The wilderness themes in the Bible seem to call out to me lately, especially those where people have been “led” or “sent”.
The story of Hagar stands out in many ways.
It is in Genesis 16 where we first meet her: she becomes an unwilling participant in the plan for Sarai and Abram to fulfill for themselves the destiny God had prophesied to them about: that their descendants would outnumber the sand on the seashore. This is a tricky thing when they did not have even one piece of sand to call their own, let alone numbers to fill a beach front.
Hagar did not have a say whether she wanted to play a role in their meddling. She had no choice as she was a voiceless female servant.
She became pregnant with Abram’s first born child, but ran away due to the toxic relationship that had formed thanks to this “love” triangle that never should have been. It was there in the wilderness that she was approached by God with words of comfort and where she named Him: El Roi – The God Who Sees Me.
Later, after Isaac had been born to Sarah and Abraham when Hagar’s son Ishmael was 14 years old, Sarah decided she wanted Hagar and Ishmael to leave their homestead forever.
Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.
Genesis 21:14
Once again in the wilderness, God approached this woman whose life was not of her own choosing. He tells her not to be afraid, He comforts her and tells her to give comfort to her child, and He refreshes her with water from a well she had not previously seen.
This past fall I was invited to attend a retreat for women pastors. The invitation to attend came within moments of my response to the Lord calling me to NOURISH my relationship with Him.
The definition of the word “nourish” is to be provided with the food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
After a long season of grief I found myself lacking what was necessary for any of those things. What I felt instead was stagnant… unfocused…anxious…unmotivated…
I felt all this physically but realized it was stemming from inside my emotional self and had carried over into my spiritual self.
Choosing to spend time alone with the Lord revealed the need for spiritual nourishment. That was when the email came inviting me to a “retreat.” Talk about divine timing!
The theme -shockingly enough- was “KNOWN” and the emphasis was on God the El Roi: the One Who Sees Me.
At this retreat, I had a personal encounter with El Roi and had the confirmation placed on my heart by Him that I am loved by Him. Fiercely loved. The healing that came through that revelation provided what I had been malnourished of: what is necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
A reset button had been pushed and I was being restored.
I came home from that retreat more at peace with myself than I knew I had needed to be. I felt focused and driven to again pursue the desires that the Lord had put on my heart when He called me to be a pastor: one who shares the Good News.
So imagine the irony I feel now.
I am called to preach the Gospel. I WANT to preach it. I have opportunities to be able to do so once again. I have the time. Life seems to be falling into place.
Except.
I have cancer.
The first time I went into the wilderness where I felt malnourished, I think was kind of similar to Hagar; it was my choice to go due to the circumstances. I may not have known consciously that was what I was doing in my grief but it was in the wilderness where I ended up just the same.
And God saw me there. El Roi. I am loved.
And now? I feel like a bag has been put on my back and I am being sent from the comfort I have known, the plans I had made. I am to go somewhere unknown, uncertain, uncomfortable, scary.
And yet I am still seen. I am still loved.
The diagnosis has been confirmed: Stage 1 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The appointment has been set up with the team of physicians that will help me with the necessary decisions that need to be made for treatment.
We tell my parents what is going on.
We tell our children what is going on.
We tell my brother what is going on.
We tell our closest friends what is going on.
We try to breathe.
It isn’t easy to tell those you love that you have breast cancer. But do you know what makes it worse? Once they know, life goes on. People go back to work or to school. Meals need to be made. Other people we love are going through really really excruciatingly hard things at the exact same time as this and beautiful babies are being born as well.
So here I am walking around with cancer inside of me and if I did not tell you, you would never even know. It’s not like I look any different.
But everything feels different.
I cannot express how surreal that feels. How ominous.
One minute I’m pulling laundry out of the dryer and the next moment it is like I have been punched in the gut with the thought, “Oh my gosh I have cancer” sweeping over me.
Telling people makes it more real.
But I do not want it to be real.
The “big” doctor appointment introduces us to a radiation oncologist, a breast surgeon, and a medical oncologist. They all assess me individually and look over my biopsy report. Later, they meet together with the pathologist who confirms my diagnostic findings. We meet with the breast surgeon a second time for the conclusion of our day.
I am supposed to make a decision at this point regarding the treatment that I want to have based on the options presented to me. I had no idea there would be OPTIONS.
Supposedly, we make around 35,000 conscious decisions in one day: what we will eat, wear, say, etc…
35,000.
I was given about 5-6 options to choose between at the conclusion of this appointment. It felt like 4-5 too many.
