Author: thischicksinpeace

I feel I may have shared this before but I like the verse so I am going to share it again!

My writing is purely my thoughts…sometimes it is based on a feeling or circumstance I am battling or celebrating, but most of the time I read something and a thought process gets triggered.

It is not always personal or directed in a certain direction but it does come from within me so it is natural for my thoughts to resonate within others too- that is why I choose to share them.

That being said:

Hebrews 6:19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain (vs 20- where Jesus has entered on our behalf).

The NIV study note writes that “our hope is secure and immovable, anchored in God, just as a ship anchor holds firmly to the seabed.”

2 things: #1~I randomly crossed over this page while on my way to 1 John so my thoughts are purely based on a pause to read what was highlighted as I moved on (I didn’t move on actually because I chose to write here instead!).

#2- I am no boatsman. I am not nautically inclined. I am not seaworthy. I have never sailed a ship but I have ridden in a few boats.

Keep that in mind.

When I envision an anchor being thrown over the side of a boat I see a few things.

First, calm water and the desire to swim in a designated area with the boat not floating away. It makes sense to use the anchor…even in the stillness of placid water.

Second, however, I see more turbulent water and the anchor being used to -again- stay put to accomplish a goal of some sort. Perhaps to wait for divers to surface, a search and rescue maybe, or to tag a shark…

The Bible records instances where an anchor was used to assist with riding out a storm so the boat would not be thrown too far off course.

Pirates of the Caribbean used the anchor to make tight turns so the Black Pearl would be victorious in battle.

In any of those situations, I envision a boat being held to something secure even as the water churned around them.

An anchor did not change the waves…I would think, sometimes, the waves may bang even harder into a boat that is being held stationary while the current and movement of the water was forceful against the boat.

What is holding the anchor, the boat, secure under the surface does not change what is happening on the surface…it sustains it no matter the conditions. It holds the boat steadier than if it was freely adrift. It keeps the boat from getting off course when the storms blow in.

That is our faith.

Sustains us, holds us steady, keeps us from getting off the plan that Gid has marked out for us.

My anchor is down…feels like it is dragging against the sea bottom some days..but, I have not moved. The waves are tossing me around a bit- some days worse than others- but I am sustained and secure.

I am clinging to my anchor.

I don’t know how many people are living complicated lives…maybe it is just me- but, for some reason I do not think I stand alone on an island of complexities.

This broken world we live in offers a myriad of hurdles that intersect, overlap, t-bone into, and infiltrate our lives to their very core.

I am frequently reminded, even at high school football games, how entangled lives can be with each other- whether you asked for it or not; whether you want it that way or not.

So, my Jesus Always really spoke to me this morning…I think it is because I often feel I am either at fault on a regular basis for these issues or that I am responsible to at least HELP fix them (be a part of the solution and not the problem mentality)

The encouragement comes here:

“I can smooth out all the tangled-up places, including those in your mind and heart. So come to me just as you are, with all your knotty problems and loose ends (that alone speaks volumes- LOOSE ENDS?? Yes, there are a few).

Many of your difficulties are complicated by other people’s perplexities. It can be hard to sort out how much of the mess is yours and how much is theirs.

Be willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes and sin without feeling responsible for the sinful failures of others.

I am here to help you untangle your complex problems and find the best way to go forward.”

The question is HOW do I do this??

“Beware of getting stuck in introspection or obsessing about how to fix things”.

(Sarah Young)

Over and over lately the Lord is showing me to turn my focus back to Him: to quit staring at the problem or difficulty; to quit worrying about how this could ever possibly get any better; to stop wondering what did I do wrong.

Yes, there are things in my heart that need to get cleaned up, but to obsess over them is a dangerous road that leads to destructive thoughts…

I need to remember who it is I am forgiven by and not those who are angry with me; who it is that loves me and not those who don’t; whose standards it is of which I live and not this world that I may live in because I do not belong to it; who it is I long to please because He is the King of Kings; who it is that died for me when I did not deserve saving because He loved me before I knew Him.

Keep my eyes focused on Christ..and trust Him to untangle my knots.

