Author: thischicksinpeace

I am chewing on a thought this morning…childLIKE faith is not childish faith.

We are taught by Jesus the importance of having a simplistic faith like a child~

Matthew 18:3 unless you repent and change your thinking to become like children (trusting, humble, and forgiving) you will not enter the Kingdom of God.

Mark 10:15 whoever does not receive and welcome the Kingdom of God like a child will not enter it.

However, when I think of children the first thing that can come to my mind is their lack of maturity, their lack of experience, their childishness.

In fact, 1 Corinthians 13:11 even suggests that when the apostle Paul became a man he did away with childish things…as if those things were not “good” as an adult.

That brings me to the conclusion that there are 2 different meanings here: what I perceive to be a negative in regards to childish ways and being childlike.

Childish is being immature.

Childish does not have to with age.

Childish is in spite of experiences and knowledge.

Childlike is a response from within.

Childlike is acceptance of something as it is.

Childlike is awe and wonder.

Childlike is trusting in the unknown.

In the middle of a tornado when I was a kid, my dad sent me to the basement with my mom while he stood watch in the driveway.

Digression warning!

To stand in the driveway and watch the sky is dangerous during a tornado warning!!

However…

This is what Michigander’s do.

I went to the basement willingly because I trusted my dad that he was sending me somewhere safe. I trusted my dad to keep a watch out for us

When he suddenly came running to the basement because the tornado was actually hitting my neighborhood at that exact time, I know I was scared but I still trusted that we were safe.

Why is that?

1. I had always been taught the basement is where you are safest during a tornado. I did not question that truth as a child..I accepted it.
2. My dad told me we would be ok.
3. My mom was praying.

I didn’t need much more than that to feel secure as a kid.

I had childlike faith in something I did not understand and could not control.

ChildISH faith looks very different…it takes all my experiences and knowledge and casts it aside saying “in spite of all I know….in spite of all I have been taught….I refuse to believe”.

In that storm childish faith would have looked like shear terror.

I am not joking when I said the tornado hit my neighborhood that day…it actually lifted my friend’s house up off the foundation one block over.

There was so much to be terrified of during that huge storm!

But I trusted we would be ok…and thankfully, we were.

In the storms of life, we are going to have our faith tested in the same way.

That is just the reality.

Why is that?

I think it is because it is when the devil knows we are weakened, our guard is down from fatigue, we are wounded, we are hungry (physically or spiritually)…

Matthew 4 tells of Jesus being tempted by Satan after He was hungry and tired…

Satan had to wait for 40 days to tempt Jesus…He had the patience to wait until that right moment when Jesus “should” be vulnerable.

Think back over your life….think of those dark days, intense grief, incredible pain, absolute thirst or hunger, paralyzing panic…

Is that where a fight broke out between you and a loved one?

Is that where you caved in to overindulging with food, drugs, or alcohol?

Is that where a temptation to cheat on your spouse became more appealing?

Is that where the desire to flee and abandon those you love rose up from within you? To quit living even?

Heck yeah it happened then.

I know because it has happened with me.

After the pain, I can see the Lord’s hand of protection and guidance so clearly…I can also see Satan’s arrows.

Our enemy is real: he knows when to attack and where our Achilles heel is to wound us.

If our faith is childish, it will be easier to abandon what we know about God, what we have been taught in the Bible, where to turn for our anchor in the storm.

If our faith is childlike, WE WILL BELIEVE IN WHAT WE CANNOT SEE AND CLING TO THE ONE WHO HAS ALREADY OVERCOME EVEN WHEN IT HURTS TO BREATHE!!

That is the HUGE difference in faith walking…

Spending time with the Lord each day will help you to trust Him more fully and that trust will carry you through whatever the devil comes at you with.

Remember, the THIEF came to kill and destroy but JESUS came to give us abundant Life.

If you are not living what you feel is abundant, full to overflowing life then I would encourage you to look into what you believe…

Are you living what you believe?

I believe firmly that even in the midst of the most incredible fear,pain,grief, or illness we can still have JOY and PEACE because I believe in the One who promised me I could.

Some days I need a firm reminder of that belief and trust but that does not be mean my faith has waivered. It means I am human.

I guess I may want to be more childlike than I once thought.

Here is a short quote I just read about boundaries that I felt was too good to keep to myself!

“Setting a boundary differs from building a wall because with a boundary we are still able to communicate and be open to reconciliation.

A wall completely cuts off any interaction, which is not what Jesus came to do.

But healthy boundaries are like fences, with gates that allow access in both directions.”

(The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 154)

What an incredible visual this presents!

I see a fence swinging both ways…although, sometimes, they do seem to get stuck don’t they? Requiring a little extra push to open it~especially if it hasn’t been used in awhile.

