Author: thischicksinpeace

As a person known as being a “talker”, being quiet is not recognized as one of my character strength’s.

I am more known to fill the void with endless chatter.

I have been told a time or two to be quiet, tone it down, shorten it up…my dad fondly tells the story of picking me up from elementary school to have me lean forward on the seat to tell him all all my stories of the day- he said he was exhausted and asked me to lean back and rest for a few while he drove us home.

It’s nothing new…this talking thing.

I get my feelings hurt when people throw a casual comment at me that it is too much but- hey; I’ve heard it before so I shake it off.

What I don’t like is the insinuation that in my talking I don’t have anything to say.

Do you catch the difference?

There is empty chatter or noise OR there is something valid in what is being spoken.

I prefer validity- thank you very much.

Isaiah 30:15 says In returning to Me and rest, you shall be saved…in quietness and confident trust is your strength.

I always claimed that verse for my husband- he is definately the strong silent type…very confident with little words needed to spoken.

When he does speak…people listen.

But the beginning part of that verse got to me today…in returning to Me and rest…

Maybe the lack of quietness isn’t what is coming out of me but more of what is in me…

Trust me- if you think I SPEAK alot, you should hear all the words I do not say that are in my head 100% of the time…there is no reprieve- just a filter of what to share and when.

There is no quiet.

So, I ask, how can there be much rest either? Let alone confident trust…when I cannot hear above the clamor in my head?

“A quiet, patient trust in God provides more strength for a follower of God than any alliance with another person or system. When danger threatens, it is difficult not to look for ways to use one’s own strength. It is also difficult to maintain inward composure and not trust external sources to help. Even if we cannot imagine how we can be helped, if we are trusting God, we can have confidence and therefore peace that He will not forsake us in our hour of need. God may use our strength or the help of others, but, when we turn to God first, we can learn which resources, if any, are the ones He wants us to use. When God is first, then our decisions are wise”- Amplified Study Bible.

-Return to God

-Rest

-In that rest Quiet yourself

-Lean into the confident trust you have in the Lord

I read this yesterday and it resonated in me…sometimes (who am I kidding-MOST times!) the Word says it so much better than me~

Psalm 86

Vs 1-13

(I like this part first) Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me…

For I am distressed and needy (who hasn’t had a day like that??)

[I long for Your help]

Protect my life [soul], for I am godly and faithful; ( protect me because I desire to do Your will)

O You my God, save Your servant, who trusts in You [ believes in You, relies on You, confidently commits everything to You].

Be gracious and merciful to me, O Lord, for to You I cry out all the day long.

Make Your servant rejoice, for to You,O Lord, I lift up my soul [ all that I am to You in prayer].

For You, O God, are good and ready to forgive [our sins- letting them go forever];

You are abundant in lovingkindness and overflowing in mercy to all those who call upon You.

Hear my prayer;

And listen attentively to my requests (isn’t that the cry of our heart- to have Him HEAR us but also to really LISTEN to us as well?)

(Here we go with some truths…) In the day of trouble I will call upon You and You will answer me.

There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord.

Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom you have made shall come and kneel down in worship before You and they shall glorify Your name.

For You are great and do wondrous works!

YOU ALONE ARE GOD.

Teach me Your ways and I will walk in Your truth; direct my heart to fear Your name [ with awe-inspired reverence].

I will give thanks and I will praise You with all of my heart.

I will glorify Your name forevermore.

Great is Your lovingkindness and graciousness toward me; You have rescued me [from death].

Vs 15-17

You, O Lord, are a God [who protects and is] merciful and gracious;

You are slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness and truth.

Turn to me and be gracious toward me (my prayer here), GRANT ME YOUR STRENGTH…

Show me a sign of Your goodwill, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, BECAUSE YOU, LORD, HELPED ME AND COMFORTED ME.

What a prayer to pray when you don’t have the words to say…

Maybe someone needs to see this today from Zephania 3:17~

The Lord you God is in your midst,

A WARRIOR WHO SAVES.

