Author: thischicksinpeace

I am being hit with some random/not random Bible verses today.

When that happens, I tend to believe that God is confirming something to me…normally it is a way to tell me to “hang on”; “trust Me”, “I’ve got this”; “I’ve always had this”; “I see you”…

And I have only made it through one devotional book and 2 Bible verses….hang on to your hats folks!

#1 from Jesus Calling:

“Anxiety stems from asking the wrong question: “If such and such happens, can I handle it?” The true question is not whether you can cope with whatever happens, but whether you and I together can handle anything that occurs.”

If you follow me at all either here or on social media, you should see how applicable that is for me lately!

But, that is not all of it!

The devotion takes me to Psalm 5:3 which is what becomes #2:

In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Great verse, yes…but it is what I wrote in the margin that got me…a year ago, 3/19/2017, I wrote that I feared I had a Crohn’s stricture…considering recent events, I think I sensed what was beginning to happen to my body that culminated in the current condition I am now living with.

Instead of making me angry, I truly can say that I feel like I am being told that the Lord knew and knows what is going on…I have not been left alone in this and I won’t be abandoned to it.

Moving on to my Twitter post of last night…We are camping as a family and had a really good day. I highly anticipate having another really good day again today and tomorrow- there is no reason to suggest otherwise!

That being said, with a full and thankful heart, I tweeted that in my time of drought it feels like I have been given a glass of water…that the Lord is faithful to provide what we need when we continue to seek Him.

You know how refreshing a whole glass of water is when you are absolutely parched???

That is how good yesterday felt!

So the “drought” and the “drink” was the analogy I chose to Tweet.

#3, therefore, is Psalm 63:1 (ready today)~

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Seriously, I can’t make this up! The timing, the thought process- all the Lord.

Talk about feeling refreshed.

I am not sure where to start with this one….They say (whoever “they” are) you should then start at the beginning…hmmph. I don’t know about that.

Maybe the present is best then.

I currently sitting in a recliner while a medication is being infused into my system that brags of “positive effects” on my disease while admitting to a list a mile long of negative potentials that could also occur.

It is not like a chemo where all the good cells get destroyed along with the cancer cells, but it is like being pumped full of some kind of toxin that should make me feel better as long as I don’t feel worse from the side effects first.

I am being introduced to the new reality of biologic living.

Not to sound overly dramatic, but I am literally sitting in a chair where I have given permission for my immune system to become compromised in order for my autoimmune system to work and my Crohn’s disease to be effectively managed.

I am not being cured – I am being treated.

I am officially attached to an infusion center for the rest of my life.

Wow.

Many people have bigger struggles in their life…but this is huge for me.

Other people do this sort of thing…not me.

As with so many other blasted areas in my life right now, I am sitting here shaking my head wondering how on earth have I gotten here to this place??

Leading up to this day of infusion, I have traveled through many different stages to get me towards acceptance…denial (no way am I really this sick); anger (I cannot and will not believe this is my life); sadness (the amount of tears I have cried could fill a Great Lake); and finally acceptance ( I will do what needs to be done).

Too much information may be coming!!!

So, as previously mentioned, I have Crohn’s disease. As a 14 year old all that meant was that I had stomach pains all the time and needed to go to the doctor a lot to figure out what was wrong.

At the diagnosis, it meant I had something wrong with me that I never wanted tot talk to anyone else about EVER.

“Why did you miss so much school last week Amy?”

You really think I was going to tell the cute boy from 9th grade English that I missed school because of my bowel disease????

Trust me that has NOT changed even though about 3 decades have since passed!

Crohn’s disease -in a nutshell- means I have an irritated and potentially angry GI tract that becomes inflamed which causes severe to moderate pain with poor absorption of essential nutrients.

Frankly, my stomach hurts 24/7…all the time…every day for 30 years.

I just get used to it.

When it gets to the point of me complaining of discomfort then it means that things are pretty darn bad. If I get scared because of the pain or other symptoms it is because it has gotten pretty darn bad. If I start to talk about the fact that I even have Crohn’s it is because things have gotten pretty darn bad.

Here I am. A pretty hot mess.

I have a chronic illness that I cannot hide, contain, or control.

The other day, my new friend -Felix Fistula – decided to let me know he was going to hang around for a while…the fun thing about fistula’s is that they like to come and go completely unwelcome and unannounced.

