Just about 11 weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer that had been officially diagnosed on February 10. Those two events of diagnosis and surgery radically changed my life, and I cannot say for the worse. Isn’t that ironic?

Three weeks ago, I returned to my bedside nursing position where I was rejoined with my amazing co-workers. At that same time, I planned and prepped to deliver two sermons back-to-back at different churches. Let me tell you: it was exciting to be able to accomplish what I had scheduled to accomplish prior to all this cancer business started!

In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise; in God I trust and am not afraid- what can man do to me?? I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to You. For You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. ~Psalm 56:10-13~

Where I am on this journey now is in the waiting. What that means is that I am in the in-between surgeries portion of my recovery process. I am in the que of scheduling another surgery that will remove the spacers I spoke of in a previous blog and to replace them with the permanent implant.

While waiting, I have started taking the medication Tamoxifen daily. I was diagnosed with ER+ breast cancer so that means I require hormone therapy to stop further cancer cells from forming thanks to my estrogen. I’ll be taking it for approximately 5-10 years BUT I won’t need chemotherapy or radiation alongside it: THANK THE LORD.

Most of the time, being in the waiting is no fun and requires a lot of patience. It often is filled with questions for the unknown about what is going to happen next. I’ve been known to give the encouragement to be productive in the waiting; be purposeful, maintain hope, be teachable…

I think I’d like to add this: be thankful.

It’s a perspective shifter, for sure, when you can find something to be thankful for when you’re waiting for the next thing. Anything to be thankful for.

In the aftermath of the diagnosis and surgery, I was shell-shocked. I was in disbelief that this had even happened. I could not wrap my brain around the idea that I was actually diagnosed with cancer and that my body now looks completely different on account of that.

Could my situation have been worse? Heck yeah, it could have been, and I was acutely aware of that.

Did that make me grateful while I was looking at a scarred figure in the mirror with zero stamina to walk my block or take care of my own basic needs in those early days?? Not really.

I was NOT thankful that I was in this situation at all. Frankly, I was miserable in it. I was in physical pain and emotional turmoil. I recognized that the physical discomfort was temporary, but that did not bring me much comfort as I knew that I was now physically altered in a way I never asked to be.

But I pray to You, Lord, in the time of Your great favor; in Your great love, O God, answer me with Your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink. Deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of Your love, in Your great mercy turn to me. ~Psalm 69:13-16

In the early days of my recovery, I determined to be obedient to the Lord and what I discerned was a request He had of me: surrender to this, Amy. Surrender to Him. Surrender my time, my healing, my plans: present, past, and future.

Don’t DO, just BE.

In response to that, I made up my mind:

“I WILL NOT DIE, BUT LIVE AND WILL PROCLAIM WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE”

(Psalm 118:17).

Surrendering to the recovery process included being in a place of submission toward my emotional response to all this. Once again, I was faltering with the idea that it is acceptable to not be ok with what is happening. I struggled with the thoughts that crying frequently must be a sign that I’m not “doing this well.” I contemplated the need for an antidepressant or counseling (neither are bad options but were they necessary for me??).

I worried that I could be doing this better in order to faster accept my new reality in a new body.

So, I let go.

That’s when the craziest revelation came to me:

I have been given a gift with this cancer diagnosis. I have been ENTRUSTED with the diagnosis of breast cancer and the treatment plan for it for me.

Do I DARE believe that?!!

Could I possibly ACCEPT that notion as reality??!!

ENTRUSTED.

I told you, in the beginning, that when I first felt “the lump” there was a Scripture verse from Isaiah that had been rattling around in my spirit for hours that very day. That, when I looked in the mirror after feeling it, I said to the Lord, as I looked my own self in the eye, “You meant ME, didn’t You? I’m really going to go through this. This is really going to happen.” I also said I went to sleep with great peace not too long after the discovery.

WHEN you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and WHEN you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. WHEN you walk through the fires you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze ~Isaiah 43:2

I have told you of the waters raging all around me, getting deeper and deeper with a faster and faster current threatening to pull me under.

I have told you of the heat of the fire as it burned in me and around me.

My feelings have been real. My story telling has been raw. My experience has left me vulnerable and exposed in more ways than I imagined.

I have shared it all with you as the truth of what I have been thinking, feeling, going through.

And now, 11 weeks after the surgery that removed the cancer from my body and almost 5 months since we heard the words “YOU HAVE CANCER”, I’m telling you I believe I have been entrusted with it.

God did not GIVE me cancer. I am not PUNISHED by Him and therefore “cursed” with cancer. I did nothing to DESERVE having it or to have caused it.

However, I made a choice to follow Jesus with my entire life about 15 years ago. As I grew in my relationship with Him, I CHOSE to make the decision to declare –no matter what happened– “Blessed be the Name of the Lord.”

I made that vow YEARS ago. YEARS AGO.

And wouldn’t you know (if you remember) the one lyric I recalled as I was panic stricken in the OR room while on the OR table was from the song, “Blessed Be Your Name.”

That lyric comes from the book of Job 1:21. Job made his own declaration after he had suffered unspeakable loss~

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I MADE my choice to follow Jesus no matter what happened because I had lived my life without Him when things happened…the peace that comes by being able to declare with confidence, “blessed be the name of the Lord” has replaced the emptiness I previously experienced after loss, the hopelessness I felt, the regret, the anger, the shallow pool that numbing and denial created.

Jesus NEVER said, “Follow Me and life will be easy.” Instead, He said, “Life will get harder than you can imagine because you follow Me, but I will be with you through it…I will strengthen you…I will hold you…I will give you power through the Holy Spirit to endure and still be joyful.”

He said, “Keep your eyes on Me. Watch what I do. Follow My example. Stay close to Me.”

The ultimate example to follow will be that He overcame the grave…He conquered death. He ROSE to life. He is ALIVE. He ascended to His Father in heaven in front of witnesses and the world has never been the same since.

We WILL experience that too.

I have experienced the living Christ. I am forgiven because of His death on the cross. I am redeemed. Restored. Made whole.

I am not perfect, and I fall short daily in my efforts to be like my Savior. But that is ok… He died for me (and you) while we were still in sin (which means outside of the right relationship with God we were meant to have) because He still loved us no matter that we did not love Him.

So, I choose Him. I choose to live for Jesus as my King. That means I surrender all to Him whether I understand everything that happens in my life or not.

I did not understand why I was diagnosed with cancer. I was not angry over it, but I was certainly confused…why now? What next? How on earth has this happened??

The question of, “Do I trust You still” was answered with an emphatic yes! As the apostle Peter said, “where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life.”

My choice had been made: BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.

THAT choice allowed me to sleep that first night. That choice gave me strength to tell our family, to cry publicly instead of hiding in shame, to ask for prayer to HEAR the voice of the Lord so I would know what to do instead of asking for healing.

That choice comforted me as memories of my beautiful friend that had died from cancer not too long ago washed over me with a grief so fresh it could have broke me.

That choice kept me turning to Him for strength that many of you have nicely told me I exhibited when I did not feel strong at all.

That choice showed me I was loved. I was seen. I matter. That THIS diagnosis, this hurt in this world matters.

That choice is what convicts me to tell my story so many more will see themselves somewhere in it and know how loved they are as well.

For God so loved THE WORLD….

So, yeah. I was entrusted with it. I knew to give it to God so He could use it. Why go through it for any other reason???