflict into an already changing season.

To know me is to know that I am a relational person. I value authentic relationships and crave emotional intimacy within friendships.

The only way I can describe it is I desire a sister and everything I believe (perhaps falsely) a sister relationship could be.

*Note: I said could and not should*

For as long as I can remember, I pretended to be “twins” with my best friends – I mean in grade school, not now… that would be creepy!

Think about what that means though…twins share everything, do everything together, have the same interests…they are closer than close.

Is this realistic to achieve? Probably not, but when talking about matters of the heart who is realistic?

My point is, I enjoy spending time with someone who likes to do what I like to do, shares my interests and dreams, and enjoys spending time with me too.

Is that “wish on a star” thinking? I think it’s honest thinking.

Now, my husband- he is great…a fabulous guy! I am beyond lucky to have him! But, let’s face it, he did not want to go see Beauty and the Beast with me at all….he does not care what kind of shoes I buy (but he will hang out in the shoe section while I shop!). He did do side-by-side pedicures and massages on our tenth wedding anniversary with me.. but, after, he told me that the next time I can just get two of each and call it good!

He is not exactly “sister” material.

His sister sure was though…in her, we had our retirement set, our future vacation plans made, kids graduations planned, Sunday dinners, shared holiday stress, and date nights booked.

Until reality breezed in through the door and took her away with the wind.

That’s where I saw the void….this unidentified craving that had been fulfilled by different people over the years until I met Dee…and has been empty ever since.

Recently, I actually said that I believed that God was depriving me of a kind of relationship that I desired so deeply.

With that perspective about God, it is no wonder I spiraled into a pool of loneliness and abandonment.

My God is good…He does not deprive me of anything that brings good into my life. It simply is not how He works.

Period.

So…I am back to the seasons.

In no way has anyone left me when I needed them or let me down in my sorrow. Most people have no idea how to help someone who just had a loved one die, especially if they have never experienced loss…or that kind of loss. There were those that had been with me for a long time who did the absolute best that they could to comfort me.

After the death of my sister in law, my pain went deeper than most knew, even what I knew myself, so all efforts of comfort were a temporary help…like building a bridge over a crater without the bottom of the crater being stabilized.

When the crater gap keeps growing the bridge ultimately collapses. My friends and family were that bridge…holding me together as best as they could in the ways they knew how. But, the crater in me kept growing.

After she died, I changed. I could not be the same girl I was before anymore…it was not possible. How I viewed life, the world, my family, my hobbies and habits were now being viewed through the eyes of someone whose heart had been broken…it was like I had been wearing rose colored glasses and they were suddenly ripped off revealing a world full of many different colors- I could not see through the glasses anymore after seeing the color choices before me.

God changed me next, from the inside out. As He gently healed my wounded heart and helped me to navigate through this new way of “seeing”, I became someone new.

This brought another season.

This one has been painful as I adjust…

I find that I am thankful now. The beautiful thing about seasons is that although they may change they do also cycle back again- one winter may not look like the last, but it is still winter.

Friendships can be like that too…adapting to the changing climate or sometimes seemingly going into a somewhat dormant state. I believe, though, that things that sleep always wake again so it’s ok to keep doing what you need to do in the meantime.

Once my eyes were opened, and I confessed my wrong idea about God to Him, I could now see WHO is around me…

I can see that my “sister” has come in many packages over the years. These wonderful women have given me counsel, offered an ear to listen, made me laugh, shopped with me (and appreciated my shoe selection!), given into my gluttonous choices of too much chicken AND pie with plenty of buttery egg noodles in one sitting, prayed with me and for me, cried with me, waited with me, cheered me on, corrected me ( I am not a fan of that, but it is has happen from time to time), sang with me, and danced with me.

She has had many different names…Joann, Georgiann, Kristie, Andrea, Amy, Jennifer, Dee, Jamie, Alison, Julie, Chelsea, Lydia, Tracie, Chrissy, Kylie, Stacy, Suzie, Ingrid, Miranda, Laura, Deb, Shirley, Teresa, and so many more!

I have never been “deprived”…it has been my expectation and perspective that had me all messed up! I figured she needed to be in the package that I desired and the Lord has shown me the one He gave me.

So many…meeting different needs at different times…what a tapestry of art that is as they are all interwoven together. God has known me, seen me, and given me what He knew I needed all along! He met the desires of my heart tenfold.