Author: thischicksinpeace

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It’

s a good motto to live by!

I am sitting here reflecting on the fact that my youngest son, The Young Master, has turned 12 today and I cannot help but notice how time has changed my perspective of my memories:

what once was exhausting and almost painful has now turned precious in hindsight…

His birthday always leads me to the song Baby Mine from the Disney movie Dumbo. I share it every year on Facebook- no birthday is complete without a Facebook post after all!!

Bear with me while I walk you down memory lane…into the story that has led to the creation of the name “The Young Master” for my darling second born.

The pregnancy itself was completely unlike my first pregnancy. In that one, I was almost apathetic towards most things. There was no “rosy, I-feel-so-beautiful-, glow” happening for me! I experienced a lack of taste for food instead of the crazy cravings both my husband and I were looking forward to laughing over. Eating became a necessity but I never wanted anything in particular….until I  absolutely had to eat and then I quickly devoured whatever was easiest to consume before I threw up.

Good times.

I rarely-to-never felt my first baby move when he was in the womb. In fact, I had to have two ultrasounds because he refused to change positions so the tech could appropriately see and measure the four ventricles in his brain- even though I had treated myself to a Coke Slurpee prior to my appointment!

My first came into the world 5 weeks earlier than planned- before a baby shower, the hospital tour, or our home preparation. There was no “babymoon” for us!

After he was born, we realized our oldest was as laid back outside of the womb as he was inside it- and he still is to this day 14 years later!

And then came the Young Master.

By 5 months pregnant, I was HUGE. I waddled as if I was carrying twins! He was measuring “big” already and I was eating as if he were chewing the food himself!

I must say- that was not a bad thing.

I have NEVER, in my life before or since, experienced how wonderful food tastes like I did when I was carrying that child!!!

The other massive difference between the two pregnancies was how much he moved inside of me….all the time…24/7. The joy of watching my stomach move as he shifted positions was nothing short of sheer magic!!

I should have recognized that he was making his presence known in a powerful way!

His brother was super sick with a high fever the day he decided to be born. He had been trying to “get out” since I was 32 weeks pregnant but flat out refused to come down the birth canal! We scheduled a C-section for that coming Thursday but he decided he was going to make it happen on a Sunday when we were not ready for him at all!

He came into this world at a fast pace 12 years ago today! And he came out SCREAMING!

Wowza….could that kid cry.

We had a pediatrician tell us that we should not be surprised if he either made himself throw up from crying or pass out from holding his breath when angry…

Great.

Here comes my exhausted and painful memory turned precious….

My sweet angel baby with devil horns would awaken in the middle of the night for his feedings or because he wanted to….we never knew what to expect! But, heaven help the parent, that HE DID NOT WANT at that particular moment in time!

The screaming would commence and WOULD NOT STOP UNTIL THE YOUNG MASTER STOPPED IT. Period. No easy way out or simple fix.

He was not colicky- I feel I must make that clear. He was, and is, a strong-willed child. Our methods and experiences are completely unlike the struggles a family endures with a colicky baby or a chronically ill child.

Enter in a rocking chair and Disney lullabies.

We had an old wooden rocker sitting by his crib with a small ottoman nearby….in that chair (because I was “assigned” the 3 am feeding/fit so my husband could go to work at 6 am) I would rock in the limited light provided by either a small lamp or a night light and would hit “play” on the CD player that sat on the nightstand between the chair and wall.

In REAL TIME, I remember the tension knot that formed between my shoulder blades during these episodes. The pressure created was so severe I would have pain if I turned my head a certain way so it was necessary to hold my “gift from God” only in a specific angle to my shoulder.

I remember pleading with him to go to sleep and not wake up his brother.

I remember cursing my husband for sleeping while I sat here in the middle of the night with a baby who would not be comforted.

I remember begging for sleep to come….for peace to come into him because I had no idea what was wrong…if anything was that is.

I was not a “praying parent” but I imagine I talked to God in those nights….wondering where I had failed this child who refused to be comforted or at rest in his own bed.

So….we rocked and listened to lullabies in the darkness.

This Baby Mine liked to be held.

I think he liked my humming while we softly rocked.

He liked our shared warmth.

He liked the unity between us as we both fought the night together.

If I am totally honest, I liked it too.

Now, he is 12 and there is no more rocking.

That’s what makes the memory so precious to me now…

Can you hear the cry of an angry, hungry, wet, cold newborn breaking into the dark of night as you sleep? Do you feel the cool floor as your feet steady underneath you providing balance when your eyes have not fully opened yet? Do you sense the quietness in the house while this one solitary noise shatters into it?

