Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know…but I pray that you will be able to know that (wide,deep,long, and high) love.

Ephesians 3:16-20

“See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor” – #jesuscalling

(Sarah Young)

Psalm 143 offers an excellent description of what the abovementioned “darkness” means…it is clearly an enemy that seeks to keep a person imprisoned.

This “enemy” or darkness has many faces…in someone I love so dearly and completely as my own, it was the unwelcome guest of suicidal depression.

In my friend, it is metastatic cancer.

In myself, it is anxiety and fear of things I cannot control that is hurting me, hurting those I love, or has the potential to hurt someone I care immensely for.

It looks like grief.

It is chronic illness and physical pain.

It is marital trouble.

It looks like addiction that is robbing the life out of so many people that are not much different than you and me.

Here is what King David says about his enemy:

Vs3

For the enemy has persecuted me, he has crushed my life down to the ground;

He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have been long dead.

Therefore, my spirit is OVERWHELMED and WEAK within me [as if wrapped in darkness]];

My heart grows numb within me.

If you have ever been wrapped in darkness this sounds familiar doesn’t it?

The hope I find in this passage is in David’s demands…

Vs 7 ANSWER ME QUICKLY for my spirit fades.DO NOT HIDE YOUR FACE FROM ME…

Vs 8 LET ME HEAR OF YOUR LOVINGKINDNESS…for I trust You. TEACH ME the way in which I should walk…

Vs 9 RESCUE ME…

Vs 10 TEACH ME to do Your will…LET YOUR GOOD SPIRIT LEAD ME ON LEVEL GROUND.

I don’t know about you, but level ground is what I crave most days! Not the rocky, uneven, Michigan-sized pothole filled roads of trial, pain, and adversity….

Vs 11 SAVE MY LIFE…BRING MY LIFE OUT OF TROUBLE…

Saving the best for last….

Vs 12 SILENCE AND DESTROY MY ENEMIES…DESTROY ALL THOSE WHO AFFLICT MY LIFE.

I am thankful to have my secure footing founded in One who has defeated the grave and has already claimed His victory over the enemy…

In the battle over what threatens to over take me, the light is shining from the promise of that victory.

I cling to that Light.

My son, who would consider himself to be a smarty-pants person who thinks he knows me pretty well, got me a unique gift for Christmas. It was a devotional -that in and of itself is not exactly a unique idea (sorry bud, but everyone knows I like a good devotional!).

However, the type of a devotional is not like one I have ever seen before…It is written by 2 authors: when read one way it is by one woman and when flipped over it is written by the other.

But, it is the CONTEXT of the devotional as a whole that makes me think that maybe he does know me a little and sees me more than I thought he did after all…Smart kid.

It is called Always Enough/Never Too Much by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan.

If that isn’t my pendulum swing from one crisis thought process to another, I don’t know what is!

On any given day I struggle with either feeling like I am never enough of a person, a woman, a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend, a minister to do anything that matters to the OPPOSITE end of the spectrum that I am too much to handle: too needy, too clingy, too high maintenance, too annoying- who wants to be around that kind of person and how is she supposed to make any kind of impact on this world or the people she loves in it?

I am either too much or not enough.

As a woman who wears many hats, I find that I am driven with purpose, I seek for deeper meaning in reasons and relationships, I have goals and dreams that are not easily expressed or understood…

That can be too much.

I love deeply, intently, intensely…I am fiercely loyal…I am invasive to your space because I care about so many facets that make you you…

That can be too much.

On the flip side, though, all that makes me feel as if I am not enough:

Not enough to be well received instead of cast aside as nosy, bossy, annoying…

Not enough to be heard for what I have been through, the story I want to tell, how the Lord’s hand is on and in my life…

Not enough to be able to branch out, step away from the “norm”, to take a risk that is outside of my comfort zone that allow me to obtain my dreams.

See how a book titled Always Enough/Never Enough is quite profound?

My good good friends gave me some advice the other day to write a truth to counteract the doubt/the lie/ the weight that entangled me.

I am too much? NEVER.

I am not enough? I am ALWAYS ENOUGH.

When I make a mistake? “There is no condemnation for you. We all make mistakes, and we’re all going to keep making mistakes”….that’s why we need and have grace.

