One year ago today we recieved confirmation of what we already knew: I had breast cancer. 

I saw the result come to the app on my phone and called my husband immediately so I could open the app to read the result with him.

We sat in silence after.

We decided to meet up at Costco so we could wait together for the Nurse Navigator to call us and tell us our next steps.

Sitting in my car in the parking lot, we answered that call and began filling the calendar with dates for upcoming appointments.

We called my brother and cried with him.

We went to my parents house and told them.

It was not a fun day.

Today, a year later, I went to a follow up appointment with my new GI doctor for maintenance of my still-active Crohn’s disease.

I sat in her office and discussed the upcoming plans that are in motion for to improve my overall condition. As we talked, I became emotional (and apologized, of course).

Her inquiry about the emotion allowed me to admit my thought process about what on earth has been happening with my body over this last year.

It’s like it has gone to war against me.

I believe firmly that I am on the winning side of this battle but the fight has still been hard.

And I am tired.

I told her the emotion that won’t be contained (when I let my guard down anyway) is because of the deep resignation I feel regarding it all.

I said, “I am resigned to this. THIS is the hand I’ve been dealt.”

This is the body I’ve been given.

This is my reality.

THIS body fights against itself due to the autoimmune disease I’m treated for.

This body is immunocompromised. It gets sick more easily than others. It stays sick longer than others.

This body has created drainage tracks called fistulas that drain body fluid from them and have been infected since they formed. It’s weird.

This body requires heavy duty medication to keep the autoimmune system in check. It is necessary to have frequent blood draws, colonoscopies, doctor appointments for maintenance as well as IV infusion appointments for the medication to be given to me.

THIS body has grown and housed cancer.

This body now has implanted breasts instead of what I was born with and no longer has nipples. How’s that for honesty?

This body makes me so so tired.

This body, though, has also grown 2 amazingly incredible boys that have grown into fabulous young men.

THIS body birthed them!

This body has run many 5k’s and a few 10k’s.  It’s even coached elementary girls for the program Girls on the Run.

This body has danced all night long!

This body has lifted arms in worship to the Savior of my soul and Lord of my life, Jesus Christ. This body serves God through every storm.

This body has held Dan’s hands for almost 30 years!

This body has comforted many people with hugs.

This body contains a heart that is brave enough to love children as my own who have not been born by me.

This body is uniquely made.

Fearfully and wonderfully made.

This body has been a beautiful bride.

This body has a face that (I am told) does not look her age. Hallelujah to that one!

This body has heaved with both laughter and tears.

This body has SHOUTED for joy and screamed in heartbreak.

This body has done many things. It has been through many things.

And it will go through many more.

This IS my reality.

This IS my body.

A body created for a purpose.

If I am resigned to accept the so-labeled “bad” things listed then I must also remember and accept the good too.

There is both.

And both make me me.

And that is a woman created in the image of God. The beloved of the Lord.

We are pressed but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not destroyed; always carrying around in the body the dying of Jesus so that resurrected life of Jesus also may be shown~ 2 Corinthians 4:8-10