His arrival sunk me into the reality of where I am going to be for the rest of my life…spending quality time in an infusion chair.

Now, I highly anticipate that the fistula will heal (hopefully soon!) and I am claiming against possible side effects from this medication that is treating me, but I will be doing this kind of treatment every 8 weeks for the rest of my life. I may not need oral or topical medication anymore (praise the Lord for that small mercy) but I will need an IV plus 1-3 hours of my time every 2 months to achieve and maintain remission.

Upon arrival to the infusion office, I could feel the pressure of tears threatening to make their appearance…and then the headache came as I suppressed them- unwillingly to show weakness at the surface level.

I don’t think I said “I don’t want to do this” today, but there was that blasted “how is this happening” question formulating in my sadness…in my acceptance.

After an escape to the restroom to release the steam out of my teapot (yes, that means to cry), I sat back in my chair and decided to just be there.

This is where I am.

Wishing for something different will not change my situation so I might as well figure out how to be in my situation.

When it was done, my “ride” (she knows who she is 😉) said “well, now that’s over”.

We were able to have a good discussion where we could both say “no, this is where it begins”.

I guess that means I did start at the beginning after all.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding~Proverbs 3:5.

1 Chronicles 16:12 ~Remember what He has done.

It’s where we go from here.

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young writes this morning that it is impossible to thank God and to curse Him at the same time.

Often, we are tempted (and succumb to it) to complain how we feel God is treating us.

Sometimes it is an all out scream of why are You doing this???? Do something!! Stop this!!

Sometimes it is in more subtle complaining: I don’t like this, I won’t do it, I can’t do it.

There are so many times over the last few months that I have been near paralyzed by the reality that all this has happened to me.

When, in all truth, things have affected me, crashed into my world even, but not all of it has happened to me.

But I still complain in the fear.

I wallow in the hurts.

I sit in the frustration.

I whine about the unknown.

I tremble through the doubt.

I toy with anger…bitterness…

Frankly, I have shook my fist in God’s face and basically told Him that I thought my way was better therefore suggesting He did not know what He was doing.

How is that for honesty??

Read my last few blogs if you doubt my sincerity…it is all in there…veiled but there.

Now, I am incredibly grateful to serve a God who allows my honesty. He appreciates the way I cast my cares onto Him. He understands my heart even when I do not understand -or trust- His.

The Psalms are filled with the same expressions I have stated…most of them were written by a man who is described as a guy after God’s own heart…How would that be for an epitaph about someone who seemed to question God continuously??

Even though my expressions of discontent are allowed, understood, and even accepted I am told there is a better way..

Philippians 4:4-7~

Rejoice in the Lord…let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything present your requests to God with thanksgiving. And then the peace of God – that transcends all understanding- will guard your mind and heart in Jesus.

Many times I have read this passage and broke it apart. I saw rejoice in the Lord always and said “yup- amen..Good plan”.

Separate phrase would then be to offer thanks for what troubles me so I can have peace…Little more difficult but I am willing to do what I must do…right?

Then why am I complaining and not saying thanks when life is more difficult than I desire it to be? Where exactly is my peace because I am not feeling peaceful here??

Rejoice in the Lord…be joyful for who He is…the Giver, not the gift…the Savior, the Healer, the Comfort…

Joy is a fruit of the spirit that comes out of love for the Lord…it is not a spirit of happy, it runs so much deeper than a pleasant enjoyment of circumstances and defies fluctuations of weather that affects my mood for the day.

Stay gentle in the trial…be kind…self-controlled…

Yep- another fruit..

Pray and tell God what bothers me…am I really being honest with Him? If I am not joyful in Him can I honestly say I am really talking to Him or just throwing demands at Him??

And then peace will be mine…a peace that guards my heart and mind…Not a problem resolution, not a situational fix, not suddenly getting my way…But a peace that settles my pounding heart in the storm and refocuses my mind against lies that say I am ruined, I am terrible, things will never get better, I will not survive this pain, God doesn’t love me like I think He should…

How do I get this peace?

I rejoice and then I can be gentle and sense the nearness of God…I trust Him enough to be thankful for what He is doing in me, around me, and in those so severely affected by their raging battles and then an unexplainable peace will be given to me.

