Author: thischicksinpeace

We have a choice to make: either listen to the message given in the Bible and follow God’s ways or refuse to walk along the Lord’s path.

Hosea 12:6 says to act of the principles of love and justice and always live in confident dependence on your God.

Do I do that daily? Do I not only read the Word but do I really ingest it in a manner that I always act on its principles?

The Bible is pretty clear that obediance to God leads to His blessings and favor…taking the high road has lesser consequences…doing good is fulfilling…living right brings peace…

Yet…I don’t always live that way.

Hosea 13:4-8 goes on to remind the people of Judah (God’s chosen people) what He had done for them generations before during the Great Exodus. He states “you have no God but Me, for their is no other savior. I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land. BUT when you had eaten and were satisfied, then you became proud and forgot Me.”

I have had so many dry and thirsty moments in the wilderness…in those times I can see with absolute clarity how the Lord provided when I leaned on Him in total dependence..

Then, when life leveled off again, I went on my merry way. I can’t say I forgot God…but I can say with honesty that my zeal sometimes wavered…my passion for absolute dependence wained…

Was it because I no longer was de-pendent but rather more independent?

I could lean more on myself, what I knew, what I could control and no longer had to rely on what I did not understand and could not see as heartily?

For me, kind of like the Israelites, God will not let me forget what He has done for me. In fact, it seems He sometimes allows certain circumstances to cross my path again and again to cause me to pause and consider who it is I am leaning on: His strength or my own.

It is interesting that in the crisis or the pain of trial that I find my source of peace all over again as I turn to the only One who can calm a storm.

It is my choice whether I stay dependent on God during the good times as well as through the hard times…

Hosea 14:9 Let those who are wise understand these things. Let those who are discerning listen carefully. The paths of the Lord are true and right, and righteous people live by walking in them.

Lord, help me to live wisely and to walk in the right and true path of dependence on You. Amen.

It is 4:45 pm on a Thursday and I am waiting for Mom’s Shuttle Service to be put into use for the evening.

I am thinking we will be having BLT’s for dinner and then we will end the evening watching The Rock’s TV show The Titans.

My husband is in Dallas, Texas while we sit in our home in Michigan.

I am concerned over one kid having the flu while at college, the almost 16 year old’s new-sprung independence seems to resemble a cantankerous withdrawal, and the ever-present need to entertain the 13 year old while his cool dad travels for work in my boring-old-mom’s-a-girl way.

I live a pretty simple life…one that revolves around meeting my boy’s needs and being available to my husband- my life partner and best friend.

However, just over 10 years ago, Christ intersected my life plan in a profound and loving way because I was living life just for myself…for my happiness. Yes, I loved my husband and my kids, but perhaps it was in a way that more benefitted me. Today, I love them in a way that better benefits them.

I was lost and Jesus found me. I was blind and He helped me to see. I was broken and He put me back together.

He truly is the Potter and I am His clay.

These past 10 years have been a journey of discovery: who I am, who do I want to be, who the Lord created me to be…

Now, looking ahead, I see how I have been trained and groomed to ready me for the next stage of my life…and the time has come to start taking steps towards my future as well as prepare my sons for their own.

I have grown in age, in experience, in love, in family…my priorities have shifted and then readjusted as different needs arise.

In all my years I never would have known a day would come that I would want to be a writer…that I want would want to be a speaker…that I would want to preach the Gospel.

I never dreamed I ever could.

This life is not what I ever envisioned…but it is better than I could have planned.

The twists and turns that unravel before me offer teaching lessons to take into the future and to use for God’s glory- not my own.

Matthew 9:17 speaks to the use of new wineskins versus the continued use of the old ones:

Neither do men pour new wine into old wineskins. If they do, the skins will burst, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.

The example here is about Jesus not coming to patch up an old system…He came to bring something new. What He offers does not fit into the old system of thinking: being ruled by legalism (what to do to be saved). To follow Christ means to live a new life, have a new way to look at people, and to see new ways to serve.

I am apparently wearing new wineskins…fermenting for His use.