(Sarah Young)

Psalm 71:14-18

I will always have hope and will praise you more and more. I will tell how you do what is right. I will tell about your salvation all day long, even though it is more than I can tell. I will come and tell about your powerful works, Lord God. I will remind people that only you what is right.

God you have taught me since I was young. To this day I tell about the miracles you do. Even though I am old and gray, do not leave me, God. I will tell the children about your power. I will tell those who live after me about your might.

There is always a reason to hope.

The question is asked in my devotional- do you always have hope?

Always??? Honestly..the answer is no- I seem to run on “E” more than my truck does some weeks!

Here is where they got me- Hoping for something different is USELESS when your hope depends on circumstances that might or might not change.

Whoa.

I just had a “conversation” with my husband last night that pretty much looked like me saying with hopeful expectation that if we do this then MAYBE we will get that result…

Is my HOPE founded in the result???

The writer of this Psalm had learned something different: he anchored his hope on God, whose track record for doing the RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME is completely reliable.

Hmmm.

I feel I am trusting in the Lord…but I do focus on the hopeful, optimistic, glass is full, life is happy, fairy tale ending outcome alot…

And I find myself exhausted and drained..not so hopeful after all.

Have you lost your hope somewhere?

What does being anchored in the Lord look like to you?

Heck, what does it look like to me??

Telling others what the Lord has done is what this psalmist says…maybe I need to be focusing on that instead of the hoped for outcome.

( The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 296)

Sometimes I feel like Jacob from the OT- the one whom God changed his name to Israel..

He wandered from a known place- the comforts of what was familiar and safe at home– to unknown places -waiting and working for years without receiving the bounty for which he worked.

Yet God said- I am with you and will watch over you where ever you go.

And to this part I will cling- I will not leave you until I have done what I promised you.

Genesis 28:15

A favorite scripture is Isaiah 61:2 where it is written that the pain of Israel (God’s chosen people) will one day be removed…this was a prophesy of Jesus as well and includes ALL of God’s people- the Jew and the Gentile alike…which means you and me.

When the pain of their -or our- suffering is removed they will be given a gift of beauty for ashes.

My Joyce Meyer devotional, Closer to God Each Day, writes “allow the Holy Spirit to blow away the ashes and replace those ashes with beauty”.

The word picture that gave me is not what I previously saw when meditating on this passage before.

My pain, my sorrow, my struggle are like me being in a fire to refine me.

What is left, what is burnt off, are the ashes- follow me?

The ashes of my pain need to blow away for the beauty beneath to be revealed.

If your house is as dusty as mine then you can visualize this… See a piece of furniture forgotten and covered under a thick layer of dust. When you take out the Pledge and dust cloth and put in a little elbow grease, the dust is gone and the furniture looks brand new.

I have to let the ashes of my pain to be refined before they blow away…meaning I have to feel the suffering first.

Then, here is the interesting part, I have to let the Holy Spirit remove the ashes for the exchange.

Sounds easy, right?

I think, though, that I sit in the ashes longer than necessary and refuse to be cleaned.

Why?

I don’t really know for sure but maybe because I want some kind of earthly justifice or justification for what has hurt me before I let the beauty show…I would rather sit dirty and wait to be proven right then just be cleaned to look brand new.

How’s that for convicting?

Joyce finishes with this thought: ” God has the same good plan for you that He had the moment you arrived on this planet…This is a new day…Your future has no room in it for your past…It is time to go forward!”

It is time for beauty instead of ashes.

Isaiah 43 says these great words~Forget what happened before and do not think about the past. Look at the new thing I am going to do! It is already happening! Don’t you see it?? I will make a road in the desert and rivers in dry land!

If my weakness is that I am a people pleaser then my natural tendency will be to try to manage what makes me feel weak on my own..I will try to be strong where I feel weak SO I don’t feel weak.

Goodness..does that thought even make sense??

I am trying to work something through so please hang with me…

His grace is sufficient IN MY WEAKNESS- that’s what the Word says. It is where I feel weak that I need to lean into God FOR His strength to shine.

When I keep trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, when to do it- I am not exactly leaning into God’s strength- that is me micro-managing (searching for my own strength where I feel weak).