If a relationship needs to be separated by a fence but that fence seems more like a door, don’t forget about it… do basic maintenance on it:

• Check in the person casually
• Pray for that person
• Respond simply if they reach out

I don’t know if I was the only one who benefitted from reading this today or not, but it is sure is a good reminder!

I have made many plans over the years but, many times, I did not end up in the place where I thought I would.

How many times has that happened to you, my reader?

You choose to go left and suddenly something happens and you end up going to the right.

Most of the time, I have found, that where I ended up is often better than where I had planned in the first place.

Perhaps it has to do with timing…

But….I think maybe it has to do with something more.

Proverbs 16:9 states this~

A man’s mind plans his way as he journeys through life, but the Lord directs his steps and establishes them.

I read a quote today that I found to be quite profound when thinking along this rabbit trail of thought today:

“DISTANCE YOURSELF FOR A BIT AND YOU WILL REALIZE A LOT.”

There is so much truth in that simple statement, isn’t there?

The view from the top of the mountain you just climbed can show the better part of the whole journey…at least the entire part of where you came from. Suddenly, with hindsight helping your perspective, you can see why you are where you are by looking at how you got there in the first place.

I think of the “simple” plan made ages ago to move to Kalamazoo for college. I met a guy while I lived there that I tried to force into becoming THE ONE.

Ladies, forcing it does not make true love happen.

I had the opportunity to “follow Mr. Wrong” to Lansing and interviewed for my first real job as an RN at the hospital I am currently employed.

Instead of moving, though, I made the wise choice to stay in Kalamazoo to work at the hospital I had been trained… ultimately,I was giving myself space and distance to see how much of a Mr. Wrong this chap really was.

That realization showed me what I wanted in a mate, what I needed in a partner, and how I deserved to be treated in a relationship…

My eyes were opened to recognize Mr. Right. I met Dan less than a year later after breaking up with Mr. Wrong….the difference between Mr. Wrong and Mr. Right are astronomical!!

Now became the time to move to Lansing because Dan was the key to the right time NOT that other guy.

The Lord knew best how to place my steps even though I thought I had made a plan.

The choice to marry Dan introduced me to a sister I always dreamed of having…However, loving and then losing her forever changed my life.

Here I was again at a pinnacle crossroads…

We had gone to a local church after 911 occurred out of my fear of the apparent end of days. We went one time. We liked it, but we only went once.

BUT, when we had our first born in 2003, we decided we should at least try to teach him the real meaning behind major holidays so, of course, the only church we knew to go to was the one we had attended that one time in 2001.

Thus setting the stage for me to have a place to turn in 2010 when I was grieving the devastating loss of our sister…

The Lord places our steps…

Going to church in my grief showed me who Christ really is. Coming to know and follow Jesus transformed my heart, every future dream, and desires.

I was changed dramatically.

To be honest, that was never my plan. Looking back though, having some distance, has revealed quite a bit about the Lord’s character and gentle plan for my life.

With every challenge we have faced since that choice to live for Jesus, my marriage has grown stronger,my hope more alive, my optimism more passionate, my joy even deeper.

My plan was to be a good wife, mom, nurse, daughter, and friend…

The Lord’s plan was to use every ounce that made me, broke me, and restored me for His glory in every possible way.

The way before me may not be entirely clear, but my steps have been established by the One who goes before, behind, and next to me.

My prayer is that I will remember all that in times of doubt, confusion, hurt, or uncertainty and that you would also have the same assurance.

As I read my devotionals this morning, I felt prompted to write but when I sat down to do so I had the strangest sense of deja vu that I had quoted this devotional before. A year ago exactly today I blogged a post called “I Can’t Breathe” (I would encourage you to read it if you have not or read it again if you have).

When I read the previously written blog, I realized how much had changed in the one calendar year and also how much had not.

365 days later, my friend is still fighting metastatic colon cancer.

365 days later, my Crohn’s is still plaguing me in new and different ways.

That being said, over these past 365 days, I write in between large gaps of life ….have you noticed the inconsistency?

Sometimes it is very difficult to put into words what is felt in the depths of the heart and deep into the bones of a person.

365 days later, I am wiser.

365 days later, I am coping better.

365 days later, I am stronger.

365 days later, I still have hope.

365 days later, I still believe that God has not forgotten me.

The question in the devotional is still appropriate today and, I believe, worth revisiting:

“Can you still encourage and build even when you are facing your own life crisis? Can you still point others to where their source of strength lies when you are in one of your darkest moments?”