When I disappoint people? “Jesus’ life goal was far removed from meeting the expectations of the people He really, really loved. The question wasn’t whether He loved them; the question was how He loved them. He didn’t love them by doing what they wanted. He loved them by doing what He was called to do.”

When I am sick or feel sick and wonder what my future role for anything is going to be? “God hasn’t responded with complete healing, but He has shown me that victory is right here- in the midst of the sickness. He’s shown me that when I’m weak, He’s strong, and that means I win. He’s shown me that sickness affords me a beautiful luxury of living out this truth: I am not enough but He is.”

I feel too honest, too vulnerable…discouraged and restless and empty? “If you feel like you have no filter and you’ve felt like you’re too much, I’m here to remind you that you were made in the image of God…your truth is not too much.”

I feel too much, I care too much? “Your empathy may be the only empathy that some ever experience. You’re never too much when you take a chance to clasp hands with someone else and experience their world.”

(Quotes by Jess Connolly and Hayley Morgan)

I know I cannot be alone in my thinking…so if you are someone who also vacillates between identifying as being too much or not enough be encouraged today.

You are not alone in your struggle for validation, acceptance, perfection, a sense of value…

We need to remind each other that our identity is secured as image bearers of Christ…that is what God sees when He looks at our hearts when we believe and accept Jesus as our Savior…He lovingly sees His Son in us…

And that, my friend, means we are perfected, a carrier of grace, and loved in our Father’s eyes.

I love that I am enough for Him.

“The truth is that God is not all that interested in my ability. He is more interested in my availability” (Lessons in Healing: A Powerful Joy).

For when I am weak, He is strong- right? Therefore, my ability to do something is nothing more than a gift to give me a confident boost to do what God has called me to do…

That boost can only be ignited when I become available.

What does that look like?

One could argue the answer is “when the time is right”…

But, is it?

Is there ever a good time to do something?

It certainly seems like something always comes up to keep me from being available…

A job…that takes up time, doesn’t it?

School…pesky assignments need to be done per a designated schedule.

Family needs….those kids are always up to something that require my chauffeuring skills!

How about these (much more challenging to overcome)~

An illness…I don’t feel well so therefore I can’t commit…(ouch- too personal right off the bat).

A death….need I say more?

A physical limitation….(now I am sounding mean, arent I?)

Age….too young versus too old- which is more cumbersome when trying to be useful?

When I am weak then I am strong…

It is in all the above listes that I could be the most useful if only I choose to be available.

It is NOT in my time- because there will never be enough time or the right time…it is in my mindset to be available.

It is in my thought-life where I choose to say to the Lord “USE ME”…no matter what, no matter where, no matter how.

If I wait to have enough energy, to feel “well”, to have enough money, for life to be less complicated and worry- free, I WILL NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE OPEN TO BE USED AS A VESSEL FOR GOD’S SPIRIT.

I need to be available to Him 24/7…

I love this saying that God does not call the equipped; instead, He equips the called.

He strengthens those who are willing to be available to Him…

Isaiah even goes so far to say that God will give strength to the weary…

Aren’t half my excuses listed because I am made weary over something??

In the battlefield of the mind, we need to take captive our thoughts…we need to say (I need to say) “I may not be able to do this in my own strength or ability but with God I can do all things”…And then BELIEVE that He will equip you to do it.

But first, we have to be available to Him to do it…wiping away all those excuses that hold us back, trip us up, entangle us.

One thing I am learning to do this (because what good is it for me to say all this and not give an answer to the question “yes, but how??”) is to REJOICE ALWAYS.

I feel down? Rejoice in the Lord.

I feel weak? Rejoice in the Lord.

I feel sick? I feel sad? I feel that I just can’t anymore….?

REJOICE IN THE LORD.

Philippians 4:4 says it plainly to rejoice in the Lord always.

Can I be down when looking up?

Can I despair when choosing to see my blessings?

Does my situation change? Nope. Not one iota.

But my mind set does.

The Bible says that blessings and cursing cannot come out of the same mouth…which do you choose to speak then?

The “I can’t” or “with God’s help I can”??

Henry David Thoreau wrote: ” I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionableability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor”.

That means we can improve our lives by intentionally choosing to lift our thoughts…by rejoicing perhaps.

My availability to the Lord is now.