The hushed murmurings begin before you even enter his darkened, Peter Rabbit decorated room…inside the crib is this soft, warm pile of pajama and diaper- squirming in discomfort that he cannot solve for himself.

With eyes barely open and brain not functioning, you reach into the crib and pull him from his disarray and hold him close to prepare for a feeding…his little mouth begins to suckle your cheek in preparation with his warm breath tickling your ear.

After he is fed and his diaper is changed, he wants a little more time with you in this stillness…so you sit in a hard chair that your own mom sat in holding you when you were a baby: you begin to rock with him high against your shoulder and slowly pat his back to ensure there is no air bubble left inside him causing his unease.

He only cries when you attempt to put him back into his bed…so it seems best for the rest of the household to make the choice to continue to sit in the dark humming…

Happiest of birthdays to my darling boy who will never let me forget whose mom I am.

I said this before-

I cannot help but notice how time has changed my perspective of my memories:

what once was exhausting and almost painful has now turned precious in hindsight…

How many other times can be like that in our lives?

And what a blessing it is when what was once so painful can be changed into something precious. The circumstance or situation does not change, the past cannot be undone, but the perspective of seeing it can be.

My daily devotion for today writes “hoping for something different is useless when your hope depends on circumstances that might or might not change. The writer of this Psalm had learned something different: he anchored his hope on God, whose track record for doing the right thing at the right time is completely reliable (emphasis mine)…Take a hope break today. Sit with the God of all hope. Ask him to help you find your hope again. He will” (The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 286).

No matter what we are going through, the intentional reminder of the faithfulness of God will carry on with strength…and His loving favor can and will restore and redeem that which is not pleasant or tolerable from our past.

I am thankful for the Father who never lets me forget whose child I am…

A child who likes

 to be held….

 humming of praise, comfort, security, and remembrance as we rock softly…

our shared warmth…

the unity between us as we both fight the night together.

“HOPE” has become my new favorite four letter word!

There was a time when I felt like all hope was lost…there was no expectation of anything good anymore for me.

My life looked good…my kids were healthy, my husband was (and definitely still is) handsome and kind, I had a (and have) good job…unfortunately, all these “things” could be taken from me in an instant…

and I knew it.

With all I loved at risk where is the good, I asked?

I am a glass is half full person…definitely a positive thinker…a cheerleader at heart if you will. I have a friend that will get into a discussion about this that I find rather humorous:

I find this particular answer amusing–

It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it?

The reality is we can allow ourselves to be put into two categories if we so desire:

But, as my friend says, it’s still just a glass and

My cup went from half-full to half-empty….and I needed a refill badly!

In my quest, I stumbled into the open arms of One who offered me living water so I would no longer thirst…no matter how full the glass was!

In my discovery, as this water cleansed me as it filled me, a new sensation took hold:

How crazy is that?! I went from half-full, to half-empty, to overflowing suddenly!

It is important to note that my situation had not changed…but the inside of me did.

HOPE had returned!

I again began to expect good things to happen…even when bad things were swirling around me…

In this transformation, I am put in a place to share this incredible gift with others. I am often astounded that I am allowed to do what it is I do…

Last night, became another one of those moments.

I facilitate a grief support class called GriefShare ( www. griefshare.org ). For 28 weeks of the year, every year since 2011, I sit in a room with people from my community who have recently suffered a death in their lives or are struggling with a loved ones death that occurred either traumatically or years ago.

In this class I have walked beside grieving parents of children way too young to die, grieving children as they buried their precious parent, grieving spouses whose lives have been forever altered by the fragmented ripping away of the love of their life, grieving siblings who have lost the one they have known their entire lives, and more.

In this class I have met mothers whose children succumbed to suicide, fathers whose attempts at CPR failed when they came upon the lifeless body of their child, spouses that woke up to find their mate forever gone to them, families that struggle to understand car accidents that can steal a loved ones life, individuals that hate cancer as much as most hate the idea of an intruder invading a home and stealing all that is precious while destroying what remains, and so much more.

Where is their expectation of good?

How full is their glass?

This is what I do, week after week…I sit with them and listen. I have Kleenex available and Root Beer Barrel’s on the table.

Last night, I had 13 join me.

13:1 is a pretty significant ratio…with me on the top because their grief burden is

What do I do?

I offer the only thing I have…my new favorite four letter word

I am drenched in it.