(The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 145)

For the last literal year, I have been struggling with huge weights of worry, fear, and doubt. I have wondered what I am doing, questioned what I have done, and pondered what I should do. Every angle has been adequately analyzed. I have no stone left unturned. I have beaten myself up for my shortcomings. I have retreated to my bed to wallow in my weaknesses. I have waved the white flag of surrender. I have collapsed under the burden of my perceived failures.

Every day over these last 365, I chose to rise….and repeat that process with the hope that “today” is truly a new day.

365 days…new challenges…new victories…new lessons….new perspectives gained…

As of now, I am on a dual treatment for my Crohn’s of double the immunosuppressant agents. I would like to claim that I am feeling an improvement. I am nervous to say it…but there it is.

As of now, I am still hesitant to move forward in ministry opportunities. My desire is strong to speak the Gospel…but I am very scared to commit. My doubts are heavy and my fear of inadequacy (physical and spiritual) is real. All I have to say is “I am ready”…and take that leap of faith into something new- but I am scared.

As of now, I learning how to let go of something I have held very tightly onto.

My heart is wounded but is healing.

My body is scarred but is also healing.

And yet my thoughts wage a battle that continually ask that question from above:

Can you still encourage???

What has been whirling around in my head to share with you is something that I find I have been doing lately to combat those fears, anxieties, doubts, and hurts that WILL NOT STOP FLOODING ME.

Will it be an encouragement to you? I hope so. To have purpose put into my darkest moments would be only something the Lord is qualified to do.

I was in the car the other day and my heart felt squished…know that feeling? It is beating, yes…there is no physical pain…but it seemed to be compressed inside of me all the same.

Deep sorrow does that to a person.

Grief does that.

Loss does that.

Letting go does that.

I did not want to talk about it.

I still don’t.

However, what I have realized, is that I do not need to.

I kept a conversation going with the Lord in my head every time the twinge of heartache came…and kept coming.

This conversation sounded like this:

Help me, Lord. I give this to you.

Take it God.

Bind my heart.

I am not alone for You are with me.

You understand this AND me.

You’ve got this.

You’ll protect me.

You’ll carry me.

Then I did something else new (other than keeping quiet for a change)… I invested in life around me. I did it with gladness. I did it with thankfulness. I did it with a heart full of love.

And I keep doing all of that over and over and over again.

Know what?

In God’s mercy, IT IS HELPING.

Remember, my situation is 100% UNCHANGED.

But, something on the inside of me IS.

I have a strange calm inside of me that used to be a whirlwind.

When the storm begins to blow again, I cry (I am totally human guys!). I tell God I don’t like this and I don’t understand this. I argue with Him that I know I am supposed to Proverbs 3:5-7 things when I don’t understand BUT THAT DOESN’T TAKE THE ANGST AWAY.

He gives me other Scripture’s to counter…Keep seeking me, Amy, and I will give you the desires of your heart…I will not forsake you Amy…My Word will restore you Amy, it will revive you.

“When something upsets you, don’t let fearful or obsessive thoughts take over your mind. Instead, talk with Me about whatever is troubling you. Then cast all your anxiety on Me, knowing that I care for you.”

(Jesus Always by Sarah Young)

Funny thing is this: that is what I have been doing and didn’t know it or realize the grace I was given until I read the devotionals this morning.

God is faithful and will carry you through whatever it is you are experiencing as well.

I encourage you to try something new too.

“So put more time and energy into developing your relationship with Me, seeking not only My Presence but also My will. Be ready to follow wherever I lead. I will guide you along adventurous paths that can fill your life with meaning”- #jesusalwaysdevotional #jesusalways #jesusalwaysbysarahyoung

Developing my relationship with God is what I have been doing and focusing on for the better part of the last ten years.

This adventure I have been on has brought me into ministry for the Lord where I least expected it- youth, teaching, grief counseling, life encouraging.

It has brought me new passions for my future- ministry prep college classes, potential job opportunities in grief ministry, blogging, speaking, preaching.

It has brought radical healing and change into my family- freedom from alcoholism, renewed and restored marriage, parent salvation, an additional member to our family when we least expected him.

I have been challenged, hurt, broken, repaired, wounded, healed, strung out and stretched, comforted and strengthened, and never bored.

The desires of my heart have become His desires…those that He has placed in me.

Ten years ago I spoke of being a writer with a girlfriend of mine- but it was only “joke talking”. I never dreamed a passion to write (and also to speak) my thoughts would become as necessary to me as breathing.

I was born to be a “talker” and have never been one to refrain from expressing my opinions. I never dreamed that my talking would turn into a desire to encourage God’s people and to proclaim His Word at any invitation to a platform.

I have always been one to be hopeful and to desire a home open to many kids- especially those in need of extra TLC. I never dreamed how many would respond to the openness of our home and that one would find a forever place in our hearts and family in whatever manner he requires.