My simple life may look strange to others. I was even told once recently that how we live in our home is “abnormal” because we actually enjoy being together so we may not be a good example for another to follow…

I guess my wineskin looks strange as it expands…But we live how the Lord leads us. And, in my home, we really like each other- not just love each other…We appreciate what we have because we came so close to losing it all years ago- FYI: a blessing of having a husband who travels frequently is that we do not take each other for granted because we genuinely miss each other when we are apart (kids included in that)!

This year is a year for forward movement, a time to do new things, and days to be bold in our belief.

I am pretty excited for what’s to come actually…I didn’t see most of the events of the last decade coming and not only survived them but have been transformed because of them so who knows what challenges lie ahead??

What I do know is that I serve a faithful loving God who has plans for good for me…So- bring it on.

I am on a rabbit trail of a thought process…so this may be lengthy!

Welcome to a “normal” 10 minutes in my life lately. Sound exhausting? It should because it is.

I have begun to wonder what on earth is at the root of all this turmoil. There has to be something or someone, right? Living with these massive pendulum swings of reactions is ridiculous and not what I want for myself…nor do I think this is where God wants me to be either emotionally.

Enter in a devotional time for a quiet Saturday…after a few restless nights and crying while driving to work kind of days.

Jesus Always:
It is crucial to remember that what you can see of reality is only a very small piece of the whole.
Next discussed is the story of Elijah (1 Kings 19)…he felt he was the only one left; the only one to feel this way..
Ugh.
Have I been living that way at times where I feel I am the only one who feels this way, who is affected, who has issues?

Jesus Calling:
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey…Whisper my name when you need to redirect your thoughts.

The connection to these 2 examples is

1. How I react to what I am feeling/sensing
2. If I know what is happening then I can control #1.

So…I obsess about what is on the road that I cannot see. I analyze what is happening,what could happen, what should happen so I can gain some control over my reactions and feelings.
But guess what? God clearly says he won’t reveal what is up ahead or going on.
Where is the TRUST in knowing?

Basically, my anxiety climbs because of what I do not know and that is where I am to call on His name for help and trust that He is equipping me right now to what it is He has in store for me.
Well, guess what? That has been what I have been doing the last few days (months) – calling out, seeking answers -and finally the revelation comes.
What is it that rises up and swirls inside me?
What is this ugly insecurity that haunts me?
What is it that makes me get snarky and pouty?

Yuck.
In humility…and embarrassment…I say it: I am jealous.
Blah.
It is acid on my tongue and in my stomach as it rises in angst.

I am a normal person who wants what she wants…I like what I have and I want to keep it…I feel threatened by something or someone who could take it from me.

I remember in high school I had a boyfriend. I was never more insecure with myself as I was in that “committed” relationship. One week we were camping with our families and I became so jealous of him being friends with someone else I was physically ill. If he was close to them then could that take my closeness with him away??

Thankfully, in my almost 20 years of marriage, I truly feel secure. I trust my husband and the commitment we made to each other. I trust the choice we make daily to stay together through thick and thin.


There are others where I feel that same sense of security – my parents, my brother, my 2 sons, a few of my friends.
Then there are those where I just don’t.

Now, in 6th grade I went to a church camp with my mom for a week. She worked in the kitchen while I was a camper. She was where I needed her if I needed her. Which means, being the super cool, independent 12 year old girl I was, I didn’t need her.

Until I saw some kid cozy up to her at the campfire sharing night.
Excuse me?
Get off my mom kid.

I wanted what I had and jealousy reared up because I felt threatened it could be taken.

So, here I am…age 43…and I recognize that familiar inner turmoil feeling like a horrible, dirty, ugly sweater I hid in the back of my closet but now am forced to wear.

What the heck?
Do you know how hard it is to admit this??
But to sit here and have it come to my mind is too horrible a thing to stay silent about.
Keeping it inside only creates shame and encourages it grow…a big, nasty secret to fester like those excruciating Crohn’s abscesses that inhibit my healing and daily functioning.

What now- I ask?

The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers:
Hebrews 12: 7-13~Don’t all parents correct their children? God corrects all of his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him….It is never fun to be corrected…But STAND UP straight and walk a straight path.
“God might just be allowing you time for reconsideration, restoration, or maybe even repentance…So if you feel like you are in a time-out, use your time wisely. Straighten up your thoughts and ways.”

