“Fear can block the flow of [God’s] strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me”- Jesus Calling

How many times do we (I) try to supress/deny what makes us afraid? Or feel exhausted because we are facing that fear that is in our face daily with no apparent reprieve?

Fear blocks grace. I can’t see it or feel it when I am afraid.

I have been so scared so many times this year…scared over losing someone to suicidal depression…scared to lose someone to an extensive diagnosis of metastatic cancer…scared that my own health is spiraling out of control…scared that I have hurt people beyond repair by my choices…scared that I may never accomplish what I thought I was born to do…scared to fail…scared to be weak…scared to be perceived as something less than what I really am…

That’s alot of fear, huh?

Probably only the tip of the iceberg of these last 365+days…Imagine if I covered all of my 43 years??

We are all afraid at some point in our lives, aren’t we?

I don’t mean over trivial things like how terrified I am of mice…but about living alone, empty nest syndrome, job insecurity, purpose insecurity, feeling a lack of value…

My current fear is how to continue taking steps toward healing when the treatment is (for lack of a better word) daunting.

I told my girlfriend with cancer today that it is a great irony to take medication to help me when it could very well hurt me in a completely new way…

Let’s just say she understands because she receives chemotherapy on a regular basis with no end in site for the rest of her life….it is not exactly kind to a person’s body.

My new reality is a hard reality for me to accept…and an even harder pill to swallow each day at 6 pm as well as infuse into my veins every 8 weeks.

I put it ( this new medicine called Imuran) in my body last night for the first time to a response of my stomach rolling and a wave of incredible frustration washing over me- ask my husband: he was on the phone with me when I abruptly got off thebohone in irritation with him so he could go have a nice dinner with his boss…as if I thought what happens to me would have no impact on him.

Fear.

It does block things, doesnt it?

We can’t see other people because of it…their emotions or response or their attempts to stand by us…

We feel alone in our suffering.

And THAT IS A LIE.

I have to be intentional in what I know to be true even when I cannot feel it in that moment.

I have to.

I have to surround myself with what is truth.

I have to have daily disciplines in place so I can repeatedly turn to the truth habitually even when I don’t want to. It jusy has become what I know to do each day.

Isaiah 12:2

I will trust and not be afraid

FOR THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH AND SONG

Sometimes we have to do what could hurt us in order to make things right…It is scary to be vulnerable in that way. It is scary to not know for certain that it will all work out the way I hope.

What I know will happen is that somehow, some way it will all work out for God’s good…

Trusting Him instead of fighting my fears.

That’s the call for me, and many more I assume, today.

Be blessed my friends.