Author: thischicksinpeace

I often ask God for wisdom…what do I do? Where do I go? Which path do I take? What should I say? How should I say it? 

My wanting goes on and on..

Psalm 25:4 says “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths”.

It sounds so simple!

 BUT…

There is a crux to it.

The first step is to WANT TO BE GUIDED. 

Next, I need to seriously consider where my source of wisdom is found-yes, it is from the Lord but how do I actually obtain it?? 

It is not like God is going to magically infuse me with all the knowledge of the world just ‘cuz…like I deserve to handle that- as if I could handle that!

He has given me a manual to follow that tells me how to maneuver this life.. I need to choose to read it.

 I can ask, wander, beg, and plead for wisdom and guidance but if I do not look at the instruction book written for me then I will not get the answers or direction I seek.

I easily get to the point where I “demand answers from God” instead of asking for His direction…there is a HUGE difference in that.

Here is that crux found in my NIV Life Application Bible: when we are willing to seek God, learn from His Word, AND obey His commands, THEN we will receive His specific guidance.

SEE

+

LEARN

+

OBEY

=

WISDOM AND GUIDANCE
   

One whole holiday is under our grieving hearts- with the “Big One” to go yet.

These next weeks that lead up to Christmas are a daily exhausting reminder of what is changed and who is missing. There simply is no reprieve once the holiday decorations go up in the stores, the Christmas music begins playing non-stop on the radio, and those holiday greeting cards start coming in the mail.

The last time I met with  my GriefShare class was before Thanksgiving and the session was about the Lessons of Grief- Part 2. There is a portion of that lesson that continues to resonate within me.  I cannot help but linger on this thought and put it to words. When placed into the context of this week’s lesson on Heaven,  I think it is appropriate to revisit this topic of “identity”.

“Grief is NOT an identity”.

Being a “widow” is NOT an identity.

Being the parent of  a deceased child is NOT an identity.

Considering yourself an “orphan” after the loss of both parents is NOT an identity.

Being “sad” is NOT an identity.

Being “depressed” is NOT an identity.

Nor is being a wife, a mother, a nurse, a writer, a friend, an aunt, a sister, a daughter…

These are ALL experiences:

“I am experiencing  a new chapter in life as the mother of a child who has died”…

“I am experiencing a new, unwanted Part 2 of my life as a widow”….

I am in a season of intense sadness.

I am not sad…I feel sad.

“What is it that defines my existence”, therefore,  becomes the great question:

Is it what I do?

Is it how I feel?

Is it what I own?

Is it what I have lost?

I WANT my existence to be based on what can NEVER be lost…

All good and perfect things are gifts from the Lord

and those things that are good include my loved one…which means they too have been a gift to me, not something permanent in me.

So, who am I?

I am a child of the living God, I am the treasure of my Creator, I am one who is molded by the Potter, I am a child resting between my Father’s shoulders, I am created in His image to do things He created me to do- it is His passion instilled into me to accomplish His purpose…

and I am struggling with the condition of grief.. depression… fear… anxiety…

Thankfully, I am told I am also NOT ALONE in the struggle.

Proverbs 23:7 tells us what we think therefore we are…what we think of as our identity is crucial to living the full, abundant life we have been promised.

What is your identity?

In waging the war against teen depression: 

” Your ability to influence the lives of children -rightly or wrongly- reaches far beyond the four walls in which you live…Young people gravitate towards those who genuinely care  what’s going on in their lives,and you have the opportunity to be one of the people to whom they turn when they need someone”.

Be the difference maker.

“Let your heart overflow with thankfulness, and I will fill you with my joy”-Sarah Young
The word picture I see here is a cup spilling out because it is too full. 

Normally, when that happens-unless there is a source to keep filling it like a cup under running water- the cup will ultimately either empty or become stagnant at about 2/3 full.

Neither full nor empty. 

A land of apathy per se. Or maybe sitting in the dormancy of a status quo.

The fear could be to not appear TOO thankful- maybe it will be taken from me if I show I like it too much? Maybe there is something better out there so I don’t want to waste my feelings on what might not be the best?

So we say “thank You God” and don’t overflow the cup- instead just let it spill out a bit.

But here, God is saying LET your cup overflow…there is no fear that the cup will empty, that nothing else good will come, that there is nothing better because in this moment this IS THE BEST thing…

Let it overflow AND I WILL FILL YOU WITH MY JOY.

Spill out thankfulness and be filled with joy.

Repeat.

See the cycle???

See the image?

Thank you Lord for my loved ones…I am filled with joy at the ridiculous memories of years gone by…thanks bubbles out again…joy replenishes what has poured out.