And I wonder why I am in turmoil.

So…what is LEANING INTO GOD’S STRENGTH?

What does His sufficient grace look like in my weakness?

It must be the opposite of what I am doing, right? Because what I’m doing is NOT working.

If I am trying to figure out what to do all the time and when to correct whatever is supposedly wrong then maybe I need to stop doing that.

If that causes my anxiety to rise..that’s where I cast my cares and be anxious about nothing.

-Let the Word empower me,huh?-

When I am spinning on a hamster wheel wanting someone to explain to me why they don’t like me anymore- just so I can correct whatever it is I have supposedly done so they do like me??- I need to check my heart…I need to pray for any thing unclean IN ME to be removed…and leave that supposed wrong to the Lord until that person seeks me out in search of either furthered conflict or reconciliation.

Not every time did I DO SOMETHING wrong…it can be perception of my choices that someone feels is wrong…It does not mean I AM BAD or WRONG..

And do I really need people who don’t agree with me to agree with me all the time?

Do I really need people who don’t want to ask me questions, don’t want to see my perspective, don’t want to trust my heart’s choices, and who do want to be angry at me or blame me to suddenly stand up and say “oh, gee Amy…I now understand and support you”??

Is that what I need?

That sounds crazy.

No wonder my husband- precious man- looks at me like I am nuts when I keep trying to maneuver around so people will like me.

If someone feels I have wronged them, is it my job to correct that thought? Or is it up to them to seek reconciliation with me since it is their perception that I have wronged them with malicious intent?

The people pleaser says it is my job..but is it??

I am to be a GOD PLEASER…have I pleased the Lord in my circumstance? I believe I have.

And if they too feel they have as well..then it is up to the Lord to judge us both, right?

Leave it at His feet Amy.

The opposite of what I normally do…don’t act- be patient and pray. Don’t fix- pray and be patient. Don’t worry- pray and be patient.

Goodness. I sense a theme.

2 things I am not doing..praying and being patient.

Hmmm.

I may be onto something.

The apostle Paul’s letter to the church of Ephasis is pretty powerful but one verse is standing out to me today. It precedes the Armor of God- which is something I should be wearing daily!

Ephesians 6:13 reads to therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

I am thinking of times where I feel like I have been in a battle…times where I have felt, and blogged, that I was battle worn or weary..

I know I credited the Lord for the strength to endure the struggle, but it is the after that I am thinking about.

What do I do?

The battle is over, the struggle appears to have ceased or abated temporarily….I am exhausted in that moment.

I fall down in relief.

I lay down to rest.

I collapse to rejuvenate.

Sound familiar?

Sound appealing???

However, per this passage, I am told to stand when everything is done.

Excuse me?

Keep standing?!

In reflection on this I am beginning to see something…in my rest, my collapse, my timeout – my guard goes down.

How many times after a trial have I felt empowered by the Holy Spirit only to have a wave of shame and doubt sweep over me in the aftermath?

Suddenly, I question everything the Lord has carried me through: did I do that right, should I have said that, what if I…it is an endless interview inside my head.

Perhaps…PERHAPS, if I stayed standing and stayed prepared that would not happen.

The enemy is always waiting to pounce and he knows our weak side…he knows we are battle ready but he also knows that we get battle worn.

The war continues after a battle…and the spiritual war for our souls will continue until Christ returns…so the enemy will not stop attacking.

The Bible (I do not actually know where at the moment so feel free to help a girl out) tells us to stay alert. Jesus actually talks about robbers sneaking around, the devil is a thief that kills and destroys..evil doesn’t come when we are awake-it comes when we rest…and even, ESPECIALLY, at that time we are to be ready.

In my weakness He is strongest- right?

In my battle weary, exhausted, mom’s- heart -just- aches moments I am weak…that is when I desire rest and refreshing for my soul.

That is when I need to keep standing.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it has so much meaning to me still today that I chose to update it and share it…

9 years ago today, my family was robbed of a precious sister, mother, friend, and daughter by alcoholism.

She was so much more than the disease that took her from us!