Repeat process.

To keep the peace I must keep doing my part…intentionally…all day…all night.

Rejoice. Be gentle. Be honest. Be thankful.

Accept the peace that is offered by rejoicing, being gentle in a way that others notice it while in my own suffering, and be thankful in my pain…

Repeat.

It is redundant, repetitive, and sounds oh so easy….

But it is the hardest thing to do when life is hard and hurts.

In verse 12, Paul writes that he has learned the secret of being content in every and any situation…

He rejoiced. He stayed gentle. He told God what he wanted and trusted God to give him what he needed. He stayed thankful…even when beaten, rejected, cold, hungry, and imprisoned.

What a challenge to live…but isn’t peace of mind and heart worth it?

Micah 7:7-9 is worth sharing today!

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.

Proclaim that today my friends!

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise;

Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.

We all fall short of grace and yet He gives it so freely….you WILL rise again and there will be light in your dark place once more…

Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until,he pleads my case and estsblishes my right.

Here it comes folks!

HE WILL BRING ME OUT INTO THE LIGHT; I WILL SEE HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Mic dropped, exit stage left. Done.

I am a mom through and through..I can’t help but to “mother” even when “mothering” is not needed or desired! It is in my bones to take care of and meet the needs of those around me…to nurture, protect, and love on immensely those within my grasp.

As a mom of boys- you can imagine how well received that is most days 😉!

I think that is one of God’s little ironic signs of His sense of humor…where He sits and chuckles at me chasing after my boys trying to get a crumb of affection either onto them or off of them to land on me!!

This summer, my desire is to soak up this season of my life to the point of overflowing. There is much to be thankful for and many reasons for me to remember that I need to be thankful….because of that, this summer feels different.

In the fall, there will be so much change. Our home will be down one member and those left are growing and changing quickly. We are very different people than the ones who entered the fall of 2017…this year has completely changed us so I anticipate more change on the horizon.

In the meantime, I am in the season of summer and I want to enjoy it!

Gone is the gloom of the winter, no longer is the pressure of the spring…here we are in the freedom of summer!

That perspective offers me a new insight into a passage I read this morning as I mash it together with some other quotes.

Paul in Philippians 1 writes from prison -his own season of gloom and pressure- his prayer for those he cares for:

I pray that your love will keep on growing and that you will fully know and understand how to make the right choices. Then you will still be pure and innocent when Christ returns.

” So often we pray for our children to make the right choices. We want to protect them from the consequences of bad decisions and see them reap the rewards of good ones….Whether our children are 2, 12, or 20, we can expand our prayer for them to really understand how to make decisions that honor God” (365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 197).

The reality is “small decisions can have a powerful impact” (196)…

What my sons choose to do with their present, their past, and their future is up to them…but I play a significant role in how they learn to make their choices.

They watch me make my own.

No pressure, right?

Every day I wake up and face the good and bad of this life…I choose to embrace it and lovingly (sometimes overbearingly 😁) hold onto those God has placed in my care- be it my husband, my sons, my family, my friends, my youth, my co-workers…

That is the small decision I make every day.

Sometimes, due to the busyness of life or the emotional place of another, I am unable to be physically present to those I desire to spend time with…

But distance, either physical or emotional, does not change my choice to love and hold tight.

My desire is that that choice impacts my sons in a way that their own love will keep on growing to allow them to keep making good choices to stay pure and innocent.

Summertime to me represents an innocence of childhood- popsicles, bike rides, ponytails, swimming, campfires…

Experiencing that this summer and treasuring those memories in all of our hearts is my prayer…

It’s this mother’s hope.

I read a few things today in the Bible that have stood out to me.

Psalm 130:5 says in His Word I have put my hope.

James 1:12 says God will bless you if you don’t give up when your faith is being tested.

Lately, I have felt so discouraged. Just when I am encouraged it seems that something crosses my path to lead me back into discouragement.

It is interesting to me that the root of both those words is courage:something I know I am not alone in struggling with.

I need hope to be courageous.

I need faith to have hope so I can be courageous.

My faith has never been as tested as it has been these last 6 -8 months.

Life was trucking along pretty well…definate speed bumps along the way over the last couple years but still with forward motion.

I feel like I have had road blocks instead of bumps in my path these days.