Thankfulness OUT, joy IN…sounds like a good deal to me!

Have you ever woke up and realized that your life was incredibly different than the way it had been a week ago?

That what you worried about last week is not the same thing you worry about today?

That what you used to think about is no where near what you think about today?

How can one week make such a difference?

I woke to a Facebook memory (yes, it got me again!) of another time when I felt the same way…and it offered me strange comfort to see that “this too shall pass”…this current angst is one of many storms in life that will try to ravage my world…

“I am strangely awake and acutely aware of the reality of life today. The Lord joyfully welcomed a veteran of His earthly army into His Kingdom yesterday. I had …the rare honor for a daughter in law to wage a battle over an infection with Dad. I was privileged to advocate for his life with everything I have. I was allowed to stand by him daily, hourly, as he fought for his life. I was there for his salvation and can’t wait to see him again in heaven! My life is forever changed by this experience. The Lord has stayed close and I am counting on His promises to endure these days ahead. I loved my father in law, my kids adored him… He will be greatly missed.”

Soooo…in the midst of the storm, I was in a position to share some encouragement to those who are grieving this holiday season- I am thankful to have also been encouraged myself to keep pressing forward. This is what I shared:

In years past, 2 days before Thanksgiving, I would’ve had my table decorated and ready to be set. The china and crystal would be ready to put in its place. Pies would be made (or ready to be made), the turkey bought and thawing in the fridge. I would have my Black Friday plans ready to go as a plan was necessary to get the good deals.

The weekend after Thanksgiving down would come the fall leaves and pumpkin decorations and out come the 10 rubber made storage bins of Christmas stuff! Plans to get a tree went on the calendar. Pictures were sorted through to decide what would go on that “perfect Christmas” card telling all my friends and family what a wonderful year we had and how we looked forward to the New Year.

Presents for the family and friends were eagerly purchased and wrapped in anticipation of passing them out at a holiday function that was planned in the very near and crowded month of December.

I have anxiety just remembering those days!

Then it all changed when my sister in law passed away in 2009. That Christmas there was no jolly sentiment to be shared on a Christmas card. The idea of traditions terrified and angered me because it was a farce (in my mind) to think we could carry on as if she was just working or busy that day. Too much food and drink made me miserable as my stomach was already upset. I had no energy for the busy business…let alone “normal “activities like going to work and helping my children with their homework.

Sound familiar??

A few years ago we had that ice storm- Who had power on Christmas Day? We, by God’s grace, received a generator on Christmas Eve that allowed the greatest Christmas present ever…HEAT. A minor, but major to my heart, was also a light in the living room and an outlet allowing the Christmas tree to be lit.

Suddenly, the simplest thing became the greatest treasure…and nothing else seemed to matter. It seemed to cement how I had been feeling about the holidays over those past 5 years.

When my sister in law died I just didn’t care about traditions because they hurt.

I didn’t care about presents, because they seemed useless and shallow and empty.

I didn’t care about Christmas greetings, because I simply wasn’t “merry”.

At Thanksgiving- I just wasn’t thankful.

All  events were exhausting and I felt forced to put on false cheer as we stuffed the turkey and filled our bellies with family favorite dishes.

When we lost power, we physically couldn’t do things the way they had been done but boy did we ever try!  No matter what the effort was, though, one could not pretend it was warm in my house or that there was a light on in the refrigerator when we opened the door. Things were spoiling fast in there!

And let’s not forget the flushing the toilet situation-not exactly an easy feat when one does not have power!

Two years ago my father in law fell ill and died suddenly…two years ago today actually. With one week later being Thanksgiving I sincerely struggled with how to find the energy to make a meal, host friends who had been planning on coming into town, all while planning a funeral.

After past experiences with grief during the holidays, I learned that the best approach to Christmas was to “keep things quiet and simple”…so I invited both sets of parents to spend the night at my house on Christmas Eve- there was nothing simple about this choice! I thrust myself into a venue of celebrating the “perfect Christmas morning” with pre-teen kids (can you say “apathetic”??), a grieving widow with bronchitis, and parents who longed to fill a void of Christmas memories that had been out of their reach since I was a kid.

Why did I do this??

You see, those around us want a “nice” holiday together and we want to provide that. Somehow we think that  we will  feel a sense of normalcy by doing things the way we always had. We think that  by choosing to keep the traditions of old it could almost trick us into thinking that life really wasn’t all THAT different.