I knew my husband was special but I never dreamed that he would have the impact he has on his family, our friends, his community, and at his work place that he does now that he walks with the Lord.

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

When I doubt His plan because life doesn’t seem to be looking as I think it should- when it feels like the path is bumpier than need be-this verse comforts me.

Just because the fruition of the desire implanted into me has not come to pass as of yet does not mean it won’t or that something is “wrong”.

It simply means NOT YET AMY.

The desires on my heart are too far-fetched for them to be my own doing, so I will continue to trust in the timing of the One who put them there in the first place.

The Saturday sandwiched between Good Friday and Easter Sunday is filled with waiting.

On most occasions, the mere idea of waiting for something produces uncertainty and anxiety…in rare cases, eager anticipation.

After Jesus’ death, I would assume those who followed Him and loved Him were also waiting…but they did not know what for.

We have the luxury of knowing Sunday’s coming…all they had were promises made by the One they believed to be the Messiah.

Have you ever thought you were certain about something or someone?

You thought you knew them well….

You thought you could trust them…

You thought they loved you too…

You thought you could believe in them…

And then something happens to shake up that certainty.

It is so easy to believe when what you believe in stands right in front of you or is held in your hands.

It becomes more difficult to stand firm in your convictions when that no longer is the case.

With Jesus’s friends and family, that had to be where they were on “Saturday”.

I can understand that and appreciate that thought today.

There are many circumstances in out lives that place us right in the middle of what once was and what will be.

The what will be thinkingis highly influenced by what we said we believed during the what once was time.

I will be happy….how can I be after the death of someone I love?

I will be well…how can I be in the middle of an illness?

Things will work out…will it really if I let go of what I am clinging to?

I will not be alone…

I will not be forsaken…

I will have peace….

I will have joy…

I will feel loved…

What was started in me will be completed…

There is a plan for my life…

I don’t know where you are today, but if you are also sandwiched in the waiting….remember we DO know Sunday is coming.

Let that knowing be an encouragement….the promises made to the disciples were fulfilled by the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Everything they believed about Christ when He was with them, He completed and affirmed in His death and resurrection.

Sunday is coming for me.

Sunday is coming for you.

Resurrection power heals, revives, restores, renews…I need some of that in my life~clinging to the Cross brings it.

Be encouraged this Saturday.

Two years ago around this day of April 17, I began this blog.

Last year, around this day, I was in the climax of one of the biggest physical and emotional challenges I have ever faced in my life to date.

I had already been living in the swirling mess of a tornado called Depression when I got the call that one if my oldest and dearest friends had a vicious return of her Colon Cancer- this time metastasized in her ovaries and omentum.

I was beyond overwhelmed by the sheer possibility that both diseases could rob this world of someone precious in an instant….and I was helpless to stop it from happening.

And then my illness reared its own ugly head to make its presence known…while dragging me to my knees in surrender.

Life smashed into me hard last year- around this day.

Therefore, reading my devotions this morning is rather interesting…

Are you like me, and write notes in your Bible or devotional books?

My mom has always done it so I cooied the habit from her…I must say it is pretty neat to see where you were and where you are especially in the context of spending time with the Lord.

I read Jesus Calling by Sarah Young daily- I have for years now. The pages are frayed and coffee stained but also marked with notes that were thoughts jogged by the words being read that day. Sometimes it is only a name with the year by it and other times it is a situation also being dated.

Today’s reading is no different.

The comparison of reading it TODAY with the memories of LAST YEAR still fresh in my head is causing me to be quite reflective this morning.

“I am training you in steadiness…Awareness of Me can continue in ALL circumstances, no matter what happens. THIS IS THE STEADINESS I DESIRE FOR YOU.”

The road I have walked these 365 days since reading this and UNDERLINING these words have most certainly been a long lesson -COVERED BY GRACE AND MERCY- in steadiness amidst my circumstances.

“Don’t let unexpected events throw you off course…I can help you cope with whatever is before you.”

And that He has…through panic attacks, fear storms, despair, anger, confusion, frustration, shame, discouragement, misunderstanding, lack of focus, lack of energy, lack of purpose, lacking of value…I am coping.

The Bible passages with this simple reading need to be shared as well…

Psalm 112:7

She will not fear bad new;

Her heart is STEADFAST, TRUSTING in the Lord [confidently relying on and believing in the Lord].

I have NEEDED that verse so many times this year…I have needed to cling to it, to claim it, to stand on it, to remind myself of it.

Have you ever had so much going on that the sound of a phone ringing scared you to death because you were certain something else bad had happened and that call was to inform you of it???

