I am on an unexpected leave of absence from my job due to my recent hospitalization/illness…it is a strange thing to be unable to go to work when you feel you are able to work. Alas, I am home…not home-bound per se but at home none-the-less.

What do I do with this time I ask?

There is so much happening around me that I cannot help but try to process things. There are situations that have occurred over the last six months that  still cause me to shake my head  in absolute astonishment that these things have happened…throw in the most current events and I am in a state of shock I think. These last few weeks have been good for me to let my brain work through whatever it has needed to.

That being said- what do I do with this time off of work?

The advice I have been given is to write.

Write what, I ask in return?

Just start and see where it goes…

I want to write…it’s not that I don’t. It’s just that I am starting to think I am to be doing something more with my writing. All this stuff coming down around me paired with too much time on my hands wakes up a desire in me to do more with it. I could be feeling impatience perhaps, trying to rush the process,  but all this stuff in my head is somehow making my thinking more clear about what it is I want with to do my life…

But, topic -focus is my nemesis…and self-promotion is not something I am good at …sooooo~

I am going to stick with what I do best and write what is on mind for the moment.

I am stuck on the issue of the “goodness of God” I think.

It is not so much that I question if He is good as it is more the question what is good.

Good to me is not  watching depression darken the day of someone who has so much to live for and to helplessly stand there watching it carry them wherever it will no matter how hard you try to hold onto them.

Good to me is not Stage 4 metastatic cancer in anyone let alone a beautiful 42 year wife,  mother, and my friend.

Good is not fearing life without someone I love due to illness or a deep dark pain.

Good to me is not doubting every choice I make based on the opinion of those I thought I trusted but who have absolutely no idea what is going on in my life right now.

Good to me is not being afraid to go for my dreams.

Good to me is not feeling pain and sorrow.

Yet we live a life experiencing all of this and then some…

Therefore, what is good?

A few years ago, I became a Christian. My husband, however, was not one and did not feel the need to follow the same path that I was on. Being separated from him on this issue began to create a distance between us which made me feel uncertain of our future together and his eternal ending place. I loved my husband and wanted to spend my life with him…why would I not want to spend eternity together as well?

My church offered a prayer room during that time; it provided a quiet place to pray at an alter if desired, candles to light, soft music to play, and a cork board to place prayer requests.

I remember very clearly anonymously writing down on a purple circle to post on that board for others  to join me in my heartfelt prayer for the salvation of my husband.

I would spend at least an hour a week in that room.

I remember sitting in there and crying for something I longed so desperately for but did not have…and did not know if I ever would have it.

I remember leaving that request in the lap of the Lord after I had cried it through with the only One who could hear me and help me.

How a room like that could be useful now!

In that time, I would play a CD that was provided as I prayed- remember, this was few years ago when ITunes was only just becoming popular! On the CD was a mix of praise and worship songs – geesh, I am really dating myself now!

One song really stood out to me was by Laura Story…I heard her song again today and it still hit its mark…

The good I long for is seemingly limited to what I have chosen to define good as…

“What if trials of this life: the rain, the storms, the hardest nights….are Your mercies in disguise??”

Isn’t that the good I long for? Mercy?

When I pray for His mighty hand to heal my suffering or of those around me and He instead offers me Himself… and reveals His path of grace that has led me to the place where the suffering occurs to show where He has equipped me, prepared me, taught me, protected me, loved me all this time…do I accept that as good?

Is goodness only in the healing of cancer? the alleviation of depression? the clear path of my future with my destiny handed to me in package tied with a bow? when my friends stand by me in trials instead of judge or reject me out of misinformation or hurt feelings?

Is God good only when I can sense His presence and hear His voice giving me wisdom and guidance?

He “hears each desperate plea and longs that we’d have faith to believe…”

Believing in what is good is believing in what I cannot see…

That takes some serious faith.

Trusting in what I cannot see, do not understand, and cannot control while the storms rage or the rain falls…can be a blessing in disguise?

My good is not necessarily God’s good.

How He chooses to work things out falls into place with HIS plan and not the plan I create with my limited view.

Wrapping my brain around the idea that there is good to be found in cancer is not easy…in fact, it is an intentional act to choose to look deep enough into it to find something…

But a friendship has been rekindled and a new appreciation for the relationship that has once been taken for granted has been forged through this fire….that is good.

Seeking out a sign of goodness that can be found in severe depression takes effort because the wear and tear of the disease is exhausting for the person who suffers from it and those who live in the wake of it…

But I have realized that I have a larger capacity to love than I ever thought possible and a surprisingly immense quantity of patience ready to use at my disposal in a situation that should scream for impatience…that is good.

Searching for answers of how to proceed to achieve my dreams is anxiety producing…

But I find assistance from some surprising sources that seem to believe that I do have something to offer this world…that is good.

What if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re here?

What if my greatest disappointments and the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?

In plenty or in want, I want to learn the secret of contentment…it is from the Living Well  where I will thirst no more and be satisfied.

That is good.