It does not matter if I am running late, in my pajamas, tired, have a cold, have a messy house…

I am ready.

This is my challenge…to rejoice always.

I LOVE the story in the book of Daniel about Shadrach,Meshach, and Abednego!

I believe Veggie Tales made a video about them even- so you know it had to be an entertaining story 😉

I vaguely remember my church, in the 1980’s, doing a (or private school?) play about the story too…I think my brother was in it…my mom would have to weigh in on that memory!

If you don’t know the story off-hand, here is a recap:

These 3 guys were friends and were introduced to us in Daniel Chapter 1. The people of God (in the kingdom of Judah) were taken into captivity by the Babylonian king –Nebuchadnezzar.

Upon captivity, the best of the best of the Jewish young men were set apart to be trained for use by the King. They had to be the most handsome, the strongest, the smartest…and then they were educated in Babylon culture, fed extremely well, groomed by the finest for 3 years before put into the service of the King.

Daniel and his 3 friends made quite an impression on the king earning for themselves respectable positions as wise men.

This whole time they never veered from their Jewish culture, traditions, and belief in God as the One and True God– Yahweh.

Here we are now in Chapter 4~

Nebuchadnezzar was an incredible egotist who felt he was worthy of god-like adulation. So, he built a gigantic shrine of himself out of gold declaring that when music played all should bow down in worship toward his image.

Needless to say, this is quite an issue for a God-fearing Jew…The Lord very clearly gave the command that those who believe in Him should not worship any other god before Him.

We now have a conflict.

Troublemakers in the kingdom tattled on those of the Jewish faith living in Babylon-singling out those who had been specifically hired and trained to be in the kings service because they were deemed “special”…saying if we have to worship an image why don’t they???

Can you hear the whining?? Sounds like my children on some days when I ask one to wash the dishes and not the other…

Being an ego-maniac, King Neb cannot handle that disrespect! He calls out Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego to give them a chance to rectify this unfortunate “misunderstanding”.

The punishment of not bowing in worship to his image will be death by fire so I believe King Neb was probably pretty convincing in his proposal: worship me and live OR don’t and die a horrible death…CHOOSE!

Here comes the amazing part of this story~

In Daniel 4:16-18, the three friends say some awesome things:

1. We don’t really owe you an explanation of our reasons because we only answer to a real God

2. Our God,that we really serve, is able to rescue us from even your hand so we are not worried about your threats

3. BUT EVEN IF HE DOES NOT, we still would not worship you or any image you set up.

Holy crap…is that ever CONFIDENCE!

In the face of a king, a man with absolute highest power and authority on earth and with the promise of a horrible death as a consequence to an act of defiance toward said king, they spoke up and stood firm in what they believed in.

Yowza.

The part that gets me, though, is the but even if He does not choose to rescue us from your hand we still will believe in who He is because of who He is over you.

They were acutely aware that God could choose to allow them to die…that there is not always victory in this life or in every circumstance…FAITH DOES NOT SHIELD US FROM BAD THINGS HAPPENING.

To these guys, and the example through them to us, is that their faith and obedience to serve God supersedes the cost.

If they died, it would be a reflection of their obedience to God and faith in Him- no matter what…How many martyrs have there been for our Lord? People who would not renounce their faith with the threat of their imminent death in front of them?

I think of the horrific tales of Christian persecution in Rome as the first church was growing and spreading…the Apostle Paul was a part of that before his encounter with Christ. Christians were arrested, tortured, and killed for their faith.

But their obedience to Christ was worth more than their lives….because living for Him is worth more than anything.

So, here we are, with these 3 guys and a King…

They make this HUGE slap in the face declaration to Nebuchadnezzar and seriously TICK HIM OFF.

He orders the furnace fire to be stoked hotter than it has ever been, has them tied up to each other, and taken to the furnace.

Upon approach, because it is so hot, the men dragging this bundle of faithful men actually die from the heat exposure!!

This causes Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego to loose balance and fall into the furnace.

Talk about bad luck!

The glorious ending to this story is that when King Neb (I am sorry- his name is just too ridulously long to keep typing out!) looks into the furnace he not only sees the 3 men walking around inside the furnace but he also sees a fourth man in there with them.

They were released from the furnace with Nebuchadnezzar acknowledging the saving grace and power of their God.