It has been poured over me and into me…overflowing out of me…

When I think of all the pain and fear in this world, I think what can I do? I am but one person…

I think of those affected by Harvey and Irma…the families of 5 teenagers senselessly killed in a reckless driving accident in Kalamazoo, Michigan…those suffering from depression and lack of self worth…

My heart aches to comfort them.

Yet, I have HOPE.

When something is overflowing, what happens?

It spills out and keeps spreading until the source of water is turned off, right?

LIVING WATER DOES NOT GET TURNED OFF—INSTEAD, IT KEEPS FLOWING!

This HOPE that is in me will continue to spill out and spread…yes, I am one person but I am not alone in the battle against hopelessness!

Hebrews 10:23, therefore, speaks loudly to me and for me as I accept my responsibility to fight this battle for those who have been weakened by the warzone of loss, sickness, addiction, depression, and confusion!

To “unswervingly” do something means to stay firm…perhaps to be anchored into something so securely so we will not waiver nor be swayed….there will be NO DRIFTING!

That’s how I hang onto hope…I anchor into it…I grasp it with all I have…I cling to WHO I am rooted into that keeps me secure!!

I believe in the fulfillment of the promises made by God because He who promised them is faithful.

If you have HOPE, I dare you to share it!

I am like so many other working women who seem to have a lot going on at the same time. In fact, it feels like I am often juggling multiple balls in the air at once! They often look like my work schedule, my kids MULTIPLE activities schedule, my husbands travel schedule, my personal commitments, my personal RESPONSIBILITIES, my time spent with the Lord, my time spent with husband/kids/parents/friends…

Anybody else feeling my angst?

These are not BAD things…these are things in life that simply fill our day to day that must be attended to! Kids need to eat so therefore groceries need to be bought, etc…

As I come out of the summer and enter into the busyness of fall, I feel like I have learned a few things. I think I took an unplanned “hiatus” from thinking of all things

and focused on the present.

This did bring in some confusion as I do believe I lost my sense of direction and purpose for a bit but it did provide some clarity on a few key points for me:

What do I want?

and

What am I afraid of?

I heard a Joyce Meyer Podcast earlier this summer and she posed this thought:

“Just because that’s the way the world is DOES NOT mean that’s the way MY world is.”

That has fueled both those questions for me….what do I want and what am I afraid of that is keeping me from getting what I want?

I must interject and state that I believe the Lord has created me (and all of us) for a purpose to do something that He designed for us to do. We are created to be a part of the Body of Christ- all doing our part…So, the passions inside my soul are gifts from Him, the talents I have are gifts from Him to be used to serve Him, my dreams have come from my burning desire to be more and more like Christ.

The questions then, get asked once more: What do I want and what am I afraid of?

One of my biggest stressors is that I succumb to the pressure to be “everything to everybody” and that whatever it is I need to be doing needs to be done right now.

Frankly, my dear, that’s quite a heavy load that I have placed upon my own shoulders.

This had led to the demise of my Juggling Act:

I have been exceptionally busy these last few weeks thanks to the start of the school year. I was doing pretty well- I definitely looked like I had all things held together and balanced. I even convinced myself of my great skill at keeping all the balls in the air!

So, I did what came natural, and added one more ball.

Why not, right?

That didn’t work out so well.

In my effort to keep things moving smoothly, and looking good on the outside, I added one too many things to my already full plate and overloaded my brain with details.

Want to know what happened??

It was a simple task…take keys out of ignition, pick up phone, get out of car, and lock the door…this is one task I do hundred times a day it seems! It is one task that makes all the tasks get done smoothly and on time!

OOPS.

You know that feeling I am talking about? As soon as the darn car door shuts you feel it deep in your stomach…

Yup. Through the window, I saw it all so clearly…my keys and phone sitting next to each other on the console…inside the locked car.

WHOOSH! The balls I was juggling fell!

I actually dropped one!

Shock! Horror! Amazement- yes, I am truly human! I am NOT perfect! I DO NOT have it all together!

I was NOT going to get where I needed to be on time.

I was NOT going to “get over this quick” and return to my normal organized self- I was going to continue to drop these balls the rest of the night!

It was time for the balls to come down so my arms could rest finally.

This was NOT a huge deal…my goodness, could it have ever turned into one though! A few years ago, this would have been a major crisis that wrecked my weekend and not just an incident that rattled my cage a bit.

Do you know how much pressure there is to be everything to everyone all the time???