Since then, my eyes have been forced open to the brokenness that exists in this world we live that feeds into the desire to escape.

Before her death, I lived in a way that reflected an acceptance to “this is as good as it gets, so it doesn’t matter what I choose to do in excess”…be it drinking, eating, shopping, tuning out to the world around me with technology…

Well if that’s as good as it got, her death and therefore life, shouldn’t resonate an impact on me.

What she did, DID matter…who she WAS meant something…

Her legacy is NOT the alcoholism that took her zest for life, love, and laughing.

Her legacy IS her life, that showed us how to be parents when we had no one to watch do it, who had such pride in the nursing care she provided to her patients; her love, that made me feel like I was her sister, that loved her brother more than her own life, that wanted nothing more than to please her parents, who worried how well of a job she was doing at raising her kids; her laughing so loud it made you uncomfortable because people would turn and stare, her ability to get everyone to do the silliest things on a dancefloor, play on slip and slides, cartwheels in the yard, dance parties in the garage…

My life matters.

Your life matters.

Our choices matter to those around us and someone is always watching..be it our children or a stranger on the street.

Alcoholism still plagues my family: it is always hanging in the corner of my mind where deep fear likes to hide and it most certainly likes to surface and challenge us…

For me, because of what we lost, I was forced to look for meaning into her life, my life, life in general.

I found hope, healing, and peace in the Lord who comforted me when nothing else could.

I found restoration and forgiveness in my home because of the unending love He has shown me no matter what wrongs I have done which helps me to forgive the hurts I too have received.

I found a release for my fears because I know who has won the final victory and there is nothing my Savior can’t overcome.

My eyes are open: I am continuing to choose to learn lessons from all my experiences, I love more deeply and simply…

I am not perfect, I will continue to struggle as long as sin is still present in this world…but my sister taught me to ask for help, to not live alone and closed off, to enjoy life and not reside in despair, that I don’t have to be perfect because perfection is unattainable and soul crushing..I just have to be the person I alone was created to be in His image….thank you Dee.

My pastor said we should take time for self reflection in his sermon yesterday…that is not a new habit for me.

I either reflect or overanalyze on a daily basis depending on your perspective or definition of reflection!

However, today is a day of reflection for sure.

The anniversary of the death of my sister in law is quickly approaching and that day marks a pinnacle moment for me: it was the day the scales fell off my eyes and I could suddenly see this fallen world in which we live.

I did not understand or like what I saw or felt…but I was forever changed regardless.

Since that day almost 9 years ago I have never been blind again. Instead, more and more light has been shown into the darkness around me which has allowed me to see even more clearly.

I have been made acutely aware of the hurts of this world…talk about wishing for a shut-off valve some days.

I have attempted to fix them (massive fail), carry them (crushing burden), and ignore them (didn’t work) from time to time…still do- I am totally human after all.

What I have found to be the most beneficial though is to be there in the hurt with someone.

Just be there.

Don’t leave them alone in that pit of darkness and pain.

But I am only one person- so it can be a daunting task to undertake as the need is great for comfort…especially when the darkness also shadows me and I desire comfort too.

But, as with the story of the boy and the starfish, if I can help this one then I have completed my purpose.

So, as August approaches, I am sitting on the edge of a new journey.

Today I receive the official and public announcement of recommendation to continue ministering to those hurting given by the Church of the Nazarene.

To those unfamiliar it may seem foolish to need a recommendation or to require any kind of written permission or authority, but to proclaim the Gospel there should be some guidelines and structure to ensure accountability, accuracy, authority, and integrity.

This is not a path for everyone…and I have been called to walk it.

Therefore, there is a process that ultimately leads to ordination.

Today, my process commences.

My “home page” for this blog declares a Scripture that speaks to my journey as if I wrote it myself instead of King David thousands of years ago~Psalm 40:2-3

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the muck and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He out a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and out their trust in God.

On so many levels this is me.

I was in a pit; sticky, dirty, and stuck. It was dark in the depths of it and I could not see anything around me. When I looked up to finally see the light of HOPE I was pulled out. But, better than that good news, is that I was placed on a firm foundation, a rock, where my footing became secure finally.