Claim it.

I was in a conversation about a gas tank being on “E”…If you are like my spouse and I, we put gas in our tank when the little bell rings. Thanks to Costco, I think my hubby may choose to “fill-er-up” at that signal but I, however, still choose to put in the same $30 worth I have always done.

I very rarely “fill-er-up”…

I am not sure why I do that but what I do know is that I need to refuel far more often than I would if I simply filled the darn tank.

I seem to run low -or on fumes- on a regular basis.

And, it seems, many of us do the same spiritually- which leads to emotional and physical fatigue.

In my truck, I feel like I am often rushing to the gas station when I am in desperate need…On those rare times when I do choose to plan ahead and actually give myself the fuel I know I am going to need anyways- I am no longer as flustered, as rushed, or as worried about running out of gas completely.

There seems to be an advantage to keeping that tank filled…

I would dare say the same thing applies to my spiritual life:

When I KNOW there is a tough day, super busy, or emotional experience ahead of me I plan ahead– paving the way with prayer and planned time with the Lord.

I have learned the hard way what happens when I don’t on those days- they just got worse.

But how about on the in-between days? That’s where most of us live…get up, go to work, same old illness/drama/pain/trial but a different day.

Am I filling my tank or only giving myself enough of a portion to get me by?

Well, friends, my selection of devotionals spoke to this subject for me today:

Jesus Calling~

“Let me help you get through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face.”

Closet to God Each Day~

“Patience is a fruit of the Holy Spirit that manifests itself in a calm, positive attitude despite our life circumstances. Don’t think you can solve all your problems or over come difficulties on your own.”

So, to face my each and every day, I need the Lord to help me…I need to tap into His strength and resources…I need to let the Holy Spirit manifest itself in me.

But how, right??

It is so hard to LET GO AND LET GOD, isn’t it?

It is even harder to stop and refuel when we are so very depleted….that normally is when we feel we have zero control on our time…so how could we possibly stop?

These are the days I would be late to work if I stopped to get gas because my low fuel light came on…but yet I know I need the stinking gas.

So what do we do?

Stop and be late for work?

Push it as far as we can, hoping we don’t run out?

Plan better next time??

1 Samual 30:4-9 tells of David and his men discovering their camp had been ransacked with their wives and families being carried off as prisoners.

David and his men had left them unattended- leaving the camp vulnerable to invasion.

David’s men blamed him for these events because he was their leader..if it were not for him then this would not have happened.

They were exhausted, furious, frantic , and looking for blood- they figured David’s would suffice.

Verse 6 says that David was strengthened and encouraged in God; that he strengthened himself with trust in the Lord.

He stopped what he doing and sought wisdom from God over how to handle this situation.

His men wanted to kill him.

His wives and children were missing as well as his men’s.

He was scared, exhausted, conflicted…

The 365 Most Important Bible Verses for Mother’s~

“You might have a reason to be emotionally drained, just like David…Life can be especially difficult…But after a time, you must gather your confidence and trust in God and encourage yourself. You might have to give yourself a time-out for reflection or rest. You might want to set the mood by playing worship music [while doing specific tasks]. As you strengthen yourself, you will also strengthen [others].”

Sometimes, even the best planners have their tanks suddenly and unexpectedly alarm that it is almost empty…

Other times, we can see ahead where we may run low if we don’t plan in advance…and we still don’t get the gas while other days we do.

Either way, the solution is the same~we go to the source of fuel eventually.

If you only have $10 and 2 minutes then do what you can with what you’ve got because you have to have fuel to move…Take note in knowing there will be time to stop for more later.

The end of David’s story is that he asked God what to do- should he take his tired, weary, and angry men to try to recapture their families or not?

The answer was an emphatic “YES, GO DO IT!”

So he commanded his men again as their leader and led them into battle to retrieve what was most precious to them.

He suddenly had the energy to do what needed to be done because he went to the source to recharge him, give him vison and clarity, and to empower him.