As embarrassed as I was, borrowing a phone from a stranger to call my husband for help and then having to wait for his time table to be able to provide me that help while I helplessly watched time pass knowing a complete stranger  was waiting for me to drop something off to her and had no idea why I set up an appointment to only stand her up, I chose to NOT let it define me.

Later, when my scatterbrain behavior continued causing me to totally leave someone behind that I was supposed to drive somewhere, I almost felt like a failure.

You know what?

I am not a failure.

I am a normal human being who makes mistakes.

The freedom gained in making those mistakes completely took the pressure off from the desire to pick up those dang balls and begin juggling again!

What am I afraid of?

“The World” says we need to have it all together, be organized, be all we can be, to be a

MY WORLD is something different….and that difference lightens my load!

What I want is to follow Christ, to live in His image, to do what He will have me to…to do so, all I need to do is to believe in Jesus, to continue to get to know Him, and to trust Him.

In Jesus, I find grace that covers my faults.

In Jesus, I find strength to overcome my weaknesses.

In Jesus, I find someone to help me carry my burdens.

In Jesus, I find hope….peace…and rest.

In Jesus, I can do all things.

In Jesus, I am enough.

In Jesus, I am loved.

In Jesus, I can love.

We sang a beautiful song over our Summer Retreat with my youth group that I want to share at the end of this blog. It resonates in my mind and I find I hum it continually. The chorus states my truth:

We have found our hope…

We have found our peace…

We have found our rest…

In the One who loves…

He will light our way…

He will lead us home…

As we offer all to the One who saves us…

Even in my juggling, I have found peace and rest…His name is Jesus.

2 Corinthians 12:10 writes “for when I am weak, then I am strong”. 
It certainly is paradoxical thinking but we can be empowered by God to “live WITH your weakness but not IN weakness” if we choose to believe in Him.
Totally our choice: be empowered in our circumstance that we cannot control,change,comprehend OR be entrapped by all the above.  The option isn’t always a simple removal of what is happening – we, most times, are required to live in the midst of it. 
Choose wisely, then,  I’d say.

I find one of the greatest ironies of life to be the issue of taking a nap. As parents, we fight HARD for our children to take afternoon naps. They are growing so fast that rest is essential to their well-being, right?

Kids, on the other hand, DO NOT AGREE with this logic! Daily nap-time can quickly turn a household into a war zone- mine certainly did!

I am an RN and chose to work the Night Shift in the early years of motherhood. This meant that nap-time was as much for me as it was for my son! I NEEDED him to have a daily routine of napping – even if I was working that night or not! I NEEDED him to have that routine of napping no matter where he was or who was watching him that day. This required my grandmother’s to be on board with my system when they were spending the day with him as well!

Needless to say, he did not want to sleep just because I wanted to sleep!

* Don’t even get me started about what happened when my second, more strong-willed, we-don’t-call-him-The Young Master-for-no-reason, son came into the picture!

Right or wrong, it became a battle of wills in our home!

The more desperate I became, the more difficult the battle!

These were NOT the fun times of parenting!

The irony is, as an adult, I WOULD GIVE MY RIGHT ARM FOR A NAP ON MOST DAYS! The reality is that my son is going to figure that out for himself the older he becomes!

My sons are basically teenagers now (14 and 12)…the youngest, The Young Master, who fought the hardest (and won unfortunately) in the “nap war” likes to sleep in until almost noon when he can now…how ironic. The oldest chooses to go to bed early just because he is tired…

Pure irony.

You can’t tell me our God doesn’t have a sense of humor!

The truth is, as an adult, I am tired. YOU are tired. We are all a bunch of tired grown-ups walking around wondering where OUR nap-time went!

I am no different than many of you: I am way too busy! I write about it, I complain about it, I rewrite my calendar because of it…there is no reason to list my reasons or to try to justify it – my “busy” may look different than yours but that does not mean yours is not just as valid!

Let’s decide to agree on that and leave it there- we are all busy people!

The one thing I MAY be doing different than you is why I am blogging today: I am learning to seriously pray about my busyness and to trust God with it.

I am learning to no longer ask God to remove my busyness from me or to clear my schedule for me! I am choosing to no longer feel ashamed because of my busyness as if it means I am doing something wrong!

For so many years, I felt being busy was bad. In fact, at the first sign of feeling overwhelmed by my (usually self-inflicted) crowded schedule, I would quit something. In my teens, I dropped activities. As an adult, I dropped working hours or cancelled on commitments.

In times of stress, I have been encouraged to “not burn the candle at both ends”,  to slow down, or told that I can’t do everything or do not need to do everything– as if “everything” was what I was trying to do. This made me feel embarrassed at how easily I overbooked my itinerary or how often I desired to step in and do something somewhere or for someone.