But how do I straighten my thoughts of jealousy?
Go back up to the Jesus Calling devo where it says to whisper His name.

The revelation of jealousy came from that Mother’s Devotional reading. It was like God suddenly said- “you want to know what it is you don’t like inside of you, making you feel all crappy? Well, beloved, here ya go- you are jealous. Now let’s work on it.”

Ouch. That hurt bad to hear the truth.

I was like- “no way. That can’t be it…it is someone else’s issue to blame, not me…”
But the clarity in that moment came with peace. Christ lovingly revealed my ugliness when He knew I was ready to see it for myself…

I have been drawn to Hosea lately…where the prophet was instructed to marry and love a woman he knew was going to break his heart as an example of how the people of Israel broke God’s heart by choosing others before Him.
When things got bad enough, Gomer (the adulterous wife) went back to her husband (because Hosea loved her enough to purchase her freedom and offer her sanctuary with him) never realizing that all the good she had previously enjoyed had come from him in the first place.

I want what I want and have…I am jealous of what threatens to take it or usurp it. Everything I have- it all came from the Lord in the first place..yet… I am not thankful for it but instead feel entitled to keep it…no wonder I feel such turmoil.

That was never God’s intention when He brought certain things into my life…that I would own it, keep it safe forever, control it, enjoy it more than the Giver.

As I sit in my time out, I realize confession and repentence go together. I could keep all my thoughts to myself but would I be changed by them then?
For me, writing it out makes things more memorable…complete…final…holds me accountable.

So here is my confession of jealousy.

40 Days in the Word:
Philippians 2:13~ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.

I desire to please the Lord and am in conflict when I know I am not…thus the prayer for awareness is made and then the discipline of revelation is given.
Thankfully  He does not leave me powerless to change once I have realized the sin inside me…Instead, I am given not only the continued DESIRE to do what is right but am also given the POWER to do what pleases Him most:
To love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

I am humbled in my awareness but there is also a sense of relief  that this can be rectified and cleansed inside of me.
Thank you Jesus for that freedom from bondage!

For THIS reason I kneel before (fall to my knees) before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth (me included) derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how…deep is the love of Christ..Ephesians 3: 14-21.

(My “random” daily reading of course that is perfectly and lovingly timed by the Lord.)

Here is my take away:
I am a sinner but…
I am loved.
I am forgiven.
I am a work of grace in progress. There is hope for change.
There is abdundant life here on earth for me.
I can choose joy and have it to overflowing.
Amen.

I’ve shared this verse before but heading into 2019 makes it seem appropriate to discuss it again.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a NEW thing! Now, it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Without doing a thorough exegesis on this passage, I am going to suggest that this is the Lord speaking through Isaiah to the people of Israel about Jesus.

The people had turned away from the Lord and God is calling them back to Him. In order to deal with their disobedience, He is going to allow them to be taken into exile…away from their homes and their Temple.

All this, however, paves the way for the NEW thing that will make the dry ground fertile and the impassable suddenly travelable (where they could not go they would now be able to get to).

They had been released from exile WAAAAY back when by Moses and God had instructed them to always remember those days and what was done for them by Him.

They rememebered in word and song…but no longer in their hearts and actions.

This NEW THING He was going to do was going to surpass all that had been done and since forgotten….they would be changed as much as a landscape around them by what He was planning to do through Christ.

With a new year on me, I can’t help but think of how this verse can be applied to my life today..and perhaps yours as well.

Forget the former things and do not dwell on the past:

My BIG past I feel I released to the Lord and do not dwell as much on it as I used to- although it still is a massive part in who I have become today. But, we are also on the 10th Anniversary year of all that began our new lives…that causes serious reflection…

However, how about not dwelling on the more recent past? The last few years maybe? Or even just the last year?

I have already stated that my 2018 was a year of years…dwelling on it seems almost necessary.

But, is it productive to do so? Helpful?

What was happening in our lives in 2017 was radically changed in 2018…so what does that mean for 2019?

Anyone else feel that way?

That what happened last year dictates the direction that this year will take you?

A death in the family changes the direction of your life, doesn’t it?

A job loss or changes certainly changes the direction you thought you were going..