I NEEDED TO SAY THE WORDS OF TRUTH FROM THE BIBLE THAT I WILL NOT FEAR BAD NEWS!!!

Next, is Isaiah 41:10

DO NOT FEAR [anything] for I am with you;

DO NOT BE AFRAID for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, be assured I will help you;

I will certainly take hold of you with My righteous right hand.

Wow.

Looking back, I can see it.

Living in it, I could only cling to it.

365 days can only bring about so much change, you know? The intensity has abaded most days but the circumstances still remain… There are no real cures, only treatment, for Crohn’s, cancer, and depression.

We must learn to live with what we have been dealt.

Learning to cope has been the key for me.

Be encouraged today if you too are being trained in steadiness…the righteous hand of God is reached out to take hold of you too- go ahead and cling to Him.

I had the pleasure and honor to give my testimony this past Friday at our annual Spring Youth Retreat that we call ” UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL”.

These are my notes:

How many of you know what it feels like to HAVE to do something but you really do not feel like doing it?

How about this- have you ever felt that you WANTED to do something but just physically could not do it???

Well, that’s me too.

Frankly, I am tired.

To be more honest than that…I am exhausted.

Have you ever felt like you were on the right track, doing the right thing, going in the right direction? That life is kind of on cruise control? Then something crazy happens to either you or someone you know and your handle on things seem to slip? It’s like you can’t get your bearings…your feet under you…things don’t seem “normal”.

Know what I mean?

This feeling can last a short period of time…or it can seem like it goes on forever.

It can be brought on by a fight with a friend, a break up with a boy friend or girlfriend, a criticism by a teacher or a parent, a bad grade or a missed assignment, or a rough day at work. What it is, it throws you right off your A-game…

It could be worse than what is listed: a family splitting up, folks fighting ridiculously around you, a job issue or loss, a death in the family, your pet could get sick and have to be put down, a friend having a really hard time, an illness comes out of nowhere for someone you love or for yourself.

These things you can’t plan and cannot control whence they start.

That’s me right now.

Where I have been for the better part of this last year.

Tomorrow, April 16, will be exactly one year when everything changed for me…but the week before that I was working very hard to convince myself that the “sick” I felt was not “really sick” at all.
What I tend to do- what most mom’s do- is put everyone else’s needs in front of my own and ignore or downplay what is happening inside of me. In this case, I had two back to back youth retreats, a husband out of town for his job, a depressive crisis happening in the life of one I love dearly, a job to do, and sons to raise with Spring sport schedule’s…so I pressed on. I was thinking that whatever was going on with me wasn’t a big deal- no way was it a big deal! How could it be a big deal?
Well, dang it all. It flipping was a big deal.
Shoot.

Two days after I fed my precious youth group teenagers a full-on turkey dinner feast, I ended up in the hospital with a massive infection thanks to my Crohn’s disease. I had developed an abscess and let it get out of control because of my own naïve denial.
Many moons ago, when I was 14, I was diagnosed with a disease called Crohn’s disease. Essentially, Crohn’s is an autoimmune disease where my immune system fights itself constantly causing inflammation that is generally contained in my intestinal tract. Since my diagnosis I have managed it with lots of medication and diet modification: certain foods bothered me more than others…so I learned what to stay away from or to expect when I would not feel good.
What is needed to know is that people can get really sick from Crohn’s- kids especially or if it is not well-managed. But, that has NEVER been me. I guess I thought my disease was something I had to deal with but that it wasn’t a huge deal…FOR ME.

I wanted to get on with my life and be like everyone else-except for the fact that I had to sneak medicine into my mouth 4 x a day and occasionally had frequent trips to the bathroom. If my stomach hurt, you would never know because I would never tell you or let on. I hid it. I wanted this to be no big deal.

My parent’s were obedient to the Bible’s instruction that if you are sick you are to be prayed over by the elders of the church and be anointed with oil.

James 5:14– is anyone among you sick? He must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of Jesus.

Jeremiah 29:11 was “given” to me that day as an encouragement and a promise.

At age 14- I thought it meant I was healed.
At age 20- I realized it didn’t and decided to live life my way.
By the time I was in my 30’s, it meant I got really sick because I had stopped taking my medicine (on my own medical advice NOT my doctor’s) because I thought I was “better” when it was just my pregnancy hormones that had put me into a “remission”.
I got angry about that for awhile…especially when I thought of my “so-called promise” that I ASSUMED meant being healed from Crohn’s.
I became indifferent at other times about it.

I don’t know what is worse: apathy or anger?

Let’s just say, I put Crohn’s on the back burner after that illness 11 years ago…I did what I needed to do medically but I decided, especially as I began to have a real, personal relationship with Jesus Christ, that this was just how life was going to be: taking medication, having frequent colonoscopies, feeling mostly ok for the rest of my life.