Here is the take away for me….they still went into the furnace.

Remember how how they said “but even if He doesn’t rescue us…”?

I imagine they must have assumed they were about to die…and they still did not back down from their faith.

They felt the heat.

They saw their captures burn up as they escorted them close to the furnace door.

They stumbled into the furnace itself.

And found freedom inside it.

Powerful stuff there, isn’t it?

I have an illness that there is no cure for…there is plenty of treatment but no cure. The more I learn about it the more uneasy I get that what I hope for in treatment may not happen for a long time…if ever.

Don’t go feeling sorry for me…I am inconvenienced by the disease process and treatment plan, I am uncomfortable at times, I do not like it at all…but I do not believe it will kill me. It is going to keep me humble though- that is for sure!

However, I have a close friend with advanced cancer. There also is no cure for her…just treatment. Her treatment is chemo and it is literally killing things in her body as it fights those cancer cells. If she stops the chemo, the cancer will most likely rear up with a vengeance. If she continues the chemo….well, she lives with the side effects…

God could heal us both in an instant…and He would be glorified in that miracle would He not?

Our friends and family would surely declare His goodness because of it…right?

Trust me….I want that.

I don’t want to deal with my Crohn’s anymore.

You have no idea what I deal with, think about, have to plan for on a regular daily basis.

I really wish I didn’t have to do it.

More than that, I want my friend healed. I want her to celebrate 50 years of marriage to her husband; I want her to walk her daughter down the aisle to her awaiting groom; I want her to bounce her son’s child on her knee…

I want to celebrate turning 50 years old with her.

I want to write a book with her like we used to talk about doing.

I want to help her take care of her aging parents instead of watch them have to take care of her needs due to the chemo.

But even if He doesn’t…

That is where it comes in to play, doesnt it?

Right there in the lists of “I want…”

I can’t speak for my friend or her family’s perspective on this…I can only speak from my end on this journey for my life and my life intersected with hers…

I may not be healed.

None of us are promised that.

So, what next then?

I have no more an idea of what is coming than Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego did… They were led to a furnace and pushed into it after all.

Their suffering and death was right there…in their face with the seering heat of the fire blowing toward them.

That is how our pain, sickness, fear, uncertainties feel…like a threatening, painful fire.

We sense bad things coming, we anticipate them around every bend, we worry for how long, how bad, how much it be or cost…

God can choose to alleviate it…or allow it…

My choice is what will I do when I don’t know what He will do…

Will I turn from my faith? Renounce it even?

Will I demand my way? Insist that I know best and not God?

OR

Will I be obedient to Who it is I believe in and stand firm in my faith?

My faith in Christ is not about me getting my way, having a problem free life, or seeing things work out without entanglements…It is about Jesus Christ loving this world to CHOOSE to die for it so those who believe in Him can LIVE eternally in righted relationship with God.

The faith of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego was not exemplified by their time in the furnace…it was in their courage to stand for what they believed in with the promise of the furnace in front of them…the potential for their suffering layed before them.

The evidence of their faith was what happened in the furnace.

For me, the example of my faith is in how I handle what has been placed in front of me….with all the possibilities spelled out for me to see.

What will my furnace look like? Who knows…but I know this:

Serious cleansing and refining happens by a fire….and I won’t be left alone it it either.

My faith is strengthened as I approach whatever it is that scares me, clinging to the hand of God, His Word, and His promises as I go.

I am trying something different…it is called disciplined writing -my personal term! That means I am trying to commit to writing because it writing is what I want to do whether I feel like doing it or not. Therefore, I am trying to be more disciplined. Get it? Pretty thrilling stuff, I know.

As a person who, at times, has been known to “quit when the going gets tough this discipline is a pretty big deal. I am not suggesting the desire to quit- instead it is quite the opposite!

I want to write more. I want to be heard.
For that to happen- my best bet is to write.

Needless to say, I am already challenged in this new discipline: my ancient laptop is not a fan of WordPress so I am limited to the use of my phone until a new purchase has been made…But rain or shine, big keyboard or thumb use only, I shall prevail!

Over the last year or so, I have been listening to podcasts while I get ready for work alternated with music. I brought a notebook into the bathroom to leave by my sink so I can write quotes or lyrics that I have found inspiring.