I must say this though: I am incredibly grateful for the women who have gone before me that had to FIGHT for the right to even have these choices.
It is hard to believe there was a time where a woman did not have the voice or the choice to say what happened to her body once breast cancer was detected.
I have to live with this body for the rest of my life so I am thankful to be able to have a say in HOW IT LOOKS WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER.
- Lumpectomy with radiation
- Single mastectomy and no radiation
- Single mastectomy with or without augmentation
- Single mastectomy with augmentation to the unaffected breast as well as one with cancer
- Double mastectomy and no radiation with or without augmentation
As of now it does not appear that I will need chemotherapy because no lymph nodes are affected.
I sat there staring at the surgeon who was looking at me with an extreme amount of kindness on her face…as she waited for my response.
I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not choose.
I began to cry and said, “I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.”
She gave me the opportunity to think on it and made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for me as well as scheduled an MRI to look more into what was happening in my breasts. She said, “the MRI will help you to know what to do. It’s ok that you don’t right now; we have time.”
When you have been told you have cancer, I can honestly say this, TIME is one thing you no longer feel you have.
At the conclusion of this appointment, our support system was hoping for a “plan” to have been made and now I have to tell them we are still trying to determine what is the best thing to do for me.
I feel an incredible amount of pressure to make a decision. To make the RIGHT decision. To make it soon.
But what is “right” for ME?
If you’re new to my blog, you may be unfamiliar with my other “invisible” illness: I have Crohn’s disease. It is an autoimmune disease that affects my GI tract as well as the rest of me systemically. I am on medication that suppresses my immune system in order to keep my autoimmune system from going into overdrive. When my medication is not at its appropriate blood level, the fatigue I feel is unbearable and irritable bowel symptoms arise.
Frankly, Crohn’s is the banner to which I would like to march under as it is the dragon I have come to know and NOT Breast Cancer… but, alas~ I guess I have to carry two banners now.
Here’s the thing: I WILL recover from breast cancer, but I will always LIVE with Crohn’s Disease. Whatever I do with this cancer is going to affect my autoimmune system…and I cannot get that thought out of my head no matter how hard I try.
I am a woman with Crohn’s disease that will have to endure whatever choice of treatment I decide on.
Can my immunosuppressed body fight left over or new cancer cells if I do not choose a mastectomy or do not choose radiation?
As I was told by a trusted source, I am not in the statistics for the efficacy of treatment for breast cancer. I am not one they included in the tests and trials. I am in the “unknown” category of how I will respond and what role my Crohn’s medication may have had on this or could have on this in the future.
I am a Crohn’s patient that now has breast cancer and that cannot be ignored or forgotten or push aside or minimized.
I have TWO active diseases now.
Now enter in my “people pleasing” problem.
This one really ticks me off!
I cannot believe how much I worry about what other people think… I worry so much about judgment that I found it difficult to make a choice for MYSELF and MY body without fear of “doing it wrong.”
Wrong for who??
A bilateral mastectomy is considered “radical.” Did you know that? The thing is it means it is a radical surgical procedure that involves the removal of the entire breast, including the nipple, areola, skin, and underlying chest muscles and it is performed to treat breast cancer.
Yet, the word “radical” (especially in view of this context) is more defined as “very different from the usual or traditional; extreme.”
A bilateral mastectomy seems radical to some when they hear “Stage 1 cancer”. That it is an extreme treatment. That is is different from the usual.
The fear of judgement from others was IMPACTING my own judgment.
I could not hear myself think because all I could hear was “that seems extreme” if I waivered in the direction where I seemed to want to go.
“It’s a big surgery.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“You would do that? Do you HAVE to?”
Do you know how many people have told me “all they needed” was a lumpectomy and radiation and they were “fine”?
Too many to count.
But were they my age at diagnosis?
Did they have an aunt with 3 separate occurrences of breast cancer?
Do they get treated for an autoimmune disease?
We are given a CHOICE and that choice is there for a reason. The reason is because this is my body and my life. It is not my husband’s. It is not my children’s. It is not my parents. It is not those that care for me. It is mine.
I have to choose.
I have to stand at the end of it all to say, “I made the best decision I could make and I could have done nothing else. I have no regrets.”
I prayed for clarity.
I asked others to pray for me to have a clear mind to make a decision.
Praise the Lord, God put people directly into my path that spoke honest words of wisdom to me in those next few days.
Dan went out of town for business so I went to the plastic surgeon appointment alone. That doctor sat down in front of me and simply asked, “do you know what you want to do?”
I said, “a bilateral mastectomy please.”
I made my choice.
What Kind of Peace Is This? 