One right after another.

One friend called it a “wilderness” experience….another said it is a valley…I thought it was a plateau.

I don’t know what the heck it is but if you visualize a desert plain that is all dried out, barren, and flat but surrounded by these enormous craters that are unavoidable to fall into….I think my faith walk has just been described.

Climbing out of the crater leaves me exhausted and physically sore….strained as my muscles ache for a reprieve. But to reach the barren surface filled with emptiness leaves me emotionally empty instead of relieved..

There no safety in either the crater or the plain. There is no rest. There is no rejuvenation…only another crater waiting. Some I see coming and others catch me off guard as I fall into their waiting abyss.

That is where I am in a nut shell.

The hope I treasure comes in spurts of visible life in the desert nothingness…It comes in the presence of absolute love my friends and family have for me as they surround me; supportive and accepting of the place I am…where they know I don’t want to be…where I am a complainer, a crier, a worryier, an anxious nutcase…a not much fun gal to hang around- yet they stick close.

Perhaps they create the mountains of life that surround this valley I am in…

Because of them I know I am not alone.

I know I am loved.

I am reminded that I have value and there is a purpose in the pain..

That this is a temporary place and not my forever home.

That is the hope that spurns me on. Staying stagnant in the desert or leaving myself to die spiritually in the crater is not acceptable to life I want to live.

God will bless you if you don’t give up when your faith is tested…

I refuse to give into the temptation that plagues my days to return to the life I lived before I was called from the grave.

I refuse to quit fighting for what I believe and who I love.

I refuse to give up on the only hope worth living and dying for….my anchor, my rock, my Savior.

My only hope can come from His Word for what else is there??

In the same passage of James I am reminded of a special verse that says every good and perfect gift comes from the Father…

In the valley it is good to be reminded of the good gifts and to know I am loved by the Giver.

I like that song that says to help me desire the Giver more than the gift…the Savior more than the saving…the Healer more than the healing…

May it be so.

I am thankful for the gift of hope.

https://goo.gl/images/PSQNEG

Have you ever noticed you appear totally calm in the midst of an extreme situation and then totally lose it over something almost trivial?

Why IS that??

As I keep saying, I have a multitude of circumstances swirling around me that continually challenge my emotional stability and my faith…we all have big deal stuff lurking in the wings, don’t we?

I am seemingly “doing alright” on the more challenging days (perhaps not all those days but…)

I can somehow handle things that hurt my feelings, make me feel left out or undervalued, things that affect an unknown future, issues that I have to step back and watch work themselves out…the list is endless, right?

I mean, most days, I wake up to do my time with God, get dressed, go to work even…I am doing alright.

And then….

Something crosses my path, that in the BIG scheme of things is not a huge deal- it is not cancer for crying out loud, a Crohn’s flare up, or one of the other issues that plague my prayer lists continuously- and I seem to react so hugely out of frustration I can’t see past the end of my nose.

What is that?!?

Know what I mean?

We are talking about dealing with college concerns, financial concerns, life and death issues folks…and a schedule or plans change causes a bigger ripple effect into my psyche than a 2×4 into my car.

Please tell me I am not alone here.

Shocker fact- my devotion this morning speaks to this:

“Patient people can stay calm while enduring lengthy waits or dealing with difficult people and problems. I encourage you to examine your own life: to see how you respond to waiting and difficulties. This will give you a good measure of how patient- how loving- you are”( Jesus Always).

Difficulties and waiting.. I seem to do ok with one OR the other not ‘AND’.

The fact that I “blow” over the small stuff is as significant as if I were freaking out and falling apart over the bigger stuff. Both those reactions would ultimately reveal (if I am being honest) that I have a patience and a loving problem.

Man.

Reflection in the morning is not fun.

One can argue that I am struggling with the bigger stuff so therefore I react strongly to the smaller stuff…as if that makes it ok.

The reality is that my reaction to the smaller stuff is stealing my joy and consuming my time.

The smaller stuff is doing that, not the bigger stuff.

The bigger stuff seems to make me want to appreciate and enjoy life…to just BE. It is the small stuff that gets in the way of that happening.

So apparently I need more patience to keep that from happening…

Who wants to pray for THAT?!?

