Author: thischicksinpeace

Psalm 86 has held a special place in my heart as a prayer to speak while reading…verse 11-13 is especially poignant : 

Teach me Your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to Your truth! Grant me purity of heart, that I may honor You. With all my heart I will praise You, I Lots my God. I will give glory to Your name forever, for Your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death!

Help me to know how to live, how to have a pure heart, and desire to praise You…

What else is there to do for One who saved me?

Good times, hard times, mountain top experiences, or a plateau all impact our faith and approach to God.

In the NLT, a study note is written that states ” growing strong in God’s presence is often preceded by a journey through barren places in our lives. The person who loves to spend time with God will see his or her adversity as an opportunity to RE-EXPERIENCE (my emphasis ) God’s faithfulness. If you are walking through your own Valley of Weeping (vs 6) today, don’t give up- God IS FAITHFUL and will see you through to the other side.”

My desire, in adversity, is to see things as an opportunity to learn and grow. That perspective empowers me and moves me forward!

The alternative perspective puts me into a helpless role that creates a painful trap that I struggle to get out of…it is lined with barbed wires labeled “regret”, “why didn’t I…”, ” If only…”, shame, fear, insignificance, “why me”…

I prefer to feel empowered!

The choice is mine to make-and it is yours as well!

Jesus has come so we can have life to the FULL…abundant life…because He loved us enough to die for us to have it.

He did not lay His life down for us to limit our choices…to be a damper on a party…to put a cap to all you can do or all you can be…He came to give you life, a real life.

This is what He tells us in His map-the Bible…this is His voice that speaks to us to tell us where to go and what to do. If we are not paying attention to where our guidance is being given we will miss His directions and become lost, lied to, and abandoned by the thief who came to destroy us.

We suddenly go back to the concept of rewards versus consequences…that what we do NOW has an impact LATER.

This conclusion blog brings me to the personal topic of maintaining the status quo… Suddenly, we go back to the concept of rewards versus consequences.

 “Status quo”  is defined as the “existing state of affairs”….keeping things the way they are…maintaining a state of normalcy. Examples of living life this way are:

• Don’t rock the boat
• Don’t make waves
• Play it safe
• Keep your nose clean

Most of us might say that that sounds kind of boring doesn’t it?

It certainly  doesn’t sound like “abundant living” does it? But, I would imagine it sounds like being a “goody two shoes”…sounds like what a “Christian” should look like maybe? Clean living, not making a scene, not being reckless…

We, and most others who don’t know our Lord well, often forget that that was NOT Jesus AT ALL! As Christians, we are to follow Him, we are to be like Him…and HE WAS A REVOLUTIONARY.

Jesus most definitely rocked the boat- He made HUGE waves and then He either walked on the or calmed them by a mere word!

Jesus ticked people off and challenged their thinking continuously- didn’t we just talk about Him calling the religious leaders a bunch of sheep??

Jesus flipped over tables.

He hung out with His friends continuously for 3 entire years.

Jesus made people so angry and unnerved that He was KILLED for it.

 BUT Jesus loved those who Him like NO ONE HAD BEFORE and THAT legacy of life changing love LITERALLY changed the world and keeps changing the world today.

He was in NO WAY a representative of maintaining the “status quo”.

The reality is, that although the status quo sounds “boring” I think it is a world in which we are far too comfortable living in…we are just blind to it. Like Jesus said, we have no idea what it is we are seeing that is right in front of us.

What do I mean?

We may say we want to not “play it safe” and we aren’t afraid “to make waves” but what are we doing that is so different from those around us that make us appear so different from anyone else?

I used to want to “just fit in”. It started in middle school and was perfected in high school.

I wanted to have someone to sit with on the bus….preferably that they would ask me to sit with them.

I wanted to feel like I belonged at any table in the lunch room.

I wanted people to like me…to be proud of me.

The truth is that “standing out” does not exactly help one “fit in”.

