On February 3, while I was spending alone time with the Lord (I often refer to it as a Spiritual Retreat), one passage stood out from all the others I read that afternoon:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid for I am with you… (Isaiah 43:1-5)

Big words to repeat to myself when I found the lump not too long later…when I told my husband what I believed in my heart to be coming our way… as I went through the 3-D mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy… when we heard the results a few days later…as we told our children, my parents, our closest friends.

I have cancer.

As the title says: It takes the wind right out of you. It sweeps your legs out from underneath you. It starts you on a journey you never dreamed you would go on.

But do not be afraid when you go….

“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms. But anyone who follows Christ on their own terms, for a return on investment, misses out on intimate communion with the God of the universe and is instead left holding a detailed contract with a business acquaintance… Christianity is about following Jesus to get the riches of Jesus Himself... There is a holy world of difference between a relationship with God that embraces and enters into suffering, knowing that suffering is always exactly the shape and form and heart of His passion, and the kind of relationship that braces to avoid all suffering, passionately demanding a life of no suffering if God really loves us” (Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).

This is our choice: EMBRACE and enter suffering or BRACE to avoid suffering.

Whether we will suffer or not is not what is in question. The question, the choice we have to make, is how will we approach it when we face it.

When you pass through the waters.

When you pass through the rivers.

When you walk through the fire.

VosKamp goes on to write, “If God asks much of you, how much will you answer with your life? If God asks for complete authority over your life but doesn’t give you completely what you want, do you still completely give yourself to Him?”

Following the feeding of the 5000 where those who followed Jesus were given enough bread (and fish) to not only be satisfied but to also have leftovers, Jesus gave the difficult to hear teaching where He declared Himself to be the Bread of Life: partake of Him and NEVER be hungry again.

He met their physical need of hunger miraculously and they were thrilled…ecstatic… ready to make Him their King by force then and there. But when He went beyond meeting their physical need to discuss their spiritual hunger and His ability to satisfy their spirits and their eternity..? He was rejected.

Miracles? Yes, please. Sign me up.

Be challenged to believe that the miracle worker is truly the Son of God? Receive sustenance for the immediate hunger: yes. Receive sustenance for eternal hunger: no.

“Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven.Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world”

John 6:47-51

People want miracles. People want an immediate fix to the present uncomfortable situation. People want an instant alleviation to pain. Yet, Jesus offers so much more than that. He challenges His followers to see beyond these present sufferings to a much bigger picture… a much bigger perspective… a much longer existence than this mortal life.

He says, I give you food and you will still die. You partake of ME and you will LIVE.

While we want to brace against suffering, Jesus says, “Let me take you through it and see what I will do with it… I overcome it.”

That is called RESSURECTION POWER, folks.

Lysa TerKeurst writes, “Just as we must sit close enough to a tree to enjoy the benefits of its shade from the scorching heat, so we must also position ourselves near to God if we desire His comfort, protection, and deliverance” (Seeing Beautiful Again Page 48).

There is a problem with hard lessons, though. We do not like them… we want to avoid them…maybe even abandon the cause we once stood for or believed in when it was easier to do so.

We inadvertently step away from the tree that we could benefit from.

When Jesus gave His teaching that He was the bread of life, we read the response of those who were listening in John 6:66~

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

They walked away from the tree that provides the benefits. This was AFTER they saw His miraculous feeding too.

They wanted what they wanted from Him and not what He wanted to give…when what He would give was going to satisfy them far more than they were willing to imagine.

What am I willing to imagine?

Jesus looked at His chosen twelve disciples and asked them if they were going to leave Him too…

Their collective response came from Peter in verse 68~

Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the word of eternal life.

There is that choice: embrace and face it or brace to avoid it.

Jesus was teaching things people- even His closest disciples- did not understand and He was starting to make enemies of those listening. In a sense, He was losing His popularity and gaining hostility wherever He went. He was not performing in the way they believed the Messiah should.

“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms“

(Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).

Leading up to my surgery date, I was surrounded by people who kept amazing me with their love and support for me.

I was overwhelmed by my coworkers who wore matching shirts they had purchased in my honor and surgical hats to bring awareness to the Breast Cancer cause. We met for a dinner where they gave me a huge poster board signed by many that I come into contact with during my work days and we laughed together as we ate together (which is rather unheard of in the nursing world to be able to all eat at the same time).

My girl and I had a “Garrie-Day” where we just spent the day together doing things that she and I liked to do together.

The night before my surgery, my best friends came over for a “bra-burning” celebration with mocktails and karaoke. We realized that when the bra is burned, the support wires remain. How interesting is that? After the fire, the support is still there…

I then spoke on the phone with both of my sons who were unable to come home for my surgery. I wanted to tell them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, that it was more than okay that they keep going with what they had going on (Nic was completing his finals at WMU and Troy is stationed in Washington). I did not want them to feel any guilt or regret that they were not home: they were exactly where I wanted them to be. Have I mentioned that I love them lately??