I have frequently adopted an attitude of shame and weakness in those times of busyness.

Am I alone in that thinking?

I have taken my calendar to the Lord in prayer and have begged Him to show me where I have gone wrong, what can I drop, what is truly important. I have clung to Scriptures telling me to be wise of my time and to make the most of every opportunity…hoping a release would come and give me a break.

I suffer from nightmares just as the Proverb says “being too busy gives you nightmares”.

I have sought counsel and have been told it is “ok” to take a break and wait until a “better time” to do whatever it is on my heart to do.

You know what I have found? That “better” time never comes! In many cases, there is no better time to do something than at the time when you are thinking of doing it !

Life is not going to slow down. Period.

We have entered into the teenage years as parents and now have a Freshman in high school living under our roof. That means he will graduate high school in FOUR years! I have only FOUR years of him living in our daily influence and protection left….after that, he gets to make many of his own choices based on what kind of influence we have instilled into him and his heart by our godly examples.

This means Varsity Cross Country, marching band, parades, dances, home work projects, college prep planning, youth group activities, acts of service…

To put it mildly, I am a chauffer…

That is until he begins to drive himself…

(I believe this is what it will look like when your baby starts to drive but how you feel may look more like this…

…I am only surmising for now since I still have some time)

Let’s face it…I need rest IN my circumstances not a removal of my circumstances so I can rest.

See the difference?

Frankly, this thought has completely lifted a burden off of my shoulders and totally changed the way I pray!

I had previously shared this verse:

Contextually speaking, Moses had ALOT going on! He was the chosen leader to guide the people (2,000,000 people and I am guiding 2…give or take a few activities I am involved in) to the Promised Land.

The Israel nation had been in captivity as slaves for over 400 years. In that time, they had forgotten who Yahweh was to them. So, not only were they disoriented in their surroundings and insecure about their future they were also unsure about this God who had performed such amazing miracles that led to their flight from Egypt.

Moses wanted to know who was going to help him do this mighty task and who was going to go with him.

God’s response was that “I (God) will go with you and give you rest”. His response said all that Moses needed was going to be provided.

Upon reflecting on that simple verse, I cannot help but see that God is NOT lightening the load of Moses…instead He is promising Moses rest as he carries the load. God would be with him as Moses does the work set before him.

Interesting.

Another favorite verse is:

This does not indicate that the burden will be lifted…it clearly states that rest will be provided in the midst of whatever is happening that is burdening us as we turn to Christ…to choose to yoke with Him:

If I continue to believe that rest will only exist in the absence of my busyness then I am going to continue to be disappointed.

As I said, life is not going to slow down. There truly will always be something to either distract us or stress us…

I was browning 6 lbs. of ground beef the other day in preparation for a large meal at a camping trip planned  for this weekend when a beast from the devil (a mouse) decided to almost run over my foot as I cooked in my kitchen! Talk about being stressed and distracted!!!! I had zero time for the paralyzing fear that overtook me at the sight of this “abomination”.

Let me interject with this truth: I.Hate.Mice.

There will always be a “mouse” coming out of nowhere to interrupt your well-designed plan! It looks like an illness that you did not plan for, a death that comes unexpectedly, a broken down car when you need to be in 100 places at once, a job loss when life felt secure, an unplanned pregnancy or miscarriage when all seemed to be moving forward in a pleasant fashion, a significant work or school assignment to be done during a very busy week…I could go on and on and on…

So, what do we do?

Do a clean sweep of our calendar? Feel ashamed that we are tired in the middle of all our activities? Feel pressure to perform at 100% no matter what and frequently beat ourselves up because that is simply not attainable all the time in all activities? Pray for a release? Cling to the promise of a vacation and then feel depressed when it is over because we are more tired than when we left?

Maybe we could try this instead:

• pray for God’s presence to go with us and give us rest in what we are doing
• pray for wisdom in our choices for today
• look for grace for today to get done what needs to be done today
• repeatedly call on the Lord for strength to endure and persevere our chosen path
• accept that in our weakness HE IS STRONGEST and let Him shine through us in this
• trust that God will provide a way to complete what it is He has in store for us

I look at my calendar and think that I must be crazy. What would make the most sense is to drop something. Yet, I do not feel led by the Spirit to do that…and trust me I am praying fervently to be shown what it is I need to be doing.

The more I look for an out, God brings me another activity…and the time and energy to complete it or be present for it…not always to solve it if it is a problem, but to at least be somewhat involved in some part of the process.