We all know that THAT prayer brings about challenges to work the “patient muscles” out…I don’t want that kind of work out! I barely work out as it is!

But, I can’t keep reacting in frustration, anger, annoyance, irritation, impatience at these inconveniences or disappointments either.

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit…I heard once that all the fruit listed in Galatians 5:22 were all demonstrations of the Spirit of Love- who is God Himself.

So patience is a gift from God that demonstrates His love…His love for me. His very character.

Being patient, taking a minute to breathe and remember the perspectice of the bigger things while being hassled by the smaller, will allow me to show and receive LOVE.

In perfect love there is no fear.

For God so loved the world…no one should perish.

Greater love has no man than he who would lay down his life…

My goodness, the “love” verses are so numerous….they are what we achieve with an act of patience.

Perspective in the morning…it’s a God thing. ( in my proofreading I saw I meant to say “good” thing but autocorrect switched it to “God”- pretty appropriate I think)

My brother sent me this…pretty awesome stuff…He is a good guy😊

I read this today to go along with it:

“Don’t let an underestimate of your gifts and talents hold you back. Decide to put your strengths to good use for the kingdom of God. Several members of the body working together infinite a supernatural synergy. Connect with others who are using their gifts, and the results can be exponential”! (The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers)

Who I hang around most has the most influence on me…they have the ability to either pull me up or weigh me down.

Life is too short to be lived weighed down when I desire SUPERNATURAL SYNERGY!

Does anyone out there realize how difficult it is to write something when you know people will actually read it?

It is an interesting fact that I am “called” to write and the mere fact that what is written will be read is becoming a stumbling block for me. I actually toy with the notion of an “alias” out of the desire to achieve freedom of speech in what I have to say…but I fear that goes against my definition of being a person of integrity: If I have to hide what I want to say is it something that truly needs to be shared? Or is it TRULY what needs to be to shared and that is why I want to hide it?

Perhaps all that is a reason this particular topic is getting stuck in my craw and won’t come out..(as a digression note, I actually now know what a “craw” is thanks to a sweetheart of a teenager with chickens!)

Perhaps all that is the reason I have barely written these last few months in general…

But, here it goes…emptying my craw…

The Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young gives a certain encouragement today: “You will get through this day one way or the other. One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet. This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way. You can choose to walk with Me along the path of peace, leaning on Me as much as you need.”

Hmmm. That is where the pause began for me…

How am I getting through my days lately?

I am  like most everyone else who rides her emotions like a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point…Depending on my feelings, I am either up or down…depending on the feelings of those around me that I love, I am either up or down. Empathy has a way of attaching his or her emotions onto mine like a leech trying to drain life-giving blood from my body.

So, depending on my circumstance, the weather, or how someone else feels, my day can easily turn into one that passes with shuffling feet while stumbling along.

Don’t get me wrong, my day also is as easily impacted by random acts of kindness, laughter, hugs, an overflowing amount of love-joy-pride that tumbles out from within for my boys, my purring kitten or my snuggling little bear-dog Max, the sunshine on a blue sky, flowers in my backyard, my handsome husband walking in the door, the outpouring of love and affection from my best friend that never ceases to amaze me, songs on the radio, and reminders from the Lord that He has not forgotten me.

My life can look like a roller coaster that starts and stalls frequently…

Those days of stumbling and shuffling, however, are getting higher in number and increasing in their own intensity.

I think, if I am being honest, I have become a grumbler.

There are situations around me that impact me so adversely I want to either run and hide from them or scream and yell through them. I am like a child who is on the verge of temper tantrum.

1 Corinthians 10:10 reminds me to not grumble as the Israelites did when being led from Egypt to the Promised Land with Moses…they were killed for it.

Here is the NIV Life Application Bible study note on the subject and let’s see what nerve it tings on you:

“We start to grumble when our attention shifts from what we have to what we don’t have. The people of Israel didn’t seem to notice what God was doing for them- setting them free, making them a great nation, giving them a new land- because they were so wrapped up in what God wasn’t doing for them.”

What is God setting me free from? My incessant need to people please? My anxiety over what I cannot control? My fear of the unknown?

What is He making me into? The image of His son, Jesus perhaps? One who was persecuted, hung out with the unpopular, was questioned at every turn, did what was right even though it was going to hurt Him and the pay off for His effort would not be recognized any time soon by those He walked among??