Personally, I have been struggling with needing to refuel more often than ever before…Every day presents a new challenge- some that are predictable and others that I couldn’t see coming even with a crystal ball.

I am often “emptied”- if I am lucky its at the end of the day but more lately its been happening midday.

Not cool when there is much to be done in these 24 hours.

Let me know if you agree- I feel frustrated, discouraged, weepy (ugh-the worst!), tired in those moments.

So what do I do?

I have said this 1000 times~ I am as normal a person as anyone else…

I keep going is what I do.

I do what I know to do.

I go where I know to go.

I get up early and read my Bible.

I turn my Jesus-music on LOUD.

I ask my friends to pray for me.

I cry.

I nap.

I go to Costco and get.more.stinking.gas.

And keep driving.

Ok. Let’s have a little fun with Jeremiah today! I love a good word-picture and this passage gives me plenty to see!

Jeremiah 17:7-8

(I’d say close your eyes and picture it but….then you can’t read this soooo~turn on the ole imagination cap instead!)

Blessed is the person who trusts the Lord.

STOP THERE.

Picture yourself immediately as that person.

The Lord will be MY [his] confidence.

Here we go with the paraphrasing~

[I] will be like a tree that is planted by water.

[I] will send [MY] roots down to a stream.

[I] will not be afraid in the heat if summer.

[MY] leaves will turn green.

[I] will not be anxious during droughts.

[I] will not stop producing fruit.

How about that? Look Ma, I’m a tree!

My roots go deep and stretch to where they will be nourished so times of heat –intense pressure– and times of drought –shortage of needs- I WILL STILL PRODUCE FRUIT.

Why is that?

The Word says its the blessing that occurs when I CHOOSE to put my trust and confidence in the Lord.

Think of a nourished tree as it waves in the wind…or stands in full glory in the middle of a field…

It stretches tall…it stands strong…it looks proud…It grows what it was made to grow.

I want that.

Have you ever been wrongfully accused of something?

I have a friend who is currently experiencing a hard time….A time where it would easier, and relieving, to justify himself.

Know what I mean?

For example, a person’s car gets ticketed for parking in a no-parking zone. Pretty easy ticket for the police office, right? Except, you had been in a hurry that day and did not see the sign that said “No Parking” because it was obscured by a large tree.

A person would feel justified to argue their case, would they not?

It feels good to be right after all…

But, it doesn’t mean the person will win the argument just because they point out their perspective and the flaws in the landscaping system.

Sometimes, a good defense does nothing more than put someone on the defensive…and the ticket turns into points on a license.

That isn’t winning.

I was given great advice recently to let the Lord be the justifier…I would add to also be the judge.

He sees the whole picture after all…He sees the motives…He sees the heart.

Not an easy task when you believe you are right.

I emphasize the word “right” to not mean “perfect”.

No one does anything perfect…but it can be done right- depending on perspective.

Perspective is created by the view a person has depending on which side of the street they are watching a parade from.

So, if arguing a point is pointless…and defending oneself puts another on the defensive…what on earth is my friend to do?

Hebrews 12:3 jumped out at me this morning~

Just consider and meditate on Him who endured from sinners such bitter hostility against Himself [consider it all in comparison to your trials], so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

What happens in a battle?

<we all know relationships are both won and lost on the battlefield of life>

We get weary in a battle, don’t we? It is exhausting. Relationships, even the great ones, can be tiring…It is because they take work.

There is not one relationship that will thrive if taken for granted and not tended to…not a healthy growing one anyway.

What happens when we are weary? We lose heart.

What does that mean?

When you are tired and worn (or- WEARY) it becomes easy to quit…to lose hope…to despair…to think negative…your head hangs down and you drag your feet instead of looking up and marching tall…thoughts become “catastrophic”- it’s all over, we will never recover…

Right?

Anyone been there before?

So, the Word, that is sharper than any sword and strong enough to cut through bones and marrow- meaning it can cut right to the heart if you because of its TRUTH-says to consider Jesus.