This notepad has quite a few things written in it now so I thought it could be a good place to start for topic writing ideas instead of my feelings all the time.

Don’t worry…my feelings, analogies, and perspectives always works their way into my writing but you and I both will be surprised to see what shape that takes as I write!

HERE WE GO!

God Shows His Goodness When We Need Mercy

My devotional asked this morning have we ever been in a situation where we said “what is God thinking??”

It furthers this thought by suggesting that when we must deal with a situation that does not make sense, we should search for spiritual understanding. We should ask God to reveal His purpose to us but if we still cannot understand why this is happening we are to trust God through it.

Yikes.

These last few months ALONE I have questioned what on earth are you doing Lord?
I have certainly sought His purposes and found no understanding- that is for sure!

I am really working to trust what I do not understand…

These last few years have been equally as crazy….
But,
I can see the Lord’s hand through it all from where I sit now, but, because I can’t see the other side from here, it still makes no sense: why now? why this way? why this kind of pain? why this kind of suffering? why so much all at once? why him? why her?

And then the big question: WHAT ON EARTH IS COMING NEXT???




Certainly makes me feel like I am screaming for mercy here…

No more.
I can’t take this…
Please release this fear/pain/illness…

Am I making sense?

I need mercy to heal…to breathe…to find purpose…to receive understanding…to accept…to process…

And there it is…the goodness of God…

I want answers…He gives me blessings.

I want this to stop….He gives me people to encourage me through it.

I want no more….He strengthens me to stand firm in faith.

I want out… He gives me hope to carry on…

Have you ever spent time with God and felt Him lavish His love on you?? Like a cup being filled to overflowing…




The goodness of God is in His creation, His people, His faithfulness, His promises…

It is beauty where ashes have been.
It is peace in the storm.
It is hope in despair.
It is forgiveness where there should be condemnation.

God’s gentle teaching hand as He disciplines me is firm yet loving…He molds me and prunes me to become more like Him…shaving off the parts of me that try to drag me back to the place where I was furthest away from Him.

It hurts…but its purpose is good.

God shows His goodness when we need mercy…thank you Lord for that.

Mark 5:21-43 tells the story of two people being healed. One a young girl and the other a woman who suffered an illness for many years.

As I reflected on the passage, this question was given: who in the stories do you most identify with- the dad, the girl, the woman, or the disciples?

The next step in the reflection is to apply those thoughts and the passage in my own life.

The final step is to pray about it.

The prayer I wrote is what I am really reflecting on now…

Both Jairus, the dad of a dying girl, and the unnamed “woman” -who suffered a chronic illness that left her “unclean” so therefore isolated for many years- did whatever they could to get to Jesus because they believed He could and would help them.

Jairus was ridiculed by his “friends” that he would bring “some man” to heal his already dead daughter….they laughed at him daring to make a request…to take a chance that a miracle could happen.

The woman was in a large crowd…a place she was probably not welcome to be because to touch her would make others unclean…

Yet, there she was…shoulder to shoulder with everyone else to see this Jesus.

She took things one step further…something in her stirred as she was in that crowd. There was something so POWERFUL telling her, prompting her, to push forward and touch the hem of Christ’s coat and that it will be enough to be healed.

So she pushed forward in faith.

Both of these people, and their faith, have me chewing on something rather humbling…

They believed that being in the presence of Christ was enough to heal their needs…

They decided to do whatever it took to be in His presence then….

They risked their reputations, their personal safety, the possibility of failure and rejection was hovering over both of them…But they pushed through anyway.

Was it because they were absolutely, brought to their knees, they had nothing to lose desperate?

Do I have that kind of faith?

Sometimes, I feel like the disciples that were present with Jesus on that same day: they walked and lived with Jesus. They personally knew Him.

But they questioned what was happening the entire time…

Is that what I do?

My prayer was that I did not want to be brought to my knees kind of desperate (the mere thought is terrifying- isn’t it??) But I do want to be desperate to be in the presence of Christ so I do not miss what He is doing…

I don’t want to doubt…or to be afraid…or to limit the works of His hands….

I want to push through with boldness to touch the hem of His coat….

I want to go get Him and bring Him to my place of need- no matter what the reaction of others around me may be.

I want to be desperate for Him.