Through all this, my wonderful husband stood by in his quiet way, letting my cup be filled with those the Lord had placed in our path over the years. I cannot count the number of texts, emails, calls, and cards I have received telling me that I am loved and that I matter in this world. It is hard to describe what the knowing of that means to a person who is fighting off fear, so I thank you for arming me for battle.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear (1John 4:18)

When I woke up on my surgical day, I took the last shower that I could have for a few weeks. I could not wear makeup but I opted to do my hair as I figured I might as well look as nice as I could: “dress for success” and all that I guess.

I ran into a co-worker upon my arrival to the hospital and got in a “last” hug of support from the “chosen” Endo representative. However, when I woke up from my surgery, Dan informed me that he had run into another co-worker in the cafeteria during my surgery and she was wearing a #TeamAmy shirt! I later realized when numerous co-workers sent me texts with pictures of themselves that they ALL wore those shirts once again on my surgery day – unbelievable.

My emotions began to creep up on me the closer to my surgical time came. My eyes burned so much it was hard to see.

More OR co-workers peeked around my privacy curtains to say hello and to wish me well. I surprisingly wheeled by my colo-rectal surgeon while on the way to the area where my Sentinel Node was to be injected. When I was wheeled back to my curtain area upon completion of the Sentinel Node marking, I saw that my oldest friend from college surprised me by driving over two hours just to sit in the waiting room with my family.

Minus my sons, all those I loved were grouped in a bunch in the waiting room wearing matching shirts that said “this is a beautiful day to fight cancer” and they were all there for me. For Dan.

Our pastor and friend came to pray with us and that was when the tears started to fall. Being told I was strong when I did not feel strong anymore, that I could do this but I did not know what this meant anymore, that I “had” this but I decided I no longer wanted it was running conflictedly through my head.

I suddenly wanted to brace myself for avoidance of this suffering because the bravado of embracing it had finally worn off.

I no longer felt strong or confident. I felt weak and exposed. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. I had been so close to the tree for protection from the scorching heat but now felt alone. Utterly alone. My mind was devoid of thoughts and scripture.

To the words of “He is with you”, I was taken to the operating room.

I looked and couldn’t find Him.

I felt myself frantically looking all over the room and not finding the peace I was searching for. I gripped the table and felt my whole body tense up with my knees bent even though I was given plenty of medication to relax me.

I couldn’t breathe and started to cry. I wanted this over. I wanted Dan. Did he know I loved him?? Did he get lost in the shuffle because of his humble willingness to step aside and let others give love and support to me? Was he ok? Would he be ok??

My surgical team kept reassuring me, reminding me I was not alone, to go where I knew I would find comfort…

I begged God to show me where He was… to bring His Word to my mind in my panic….

I felt my brain quickly flipping through endless pages of thoughts without an ability to land on anything. My desperation increased and my surgical team could sense it.

Finally, my brain settled on one thing: a song lyric~

Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name…On the road marked with suffering, though there is pain in the offering, blessed be Your name (Matt Redmond)

Of all lyrics…

On the road marked with suffering, still I will say, blessed be Your name…

You can’t make this stuff up. That’s like verses 2 and 3: who immediately goes to the 2nd verse when you think of a song? Most of us remember the chorus (that’s not it) or the 1st verse (also not it). My brain went to the second and 3rd verses…blessed be Your name.

I legit remember nothing but that lyric until I woke up in the PACU.

The surgery went as expected: blessed be the name of the Lord.

The cancer was successfully removed: blessed be the name of the Lord!

The nerve block anesthesia provided was keeping me from pain: blessed be the name of the Lord.

The mixture of medication given to me by the CRNA kept me free from nausea: blessed be the name of the Lord.

My family and friends put in one heck of day in that waiting room as my surgery took close to 8 hours. They all came to see me (quickly) as I was settled into my inpatient room for the night before they felt comfortable to leave me in the very capable hands of Dan and Garrie (and the nursing staff, of course).

Dan left for the night and I was alone again…this time knowing I really wasn’t.

In the morning, the surgeons were pleased with my initial recovery process so Dan took me home that afternoon with strict instructions to let me (make me) take it easy… no lifting anything, take my pain medication, no showering, rest, rest, rest.

This is my current schedule:

The anticipation is over. The surgery is completed. The cancer is gone. The recovery has started with all that it entails… pain management, movement for activity, body image issues, emotional adjustments, drain maintenance, doctor appointments…

It’s a lot.

Psalm 88

O, Lord, the God of my salvation, I have cried out {for help} by day and in the night before You. Let my prayer come before You and enter into Your presence; incline Your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles… I am like a man who has no strength, cast away from the living…You have laid me in the lowest pit, in dark places, in the depths… But I have cried out to You, O Lord, for help; and in the morning my prayer will come to You…

I press on.

Let the recovery begin…