An illness impacts your direction- can you work, how much? is there surgery?chemo? Is your life on the line?

A divorce is a significant life change that alters the direction of both spouses, their children, and those around them who were a part of the union.

An addition to the family not only changes the dynamics in the home but also alters the direction those in the home were going becauae of their presence, abscence, past issues, and future concerns.

So…forget and don’t dwell.

Why?

Because I am doing a new thing…

I love the next verse because it says this new thing is going to SPRING UP.

Isn’t that a hopeful sounding statement??

It won’t ease in…it is going to SPRING UP!

You will notice it- without a doubt…can you not perceive it?

Have hope, my burdened friend- something that will bring life into your weary bones is coming!

What is it?

I don’t know…I have no idea what it could be in my own life either!

But that is what hope is all about, isn’t it? Believing in what you can’t see is faith…and we don’t hope for what we already have…

We need to have faith to believe in hope!

This new thing will bring nourishment (streams- fresh water- into a wasteland) and will carve a new path for you to follow (making a way in the dry, lonely, desolate,dangerous desert).

I can’t possibly travel a new path if I am focusing- dwelling– on the old one, can I?

If all I am doing is remembering the way things used to be I am not going to be open to seeing the new thing that is better…

The Lord always brings something better when we trust Him…He brings us comfort in our sorrow, counsel in our confusion, peace in our suffering, hope for our tomorrow…

What will 2019 be like?

Well…2018 certainly was not like 2017 so I can imagine that this year will continue to change into a new thing as well..

That brings me hope.

I am participating in a Bible Study by Rick Warren called 40 Days in the Word. The first verse to focus on for this week’s “homework” is Philippians 1:6~ Being confident of this,that He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. The suggestion given in the homework is to read this passage aloud several times while placing emphasis on different words. Doing so changes the personal meaning of the text and allows it resonate within you. * Be confident of this… *Being confident of this, that He… *Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you… *Being confident if this, that He who began a good work… You get the point I am sure… I have Crohn’s disease and am dealing with the process of heading towards a remission…that means I am “sick” I guess. Whatever. I can work. I can eat. I can shop,get pedicures..function mostly. I just get to deal with other stuff in the process that keeps me functioning- like pills, seton drains, Remicade infusions, rest… It has been a rough, fairly traumatic few months where I have had far too many people looking at parts of my body that are better left covered up! I have had far too many conversations about bodily functions than I care to admit… Did I mention that I work with all my doctors that have been examining me and taking care of me? Definately some plusses and minuses with that- let me tell you! After a painful, my stomach hurts too much to stand but I have to take my kids to school anyhow kind of morning yesterday I went to spend the day with my friend…who has cancer. We are a pair- her and I. We can honestly discuss our ailments like two old biddies while somehow supporting each other through the ridiculous, nonsensical, unfair hand we have been dealt. After a day like that, I was thankful yet drained…and then I read today’s study assignment while I was sitting in my infusion chair. I find that I can appreciate the verse of the day…. I like to place the emphasis this way: Being confident of this, that He who began a GOOD work in you WILL carry it to completion in Christ Jesus. I want to BE confident that what was started in me will be completed… My story is not completed. My journey is not over. I will continue to fight, I will press on, I will endure because I know a good work has been started in me and it will be completed. I realize, with confidence, that THE ONE who started the good work in me is what I am thankful for…more than anything I am thankful for a Savior. He truly is my deliverer, emancipator, hero, champion, protector, defender, guardian, and liberator. How can I NOT be confident that He will complete what He started? My written prayer to myself in another study book I completed while infusing (it takes 2 1/2 hours an infusion so I have lots of time to be productive!) is an appropriate ending for today. The study is called Faithful Abundant True: Three Lives Going Deeper Still by Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer5, and Beth Moore. Dear Lord, I can’t do this. I can’t fight on my own. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the no-how. Thank you for delivering from the challenge. Thank you for setting me free from having to do it all. Thank you for protecting me, defending me, fighting for me. You aren’t just a hero….You are the TRUE champion. I don’t have to fear that maybe you might lose because I can rest in knowing you have already won. You guard me as You guide me. You are everything a knight in shining armor should be. Forgive me for wanting something different…something less than what you are. I don’t want to settle for less anymore. Amen. That’s the real me folks…

I don’t know about you, but I had a YEAR in 2018. I think I felt every single one of those 365 days! Some days may be even twice!