Psalm 13 is pretty powerful~

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever??

How long will you look the other way?

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?

How long will the enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!

Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die…

Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying “we have defeated him!”

Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in Your unfailing love.I will rejoice because You have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because He has been good to me.

I could end there because it says it all…

However…

Today, I am in a good place…the “boat” I am in isn’t being overcome by waves, storms, or another boats crisis.

It is also 6 in the morning😉…But I am hopeful it will continue!

I have had plenty of “storms” of late that have had my “life boat” feel like it could be capsized at any moment…

For you, and for me, it could look like illness, physical pain, or emotional pain…

How long must I struggle??

It could like deep deep grief…

How long with sorrow in my heart?

It can be loneliness, depression, anxiety, fear, unmet dreams…

How long will You forget me? FOREVER?!

Sometimes the season of trial, discomfort, struggles seem to last a long, long, LONG time…with no end in sight…it feels hopeless.

Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die…

At times it seems those who persecute you, cheated, have wronged you, have hurt you…they seem to succeed. They get the credit, the glory, the fame while you get discredited.

It feels they are martyred and you are condemned.

Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

I can’t possibly be alone in finding the familiarity between David- the author of the Psalm- and myself…right?

I feel like I have spoken these words myself…

The twist to this lament is two things:

1. It means we can actually say what we are feeling to the Lord. If these words are written in the Bible for me to read then it is perfectly acceptable to not only feel what I feel but to also honestly express my feelings to God.

2. No matter how I feel, how bad my situation is, how long my dark season seems to take…I need to TRUST in the unfailing love of the Lord.

Doesn’t sound easy when your heart is breaking or your soul feels crushed or your body is failing does it?

The words of David said just that and he still said BUT I WILL…

The New Testament tells us that only good and perfect things come from God…God is light and darkness cannot exist in the light…

Jesus told us that we have an enemy…Eve met him in the Garden of Eden- her sin to choose become like God– changed how the world would forever function until it was restored by its Creator.

That enemy brought pain, illness,jealousy, greed, pride, and death into our lives.

Jesus said the enemy wants to kill and destroy us…NOT bring us life..

Jesus died to give us life…abundant life…even in the midst of the trials and sufferings He also told us we would have.

We have an honest God that said you will suffer but if you trust Me I will be with you in it and I will end it…but that end will be in My timing.

This past Spring, I was in incredible pain. Every angle I turned my head toward only offered the probability of more anguish…

I was in personal, physical distress from an illness.

My heart was crushed with grief and fear over the issues of suicidal depression and cancer in others.

I questioned where God was in all this so I was suffering spiritually.

I could NOT figure out a solution to my problem or anyone else’s…I was helpless…So mentally I was suffering as well.

As a whole-istic person, my entire being was in turmoil.

My life boat was threatening to capsize under the weight of the waves crashing over me.

As I rode those waves, clinging for my very life to the side rails, I searched for my sleeping Savior in the boat.

He was right there. Calm. Quiet. Patient.

The waves were bad.

The storm hurt.

My boat was failing.

The situation was not good but God still was.

He may have allowed my suffering but a good God does not cause it…only an enemy would do that.

In my suffering, He reveals Himself to me…gives me an understanding of His character…shows me who to trust.

My situation can be bad, but God is still good.

That is how David could end his Psalm this way~

I will sing to the Lord because He has been good to me.

I have to choose to sing.

I have to choose to say God is good even if this feels so bad.

I have to choose to trust the One who rescued me…not the enemy who is trying to destroy me.

It is a challenge for sure.

I did not overcome my pain overnight…nor did my troubles end in April- life keeps hammering away y’all.

But I choose to sing…

Dreams sure are powerful, aren’t they? They can make you smile while sleeping or startle you awake with irrational fear!

We blame them on the food we ate, the TV show we watched last, a recent conversation, certain stressors or worries, subconscious issues…

Let me give an overview of mine last night- the highlight reel if you will:

1. Definately a dream inside a dream (maybe inside yet another)

2. My mom had brought my dog to church and he ran onto the platform at the end of the service causing me to chase him and answer questions like “where is the leash? why is he here?”

The answer being…”I dunno.”