It is as if I could trick myself into thinking that my sister in laws death does not carry on a domino effect still felt today…that us not having power wasn’t really that big of a deal, it was more of an adventure; that we could happily meet my friend’s fiancé for the first time and come across totally normal while reeling from the shock of a sudden loss from sepsis…

I can honestly say now that there was nothing normal or adventuresome about flushing my toilet with snow we had melted and sifted to get the leaves out when one needed to use the restroom!! Nor was there anything “normal” about a holiday without my sister in law being there. And my life has completely altered now that my father in law has died!

This year, and the next 50 to come, will be different because someone we love is gone forever. There is no tradition that will cover the situation no matter how hard we try.

The harder I try to fight the acceptance of that idea, the worse I feel on the inside. The more I try to keep pressing on as if NOTHING is changed, the worse I feel on the inside.

So, where do we go with this? The holidays are here and our life is most definitely different: things have happened to bring about major change be it  storms or illness or death.

I guess, then, here comes HOPE FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

Comfort from the Lord means to infuse strength into you, to give you hope and encouragement….I want to offer you that kind of comfort tonight because, frankly, there is no easy fix to make this holiday season “better” for you. We have  great tools at our fingertips – but those are  kinds of situational fixes:  like survival assistance.

Psalm 34 has given me much encouragement of late- especially when I don’t know what I should do, how I should feel, how I can help…This Psalm about God offers more than survival assistance.

The word “love” and what it really means has been on my mind lately. Is it really the best option to help someone through a hard time? Is is really enough to simply “love them”? Wouldn’t “problem solve”, make a meal, offer resources be more beneficial?

Can LOVE really make a difference in a persons life when their world is falling apart???

This verse JUMPS out at me this morning to answer my questions and to demolish my doubts!

“Love” is as strong as death-if you have ever lost someone you love to death YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!

“LOVE” is as unyielding as the grave-you can’t stop loving someone just because you want to can you? Even though it hurts…

“LOVE” burns like a blazing fire-think of the power in a roaring fire;the HEAT that comes off it;the movement of a fire if not contained.

“LOVE” cannot be quenched by many waters-it will not be put out easily because of how intensely it blazes!

“LOVE” will not be washed away by rivers-it won’t disappear in a current of struggle or storm.

LOVE WILL REMAIN!

Ephesians 3:19 says that we CAN know THIS “love” and BE FILLED TO ALL MEASURE with it because it comes from God (for GOD IS LOVE: 1 John 4:7).

Do I think love can truly cover a multitude of sins?

Is it possible for love to heal a rift in a family?

Is it enough to give someone when nothing else tangible would make a difference because I cannot possibly change their circumstances??

The answer must be YES

Today we leave for our annual PCON Youth Fall Retreat in Kalkaska- 40 teenagers, 10 youth leaders, a 6-member band, and 1 speaker preaching on being SOLD OUT for Christ.

I need to get my “medical bag” packed – oh the Tylenol, Motrin, and Band-Aids that get used!

I need to get bathroom supplies and road trip snacks!

(I wish it was

 but it definitely looks more like

!!!)

Frankly, I need to shower.

However, my mind is a whirl with thoughts that I figured I best put down before I move on with my

A few years ago, three to be exact, at the time of our Fall Retreat my husband was unemployed because he lost his job unexpectedly due to “down-sizing”. We had no idea what our future held and what was going to happen next.

That year, the title of our retreat was called “The Call”.

I received a “call” from the Lord to go into ministry that weekend- knowing in my heart to be true, that God had a plan for our lives that went far beyond where our next pay check would come from. The ridiculousness of this timing was that furthering my education was a key component into stepping further into a ministerial role.

Go back to college while my husband is unemployed?? Yeah, that  makes sense financially.

Go back to college for education about something that has nothing to do with my nursing profession (and therefore secure me with a degree that would keep me employable as the world shifts into BSN degree nurses being most optimal)?

I should go back to school when he is the one without employment?

None of this was logical!

But that is how God works best! The world says “do this and you will succeed” but God says “do this and you will be blessed beyond what the world can give you”.

So, in 2015, I enrolled at Nazarene Bible College to begin a Ministry Preparation Program.

The next year, two years ago, at the time of Fall Retreat my father in law became ill and abruptly died. It would have been our oldest son’s first time going but there was no way we could leave for a weekend while so freshly into our grief.

Last year, we went to our Fall Retreat-taking our son with us. It felt wonderful to reconnect with the place and the teens who attended…but much had changed and that change was palpable.

The youth group was different.

We were different as leaders.

I was different as a person.

This has been a growing year. There has been much stripped away in order for the metamorphosis to occur that God has in store.

