I had the pleasure and honor to give my testimony this past Friday at our annual Spring Youth Retreat that we call ” UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL”.

These are my notes:

How many of you know what it feels like to HAVE to do something but you really do not feel like doing it?

How about this- have you ever felt that you WANTED to do something but just physically could not do it???

Well, that’s me too.

Frankly, I am tired.

To be more honest than that…I am exhausted.

Have you ever felt like you were on the right track, doing the right thing, going in the right direction? That life is kind of on cruise control? Then something crazy happens to either you or someone you know and your handle on things seem to slip? It’s like you can’t get your bearings…your feet under you…things don’t seem “normal”.

Know what I mean?

This feeling can last a short period of time…or it can seem like it goes on forever.

It can be brought on by a fight with a friend, a break up with a boy friend or girlfriend, a criticism by a teacher or a parent, a bad grade or a missed assignment, or a rough day at work. What it is, it throws you right off your A-game…

It could be worse than what is listed: a family splitting up, folks fighting ridiculously around you, a job issue or loss, a death in the family, your pet could get sick and have to be put down, a friend having a really hard time, an illness comes out of nowhere for someone you love or for yourself.

These things you can’t plan and cannot control whence they start.

That’s me right now.

Where I have been for the better part of this last year.

Tomorrow, April 16, will be exactly one year when everything changed for me…but the week before that I was working very hard to convince myself that the “sick” I felt was not “really sick” at all.
What I tend to do- what most mom’s do- is put everyone else’s needs in front of my own and ignore or downplay what is happening inside of me. In this case, I had two back to back youth retreats, a husband out of town for his job, a depressive crisis happening in the life of one I love dearly, a job to do, and sons to raise with Spring sport schedule’s…so I pressed on. I was thinking that whatever was going on with me wasn’t a big deal- no way was it a big deal! How could it be a big deal?
Well, dang it all. It flipping was a big deal.
Shoot.

Two days after I fed my precious youth group teenagers a full-on turkey dinner feast, I ended up in the hospital with a massive infection thanks to my Crohn’s disease. I had developed an abscess and let it get out of control because of my own naïve denial.
Many moons ago, when I was 14, I was diagnosed with a disease called Crohn’s disease. Essentially, Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease where my immune system fights itself constantly causing inflammation that is generally contained in my intestinal tract. Since my diagnosis I have managed it with lots of medication and diet modification: certain foods bothered me more than others…so I learned what to stay away from or to expect when I would not feel good.
What is needed to know is that people can get really sick from Crohn’s- kids especially or if it is not well-managed. But, that has NEVER been me. I guess I thought my disease was something I had to deal with but that it wasn’t a huge deal…FOR ME.

I wanted to get on with my life and be like everyone else-except for the fact that I had to sneak medicine into my mouth 4 x a day and occasionally had frequent trips to the bathroom. If my stomach hurt, you would never know because I would never tell you or let on. I hid it. I wanted this to be no big deal.

My parent’s were obedient to the Bible’s instruction that if you are sick you are to be prayed over by the elders of the church and be anointed with oil.

James 5:14– is anyone among you sick? He must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 was “given” to me that day as an encouragement and a promise.

At age 14- I thought it meant I was healed.
At age 20- I realized it didn’t and decided to live life my way.
By the time I was in my 30’s, it meant I got really sick because I had stopped taking my medicine (on my own medical advice NOT my doctor’s) because I thought I was “better” when it was just my pregnancy hormones that had put me into a “remission”.
I got angry about that for awhile…especially when I thought of my “so-called promise” that I ASSUMED meant being healed from Crohn’s.
I became indifferent at other times about it.

I don’t know what is worse: apathy or anger?

Let’s just say, I put Crohn’s on the back burner after that illness 11 years ago…I did what I needed to do medically but I decided, especially as I began to have a real, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that this was just how life was going to be: taking medication, having frequent colonoscopies, feeling mostly ok for the rest of my life.

Then comes 2014 when God began talking to me (yep, He really talks to me folks. I hear Him so clearly through the Bible and in my Spirit…and He lets me know when I am not listening too!) He was talking to me about trusting Him. I felt the question “do you trust me” being asked over and over again. It was asked through different circumstances that came our way when I began to answer with a “yes, Lord I do”…I felt the next question from Him was always “well, how about NOW…do you trust me now?”

God very clearly impressed upon me this instruction found in Proverbs 3:5-6 to trust the Lord with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight.