Then comes 2014 when God began talking to me (yep, He really talks to me folks. I hear Him so clearly through the Bible and in my Spirit…and He lets me know when I am not listening too!) He was talking to me about trusting Him. I felt the question “do you trust me” being asked over and over again. It was asked through different circumstances that came our way when I began to answer with a “yes, Lord I do”…I felt the next question from Him was always “well, how about NOW…do you trust me now?”

God very clearly impressed upon me this instruction found in Proverbs 3:5-6 to trust the Lord with all my heart, lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him and He will make my paths straight.

Having the promise of Jeremiah29:11 still hovering over me- promising a hope and a future and plans that would not harm me- God adds this passage with His “trust me” questions…When I could not understand what was happening in a circumstance, He kept bringing me back to this simple ( yet not so simple) command- TRUST THE LORD…When I didn’t understand what was going on I was reminded to NOT LEAN ON WHAT I UNDERSTOOD because I was to TRUST THE LORD.

Pretty clear cut stuff, huh?

Trust the Lord and He would make my paths straight that will give me a hope and a future.

I clung to those scriptures over these years since 2014…and let me tell you- we have suffered and struggled since. You do not get a “do you trust me challenge” and not get tested through it! I often DID NOT understand what was happening or why. I was hurting so many times in so many different ways but I chose to TRUST THE LORD AND LEAN NOT ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING. I chose to continue to believe that SOMEHOW the Jeremiah 29:11 promise was also going to be true too.

In 2016, we went on a mission trip to Puerto Rico. While there, the Spanish- speaking- only pastor of the church we were attending called me forward because she received a word from God about me.

Sounds strange, right? Bear with me…
Through a translator, she placed her hands on my stomach and asked if I had issues there. I said yes and immediately began to cry. Was I finally going to get my healing???
She prayed for me and this tremendous peace came over me. I was visibly shaking after as I know something happened in those moments. How could she have known something about my stomach when hardly anyone knew about it??
After, I went to Dan and sobbed and sobbed saying maybe I would be alright after all…maybe I won’t have to worry about this disease getting worse or getting in my way or slowing me down…maybe I won’t be so worried about insurance and benefits because the cost of my medicine is absolutely ridiculous.

I felt I was not to worry about it anymore because God had confirmed what was prayed over me all those years ago in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

• I did not quit taking my medicine this time.
• I continued going to my doctor.
• I heard God very clearly calling me into ministry for Him and I was obedient to what He was calling me to do.
• I spoke the Gospel for Him.
• I taught Bible Studies.
• I helped others.
• I led a Grief ministry.
• I began working with our marching band and being a physical presence of encouragement in our community.
• I started writing a blog.
• I spoke boldly at my work about what God was doing in me and my family.

I trusted God with my life. My future. My health.

Then last year happened.

I don’t want to sound dramatic and I am not looking for sympathy but, people need to know what I am going through so they KNOW WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. If I say I am “fine” then people will assume I am “fine”, right?

So, here it goes, In my new life of transparency, integrity, authenticity I say this…

I AM NOT FINE.

I have good days- don’t get me wrong. I am doing better than I was. But, there has not been and is not much that is FINE with I am dealing with.

Could it be worse? Sweet Lord in heaven, it could be…and that scares me to my bones because the possibility of “worse” still looms in my future.

That “future” I am afraid of certainly does not look like the one filled with hope I had envisioned was promised me.

HONESTY DISCLAIMER/POTENTIAL SELF-PITY POT WARNING:

I have been humbled this year by my illness. I have been brought to my knees in absolute weakness. I have been extremely humiliated in my suffering in the literal faces of those I WORK WITH. I have been examined in ways I never dreamed I could be and in ways I have no desire to discuss with Dan- let alone with you guys. I have been stripped of my modesty, my privacy, my ability to take care of myself, my confidence in my self sufficiency as a wife, a mother, a caregiver, a minister.

There are days when I JUST CAN’T DO IT.
There are days when I CAN’T DO ANYTHING.

Do you know what that feels like?

I’ll tell you…

It is dehumanizing.

I have been a capable, responsible working mom who has had the energy to volunteer, teach, serve, work, play…and I JUST CAN’T some days anymore.
And those days determine for themselves when they will come without any kind of notice or warning. I could be fine one minute and – just like that- I’m not: I have zero energy, my body aches, my head feels fuzzy to the point where I can’t think clearly, my stomach hurts deep on the inside.

My body is like a foreign entity to me.

WHAT THE HECK MAN?!