Jesus endured bitter hostility….He was most definately wrongfully accused and killed, tortured, humiliated for nothing He had done.

HE ENDURED IT.

Why?

For the greater good…our good…He loved us so much that He tolerated the shame willingly so He could go to the Cross to offer us a way out of our own suffering.

We are to consider that when in our trials..

Now, Jesus also flipped some tables in His day so there is most certainly a time for justified anger but is it every time?

What is the end goal of our need for justification? To be right? Or for the greater good to be recognized and glory given to God through it?

Meditating on Christ, therefore, comparing and considering my time of difficulty with what He endured, will help me to not become weary.

Lately, I have been struggling with fatigue…so I have a unique perspective on being weary.

When I am tired, battle worn, I do not get much accomplished. In those days I am lucky if a simple task is completed. I most certainly am not thinking about people out of eye sight: making meal for another, answering the phone, meeting a need.

I tend to think of what is directly in front of my face- which normally are my eyelids on those days!

The Bible tells me I can be free of weariness in trials…the opposite of my “tired days” then can occur: I can be compassionate and empathetic to another’s perspective, I can serve others, I can be available and open to do something.

We are created to live in a community with each other, to meet each other’s needs and to love each other…I cannot do that well when I am weary.

And forget it if I lose heart: Now it is fighting an uphill battle against the current in 30 degree water.

The point of all this is to pause…take a breath…and consider how Christ endured when He was right…because being “right” didn’t matter as much as the Kingdom Cause did.

At His death, even the soldiers knew He was the Son of the God by how He chose to die.

How do I live? Do I choose to die to self daily and take up my own cross so others will see Christ in me?

It isn’t easy.

But there is no greater good than that.

And it is WAY better than being weary!

I wasn’t going to post something right away this morning…I really was going to wait to get through my devotions before I chose to write something.

I listened to a Proverbs 31 Ministry podcast and identified with one of the woman. She said she frequently found herself spending her quiet time with the Lord in the morning inspired to share her thoughts/a quote/a verse with her Bloggers or on social media…when she realized in that moment she would lose connection with the purpose she was doing the quiet time with the Lord.

It’s like having your best friend over for coffee…you clear your time and table for her (or him) and the two of you settle down to talk…really talk.

When suddenly you reach for your phone to tweet what piece of marvelous wisdom she just shared with you to the meager <100 followers you have on Twitter.

The aha moment between you and friend is lost….and now you have to recapture the connection to move on.

GULP.

GUILTY.

So, I thought to myself, I need a new way to do this…I need to flag my quote/passage or jot a note down of the thought I had so I can stay in communion with my BEST FRIEND.

I decided to change up the order of my devotions- read my Bible Passages first and then go to the books (Jesus Calling, Jesus Always, etc…).

I thought spending time in the Word, praying about it first, and meditating through it sounds more important than being inspired by someone else who wrote their thoughts on a Bible passage.

Then, hopefully, I will have time to write a Blog later about whatever may have been revealed to me…

Sounds good,right?

Well…I opened my Bible today to begin my morning reading in the Psalms. I prayed a fast prayer that my eyes would be open to see what the Lord has in store for me…

And immediately I read Psalm 56…

The thoughts come flooding through me…

I figure…maybe I am wrong, I don’t know- I am new to trying to find a writing discipline- MAYBE if I write my thoughts for you on this first passage then I will not be distracted for whatever it is the Lord will reveal to me and for me next…

As you know, especially if you read my Blog from the other day, I am in a valley.

Thankfully, when I wrote that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning, I was given a blessing at 2 am by being released from the heavy grip of fatigue that Crohn’s plagues me with intermittently.

This morning, I feel more like my “normal” (I use the term loosely!) self.

But, I am still in the valley…the shadow may be more behind me than over me, but I am in the valley nonetheless.

In this time of waiting, I remember the dark days and cling to the memory of the brighter days around them.

