I am posed with these questions today:

“Can you still encourage and build even when you are facing your own life crisis? Can you still point others to where their source of strength lies when you are in one of your darkest moments?”

(The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 145)

 

Well can I???

In my quest for authenticity, I struggle with writing when my reality becomes a crushing pressure. I want to write my thoughts and feelings…even the deep, dark, ugly truths…but I fear my intensity will be misunderstood as something other than real…I doubt whether people really want the truth or if they are more content with believing the surface appearance that I have it all together?

Well…

Jesus told us that in this world we will have troubles but to take heart because He overcame this world…and the troubles in it.

That means, Christ follower or not, I will have pain…trials…suffering…illness…doubts that plague me…grief…fear…

Having peace in the midst of it all is the purpose of this blog…I guess that means I am going to be challenged in my purpose.

The picture above was from last night. It was 2:30 in the morning and I was awake on the couch under the comforting weight of a 90lb black lab on loan and my own sweet- pea shitzu, Max.

I had a good day yesterday. I felt pretty decent for the first time in a few weeks. The weather was nice outside which allowed for the windows to be open to let the spring air inside. My guys all seemed content with where they were in life and in our home. We had some good friends stop by for a fun, laughter filled visit. The son of my heart made us a yummy dinner to enjoy as a family around the table.

I went to sleep with a smile watching the antics of Chip Gaines on TV’s Fixer Upper.

I woke up with a start at 1:30 am…a cry was on my lips that almost escaped verbally as I surfaced to awareness. My heart suddenly squeezed tight as one word threatened to leave my throat in a guttural scream from deep within my stomach: “NOOOO!”

As I silenced the sound I instantly found my breath was gone and I could not breathe.

I quickly sat up and realized the panic for what it was…It had snuck up on me and ambushed me in its attack in the vulnerability of my sleep.

As a follower of Jesus, I am well versed in the scriptures…I have quoted so many here over this beginning year of blogging; I can hear them in my sleep speaking truth into my subconscious.

I believe that in perfect love there is no fear.

I believe that was intended for evil God has  and can use for His good.

I believe that God works all things together for His good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I believe that God IS love itself.

I believe that God is the embodiment of good.

I believe that only good and perfect things come from God and NOT the illness or brokenness of this world.

BUT:

These last few weeks have challenged my faith in ways I did not see possible.

It makes me wonder if me “saying that out loud” is helpful to someone else??

The inconvenience of my own health issues…the uncertainties of the treatment…the ongoing twists and turns as I heal slowly…has rattled my cage. It limits me. It fatigues me. It isolates me. It makes me feel weak as I strain to grasp my new reality while I adjust to living in a body that does not feel like my own.

This is my truth.

Here is my devotional: “No matter what our circumstances, there is a larger battle raging and we all have an assignment to do”…

The “NO” and panic were not about me…I do not appreciate my own health condition but it is a small part of the larger battle being fought. However, its ability to shake me has its devastating effect on my coping and fighting skills.

I have a friend that, when we met 17 years ago or so, we knew there was something special between us. We felt that kindred spirit flowing between us from the first conversation we ever had in a parking garage after work one morning.

Girlfriend’s are truly God’s gift to us, aren’t they?

Over the years we have grown up and grown apart, come together and distanced again…as life took each of us on the different curvy roads we travelled.

Our families are friends…our children the same age…we know the ins and outs of each other’s family relationships as well as we know each other’s kitchen cupboards.

She has metastatic cancer.

There. I said it.

I am a grief “counselor” of sorts…and I am collapsing in my pain of the possibility of not having her in my life. The grief is unbearable. The pain is unrelenting. It leaves in my waking hours as I search for things to be thankful for…but it comes with a crashing blow in my sleep and takes my breath away.

I help others. I encourage others.

Yet, I struggle intensely with this.

I have had loss…I have had beauty made out of the ashes of my life…I know God is faithful…

But I hurt in ways I cannot express except through a panic attack in my sleep and tears that come without warning.

She is beautiful, loving, funny…and mortal. She is a fighter to her core with a strength that belies her small frame. I will fight with her and for her every step of the way as I am allowed. We will not quit until the race is finished.

“A good soldier stays focused and pleases his commander”…I have a job to do as an encourager because it is what I have been created for…I desire to please God with my obedience to do the task set before me…but I am battle worn.

With the battle scars that have been created lately still raw and fresh, I need to push on. As the depression that threatens to overwhelm me washes over me in waves, I need to endure. When hopelessness beckons and threatens to take me on a path filled with despair and lies, I need to hang onto my anchor of truth.

Joyce Meyer’s “Closer to God Each Day” devotional instructs that “one part of fighting the good fight of faith is being able to recognize the enemy…to choose to take action…”

We don’t use this as much anymore as we used to but the analogy is still pretty clear:

“You and I don’t have to be punching bags for the devil; instead we can be fighters. We can stand firm in faith and know that God IS good and that good things are going to happen to us…Stand firm! Fight! Lift up your shield of faith!”

As my doubts rage on and my feelings try to pull me under, I choose to find reasons to be thankful and post them on Facebook. As my anger boils under the surface, I choose to listen to my “Jesus Music” (as my son’s call it). As my attention span seems limited, I choose to spend time in the Word and seek for whatever the Lord will have me read.

I live my days lately where the Lord feels distant…but I see Him looking down on His Son as Jesus looked up to Him in the heavens crying out “why have You forsaken Me” while on the cross…He stands as a Father watching His child in agony with tears streaming down His own cheeks.

He is doing the same with me.

When will He intercede? When will He bring good from all this? I don’t know.

But He is watching me…and loving me just the same.

Bear  with me while on this journey… I do not know where it will lead but I do know I  will be honest in it.