I stopped doing many of the activities I used to do. I don’t drive alone places that are too far away out of concern of “an event” happening and I can’t drive safely anymore. I have taken time off of work. Ask my kids- I nap more than anybody I know.

I am on medication that should help over time but could also hurt me in a different way as it does what it is does. I have had two “surgeries” to take care of an infection pocket that just won’t go away. I have a negative infection response to antibiotics now so I can’t take normal antibiotics without high risk to my system. I am extremely immunocompromised so working at a hospital is freaky to me in ways it never has been before. I have to have my blood drawn once a week.

All that and I don’t really feel too much better yet.

Can you imagine my thoughts???
I remember VERY CLEARLY what I told you about that prayer over me in Puerto Rico. I remember Jeremiah 29:11. I remember the “do you trust me now??” and Proverbs 3:5-7.

My very honest thinking speaks this in the deep recesses of my mind:

I have done EVERYTHING right…and here I am anyway.

Can you understand me on that?

You too may not have not done anything wrong , been doing what is right even, and STILL bad stuff happens or keeps happening..

It really stinks.

What have I been doing? What do I do?

Man, do I wish I had an answer that looked “holy and pure”…but I look real folks…ugly real.

I wail- let me tell you…WAIL.

Then, I CRY over this.

I HATE this.

I HATE going to my doctor so flipping much.
I HATE that I am scared to drive somewhere alone.
I hate that I am afraid to grasp onto my future that I want more than anything because of the “WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS AND I HAVE TO BAIL ON THE COMMITMENT” thoughts.

Trust me, guys, me even WRITING this is a HUGE deal.

I stay home a lot now.
I hide.
I have despaired.
I have questioned God with every fiber of my being as to why this is happening? What is his plan in this? How is THIS the “plan He has for me” from Jeremiah 29:11??

What good can possibly be done by me if I have no energy to do it?

You know what He says, beloved?

Proverbs 3:5-7 TRUST IN THE LORD. LEAN NOT ON YOUR UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH.

When life is HARD, when it is painful, when it is confusing, when it is uncertain…how can that possibly HELP???

Well, because He gives me more of Himself in Psalm 27:13 to go with the encouragement to keep trusting Him~ He promises that

I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

He goes one better than that in the verse actually by giving me the confidence to believe what it is I will see: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

Another version says it this way- what would have become of me had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness while in the land of the living???

Here is the reality…I could choose to say God failed me. God caused this illness. God lied to me. God can’t follow through, forgot me, rejected me. That He couldn’t stop it. That He is mean. That He is punishing me.
Many of you may have some hard stuff going on…maybe there is some bullying that you think God is turning His back on you because He isn’t stopping it. Maybe there is an illness that He won’t cure. Maybe there is ongoing abuse happening that you aren’t protected against. Maybe there is serious money trouble at home. I don’t know.
Maybe, like at my house, life seems fine but your mom is sick and you don’t understand why or what to do about it.
We could turn from the goodness of God and say we don’t trust in His promises very easily, couldn’t we?

BUT WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

I’ve lived a chunk of my life without Jesus as my Savior and it was empty…it hurt…it was dark…it was hopeless…

I have learned in my journey of trust that God is the MASTER of using what was planned for evil and turning it to GOOD.
I’ve been through so much with Jesus by my side in these last ten years…even though what is happening to me now hurts, even though my illness is scary and uncontrollable, even though I do not understand how my future is going to work out…I WON’T turn my back from who He is , who He has always been, and who He will be.

“If we are having a hard time, if we feel like giving up, God is still good. HE IS NOT THE AUTHOR OF OUR PROBLEMS. If something bad happens to us, God is still good. He doesn’t do good things for us because we are good and deserve them. He does good things for us because He is good and He loves us” -Joyce Meyer.

My situation isn’t great, you know? But IT COULD BE WORSE. God is allowing this, yes, but He is protecting me through it too. I have amazing doctors, my boss is incredible, Dan and I have come a long way in our marriage to be able to deal with this together, we have been wise financially so God is continuing to help us meet our needs that manner.

I am seeking God in my suffering in ways I never have before. I HAVE to trust Him because how else could I – on my own- have that future I long for that I believe God is calling me to do?

His spirit is comforting me in the deep places of my heart that are HURT through this. He is calming my fears in a way that no human ever could. He is making me see what is important in HIS eyes so I am reorganizing my priorities and time commitments.

Those are GOOD things that I never would be able to confess to or see if I wasn’t living this life right now.

And what is this hope that I believe to my core will happen???
That I WILL see His goodness. That I will have a future that will prosper me and not harm me. That my path will be made straight. That this current suffering will be insignificant to the glory that awaits me as I continue to trust in Christ. That He will finish what He started in me.