Where there has been one, there most certainly has been the other…

That being said~ the tears on my cheeks may be dried and wiped off, my eyes may no longer be swollen, and my heart may not feel as weary or worn…I have not forgotten my suffering one iota.

I also do not think that the cycle of whatever that is is gone forever…in fact, I am fairly certain it will return to me again fairly soon as the need for my medication that treats my Crohn’s grows…(I receive infusions very 8 weeks- I am about 3 weeks away from my next treatment).

This is my reality right now…Like I said before, I am hopeful for continued improvement and (my wise friend told me to claim this next thought) I believe I am getting better…

…but I am still in the valley in the meantime.

Here is where Psalm 56 comes into play~

It started in vs 3 where I near said vehemently aloud as I read it- YES!

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in and faith in You.

In God, whose word I praise;

In God I have put my trust;

I SHALL NOT FEAR.

Bam!

See why I had to write before moving on?! I KNOW someone else needs to hear this other than just me!

But wait, it gets better…

Vs 8

You have taken account of my wanderings;

Put my tears in Your bottle.

ARE THEY NOT RECORDED IN YOUR BOOK??

Here is the TRUTH from that reading as given to me by the Amplified Bible:

Nothing that happens to us escapes God’s notice and care;

[Let that sink in, OK? NOTHING escapes His notice…]

Not a tear falls to the ground that He does not remember.

When we suffer, it is a GREAT comfort to know that God is for us.

[Maybe that should be repeated a few times with different inflections: GOD IS FOR US. GOD IS FOR US. GOD IS FOR US. GOD IS FOR US. GOD IS FOR US.]

Everything that we live through will be put to use for our good.

Folks, I needed that reminder. I needed to share that reminder.

Now, leave me alone so I can dive back into the Word! 😀😉

I.Am.Tired.

I don’t mean the sleepy- kind of tired either (but there is that element too).

My bones are tired.

My heart is weary.

My head aches from heaviness.

My soul yearns for fresh…life.

My husband and I were talking today, after my umpteenth nap day in a row, that I am a woman called into ministry who is not able to minister…at least not in the way I felt the Lord had called me to.

The thing is, I am not in a physical position to commit to anything and that makes me feel useless.

I feel stagnant.

I feel washed up.

Perhaps this is only a season I am experiencing…or perhaps it is how things are just going to be now that I am living this new life with Crohn’s disease.

I spoke to my mother today and said to her that I feel hopeful that my condition will improve but I am not promised that it will…at least not in the way I want it to.

In my 1000th tearful talk with my husband, I asked how on earth can I do what I believe I am called to do when I don’t know if I can function enough to get out of bed from day to day?

How can I speak encouragement to others when I am continually speaking through my own tears and exhaustion?

I am scared to commit to doing what I long to do when I am afraid I won’t physically be able to prepare properly….or I may be able to prepare but on the given day to speak out I can hardly lift my arms to dry my hair…

Who wants to hear that woman?

Who wants to watch those tears when people have their own burdens?

I know we are to share our burdens and be transparent- trust me, that is my life motto: to be a woman of absolute integrity no matter who is or is not around.

But, let’s face it, people don’t go to church to watch their pastor fall apart do they?

Well folks, I could well be that pastor…and don’t know what to do about it…so I don’t do anything right now.

I am not completely feeling sorry for myself- don’t let me give off that impression…

I do have support.

I have phenomenal friends.

I have a great job.

My sons are fantastic helpers.

My husband is a saint.

I have a wonderful doctor who is working his hardest to get me back on track.

I do have hope.

However, the process is weighing so heavy on me.

I told my husband that I believe in the One who has called me out of the crowd to serve Him…and I believe in the call..

But the journey is wearing me down.

I sit here tonight with a heavy heart that matches the heaviness of my tear-worn eyelids thinking in the quiet emptiness of my house…

I keep thinking I thought I knew where I am going, what I want…But do I really?

Is what I want to do something I can do?

Certainly isn’t right now.

So what now then?