What new land is He giving me?? A future I never envisioned before? A cause worth fighting for? A career that is more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined? A dream I never dreamed? A vision for my sons that I could not help them achieve all on my own?

When I think of the Israelites I get so dang frustrated…I can see the end of their story though. All they saw was the wandering in the desert for 40 years…I can see what the Lord had done, how He talked to Moses, what His overall plan was for the people He had chosen…they saw the same meal over and over again and an unknown future based on the testimony of a man.

“Before we judge the Israelites too harshly, it’s helpful to think about what occupies our attention most of the time. Are we grateful for what God has given us, or are we always thinking about what we would like to have? “

How many times have I wished for something different than what was currently happening?

How many times have I shook my head in disbelief that all this has happened or that this is really what my life looks like now?

How many times have I looked into the future to anticipate what could happen and think “how could that possibly be what will happen??? How will I live with that??”

1 Corinthians 10:11 reads that these things happened to them (the Israelites) as examples and were written down as warnings for us…

If their grumbling brought about the delay of the given promise and brought them additional suffering unto the point of death….and all that is a lesson for me then I better flipping pay attention!

“Today’s pressures make it easy to ignore or forget the lessons of the past. Paul cautions us to remember the lessons the Israelites learned about God so we can avoid repeating their errors….we need not repeat their mistakes!!”

I wrote a paper for one of my classes on a passage in the book of Deuteronomy and the them was to “REMEMBER”, remember the past, remember what God had done…I need to dig that paper up I think…

I need to not only remember the lessons of God through the Bible by more actively studying it but I also need to remember the lessons of God in my OWN life history…I need to shift my thinking on a regular basis to what He IS doing in my life and those around me and not what I WISH He would be doing…

Dang it- that means I need to TRUST HIM and what I do not understand that He has going on.

“Sometimes our confidence is shaken when trials come, especially if they are lengthy”…

What do we do in that long time of suffering?? Sigh…we grumble don’t we?

What do I need to do to get my confidence back? Confidence in me, who God made me to be, what He will have me do, what He will do through me…I need to find my confidence in God- who HE is, what HE is doing, that HIS motive of love is pure, that He is for me and NOT against me because HE LOVES ME...

“When we have an assurance of God’s love for us, no matter what comes against us, we know deep inside that we are more than conquerors. If we are truly confident, we have no need to fear trouble or trying times, because we know they will pass” (Joyce Meyer Closer to God Each Day).

If I am focused on my unfulfilled desires and what I don’t have but think I deserve at the time I feel I should have it, I will not have that assurance of love. I will not be confident.

“Confident people get the job done. They are fulfilled because they are succeeding at being themselves” (Joyce Meyer).

Grumblers don’t.

I am sorry to say I have no conclusion here…there is no appropriate ending because I am still figuring all this out for myself.

I know I want more from my life than stumbling through it. I want more than crying fits that force me into my bedroom. I want more than frustration that overcomes me and steals joy out of celebration occasions.

I want more than what grumbling offers.

I want confident assurance.

The interesting thing about peace is that it tends to follow acceptance..When I fight my circumstance or feel trapped in my situation or feel treated unjustly I have no peace.

When I accept that this is where I am regardless of my reality, I receive the perfect amount from the Prince of Peace.

Peace is like manna from heaven- you get the exact amount you need for today…nothing more, nothing less.

However, I try to grab as much as I can and store it up for another day…but find yesterday’s peace does not carry into today.

Soooo…I need a fresh supply.

Therefore, back to the Prince I must go…

But, if I refuse acceptance then that sweet manna rots in its basket unused because I am searching for something else that simply is not being offered.

Now, the reality is that I don’t like where I am situationally; I don’t like the storms that are swirling around me; I don’t like the fear; the grief; the intensity; the hurt feelings; the judgements and rejection.

Frankly, the possibility of certain outcomes to come in the future are even more unsettling.

But, continually fighting the “what is” or “what may be” is NOT working…pushing against what is happening in order to dig for the outcome I want is stealing so much energy…too much joy.

So this is where I am in my choices…in this moment, today, on my 43rd birthday, I accept it.

Peace is the greatest gift I could have today so I choose to do what needs to be done in order to collect my manna.

Philippians 4:8