This year, we have a record number of teens going and a few new youth leader faces joining us! We have a large amount of junior high age kiddos-which always means

But, we are pros and got this, right?

Leading up to this weekend, however, many events have occurred that provokes a wide range of a thought process.

On the one hand, we have : oh my goodness, how will they ever be able to focus ? Will they physically be able to lean into what God wants to say to them? Will they continue to shut Him out? Will they stay closed off to any emotional process?

The “what if scenarios” are endless.

On the other hand…if we dare to be bold and lean forward into what we cannot see nor understand but believe to be true…

God has something so miraculous in store for these teens and adults who are attending that the devil can’t help but throw his arrows of distraction, hurts, family discord, and insecurities at any and all who will be there to try to stop the presence of Christ from shining into their lives.

THAT makes me feel powerful.

THAT makes me feel excited.

THAT makes me feel like I am on the Victor’s side and no weapon shall prevail against me!

1 Chronicles tells the story of David and his son Solomon. It is David who was a man after God’s own heart, but it was his son who was given the responsibility to build the Temple that would house the Ark of the Covenant.

David was the king who needed to pass on his knowledge to the one who was to succeed him- and would ultimately receive more monetary glory than David ever did.

Reading this verse today made me think of what lies before me… a huge task to live a transparent, vulnerable life in front of these teens while loving them through their significant angst and also their self-imposed issues. It is my role, given to me by God, to show them how to live for Christ by my own life-example.

How can I do this when I am emotionally invested in some of their circumstances or frustrated by their other situations?

The key wording is “until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished”.

Our bodies, as believer’s in Christ, are the “temple” for it is within us that Jesus resides.

To me, the temple mentioned in the Old Testament here, is transformed to New Testament meaning.

I am not to be afraid (fear over their future and fate) or discouraged (because, the reality they can drive me crazy) because God will not leave me or forsake me until the work He is doing – through me and other leaders- in the temple (which is HIS PEOPLE) is completed.

Therefore, BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS….and do the work.

https://goo.gl/images/njAuiT

I have the incredible honor to lead a GriefShare class each week to facilitate those who are grieving the death of a loved one through my church.

Information regarding this amazing, life changing program can be found at http://www.griefshare.org.

Anyhow, through the program there is a Prayer Manual that offers weekly prayers to send out to people that are topic specific for each week of the 13 week class. I have chosen to do this and found it to be very rewarding for those who choose to pray along with me. When I send the prayer requests, I often write a quick note to those who have agreed to pray along with me. These “notes” are thoughts that come quickly off the top of my head that I share in a simple email. I have gotten recent responses to these “notes” asking me “who wrote that?”; “did you really write that?”

Today, as I was writing my email, I realized that something special came out of me in those words. I want to share it with you today:

The definition of

means to have supreme power or authority over something.

is defined as having the highest quality, degree, character, etc…

God as SOVEREIGN, therefore, means He is the One as the person in charge who has the highest quality of character with the power to influence all command, opinion, and behavior.

His reign, His vision, His knowing is ALL encompassing as God is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end.

There is nothing He misses in your life…in my life. There is nothing that escapes His notice.

It is His choosing how and when to intervene in our lives and in what matter…sometimes it is in an obvious way (that some would call a miracle), sometimes it is more subtle (we could excuse it as random), and sometimes He uses people or creation to intersect with our existence to make a difference or to make Him known more fully to us.

In our grief or troubled times, it becomes essential to our healing to recognize and accept the One we will never understand fully…God will never bow to our requests or demands or time table: and nor should He.

Truly, do we want to serve and worship a God we could control and completely understand? Would that be GOD or something we create to make OUR personal world a better place?

Well, God revealed His sovereignty to me this morning.

I must confess I have been caught in the grips of wallowing lately…I want my life to look different, to have had a different outcome that would make my present circumstances so much easier (on me), where, if things were different, I may not have to even handle the situation at all because someone else could deal with things in my place!

I am leaning heavily on the Lord as the absolute Sovereign Christ who sees me…but I guess today He wanted me to see Him!

We have a wood burning stove- our house is freezing because I do not want to turn the heat on yet but frankly, I was too lazy to make a fire. In the past, we had a screen on the top of the chimney “flute” (?) to keep the critters out. Apparently, it is gone because we have had some birds come to visit our wood stove and peck around inside the tube that feeds into the house and on the glass that looks into my living room.

To be honest, they freak me out. The sound of them freaks me out.

My kids are usually home, or my husband is, to help these guys escape out the front door or the door wall, with me hollering from nearby, as the poor ash covered bird flies into our living room!