I can’t possibly be alone in these thoughts. There has to be others out there who are tired and worn…who maybe do want or need someone equally as tired and worn to speak to them.

To speak truth to their hearts because that truth of endurance is being lived out in front of their eyes.

I can handle many things…but tired is seemingly never ceasing…it doesn’t lift..and brings friends called “depression”, “anxiety”, “doubt”, “insecurity”. They like to linger before and after naptime….in the quiet.

I don’t have many answers tonight.

All I can offer is what I keep speaking to myself- keep fighting, keep moving, you are alright, you are enough as you are, you can do this…one day it will end so press on Amy. Press through Beloved.

I heard a song by Bethel music tonight that spoke to my inner being…its lyrics could have been written by overhearing my private conversation with my husband about the process, the season, made to do something.

Shepherd

We were discussing the new Frozen trailer that has been released and it got me thinking: if a sequel to a movie with a title song as powerful as Let It Go is being made  then it has to be different but the same kind of wonderful.

And that made me think how life is a funny thing…

We seem to have a plan and put it into motion when suddenly a curve ball can be tossed our way to change our direction.

The curveball isn’t always a bad thing like the “biggies”- a death, an illness, a job loss, divorce…

Life can seem different while still being somewhat the same. We, the main character, are still in it after all much like Elsa and Anna will be “starring” (do cartoon characters have starring roles??) in Frozen 2.

These changes or curveballs can even be part of your plan…except you had no idea that what you planned would or could change you in such a profound way.

For example~a decision has been made to take a job. That choice puts you in position to meet your current spouse. All you set out to do was begin or continue your career and now you have added a life partner to your resume!

Another~you decide to go to a certain college…that choice provides opportunities and friendships that shift your focus from what you thought you wanted to do or be into who you were made to be.

Let’s say you decide to have a baby…in my case, we decided to have two.

We had zero control over whether they would be a boy or girl…we had no idea what we would be like as parents…we had no idea how loving someone else could possibly change your outlook on absolutely everything..

Let alone knowing that the process of that altering could shift as the second child came into the picture.

How different my life would have been if I would have had a daughter instead of my son’s…Here I thought I was great with girls and it turns out I was made to be a boy mom!

A plan to “only” volunteer can to lead to a call into ministry, put you in a place to meet incredible people and mentor awesome kids, and then, unexpectedly learn to love one of those kids as if he were your own; welcoming him into your family as an official member.

No one sees the part of the plan that can change when we are looking at the blue prints, do we?

No one but God.

Drinking my coffee this morning, I find I am in a place of contentment…all my chicks are under one roof after a month long separation…if that doesn’t warm a mother’s heart I don’t know what else does ❤

In addition to that, there are two sweet souls that have joined the fold for the weekend as well.

My days of traveling for weekend “adult” fun has been changed to chauffeuring for a Robotics Club and watching my truck drive away for a midnight run chasing after Shamrock Shakes while I clean the kitchen only to prepare for the much anticipated and eagerly expected mess yet to come…(and my happy mother’s heart could not be more full at the prospect of cleaning that mess!)

I was saying to my husband last night that I feel like I am barely adjusting to where life is currently  when it changes again to something different…

That is a strange feeling..watching precious moments shift, ebb, and flow through your fingers.

What will come next?

It’s hard to say but considering I never dreamed I would be where I am today, with this level of contentment resting upon me over my current circumstance, I am going to assume life will continue to look different.

It’s a little scary to think of what may be coming…especially when I want to freeze frame this precious time now of my boys entangled on the couch together or watching them run out the door with Dan’s boots on one’s feet, Dan’s bear (Yes, BEAR -like the animal) foot slippers on another’s all toward our truck that was simply (correctly) assumed was Ok to drive without asking…

These are good days.

Days I did not plan for.

Days I did not ask for.

Days and moments I have been given.

I feel thankful and I want to be encouraged for what else is in store in the days to come because of the faithfulness of the Giver.

My prayer is that in the small moments, you too will find contentment that will carry you through the next curveball as well.