That makes me think of how I love the movie Hacksaw Ridge…In it, the lead character prayed “give me one more Lord, one more”…He ended up rescuing 75 souls with his own bloodied, weakened hands…with the presence and rest of the Lord going with him!

I pray that prayer…and God answers my willingness. When I question how are these things/people/needs/requests/opportunities continuing to cross my threshold, my husband reminds me of that request for one more.

It makes me busy….and I am already busy.

So…my prayer instead has become:Give me rest, please give me rest in the middle of all this…..

In the past, the Lord has provided a way to do all He has given me to do…I remember saying to my husband that I often felt like extra minutes were granted in an hour in order for me to do all that I had done…and even found time for a nap or to treat myself to a TV show on the busiest of days!

I am reminded to recall that and to know that

Today, I paid to begin my classes at Nazarene Bible College. In the middle of a crazy fall, I am choosing faith to provide the stamina to do what God has called me to do.

I willingly picked up an extra shift at work at the end of one of the busiest weeks I have had in a long time…I was granted that day off unexpectedly today. ..what a day of rest from the Lord!

My Jesus Always devotion for August 24 wrote with the author’s perspective of Jesus speaking that “I know the depth and breadth of your weariness. Nothing is hidden from Me. There is a time to keep pushing yourself – when circumstances require it – and a time to rest….I approve of you and I approve of rest. When you relax in My Presence, trusting in My finished work on the cross, both you and I are refreshed. ”

Not at any point does there say in the absence of busyness or strenuous activity I will give you rest… it is in His presence that our rest is found.

Give me rest? Jesus answers with an emphatic YES…but I need to take it from His outstretched hand.

Ponder this verse for awhile…

More on it soon….

I have a special tree that holds a special part of my heart as it blossoms in my back yard. I have often shared the story of that tree, but I figured I would share the story here tonight.

You see tonight -August 18- is a bittersweet date for me. If you read this blog from the beginning, you have read about my husband’s sister who died. This is the anniversary date of that…technically just after midnight on the 19th is the official date. But, 8 years ago tonight, I held the hand of my best friend and sister for the last time…wondering how the events of those last few weeks had even happened that left me in this place of saying a forever good-bye.

As I have shared before, 8 years and 1 month ago my life looked completely different than the woman writing this today.

8 years and 1 month ago I believed that change could happen even if you did not do anything to change….or that things did not necessarily need to change. I held tightly to what I did not want changed.

Holding tightly to her hand would not keep the inevitable from happening…so I began to let go that night. I kissed her hand and went home to await the call that would come telling us she was gone. She passed away with her parents on each side of her.

Dee became the sister I always wanted! Dan adored her and I quickly saw why when I met her for the first time over 20 years ago. She was pregnant with her first born son and was studying to become a nurse. She was strong and funny and knew what she wanted in life.

She came to love me after she let me fall in love with her first born….I was enamored with that child from the moment I met him! The bond between he and I led to me to being able to live with her and her precious little family for the few months that preceded my marriage to her brother.

That family closeness led to frequent family dinners, fun weekend nights, and the invite into the delivery room for her next two children’s births…

Her strength and sense of self silenced us when we began to question her behavior…

I will live with the choice of that silence for the rest of my days.

I had an opportunity to ask her if she recognized me while she was somewhat coherent in the hospital in those final days. I believe she nodded yes. I leaned in close and touched our foreheads together and asked her to assure me that she knew I loved her. She nodded ever so slightly.

On our final night together, we watched TV holding hands.

I wish it was something bigger or better than that. I wish I had said something profound. I wish so many things…but instead, she laid in the hospital bed incoherent and I sat in the recliner pushed close to the bed; her pale jaundiced swollen hand in mine all tan from a summer of camping.

Time stood still.

It feels still again tonight as I choose to remember this.

I have no memory of the drive home that night but I remember being in bed with my husband, her brother, when the call from his parents came. I stayed home with our young children while he left to go to her side.

We have never talked about that experience for him.

I went to the kitchen and remember sitting on the floor near my door wall to the back yard…it was done; but nothing was finished.

I was completely alone in my heartbreak that night. Dan was alone in his. His parents clung to each other.

I had said good bye but could not accept that this was how our story was going to end….with no resolution…with no repair…with no healing.

My beautiful, strong willed, red-haired, fair skinned, dancing partner, Prince loving, Pat B singing, fun time having, advice giving sister was gone…is gone.