But, this morning, I was home alone when the pecking began.

I hoped they would just go away or I could ignore them as I go about my business…but the pecking and wing flapping inside the stove is startling and alarming to say the least! I could not turn a blind eye to the poor birds and hope to accomplish anything productive!

I sat at the computer trying to think through this dilemma while I read a devotional. The verse that started the devotion was Matthew 6:26~

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?

I looked at my stove and decided to free the bird! In response to my effort come TWO birds flying out of the wood stove and out the door wall immediately.

Startling but cool….way to go Amy!

I move onto sending a few emails, I read a second devotional. This time it begins with a verse from Luke 12:24~

Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds!

What the heck? TWO verses about birds?

Then I hear the darn wing flapping and pecking again!

So I decide to free him as well- this time without hesitation because I am a professional bird rescuer!

Now, I know I need to do something different…I know that when a fire is going in the stove, smoke will come out the chimney and will keep those birds away. It’s cold in the house anyway so what is there to lose?

My husband had the stove all filled with wood ready to light with our propane torch lighter-thing. All I needed to do was light it up and hold the flame on the wood until the fire took hold.

Easy.

As I was lighting the wood I heard the wing flapping again.

Oh no! A bird was BACK IN THE TUBE heading to the now burning wood in the stove with smoke everywhere!

I quickly stopped the torch and shut the door in a panic thinking that a bird would fly out at me all covered in flames!

But I could hear that bird….He was either going to die of smoke inhalation or flame…and it was my fault with little for me to do about it to stop this horrible thing from happening.

I stared at the smoke stack with horror while listening to him flap for his life!

I remembered those Scriptures…and I began to pray those Scriptures:

Lord, You said You cared for the birds in Your Word…You just showed me those verses this morning!! You said how You feed them and house them because You care for them…You used them as an example for how much more You love us… So, please God save this bird! You know my heart and that my desire is to not harm Your creation like this! Please, either save Him Yourself or bring him to me so I can be used for that purpose…Don’t let it end this way!

I decided to open the door to the stove to see if he would come out.

Nothing happened and all was silent. Maybe he was gone after all…

The flame of the wood had barely taken hold so the choice was now made to keep moving in the direction I had begun…I needed to light this fire so no more birds would come in.

I picked up my torch and began to light the wood again (after I had banged on the shoot with a broom!). Suddenly, a big black something popped out of the stove and rammed into my shirt! I barely felt it, I screamed of course, but I did not see what it was or where it went. Frankly, it looked like a piece of paper (the ash) that was in the stove that had burned and flew out. I looked around the room and saw no ash or anything else unusual.

The fire officially took hold so I closed the door and went outside to get wood to stack inside for reloading the stove later.

When I came back in is when I saw it.

That bird must have been what hit me and went straight to my couch where the big picture window was!! He was officially IN MY HOUSE!

I quick opened the door wall again, grabbed my handy broom, and swished at him a few times to get him away from the couch…until he escaped!!

I could not believe this!!

Talk about a direct answer to prayer…yes for a minor thing but it was a major experience and revelation!!

Not only was I NOT a bird killer but I firmly believe that my Sovereign God cared enough for me to show up in my living room this morning!

Using these very specific Scriptures and then a hands on learning experience revealed that God sees me in my circumstances…He knows I am feeling pressed by my situation…He knows how much my family hurts with the absence of my father in law, my sister in law, and the apathy of other family members. He knows I feel alone when my husband travels for his job. He knows how inadequate I feel when trying to balance work with parenting. He knows I am angry over how “all this” has come to be.

And He shows up for me anyhow.

He accepts me for who I am and where I am emotionally.

In the joy I felt after that final bird escaped without injury, I praised the Lord in freedom myself!

Does He not care for us more than the ravens? Does He not provide for us more than He does the birds?

Yes, praise the Lord: yes He does.

Not one thing in my circumstance has changed…but it does not need to because I AM CHANGED within the circumstance. I feel equipped and strengthened to keep moving through my day…to get up and do it again tomorrow… and the day after that.

When I look to sky and see a bird, I am going to remember how much God loves me and is looking out for me…He loves me enough to keep me where I am in life to grow me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally…It would do me no good to simply have my trials lifted without me facing any effort or discomfort- that it is not realistic for life or living.

I am thankful to be given JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, SELF-CONTROL, and LOVE as I am enduring and persevering under the guidance of MY ultimate Authority.

My prayer is that you would be encouraged by that as well and embrace what our Sovereign God has to offer.

Here is a picture of my finished product…when I sent it to my husband I said “it’s messy but it’s cozy”…like my life!