On account of that reality I sing a new song: I speak differently because I am different.

And perhaps many will be changed because of it too.

It is a good day to reflect on that.

I must ask:

Are you in a pit?

Do you see the light of hope?

Are you on a firm foundation?

If not, why not?

Be secure in knowing that even if you fall back into the pit, dangle into it, dance around it He will lift you out again and again.

The firmer your feet become on the Rock the sooner you will grasp onto that hope that continually lifts your head.

Psalm 42:

As the deer pants for streams of water so my soul longs for you, O God.

My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me”where is your God?”

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me??

Put your hope in God,

For I will yet praise Him- my Savior and my God.

Treading water sounds tiring.

As a person who enjoys a good “float” as opposed to actually swimming, treading water seems like alot of effort to go nowhere.

When I did a simple Google search on the subject, I found that treading water is considered a great exercise.

Working hard to go nowhere is a super calorie burning, weight loss achieving, low -impact -so -less -joint damage occurs, muscle strengthening activity…

Interesting….and still sounds exhausting.

Have you ever had to tread water?

A sweet teenager told me she had to do it for 2 minutes before getting the hard-earned, all-important “deep end” wrist band at a camp.

2 minutes of keeping herself afloat while not going anywhere– because THAT, of course, would be called swimming and being able to swim apparently does not mean you could survive in the deep end if necessary.

Let me get this straight: the power needed for the breast stroke, the balance required for the back stroke, the essential air capacity in underwater swimming are all unequal to life saving when compared to treading water.

Going nowhere sounds nuts; but it gets you into the deep end??

I pause here to reflect on that…

There has to be something to treading water for it to be so overall beneficial, right?

Apparently, it strengthens me without straining me.

In our faith walk we are usually in a state of motion- either we feel we are growing in our faith (moving forward) or we have slidden back (moved backward or away from God/faith).

We have all heard of plateau’s in a weight loss journey and have also had the same analogy applied to faith too…there are those frustrating times in both where we feel we are stagnant, in a valley, wandering the wilderness…in a time where progress does not seem to be made and we are going nowhere.

In weight loss, this is the time most people quit. The massive frustration a person feels when “doing everything right but nothing seems to be happening” is excruciating.

I think our faith life can be the same.

We go to church, we tithe, we read our Bibles, we pray (sorta), we listen to Jesus music often, we hang out with church-folk…we do what we always did but the result just is not the same.

Lately, I find I am distracted and that is seriously affecting me spiritually.

Frankly, the brokenness of this world has impacted me on so many sides that I feel like I now have spiritual ADHD.

The intensity and passion in my time with the Lord has waned due to battle fatigue.

However, I keep doing what I have always done..trying to hang on and stay the course…searching for that zeal that had consumed me in the past. I see glimpses of it, go to reach for it, and get T-boned in my effort by something else.

Therefore, I feel like I am staying still with zero forward motion…but my efforts are also keeping me from moving backward.

I seem to stay still. For months now.

I. Am. Treading. Water.

Biblical water analogies are fantastic- waves crashing over you with some small or big like situations, walking on water with our eyes on Christ, keeping your eyes above the waves so you don’t go under….

I feel connected to the refreshing power and cleansing ability of water so this subject makes sense to me.

Am I gaining strength in my efforts without being strained?

It is a perspective I have not processed before as all I see is the lack of progress.

But what I am doing is treading water with this motivation in mind:

Stay the course.

Keep moving while not going out of my way to get hurt needlessly (the theory of “no pain no gain” does not appeal to me).

Breathe steady, deep, and calm.

Stay focused.

Do not look too far ahead or behind (the edge of the pool in front of me, out of reach, seems far away: which is frustrating if that is what I am focused on- the purpose is NOT the edge of the pool but the action of treading water…ugh. That’s deep and I don’t like that revelation.)

Do not panic.

Continue doing what it is you know to do.

Trust that those “2 minutes” will be up and the deep-end wrist band will have been earned.

You do know that, to God, a day is like 10,000 years right? His “2 minutes” could last a while…

Imagine the strength gained…