My journey from then until now has been long and difficult while full of many blessings…but those blessings did not get revealed for quite some time and the pain was intense instead.

In January of 2010 I went to a GriefShare class that I had seen advertised at a Christmas Eve service…the encounter with Christ and the healing provided by Him when I chose to receive it occurred in those weeks of class.

Time stood still at her death, but life forever changed when hope entered my heart again because of Jesus Christ. There is no other explanation to it than that. I was changed and, 8 years later, am still a fervent believer in the healing comfort of Jesus.- this was not a Band-Aid on my wound or fad. I am a new creation in Christ.

In the class, we were encouraged to have forward thinking…what could we do to remember our loved one? what could we do to continue their legacy?

I struggled heavily with this….what could I do to show my love for her?

I desperately wanted to have something as alive as she had been…but a memorial garden seemed impersonal and other ideas fell flat. I really desired something she had touched…

In a dream one night an idea came to me.

She and her husband bought this little house with a cute little back yard. In that back yard they decided to landscape using the meager means budgeted for the task. That meant anything they purchased and planted would be small and would require years to grow or mature. That particular day was a blip of a memory and yet I suddenly recalled the Rose of Sharon that she had planted and remembered exactly where it was planted in the yard.

Now, I am no tree hugger. I have no green thumb. Yet, somehow, I remembered this tree. She picked it out, she bought it, she dug the hole for it to go into the ground, and she planted it. She watered it and waited for it to grow, hoping and believing that it would.

It was less than a foot off the ground when it went into her yard that day…we are talking a baby tree! But, I remembered it…and I knew I needed to have it. I needed what she had touched and cared for to be my own.

I told my husband, who was nowhere near the man he is today, about my need to have this tree…and he simply said “ok”.

Thank God this man does not think I am crazy! Or, at least, doesn’t mind me being crazy at times!

We put out two kids into the trailblazer and headed to her house that had long since been closed up in foreclosure. Frankly, we had no idea if it was being occupied by anybody on the rainy early afternoon we showed up…we had no clue what we would find and really did not care.

I needed that tree and I was beginning to think that God had told me to go get it.

It was the first time I had been to that house in a long time…it was empty and locked up with the back yard grass very overgrown. The swing set looked rusty and neglected, the sand box was overgrown with weeds. The patio area where we sat as couples dreaming of the future while her son ran around was no longer visible thanks to the  ground cover gone wild.

But there was the tree.

It had grown to be about 6 feet tall or so and was fairly narrow. Being April, the ground was soft with the spring thaw and Dan quickly went to work digging the tree out of the ground.

We left our sons locked in the trailblazer in the front yard…not wanting to try to explain what we were doing and why this house at this time.

As Dan dug, I wandered and cried at the visualization of my feelings…empty, desolate, abandoned, disarray, ill-repair, absent of life.

In my wandering, I went to the tree outside her bedroom window and remembered how she liked that particular tree…looking into it I saw the wind chime she enjoyed listening to hanging from a branch. I gently took that from the tree and have kept it like the treasure it was.

As I looked at the ground, watching my step, I saw two pieces of cement sitting by the house. Upon close inspection, I realized they were stepping stones she had made with her very hands of her children’s hand and foot prints- their names carved into the stone with multi colored pebbles scattered for artistic effect. I gathered those close to my chest and cried in disbelief of the gifts I was getting on this day.

We watched for the neighbors to come out and ask us what we were doing…no one came. We watched for the police to come to assess for trespassing or theft…no one came.

Dan filled in the hole very neatly and we carried the tree to our car.

My son’s have very intact memories of that tree being squeezed between their car seats as it was a little bigger than we thought once the roots were dug out!

Not one person in the neighborhood questioned what we were doing that day.

When we got home we put that 6 foot tree into a place in our back yard where I could see it from my kitchen and dining room. When I sit on my back deck, it is in full view.

I placed her stepping stones at the base of the tree and the wind chime hung on a low branch.

Then, we waited to see if it would survive the transplant. I was told that there was no way it could possibly live, that it was too traumatic to dig a tree up in the spring and relocate it.

Dee’s birthday is in August as is the anniversary of her death. That darn tree bloomed its first bloom that very first August- only a few months after the replanting!

It blooms every year while getting bigger and bigger!!

It grows. It is alive.

Against the odds, it survived and has evolved into something more beautiful than I ever imagined! I did not know what kind of tree it was when we dug it up that day, I did not know it needed full sun to grow, I did not know it would bloom in August…I just knew I needed it and I needed it to live.