So far, 2019 is still feeling the aftershocks of those days past…not necessarily in a horrible “we’re having another earthquake” kind of way but more in a “yup, it’s not QUITE over yet” way.

Know what I mean?

My holidays were rather wonderful…not perfect but certainly enjoyable. I accepted things as they were and was able to settle in to enjoy what I have while I have it. That helps to maneuver in the dust of the aftershocks…

My devotional today makes me think of the concept of time….so here I am.

I often write in my devotional books what may be happening on that day so when I read it again a year or four later I can see the progress or change in the circumstance. I do the same in my Bible- my momma taught me that😊.

By Isaiah 40:29-31 I wrote in March of 2016 that:

#1 I no called, no showed to work due to my own scheduling error (BIG oops!)

+

#2 My husband was traveling for work so was out of town

+

#3 My mother in law was deeply grieving the death of her husband and the weight of helping her fell onto me and my own grieving shoulders

=

Empty Amy

In April 2017, I wrote about my own job insecurities and potential change due to downsizing. Scary.

In May 2018, I wrote about desiring a recovery for my Crohn’s and for healing for my friend with stage 4 cancer. Worried.

What the heck could I possibly write in 2019???

Hence, my devotional…

“Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation.” (Jesus Calling)

Oooohhh boiiiyy, have some of my circumstances ever been extreme…But the truth is, especially in retrospect, I CAN see the Power and Glory of God all around and in it all..

That makes me curious for 2019…one may say hopefully expectant of what is to come.

I still am battling Crohn’s ( I see my surgeon Thursday and have my Remicade infusion Tuesday).

My friend still is fighting her cancer (I take her for her CT tomorrow actually).

My husband still is traveling for his job (he leaves Sunday for Dallas).

My job is secure but I still don’t know what to do as I continue to pursue more/different ministry opportunities.

My mother in law is still and will always grieve the loss of the love of her life.

My family has grown +1.

I have been introduced to the world of severe depression and suicide awareness…and will never be closed off to it again.

We are approaching the 10 year anniversary of our sister’s death which was the catalyst for the Holy Spirit to radically move in me…

Time is a trainer alright.

When I think of training, I think of practicing repeatedly the same thing over and over, strengthening, disciplining oneself, not quitting, pressing on…believing I can do this.

All with a goal in sight.

What’s my goal? For the Lord to use me in the manner of which He sees fit and for me to trust in HIS plan and HIS timing.

He is my trainer.

#thischicksinpeace

As a mother of teenage boys, I can appreciate the word picture presented in Isaiah 40:11.

He tends his flock like a shepherd:

First, picture Christ as our shepherd who lovingly, tenderly, intentionally, unceasingly cares for His flock…never losing sight of even one.

He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to his heart.

When my boys were younger, there was a weariness to my days that a nap could not aid.

As they grow, their need for me is slightly less and my role has certainly changed in how I care for them so some weariness has abated.

However, the concerns that plague them as they grow have increased in intensity…that burden of concern I can carry becomes extremely heavy and unrelenting at times.

This where I like and find comfort in God’s Word where He tells me the mom’s are not forgotten as He is guarding His lambs-

He gently leads those that have young.

That would be me He is leading…

How do I teach my son this?

He gently leads me in ways of wisdom.

How do help him over here with this?

He is gently leading me on the path I am to follow for them to follow me.

How on earth do we do this as parents??

He is gently leading me in His example of how to love others.

Who wants to be pushed and pulled to go in a certain direction? The abrasiveness of being yanked and tugged makes me want to dig my heels in and go nowhere…

But to be gently led somewhere….that sounds much more appealing.

It sounds more calm when life seems hectic and chaotic.

It seems more purposeful than random when activity choices are calling my name at every turn.

If I am being gently led then the odds are more in my favor to also gently lead…which is my #1 role as a parent of young men as they need to know which way to go as well.