I began to compromise my values, opinions, priorities, and beliefs in order to fit it and be liked very  slowly at first.

It may have started with the language I used- when I was with my friends only, of course, did I let the curse words slip.

It probably increased to certain movie choices I suddenly began wanting to watch.

I watched TV shows that I quickly changed the channel of when my parents came in the room because I knew they would not approve.

I stopped going to church when my parents were no longer “making” me go.

I stopped praying before dinner.

I stopped reading my Bible.

My “status quo” suddenly became all about me. How can I fit in? Who is talking to me or about me? What can I do next? Who can I use to get me there?

My status quo brought me to a place in my life where my needs and my desires were all that mattered…

And they left me feeling insecure, jealous, frustrated, not good enough because I was always comparing myself to others and seeing where I fell short.

I remind myself of the earlier verse:

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 ²³“I have the right to do anything,” you say-but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”-but not everything is constructive. ²⁴No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

Living for myself, maintaining a “normalcy” that allowed me to fit in and not stand out caused me to feel empty after time. The inside of me was chaotic. I tried to stay busy, have lots of friends, travel, shop…I seemed to have it “all” at one point: good job, money, house, handsome husband, two kids and a dog…it looked all good on the outside…

But it did not feel like “enough”. I wanted more. And I felt like I was less.

The status quo, maintaining “normalcy, fitting in…was NOT abundant living. I think, no- I know, I fell for the liar who snuck into my sheepfold the sneaky easy way and whispered in my ear in a voice that I thought I could trust…and he tried to destroy my life just like Jesus said he would do over 2000 years ago.

Turning to Jesus at a point of when nothing seemed to matter anymore was what saved my life and changed my family’s future.

Choosing to not only LOVE God but to also KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS has put me into a place in my life that says “I CAN do all things” because it is Christ who strengthens me. I have a hope for a future that I never have had before.

I have stopped limiting what God is capable of doing and have realized that if He can raise His friend Lazarus from the dead, if He can make a blind man see, if He can calm a storm, if He can walk on water, if He can change a murderer into the biggest Jesus freak of all time (Paul of course!), if He can choose to lay down on the cross, take the beatings, take the abuse, take the rejection of His friends, choose to die a horrific, suffocating, excruciatingly painful death and then RISE AGAIN three days later, reveal HIMSELF to HUNDREDS of people , and THEN –in front of witnesses- ascend into Heaven….then I think He IS the God of the impossible and can do anything including take care of little ole me.

Life is so much more than living the status quo. Life is so much more than limiting your capabilities and possibilities. Life is so much more than wasting today because you think tomorrow will be better-you will be older, wiser, have more money…these are all excuses to put off until tomorrow what can be done today.

A lot in my life has changed since I decided to live for Jesus. The biggest is that I live life to the fullest now and try to take every possible opportunity to do what I can that I believe the Lord desires me to do. I dream bigger dreams of accomplishing things that I never dared think about when I was younger and scared.

At the end of my day (my NOW), at the end of my life (my LATER)- I want to say this as boldly as I can-

John 10:11 says that Jesus came to give us abundant life…when we are given something, it becomes our choice whether we take it from Him or not. You can have the fullest life you can imagine while living what appears to be a normal life in an every day town.

You do NOT have to settle for the status quo living, you do NOT have to compromise who you are, what you believe to fit in, you do NOT have to believe the lie that says you are too young, too old, weak, ugly, broken, that you will never accomplish all you want, that your dreams are silly, that what you are good at doesn’t matter, that making “good money” is what will make you happy and is the ultimate goal…

You can CHOOSE life at any time. You can choose to follow your Shepherd that will keep you safe. You can listen to His voice that will never put you in harm’s way.

You can change your direction, your sense of purpose at any time… You can talk to your Shepherd at any time and learn to listen to His voice. You can choose to live life recklessly by following the revolutionary Himself-Jesus Christ!

 Believing in Jesus is one thing…living for Jesus is EVERYTHING.

