(I found this as a draft- I wrote it sometime in August)

Do you ever sit back and think of the “old days”…or the “Glory Days” as Bruce Springsteen’s song boasted about…thinking how they surely were good times? I hesitate to say better days than now but the memory of them makes life seem somewhat easier before than what is present.

I had a moment today when I saw a note that said to ask so-and-so to use such-and-such…My thought process said “surely that was not just last year”…

Oh what can change in one year.

Let alone what can happen to spin you off into a different direction over the course of a few years.

It does make one pause and think “if I had not done that then perhaps this would not be happening”…

Now, I am not speaking about regrets…I am just thinking of the twists and turns of life that weave us through our journey to the finish line. I am not sitting here wishing I made different choices along the way: I am more reflecting over the fact that I had to make specific choices in general.

To be specific, in 2014 my husband had an unexpected job loss that supplanted him from a stable career of nearly 20 years. That situation led him to accept a job at Dart Container where he now travels for 2- 6 days at a time almost once a month or more.

He loves the job and we both consider it a gift from the Lord…however, that choice has me dropping him off at the airport fairly regularly.

I am currently experiencing what one in the Crohn’s world calls a “flare up”… I cannot tell you how many people have asked me if it is because of stress: as if the situation I have been affected by caused this flare. That would also mean that if the stress is alleviated then my health situation will improve-correct?

No to both.

If I am honest, I should be thinking myself lucky that I am only now dealing with my Crohn’s because if it was stress that caused its ugly head to surface it should have happened years ago! We have been hit with a stress-hammer one swing after another since that job loss of 2014.

Trust me…I am not thinking myself lucky. Definitely not there yet.

That brings me back to reflecting on a time that seemed better…or easier….but also led me to make the choices that brought me exactly right here.

And that brings me back to the note written a year ago as a reminder to ask so-and- so to do such-and-such…Trust me- I can no longer imagine putting forth any request to so-and-so at this point of time..

A year ago, what was happening was covered by darkness…today, light shines on the scene. No wonder life seemed better back then because what light exposes is not always pretty. In the light we clean up what was spilled in the dark…leaving stains even… and the clean-up takes time, effort, and an exorbitant amount of patience.

Which, I of course, do not seem to have much of lately.

Today, choices made have led me here: my husband is traveling with his job for the week; I have a renewed friendship with a woman I consider to be my kindred -spirit friend and who also happens to have Stage 4 cancer; I am sitting at home while my friends are at a beach concert because I am on call for my job until Monday morning; my intestines suddenly have a mind of their own and are reeking holy havoc on my system; and I now have a son who tugs and pulls at my heart strings 24/7.

A year ago…not so much.

Strange, isn’t it?

How about you?

I know some may still have had their spouse, child, parent, or sibling alive with them at this time last year.

I know some had no idea they had a disease growing inside them that would forever alter their future…or shorten their days.

I know some had their addiction seemingly under control.

I know some had their marriage still together.

I know some had no idea what a razor to their skin felt like when cutting from depression that induced supposed numbness.

It’s a funny, not laugh out loud but more a shake your head in irony, kind of feeling isn’t it?

365 days is all it has been….and here we are.

I tell my doctor that I have no idea whose body this is…it can’t possibly be mine, can it?

I see a note and think that can’t possibly be what we were doing last year and this is what we are doing now..

I shake my head in wonder.

What choices did I make to get me here? Were they good ones or am I being punished for some bad ones? Is stress causing my flare up? Did I do this?

Somedays it seems easier when life was lived in the dark, when I didn’t care so much, when I didn’t know so much, when I looked after just me.

But Christ came in and turned on the lights…and will not turn them off no matter how much I squeeze my eyes shut or throw the blankets back up over my head.

My eyes, whether open or shut, can still see the Light…and I must confess to a lot of eye closing recently: open eyes hurt in the bright light.

IN THE LIGHT means I care.

It means I hurt….willingly hurt.

It means I keep reaching out…even if I am shot down or shut out time and time again.

It means adjusting to a new job because I want my spouse to succeed.

It means loving someone before myself.

It means accepting my illness and the current state I am in.

It means to keep going places and staying involved even if I want to stop.

It means to keep trusting the Lord even if I am seriously questioning His plan…or His ways to go about accomplishing His plan.

Ecclesiastes 7:10 says to not long for the “good old days”…stating that it is not wise to do so.

I think that is because it keeps us from seeing the past accurately and it also limits our view of what is good right now.

A few years ago, I chose to accept my husband’s traveling job and therefore found peace within his absence…yes, I am still sad when I drop him off at the airport but not angry or stirred up like an angry hornets nest within anymore. If I think of when he was home like he was before then I miss out on his contentment, his job satisfaction, and the other perks these opportunities offer him and our family.

I am working on accepting my Crohn’s being active. That one is hard as it is continually changing still. But, I find I am looking forward to my infusion this week with a hopeful expectation that it will make a change quickly in how I am currently feeling. There is a definite peace in having hope for healing.

I am incredibly grateful for the renewed relationship with my friend. It hurts to be so distant because of the distance the past created but I am thankful to be here for her regardless; in whatever manner she needs. It hurts to think of losing her with a pain I find difficult to express but I would not trade one moment of wishing I could do more for her even if it meant stepping back would alleviate that possible future deep ache.

I stand by our choice to accept another into our home. To say I am grateful for the changes and awareness that he has brought us is too small a statement as we have been changed.

The choices I made, whether right or wrong, were made not knowing this is where they would lead…therefore longing for a time that did not contain the knowledge of today is foolish.

That was then…and this is now.

It’s still surreal though, isn’t it?

Man, when “they” say life is a process “they” aren’t joking.