3. Walked up the stairs with the dog running into a pew to where a local teen if mine sat and she could grab him. That was when I was about to walk out when I saw my dad’s dad sitting there so I figures I should say good bye to him.

Ummm..he passed away when I was 14 or 15.

But there he was. Plain as day. Exactly as I remembered him.

I walked up behind him and said “grandpa?” He turned and smiled and hugged me.

I cried like a baby and held tighter.

4. Flash to “home yet not home”….sort of a blend between my childhood home and our camper…Definately more my mom’s house.

5. I wake up early to an alarm but am suddenly startled that my oldest may not have come home since we did not give him a curfew…so I went into his room to see if he was there. It looked like his bed was completely empty so I said his name loudly. That, now, startled him as he incoherently woke up to my rapid fire apologies…

6. I go to take a shower while he gets up to start to straighten the Tupperware cupboard – because that is what one does at 5 in the morning, right?

I can’t tell which is the soap or the shampoo so I send my mom to get my stuff from my “house”…

7. She pulls the shower “slider door” (?) shut as the teen from church walks in because apparently I am taking her with us to Mackinac Island for a band festival that day.

8. I see my oldest straightening the cupboard and am riddled with guilt because my fear/anxiety had woken him up- and once he is up, he is up.

9. My mom returns and tells me it’s ok to take her car to school that day because she doesn’t need it…does she not know I am driving to Mackinac Island with it??

My alarm suddenly goes off and I cannot tell if my husband is in bed still as I do not remember him kissing me good bye…why was my alarm going off? Do I have to go somewhere today? Shoot- am I to pick up that teenager too?? Is my oldest upset with me?? Why am I thinking of my grandfather???

Who am I?

Where am I?

What’s going on?

Know that feeling???

Hard to shake the disorientation and find firm footing with all those emotions triggered inside me suddenly!

Whether it is anxiety or the pizza from last night, finding a solid foundation is essential in the morning…I have a loooong day ahead of me if I do not.

What do I do?

The next thing I know to do and can trust…

I took a shower. I made coffee. I let the dog out. I picked up my devotionals and Bible.

I don’t know what else to do anymore when life feels uncertain…

Calling or texting my oldest sounds like a ridiculous idea at 5 in the morning so I can have some false reassurance from him that we are fine based on my manifestation of an issue..

Calling or texting that local teen,again at 5 am, seems mean to see if I am supposed to pick her up today- since we are not going to Mackinac Island I really don’t think it’s an issue!

Being upset about my dog running loose in church won’t get me anywhere…

Hugging my grandpa….well, maybe that was a gift given to me and I should accept it as such- he used to hug me tight as a kid so it was nice to be hugged by him…

Do what we know to do…don’t react based on how I feel…breathe deep and settle down…

Isaiah 25:4 tells us that God is a shelter for the poor, a refuge for the needy in distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.

I don’t know about you but I am needy.

When I am unsettled, be it by a crazy dream sequence or life in general, I am needy for some refuge, protection from a storm, and shade in the heat.

Sounds pretty good doesn’t it?

How do I get that?

By doing what I know to do and to trust in the consistency of that discipline.

“Isaiah says God is an accomplished of what He plans…You are not responsible to accomplish everything on your own. Your first purpose is to love and glorify God…He then enables you to accomplish everything else that He has planned for you.” (The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers)

Love and glorify God, eh? And then He works the rest out?

He will settle me.

Protect me.

Shade me.

Give me that firm foundation I am seeking.

Sounds pretty good to me.

I feel better already.

I am sitting here this morning with some rare down time…

I could be showering to ready myself for the day…

I should wash the dishes that are waiting for me in the sink…

I could start an exegesis on John 2…

I could even have gone to work for a few hours this morning…

I won’t even suggest that I could be on the treadmill because that is a ridiculous, laughable thought!

My mind is scattered, like pieces of paper blowing in the wind…and my body is tired today.

Plus, these two yah-hoo’s are snuggled up together next to me…making me feel all content with life.

A cozy fire would make this complete but, alas, I am too tired (lazy) to start one so I shall sit here with a blanket instead.

And a cup of coffee too.

How often do we just “sit”?

Not much over here.

When I was younger and my first born was a babe, I worked the 7pm-7am shift in CCU ( I am an RN if I never said that before).

I was so tired all the time.