(I found this as a draft- I wrote it sometime in August)

Do you ever sit back and think of the “old days”…or the “Glory Days” as Bruce Springsteen’s song boasted about…thinking how they surely were good times? I hesitate to say better days than now but the memory of them makes life seem somewhat easier before than what is present.

I had a moment today when I saw a note that said to ask so-and-so to use such-and-such…My thought process said “surely that was not just last year”…

Oh what can change in one year.

Let alone what can happen to spin you off into a different direction over the course of a few years.

It does make one pause and think “if I had not done that then perhaps this would not be happening”…

Now, I am not speaking about regrets…I am just thinking of the twists and turns of life that weave us through our journey to the finish line. I am not sitting here wishing I made different choices along the way: I am more reflecting over the fact that I had to make specific choices in general.

To be specific, in 2014 my husband had an unexpected job loss that supplanted him from a stable career of nearly 20 years. That situation led him to accept a job at Dart Container where he now travels for 2- 6 days at a time almost once a month or more.

He loves the job and we both consider it a gift from the Lord…however, that choice has me dropping him off at the airport fairly regularly.

I am currently experiencing what one in the Crohn’s world calls a “flare up”… I cannot tell you how many people have asked me if it is because of stress: as if the situation I have been affected by caused this flare. That would also mean that if the stress is alleviated then my health situation will improve-correct?

No to both.

If I am honest, I should be thinking myself lucky that I am only now dealing with my Crohn’s because if it was stress that caused its ugly head to surface it should have happened years ago! We have been hit with a stress-hammer one swing after another since that job loss of 2014.

Trust me…I am not thinking myself lucky. Definitely not there yet.

That brings me back to reflecting on a time that seemed better…or easier….but also led me to make the choices that brought me exactly right here.

And that brings me back to the note written a year ago as a reminder to ask so-and- so to do such-and-such…Trust me- I can no longer imagine putting forth any request to so-and-so at this point of time..

A year ago, what was happening was covered by darkness…today, light shines on the scene. No wonder life seemed better back then because what light exposes is not always pretty. In the light we clean up what was spilled in the dark…leaving stains even… and the clean-up takes time, effort, and an exorbitant amount of patience.

Which, I of course, do not seem to have much of lately.

Today, choices made have led me here: my husband is traveling with his job for the week; I have a renewed friendship with a woman I consider to be my kindred -spirit friend and who also happens to have Stage 4 cancer; I am sitting at home while my friends are at a beach concert because I am on call for my job until Monday morning; my intestines suddenly have a mind of their own and are reeking holy havoc on my system; and I now have a son who tugs and pulls at my heart strings 24/7.

A year ago…not so much.

Strange, isn’t it?

How about you?

I know some may still have had their spouse, child, parent, or sibling alive with them at this time last year.

I know some had no idea they had a disease growing inside them that would forever alter their future…or shorten their days.

I know some had their addiction seemingly under control.

I know some had their marriage still together.

I know some had no idea what a razor to their skin felt like when cutting from depression that induced supposed numbness.

It’s a funny, not laugh out loud but more a shake your head in irony, kind of feeling isn’t it?

365 days is all it has been….and here we are.

I tell my doctor that I have no idea whose body this is…it can’t possibly be mine, can it?

I see a note and think that can’t possibly be what we were doing last year and this is what we are doing now..

I shake my head in wonder.

What choices did I make to get me here? Were they good ones or am I being punished for some bad ones? Is stress causing my flare up? Did I do this?

Somedays it seems easier when life was lived in the dark, when I didn’t care so much, when I didn’t know so much, when I looked after just me.

But Christ came in and turned on the lights…and will not turn them off no matter how much I squeeze my eyes shut or throw the blankets back up over my head.

My eyes, whether open or shut, can still see the Light…and I must confess to a lot of eye closing recently: open eyes hurt in the bright light.

IN THE LIGHT means I care.

It means I hurt….willingly hurt.

It means I keep reaching out…even if I am shot down or shut out time and time again.

It means adjusting to a new job because I want my spouse to succeed.

It means loving someone before myself.

It means accepting my illness and the current state I am in.

It means to keep going places and staying involved even if I want to stop.

It means to keep trusting the Lord even if I am seriously questioning His plan…or His ways to go about accomplishing His plan.