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The discussion has been ongoing about the proper balance between seeing things far away and up close. It is important to live within an appropriate balance of viewing life:  knowing that our LATER is coming while living in the NOW with accurately remembering the PAST.

We move forward by looking forward.  Being stuck or staying still in this particular stage of life is not a healthy option- we do age and life, unfortunately, does carry on.  To move forward, it is important to glance back at our past to see where we have come from-not stare at it continually, analyzing every choice or action because looking back too much always keeps you from moving forward.

     What we do NOW has an impact on what we do, who we become and what happens LATER.

What we do now reaps a harvest of reward/blessings later OR consequences later.

Absolutely no pressure with that kind of thinking, is there?

How many plug the address into Google Maps and the little magical voice tells you where  and when to turn so you can get to where you are going?

That voice is super important isn’t it?? Don’t we even turn down the volume on the radio to hear her better? Don’t people stop talking in the car so they can pay closer attention to that exact moment of when to turn?

I also like the part of my phone GPS that shows the picture of when to turn and which direction even if that turn is not going to happen for twenty more miles, I still like to know I need to be thinking about a lane change!

To maneuver through unfamiliar territory, on a journey you have never been on, it is good to have that little voice and/or written direction…isn’t it?

Well…aren’t we lucky to have a “little voice” and a “map” to help us while we travel through our own lives trying to get to the end of our destination- our life journey!

What do you think they are?

and the

My question must be, then, when on a trip what good are voice instructions and a map if we refuse to use them?

For those who like to live on the wild side and “just wing it” when going places, I must add that I do recognize that we do get lucky sometimes and get to where we are going without instructions.

          BUT  is “luck” something you are willing to chance when you really need to get somewhere?

Many people do refuse to use the tools provided that will make their journey easier and more enjoyable… if you have survived a road trip with this type of personality- more power to you! Arguments can quickly heat up in these circumstances!

There is an unfortunate saying that “men don’t stop to ask directions”…. most urban myths have to start somewhere so I assume the same can be said with this quote!

I learned this first hand when I took a 2 week road trip with my parents when I was 16-we were looking at colleges while driving to South Carolina to see my brother graduate from the Army boot camp before moving on to Tennessee for some “family fun”. Two weeks: just me and my parents.

Two weeks people.

Two weeks in motels (not hotels, but motels): “are you sure this is the right one, David? Why don’t you ask David? I told you to ask someone David. Amy, see how your dad doesn’t listen to me-you tell him to ask someone if this is the right place”. No internet, no cell phones, no GPS…they used maps and road signs as we maneuvered through the twisty- turns of the Smoky Mountains …

Again I say…with my parents only. Me….my mom…and my dad…when I was 16.

Good times. LOTS of memories- not all bad and most we can laugh about now!

Thankfully, we have a ‘map’ right in front of us, at our fingertips even, and yet the Bible is as overlooked as something that provides instruction as my dad seeking out directions. It is not seen as “good” reading material or something that can be understood or useful. It’s seen as complicated. Boring. Long. Hard to understand. Not pertinent to living in today’s world.

We also have a “little GPS voice” -the Holy Spirit-  to prompt us to do good, to watch out, to “stay away from there”, to tell us we are loved, that says we are enough, that we are good, that assures us we are wanted and needed just as we are. But this voice is being silenced by the sounds that are all around us crowding it out.

Sounds like we can be travelling with a lot of potentially “lost” people, doesn’t it?

Sounds to me like we could easily get lost ourselves if we can’t hear the directions or see the map.

What happens when you get lost on a trip or in some unfamiliar area?

• Panic sets in, anxiety, fear
• People get angry or irritated-arguing begins
• Chaos ensues when people begin to wander aimlessly, lost, or with no purpose

Being lost does not sound fun.

In Part 2, this verse was shared-

Ephesians 1:18 I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the wonderful future for which He has called you.