Having the promise of Jeremiah29:11 still hovering over me- promising a hope and a future and plans that would not harm me- God adds this passage with His “trust me” questions…When I could not understand what was happening in a circumstance, He kept bringing me back to this simple ( yet not so simple) command- TRUST THE LORD…When I didn’t understand what was going on I was reminded to NOT LEAN ON WHAT I UNDERSTOOD because I was to TRUST THE LORD.

Pretty clear cut stuff, huh?

Trust the Lord and He would make my paths straight that will give me a hope and a future.

I clung to those scriptures over these years since 2014…and let me tell you- we have suffered and struggled since. You do not get a “do you trust me challenge” and not get tested through it! I often DID NOT understand what was happening or why. I was hurting so many times in so many different ways but I chose to TRUST THE LORD AND LEAN NOT ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING. I chose to continue to believe that SOMEHOW the Jeremiah 29:11 promise was also going to be true too.

In 2016, we went on a mission trip to Puerto Rico. While there, the Spanish- speaking- only pastor of the church we were attending called me forward because she received a word from God about me.

Sounds strange, right? Bear with me…
Through a translator, she placed her hands on my stomach and asked if I had issues there. I said yes and immediately began to cry. Was I finally going to get my healing???
She prayed for me and this tremendous peace came over me. I was visibly shaking after as I know something happened in those moments. How could she have known something about my stomach when hardly anyone knew about it??
After, I went to Dan and sobbed and sobbed saying maybe I would be alright after all…maybe I won’t have to worry about this disease getting worse or getting in my way or slowing me down…maybe I won’t be so worried about insurance and benefits because the cost of my medicine is absolutely ridiculous.

I felt I was not to worry about it anymore because God had confirmed what was prayed over me all those years ago in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

• I did not quit taking my medicine this time.
• I continued going to my doctor.
• I heard God very clearly calling me into ministry for Him and I was obedient to what He was calling me to do.
• I spoke the Gospel for Him.
• I taught Bible Studies.
• I helped others.
• I led a Grief ministry.
• I began working with our marching band and being a physical presence of encouragement in our community.
• I started writing a blog.
• I spoke boldly at my work about what God was doing in me and my family.

I trusted God with my life. My future. My health.

Then last year happened.

I don’t want to sound dramatic and I am not looking for sympathy but, people need to know what I am going through so they KNOW WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. If I say I am “fine” then people will assume I am “fine”, right?

So, here it goes, In my new life of transparency, integrity, authenticity I say this…

I AM NOT FINE.

I have good days- don’t get me wrong. I am doing better than I was. But, there has not been and is not much that is FINE with I am dealing with.

Could it be worse? Sweet Lord in heaven, it could be…and that scares me to my bones because the possibility of “worse” still looms in my future.

That “future” I am afraid of certainly does not look like the one filled with hope I had envisioned was promised me.

HONESTY DISCLAIMER/POTENTIAL SELF-PITY POT WARNING:

I have been humbled this year by my illness. I have been brought to my knees in absolute weakness. I have been extremely humiliated in my suffering in the literal faces of those I WORK WITH. I have been examined in ways I never dreamed I could be and in ways I have no desire to discuss with Dan- let alone with you guys. I have been stripped of my modesty, my privacy, my ability to take care of myself, my confidence in my self sufficiency as a wife, a mother, a caregiver, a minister.

There are days when I JUST CAN’T DO IT.
There are days when I CAN’T DO ANYTHING.

Do you know what that feels like?

I’ll tell you…

It is dehumanizing.

I have been a capable, responsible working mom who has had the energy to volunteer, teach, serve, work, play…and I JUST CAN’T some days anymore.
And those days determine for themselves when they will come without any kind of notice or warning. I could be fine one minute and – just like that- I’m not: I have zero energy, my body aches, my head feels fuzzy to the point where I can’t think clearly, my stomach hurts deep on the inside.

My body is like a foreign entity to me.

WHAT THE HECK MAN?!

I stopped doing many of the activities I used to do. I don’t drive alone places that are too far away out of concern of “an event” happening and I can’t drive safely anymore. I have taken time off of work. Ask my kids- I nap more than anybody I know.

I am on medication that should help over time but could also hurt me in a different way as it does what it is does. I have had two “surgeries” to take care of an infection pocket that just won’t go away. I have a negative infection response to antibiotics now so I can’t take normal antibiotics without high risk to my system. I am extremely immunocompromised so working at a hospital is freaky to me in ways it never has been before. I have to have my blood drawn once a week.

All that and I don’t really feel too much better yet.

Can you imagine my thoughts???
I remember VERY CLEARLY what I told you about that prayer over me in Puerto Rico. I remember Jeremiah 29:11. I remember the “do you trust me now??” and Proverbs 3:5-7.