Ecclesiastes 7:10 says to not long for the “good old days”…stating that it is not wise to do so.

I think that is because it keeps us from seeing the past accurately and it also limits our view of what is good right now.

A few years ago, I chose to accept my husband’s traveling job and therefore found peace within his absence…yes, I am still sad when I drop him off at the airport but not angry or stirred up like an angry hornets nest within anymore. If I think of when he was home like he was before then I miss out on his contentment, his job satisfaction, and the other perks these opportunities offer him and our family.

I am working on accepting my Crohn’s being active. That one is hard as it is continually changing still. But, I find I am looking forward to my infusion this week with a hopeful expectation that it will make a change quickly in how I am currently feeling. There is a definite peace in having hope for healing.

I am incredibly grateful for the renewed relationship with my friend. It hurts to be so distant because of the distance the past created but I am thankful to be here for her regardless; in whatever manner she needs. It hurts to think of losing her with a pain I find difficult to express but I would not trade one moment of wishing I could do more for her even if it meant stepping back would alleviate that possible future deep ache.

I stand by our choice to accept another into our home. To say I am grateful for the changes and awareness that he has brought us is too small a statement as we have been changed.

The choices I made, whether right or wrong, were made not knowing this is where they would lead…therefore longing for a time that did not contain the knowledge of today is foolish.

That was then…and this is now.

It’s still surreal though, isn’t it?

Man, when “they” say life is a process “they” aren’t joking.

The story of Jesus is filled with so many facets to wonder about and reflect upon. One particular detail that I find interesting is in the story of the Magi.

One of my favorite Christmas carols has always been We Three Kings…I normally thoroughly enjoy most variations to the tune especially one by Tenth Avenue North featuring Brit Nicole!

SUPER GOOD!

But, I digress…

Matthew 2 introduces us to these 3 kings by saying they had been studying the scrolls from the prophets of “old” –

*important side note to remember: there has been~ 400 years of silence from the last prophet of God in the OT until this point*

-and these wise men saw that certain details prophesied all those years ago were coming true.

They told their king (Herod) and he “encouraged” them to go check this story out and come back to tell him if the Messiah- Savior of the Jews- had really arrived.

Fast forward past these three wise men following a star, finding baby Jesus, and giving Him the gifts…all great stuff with a story for each aspect…

However…I am focusing on the dream they had by God that told them to not return the way they came and to not report back to Herod.

Matthew 2:12 they returned to their country by a different route.

My Bible’s study note offers this thought – which is what has me processing things this morning while covered up in a blanket, sipping my cooled to cold coffee on the couch with my dog at my feet-

Finding Jesus may mean that your life must take a different direction, one that is responsive and obedient to God’s Word. In what ways has Jesus affected the direction of your life?

Interesting thought, isn’t it?

The Magi met Jesus and ultimately, after seeing this child as Christ, they went a different way…they even defied a king!

Upon meeting Christ, my life has most certainly gone into a different direction as well.

The biggies are obvious: I go to church, I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t swear, I read my Bible, I talk about reading my Bible, I teach classes about the Bible, I hang around teenagers so they can know how to apply the Bible to their own lives…

The smaller stuff is less obvious but carries WAY MORE weight and meaning…

I am continually learning to trust the Lord with all things.

I choose to praise Him even when my heart is breaking.

I try to reflect the Lord in my trials and give Him glory in spite of them.

I am learning the discipline of seeking Him in all areas of my life.

I try hard to listen for His voice, counsel, guidance…and then obey what I hear even if it doesn’t make sense.

I am a work in progress for sure.

In 2010, I enrolled into a GriefShare class after the death of my sister in law. I was in utter despair and sinking into a pit of confusion and darkness.

The teacher of that class just recently told me that she remembers me saying in Week 1 or 2 that I wasn’t looking for anything from God so I didn’t want her to pressure me about Him or about going to church…frankly, I wanted help but not the Helper.

By the end of that 13 week class, I think I can say that my mind changed to wanting the Helper even if I did not get any help.

The teacher said she had sat back and chuckled over my defiance and let God do His work in me.

About a year later, this wonderful woman was moving away and put the prayer request out that a “new leader” was needed.

