As I read my devotionals this morning, I felt prompted to write but when I sat down to do so I had the strangest sense of deja vu that I had quoted this devotional before. A year ago exactly today I blogged a post called “I Can’t Breathe” (I would encourage you to read it if you have not or read it again if you have).

When I read the previously written blog, I realized how much had changed in the one calendar year and also how much had not.

365 days later, my friend is still fighting metastatic colon cancer.

365 days later, my Crohn’s is still plaguing me in new and different ways.

That being said, over these past 365 days, I write in between large gaps of life ….have you noticed the inconsistency?

Sometimes it is very difficult to put into words what is felt in the depths of the heart and deep into the bones of a person.

365 days later, I am wiser.

365 days later, I am coping better.

365 days later, I am stronger.

365 days later, I still have hope.

365 days later, I still believe that God has not forgotten me.

The question in the devotional is still appropriate today and, I believe, worth revisiting:

“Can you still encourage and build even when you are facing your own life crisis? Can you still point others to where their source of strength lies when you are in one of your darkest moments?”

(The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 145)

For the last literal year, I have been struggling with huge weights of worry, fear, and doubt. I have wondered what I am doing, questioned what I have done, and pondered what I should do. Every angle has been adequately analyzed. I have no stone left unturned. I have beaten myself up for my shortcomings. I have retreated to my bed to wallow in my weaknesses. I have waved the white flag of surrender. I have collapsed under the burden of my perceived failures.

Every day over these last 365, I chose to rise….and repeat that process with the hope that “today” is truly a new day.

365 days…new challenges…new victories…new lessons….new perspectives gained…

As of now, I am on a dual treatment for my Crohn’s of double the immunosuppressant agents. I would like to claim that I am feeling an improvement. I am nervous to say it…but there it is.

As of now, I am still hesitant to move forward in ministry opportunities. My desire is strong to speak the Gospel…but I am very scared to commit. My doubts are heavy and my fear of inadequacy (physical and spiritual) is real. All I have to say is “I am ready”…and take that leap of faith into something new- but I am scared.

As of now, I learning how to let go of something I have held very tightly onto.

My heart is wounded but is healing.

My body is scarred but is also healing.

And yet my thoughts wage a battle that continually ask that question from above:

Can you still encourage???

What has been whirling around in my head to share with you is something that I find I have been doing lately to combat those fears, anxieties, doubts, and hurts that WILL NOT STOP FLOODING ME.

Will it be an encouragement to you? I hope so. To have purpose put into my darkest moments would be only something the Lord is qualified to do.

I was in the car the other day and my heart felt squished…know that feeling? It is beating, yes…there is no physical pain…but it seemed to be compressed inside of me all the same.

Deep sorrow does that to a person.

Grief does that.

Loss does that.

Letting go does that.

I did not want to talk about it.

I still don’t.

However, what I have realized, is that I do not need to.

I kept a conversation going with the Lord in my head every time the twinge of heartache came…and kept coming.

This conversation sounded like this:

Help me, Lord. I give this to you.

Take it God.

Bind my heart.

I am not alone for You are with me.

You understand this AND me.

You’ve got this.

You’ll protect me.

You’ll carry me.

Then I did something else new (other than keeping quiet for a change)… I invested in life around me. I did it with gladness. I did it with thankfulness. I did it with a heart full of love.

And I keep doing all of that over and over and over again.

Know what?

In God’s mercy, IT IS HELPING.

Remember, my situation is 100% UNCHANGED.

But, something on the inside of me IS.

I have a strange calm inside of me that used to be a whirlwind.

When the storm begins to blow again, I cry (I am totally human guys!). I tell God I don’t like this and I don’t understand this. I argue with Him that I know I am supposed to Proverbs 3:5-7 things when I don’t understand BUT THAT DOESN’T TAKE THE ANGST AWAY.

He gives me other Scripture’s to counter…Keep seeking me, Amy, and I will give you the desires of your heart…I will not forsake you Amy…My Word will restore you Amy, it will revive you.

“When something upsets you, don’t let fearful or obsessive thoughts take over your mind. Instead, talk with Me about whatever is troubling you. Then cast all your anxiety on Me, knowing that I care for you.”

(Jesus Always by Sarah Young)

Funny thing is this: that is what I have been doing and didn’t know it or realize the grace I was given until I read the devotionals this morning.

God is faithful and will carry you through whatever it is you are experiencing as well.

I encourage you to try something new too.