“SO THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE WONDERFUL FUTURE FOR WHICH HE-GOD– HAS CALLED YOU TO”

That sounds like the opposite of lost and wandering aimlessly!

Jesus tried to explain to those that were following Him how lost people are because they do not know God the Father. He called them blind but the saddest thing about it was that the  people did not know it. He called them sheep without a shepherd but without having a clue that they were lost.

The religious people in His day thought they had all the answers; they thought they knew all they needed to know.

In our day of 24/7 internet, we have that instant gratification of knowledge at the tip of our fingertips to give us information, and ye there are many who think that they too know all they need to know…there is a belief that the Bible doesn’t have anything new in it to tell them…that their parents or teachers don’t have anything of importance to tell them…that I don’t have anything to tell you…Many think that although you may go to church or school or are well read  but you don’t have to really listen…what do you possibly have to learn after all?

In John 10, Jesus explains that HE is the voice (the shepherd) that His people (His sheep) recognize and follow Him. That those who KNOW Him will not follow any other because they KNOW HIM as the ONE who gathers His flock to Him and keeps them safe.

That made no sense to the religious leaders.

It makes no sense to many people today either.

Jesus tried again to explain Himself by saying that there are those who try to sneak around, to take the easy hidden way, to get the sheep (people) to trust them. They will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate to convince those that will listen to follow them instead of their shepherd-the one who keeps them safe.

Those that know the shepherds voice, they stand strong in their pen. They stand strong in their persecution. They stand strong in their oppression. They stand strong in their fear, their anxiety, their insecurities…why? Because they know the voice of their shepherd-the One that keeps them safe.

Then there are those who don’t recognize the shepherd…the sad thing is-these sheep are living where they should know Him plain as other’s  know me to be my son’s mom (he is a mini-me in boy form)…but they are confused or conflicted about who to follow: their shepherd or this other one who looks and sounds pretty good.

This is happening in our  lives today-we have our Shepherd trying to give us instruction and then we have the “other voice” creeping in trying to tell us something different.

This voice tells us:

    We are ugly.

    We are stupid.

    We don’t matter.

    No one will love us.

    We will never succeed.

   Our kids will make the same mistakes we made no matter what.

    We will never be happy.

John 10:11-13 the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ¹¹“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. ¹²The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. ¹³The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.

Jesus has come so we can have life to the FULL…abundant life… He loved us enough to die for us to have it.

We can CHOOSE life at any time. We can choose to follow our Shepherd that keeps us safe. We can listen to His voice that will never put us in harm’s way.

Believing in Jesus is one thing…living for Jesus is EVERYTHING.

Have you ever worn someone else’s prescription glasses before and found the vision clarity to be super fuzzy?? Now, I know that sometimes you can borrow a friend’s pair of glasses and they will work out “ok” for a little while,  but most of the time their prescription will hurt your eyes because the balance of vision is specific to each individual person.

That is how the balance of the NOW and LATER (even the PAST) is for people-it is individual. What works for me is not necessarily what is going to work for you.

In Part 1, we discussed viewing life with a balanced perspective of the present and the future, so I guess we need to discuss what happens if you only think about the past.

  What would happen if the balance of thinking shifted to focusing on “the way things USED to be” for the greater majority of life perspective?

I think it would be like not wearing my corrected lenses at all.

My vision will ultimately worsen where I can no longer clearly see what is in front of me because of the constant eye strain harming my vision and, since I already struggle with seeing far away as it is,  I certainly won’t be able to see what is ahead of me with any improvement…

Sometimes, unfortunately, the way things used to be was actually BETTER than how things are…or it seemed like it anyhow. Mom and Dad may have been married still back then. Grandma or Grandpa was still alive. Your spouse  had a better paying job or a job that kept them from traveling as often as they are. You “fit in” better when you were at a certain age or had more friends than you seem to have now. You weren’t the current dress size you are now. Your child did not have addiction issues or bullying issues then.

Who wouldn’t want to think about better times? I get it, trust me.