In the meantime…I endure….I persevere… I press on…I hang on….

For me:

• I read my Bible.
• I cry.
• I go to church.
• I ask God why and complain.
• I praise Him.
• I pout.
• I pray.
• I worry.
• I take baby steps forward to share my story boldly.
• I find reasons to be thankful.
• I love deeply those I am in contact with.
• I serve.
• I rest when I need to and do what He has called me to do when He gives me the energy to do it.

And my hope in Him flourishes…this endurance thing is legit folks, but it is so much better because I choose to HANG ON to my Savior through it all!

If you have learned anything from my story I hope it is this:

Life has its ups and downs…but we have to go through the valleys to be able to stand on the mountaintop.

Man, do I ever appreciate the view from the top of a mountain!

“A quiet, patient trust in God provides more strength for a follower of God than any alliance with any other person or system.

When danger threatens, it is difficult not to look for ways to use one’s own strength. It is also difficult to maintain inward composure and not trust external sources of help.

Even if we cannot imagine how we can be helped, if we are trusting God, we CAN have the confidence and therefore have peace that He will not forsake us in our hour of need.

God may use our strength or the help of others, but, when we turn to God first, we can learn which resources, if any, are the ones He wants us to use.”

(Amplified Study Bible Isaiah 30:15- emphasis added is mine)

Therefore, we do not become discouraged, spiritless, disappointed, or afraid even though our outer self is progressively wasting away because our inner self is being progressively RENEWED day by day.

So, even though, physical death is actively at work in us – SPIRITUAL LIFE is also actively at work in you.

All these things of suffering are for your sake so that as God’s remarkable and undeserved grace reaches to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving and bring more glory to God.

Yes, we are pressed on every side but WE ARE NOT CRUSHED.

Yes, we are confused but NOT DRIVEN TO DESPAIR.

Yes, we are persecuted but NOT DESERTED TO STAND ALONE.

Yes, we are struck down but NOT DESTROYED.

THEREFORE do not look at things only seen but on those that are unseen. For those things seen are temporary but the things unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:8-18

(emphasis mine and order rearranged for conversation sake)

“Fear can block the flow of [God’s] strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me”- Jesus Calling

How many times do we (I) try to supress/deny what makes us afraid? Or feel exhausted because we are facing that fear that is in our face daily with no apparent reprieve?

Fear blocks grace. I can’t see it or feel it when I am afraid.

I have been so scared so many times this year…scared over losing someone to suicidal depression…scared to lose someone to an extensive diagnosis of metastatic cancer…scared that my own health is spiraling out of control…scared that I have hurt people beyond repair by my choices…scared that I may never accomplish what I thought I was born to do…scared to fail…scared to be weak…scared to be perceived as something less than what I really am…

That’s alot of fear, huh?

Probably only the tip of the iceberg of these last 365+days…Imagine if I covered all of my 43 years??

We are all afraid at some point in our lives, aren’t we?

I don’t mean over trivial things like how terrified I am of mice…but about living alone, empty nest syndrome, job insecurity, purpose insecurity, feeling a lack of value…

My current fear is how to continue taking steps toward healing when the treatment is (for lack of a better word) daunting.

I told my girlfriend with cancer today that it is a great irony to take medication to help me when it could very well hurt me in a completely new way…

Let’s just say she understands because she receives chemotherapy on a regular basis with no end in site for the rest of her life….it is not exactly kind to a person’s body.

My new reality is a hard reality for me to accept…and an even harder pill to swallow each day at 6 pm as well as infuse into my veins every 8 weeks.

I put it ( this new medicine called Imuran) in my body last night for the first time to a response of my stomach rolling and a wave of incredible frustration washing over me- ask my husband: he was on the phone with me when I abruptly got off thebohone in irritation with him so he could go have a nice dinner with his boss…as if I thought what happens to me would have no impact on him.

Fear.

It does block things, doesnt it?

We can’t see other people because of it…their emotions or response or their attempts to stand by us…

We feel alone in our suffering.

And THAT IS A LIE.

I have to be intentional in what I know to be true even when I cannot feel it in that moment.

I have to.

I have to surround myself with what is truth.

I have to have daily disciplines in place so I can repeatedly turn to the truth habitually even when I don’t want to. It jusy has become what I know to do each day.

Isaiah 12:2

I will trust and not be afraid

FOR THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH AND SONG

Sometimes we have to do what could hurt us in order to make things right…It is scary to be vulnerable in that way. It is scary to not know for certain that it will all work out the way I hope.

What I know will happen is that somehow, some way it will all work out for God’s good…

Trusting Him instead of fighting my fears.

That’s the call for me, and many more I assume, today.

Be blessed my friends.