I felt a stirring in my spirit to speak up and volunteer.

At that time, I was eager in my young faith but my home life was kind of a mess as my husband had no desire to join me in my new relationship with Jesus.

As I drove to her house to volunteer myself as the new leader of the GriefShare class, I knew the timing wasn’t right and I knew she was going to tell me “no thank you”…Yet, I also knew that I needed to be obedient to that stirring in my spirit and go speak up anyhow.

I walked up to her door knowing full well I was about to be humbled by rejection…and I knocked anyway.

Be nice to hear a happy ending here, wouldn’t it???

That is not how God has worked things through with me though…He wants my trust and obedience before my qualifications and happy endings.

She said exactly what I thought she would say…” the timing isn’t right”, “take this time to keep growing”, “trust your marriage to the Lord first”…

Ugh. That was fun.

But I knew I did what the Lord would have had me do.

Six- eight months later, I am sitting at the GriefShare table assisting the new facilitator who became one of my most trusted, dearest, mother-type mentor friends to date…

Six months after that….I am leading GriefShare…my husband is a Christian and actively involved in the church while being supportive of this new challenging role for me in grief ministry.

How’s that for timing?

Talk about moving in a new direction after meeting Christ!

8 YEARS later, I am at a new crossroads.

Talking to the 1st GriefShare teacher, we both reminisced how the Lord brought this all about…we never saw it coming- she and I….that I, this rebellious angry griever turned Jesus enthusiast would become a minister for Christ towards those who need His encouragement and comfort.

I have been equipped, blessed, and strengthened in knowledge over these 8 years in this GriefShare ministry…I have grown, been challenged, and changed..

The course of my life has taken me deeper into the Word, onto the mission field, into discipling arenas, and called me into official ministry as a Proclaimer of the Good News…

I have been pressed but never crushed…struck down (down hard physically due to illness and emotionally due to others hurts and in my pride as well as I have had tobkearn to ask for help from others) but not destroyed…My trust has been challenged and tested more than once…

And here I am…in a life hiatus because this challenge on my health has finally brought me to my knees in submission.

I have stepped away from the organized class of GriefShare…youth leadership commitments….ministry school studies…

My body needs to heal, to rest…my heart has been battered and needs to be bound up….my soul requires restoring…I want to be protected under the shelter of my Saviors wings…nestled high on the Rock..

The emotional, spiritual, mental battle of a physical illness is as damaging to the spirit as a disease to a body…throw in some additional life challenges and you have someone who is really tired…that would be me.

Who will I be when I come to the other side?

What will I do?

What direction will I be going in then?

Only the Lord knew what would come from my entering that GriefShare class out of a draw to seek peace from a source I did not want to trust…

Only the Lord knew what confidence would be instilled into me when I chose to be obedient even when knowing rejection was coming when I stepped up to lead a class I was not ready to teach…

And only the Lord knows what He wants to do with me in this next portion of my life as I seek Him in this time of rest and healing…

I believe He is still training me and preparing me even now…

It is His direction I will choose to follow….because that is the path to peace, to light, to LIFE.

What direction are YOU heading now that you have met Jesus Christ?

I felt the need to share this today…Definately for myself but perhaps it will resonate with someone else as well.

My Jesus Calling devotional points out the benefits of spending time in the presence of God. Being a “list” person, I figured I would list them for better recognition.

Benefits of Spending Time with God:

1. Emotional and physical healing

(I could end the list here frankly)

2. Experience a nearness to God

(Ever sat next to a King before??)

3. Faith is strengthened

4. Filled with Peace

(Why do I ever leave to sit elsewhere?)

5. Opened to receive many blessings

6. Cleansed by the Holy Spirit

7. Readied to be used by the Holy Spirit to accomplish more than you ever thought or imagined

I have been thinking alot about the verse to “be still and know that I am God”…other than these few short minutes in the morning, am I really being still enough often enough to not only know Him but to also hear Him?

This season crowds out the stillness,doesn’t it? And certainly is not quiet…

The season inside me is as distracting as the season around me as well…I have enough noise in my head vyying for my attention to fill up TWO parades!

I need to pay better attention to this list…and with the Lord’s help, work on my stillness.