It is still a metaphor for her…beautiful, surprising, strong…it has become a metaphor for me too…a survivor, perhaps beautiful in my transplant as well.

My heart aches in disbelief and wonder every August when I see that first bloom. I know what it means and still struggle to accept that this is our new reality…that I will never hear her laugh at life again…

I smile at that tree and feel Dee is smiling at me through it while God lovingly winks at me through each bloom.

To me, mountains are HUGE! They represent something gigantic that cannot be moved… a secure force perhaps.

At times, different analogies offer mountains as a metaphoric symbolism towards something we battle, something that is difficult for us to face….

something “David v  Goliath”-esque.

This time, though, with this verse, I am thinking of things that contrast the normal perspective…

Picture with me that thing in your life that offers stability…security…consistency…

Can you see it?

Is it your health? Your relationships (such as with a spouse, parent, child, or friend)? Could it be your career? Is it possibly the way in which you view your world?

Now, picture that mountain shaking…

For me, that mountain had looked like job security (longevity and loyalty matters, right? Nope. Not to big business.)

It looked like relationships can be healed and the sick get well…nope.

8 years ago this month my sister in law died of liver and kidney failure at the age of 41 while our relationship was in complete disarray.

At her death, my solid view of the world shattered as well:

Our choices have consequences and sometimes those consequences can cost us everything.

In some of your lives those mountains look like a marriage that should last long into your eighties and yet a disease is threatening that certainty….or it has already obliterated the dream of that reality and you are facing life as a widow or widower.

In some, it may be that your children will take care of you as you age…and they won’t even talk to you, let alone be available for any assistance that you can count on or trust. Or, they have gone against the natural order of life and have surpassed you in death.

A mountain can be a dream for your future that seemed to be in your grasp and you feel it slipping through your fingers- no matter how hard you try to hang onto it.

Those are definitely shaking mountains.

When Mt. Saint Helen exploded it blew off one whole side:

That looks to me like a hill being removed…

As a nurse, I think of examples of this as a significant change in mobility, creeping blindness due to macular degeneration, severe life alteration from diabetes,  a colostomy after a bowel obstruction, uncontrollable weight gain from thyroid disease or polycystic ovaries…

As a  mother it is the impact onto my existence due to others life choices. I have no control over what my children will become or who will impact them when I am not watching…all I can do is influence them to the best of my abilities and leave them in God’s hands.

As a wife,  I have no control over my husband’s choices…he travels for his job, frequently flying and driving in unknown areas. I cannot “make him” go see a doctor if he does not feel well…I cannot make him go to the dentist for routine maintenance…I cannot make him quit watching Sharknado with our kids-lol!

When I got married, I believed in true love…love conquers anything…our love will see us through…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!

When we vow “in good times and in bad”,  we have NO IDEA how bad things can get- from things in our control and many things from outside of it!  We have no idea how we will respond as a couple or as individuals to a death in the family, an illness, or a job loss until that experience crosses our threshold.

It wasn’t LOVE that got us through, it was the commitment to our marriage and the vows we made to each other that got us through those dark days of screaming, crying, throwing things, embittered silence, extreme insecurity and jealousy, or veiled threats to leave ( I know I am not speaking only for myself here)!

Now, as we have come into the Light, it is purely the forgiving grace and unmerited mercy of God that we received as individuals that binds us together as a couple! It is the love of God for US that holds us together because, SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK AND NOT A JOB TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY OR TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED! THERE IS NO DAY OFF….THERE IS NO SLACKING…If you decide to “take a break”  or ease off the throttle a bit, there may not be a marriage to return to…. Talk about a hill being removed if you are not careful…

As a woman with big dreams, the removal of opportunities and advancement while watching the success of others has been difficult.

The shaking of our stability (the mountains) and the removal of the hills (our health, relationships, or future plans) is out of our control and is often painful.

I do not like it any more than anyone else!

The promise in the scripture says that the love of God will NOT be shaken or moved even as these other seemingly immovable things in our lives are…As the mountains are shaking and the hills are being removed (take away) God’s perfect, faithful love and all encompassing peace will stay constant.

In spite of the pain.

In spite of the suffering.

In spite of the uncertainty.

In spite of the sudden left turn that life has thrown at us.

Being in a relationship with the Lord is not living a life in the absence of those things that threaten our stability and security…it is finding security in the ONE STABILTY that is offered and unchanging in the MIDST OF OUR TRIALS AND WAVERING.

I’ll take it.

When doubts fill my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

Who doesn’t need that Word in the morning??