It could have been because I was a new mom…or it could have been because my sleep schedule was off like all the time…Regardless, I sat around a lot on my days off back then.

I remember planning my days around TV shows…

Goodness.

I don’t even know how to work the TV’s in this house anymore thanks to our Firestick-we-dont-have-normal-cable system!

How different life is now from then!

I felt entitled to rest in those days and I feel guilty to do so now. Crazy.

But life has a way to teach us to slow down, doesn’t it?

I am in a self-designated “hiatus” from certain activities that cause me to commit my time on a regular basis…(Thanks to my Crohn’s, my physical wellness is in flux so I am fearful to be accountable to much outside of work right now).

In this “hiatus” ( sabbatical- if you will), I am trying to figure out what to do next…What do I want from life? What is God training me for or trying to show me/teach me during this not so fun period of time?

So..I should sit more…right?

Guess what I am doing? Working more.

I do like my job so that helps. I feel valuable there…needed…wanted….appreciated.

The extra money helps when I am worried I have to take time off for an actual sick day…

But it makes me tired.

So, today, I chose to not volunteer my morning to the work place and to stay home. My kids had a half day (now a snow day) it’s my mom’s birthday, and we have dentist appointments~it’s not exactly like I have nothing to do…But the pull to do more is definately there.

WHY IS THAT??

Maybe because in the stillness we can feel the beating of our own hearts…sense the desires of our dreams…hear the Lord speaking to us.

A few months ago, my husband traveled to Seattle for his job. It was after the Thanksgiving rush and before the Christmas chaos. We had dealt with our new family dynamics through one holiday and had yet to face them through the next, bigger one.

And I didn’t feel well at all.

I woke up at my usual early time of the morning to sit in the still of the house before the day really began.

I learned a long time ago that it is best for everyone if I wake up first before they start requesting things of me!

It has become my favorite part of the day…the time I choose to give to the Lord every morning. We commune together over the quiet and coffee…I am awake, alert, and ready to see Him in those moments. My thoughts are fresh…I write best then too..

That particular morning was nothing special: I had to work, get the kids to school…normal stuff.

As I sat there in the cool of the morning I began my devotions.

It was then I realized how quiet it was in the house.

I mean it was quiet.

Too quiet for a late November/early December morning in Michigan.

MY FURNACE WAS NOT TURNING ON!

My husband, my problem solver, my jack of all trades, my he can fix anything, extremely capable love of my life is in Seattle.

I texted him of course- forgetting the almost 4 hour time difference between us.

And he calls me immediately.

It was like 3 in the morning there!

Long story made shorter, I was able to find someone to come out for free to fix the smallish issue that had cause our furnace to fail.

The point here is not my furnace.

It is not my husband traveling.

It is what happened in the silence.

I heard something in it.

I could tell something was wrong, needed to be dealt with, needed repair, needed attention…

I could think in the silence. I was not (overly) flustered in it because I heard the wisdom in the quiet- text Dan, find help, stay calm, do not make this into a bigger deal than necessary, do not martyr this, be thankful you noticed this and could make a change, learn something through this.

If I was quiet more often how much more could I hear?

Here I am today…again sitting in the quiet…

Do I worry about the future? Yes. My husband wants to make plans for our 20th Anniversary- ten years ago I was sick from my Crohn’s and we made early plans for our anniversary. 3 weeks before we were to leave, his sister died. I am scared to plan now for worry/fear of the unknown.

Am I worried about my future health? Yes. I was told yesterday by my doctor that my plan for this Seton drain to be in place for 6 months may well be extended to 9-12 months~ there goes my beach time…

Am I worried about living life with Crohn’s and being able to do ministry? Yes. I was so exhausted last night I don’t know what I would have done if I had a class/counseling commitment.

My list goes on and on…like yours does I am sure.

But, if I sit in the silence, I feel content…not rushed…not pressured to be, to do, to go…I feel content. Safe. Loved. Satisfied.

The Lord has provided through all this…just as he did for furnace help while Dan was away.

He will continue to do so as I continue to seek Him every morning, every day.

Psalm 59:16-17

But I will sing of Your strength,

in the morning I will sing of Your love;

for You are my fortress,

my refuge in times of trouble.

There is something to be learned in sitting…I should do it more. Will you join me in the effort?