My very honest thinking speaks this in the deep recesses of my mind:

I have done EVERYTHING right…and here I am anyway.

Can you understand me on that?

You too may not have not done anything wrong , been doing what is right even, and STILL bad stuff happens or keeps happening..

It really stinks.

What have I been doing? What do I do?

Man, do I wish I had an answer that looked “holy and pure”…but I look real folks…ugly real.

I wail- let me tell you…WAIL.

Then, I CRY over this.

I HATE this.

I HATE going to my doctor so flipping much.
I HATE that I am scared to drive somewhere alone.
I hate that I am afraid to grasp onto my future that I want more than anything because of the “WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND I HAVE TO BAIL ON THE COMMITMENT” thoughts.

Trust me, guys, me even WRITING this is a HUGE deal.

I stay home a lot now.
I hide.
I have despaired.
I have questioned God with every fiber of my being as to why this is happening? What is his plan in this? How is THIS the “plan He has for me” from Jeremiah 29:11??

What good can possibly be done by me if I have no energy to do it?

You know what He says, beloved?

Proverbs 3:5-7 TRUST IN THE LORD. LEAN NOT ON YOUR UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH.

When life is HARD, when it is painful, when it is confusing, when it is uncertain…how can that possibly HELP???

Well, because He gives me more of Himself in Psalm 27:13 to go with the encouragement to keep trusting Him~ He promises that

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

He goes one better than that in the verse actually by giving me the confidence to believe what it is I will see: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Another version says it this way- what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness while in the land of the living???

Here is the reality…I could choose to say God failed me. God caused this illness. God lied to me. God can’t follow through, forgot me, rejected me. That He couldn’t stop it. That He is mean. That He is punishing me.
Many of you may have some hard stuff going on…maybe there is some bullying that you think God is turning His back on you because He isn’t stopping it. Maybe there is an illness that He won’t cure. Maybe there is ongoing abuse happening that you aren’t protected against. Maybe there is serious money trouble at home. I don’t know.
Maybe, like at my house, life seems fine but your mom is sick and you don’t understand why or what to do about it.
We could turn from the goodness of God and say we don’t trust in His promises very easily, couldn’t we?

BUT WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

I’ve lived a chunk of my life without Jesus as my Savior and it was empty…it hurt…it was dark…it was hopeless…

I have learned in my journey of trust that God is the MASTER of using what was planned for evil and turning it to GOOD.
I’ve been through so much with Jesus by my side in these last ten years…even though what is happening to me now hurts, even though my illness is scary and uncontrollable, even though I do not understand how my future is going to work out…I WON’T turn my back from who He is , who He has always been, and who He will be.

“If we are having a hard time, if we feel like giving up, God is still good. HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF OUR PROBLEMS. If something bad happens to us, God is still good. He doesn’t do good things for us because we are good and deserve them. He does good things for us because He is good and He loves us” -Joyce Meyer.

My situation isn’t great, you know? But IT COULD BE WORSE. God is allowing this, yes, but He is protecting me through it too. I have amazing doctors, my boss is incredible, Dan and I have come a long way in our marriage to be able to deal with this together, we have been wise financially so God is continuing to help us meet our needs that manner.

I am seeking God in my suffering in ways I never have before. I HAVE to trust Him because how else could I – on my own- have that future I long for that I believe God is calling me to do?

His spirit is comforting me in the deep places of my heart that are HURT through this. He is calming my fears in a way that no human ever could. He is making me see what is important in HIS eyes so I am reorganizing my priorities and time commitments.

Those are GOOD things that I never would be able to confess to or see if I wasn’t living this life right now.

And what is this hope that I believe to my core will happen???
That I WILL see His goodness. That I will have a future that will prosper me and not harm me. That my path will be made straight. That this current suffering will be insignificant to the glory that awaits me as I continue to trust in Christ. That He will finish what He started in me.

In the meantime…I endure….I persevere… I press on…I hang on….

For me:

• I read my Bible.
• I cry.
• I go to church.
• I ask God why and complain.
• I praise Him.
• I pout.
• I pray.
• I worry.
• I take baby steps forward to share my story boldly.
• I find reasons to be thankful.
• I love deeply those I am in contact with.
• I serve.
• I rest when I need to and do what He has called me to do when He gives me the energy to do it.

And my hope in Him flourishes…this endurance thing is legit folks, but it is so much better because I choose to HANG ON to my Savior through it all!

If you have learned anything from my story I hope it is this:

Life has its ups and downs…but we have to go through the valleys to be able to stand on the mountaintop.

Man, do I ever appreciate the view from the top of a mountain!