To challenge our thought process let’s think about a car…the front wind shield is huge as is the back window-right? But the rearview mirror is pretty small, isn’t it?

For those that drive we know that it is not in our best interest to back up while looking forward, correct? Those of us who do not have a car with one of those handy little cameras know we  should  turn our heads around and use our mirrors.

So, to move backward (into the past so to speak) we need to focus on what is behind us, right?

To MOVE FORWARD, however, you need to look FORWARD with only glances back in the mirror or over your shoulder.

Follow me?

If we look only backward into our past, no matter how good or bad it was, we will ultimately begin moving backwards directionally…

As an RN, I tell my post anesthesia patients to keep their eyes on where they want to go because their body will follow wherever they are looking. If they look down to their feet, which is the normal response, they will ultimately fall. But, if they keep their eyes up on the doorway or the path in front of them they will reach their destination.

In this case of living in the “remember when’s” of life,  we won’t mature, we won’t grow, we won’t adapt, and we won’t change as the scenery changes around us.

The harsh reality of life is that we will never be able to redo our past or UNDO our past so to focus on it ONLY is not healthy…

We need to look forward to move forward into the future. We have to be in the NOW while knowing the LATER is coming.

The truth may be that your past may be extremely significant to who you have become today…so glancing at it more frequently will be important for you to move forward.

However, your past may be extremely negative to who you are today (sometimes we have ugliness in our lives that looks like abuse, addiction, affairs, or bullying)…glancing at it less often may be important for you to move forward.

As I wrote above,  the balance of the NOW and LATER (even the PAST) is unique to the individual.

 My reality tells me that I am older than some of you, so I naturally have more experiences to recall for analogies. Also, God is really using my past experiences to encourage other people so I find I am looking into my “rear view mirror” a lot lately. Thankfully, He has brought me far enough along His path of peace that I am not harmed by my past memories any longer so the time spent in reflection is uncomfortable but not damaging.

Depending on what God calls you to do in service to Him with your life skills will also determine how forward thinking you need to be.  As a nurse, I think about “steps down the road” where health is concerned. If you are asthmatic and it is hot outside, I think ahead about the potential for an asthma attack. A teacher will be focused similarly in that he/she builds on each lesson with a focus to reach the end goal of learning at the end of each semester.

Ironically, God also tends to keep certain things in our lives more clouded than an algorithm can neatly and efficiently solve. That cloudy veil tends to be about our future. The purpose of that, in case you wondered, is SO WE TRUST IN HIM AND NOT ON OUR OWN PLANS….

With His call on my life into ministry, God has me focusing totally on the here and NOW. I am a totally normal person so I want to know what I will do and when I will do it! He constantly pulls me back to whatever it is I am to do today– like teach, raise my children, be a supportive wife,  study His Word, write, and continue my job as an RN. All the while Christ is using and restoring every part of my past to teach others in my present and prepare me for my future in further service to Him.

In the meantime, here are some good things to remember:

          Romans 8:28 God uses ALL things for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (It is a conditional scripture- we need to love God for Him to be able to use all our good, bad, and ugly for HIS kind of good).

Proverbs 16:9 A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord determines His steps. (We have a choice to make in whether we follow what steps the Lord has for us…do we follow His plan for our future or go our own way?)

Ecclesiastes 7:10 Do not say “why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions. (Do we really know if they were any better anyhow? It all depends on what we choose to remember and how we choose to remember it.)

Ecclesiastes 11:4 If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done.(Sometimes we need to do things because it is the right thing to do whether we “feel” like it or not).

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (This does not leave any room for excuses does it?)

Ultimately, my prayer is

We all can probably admit that we know what we do NOW has an INFLUENCE on what happens LATER…right? One thing we learn as we get older is that there seems to be a relationship to what happens now and to what happens later…

Sometimes it is called a CONSEQUENCE. Other times it is called a REWARD.

I think it is safe to assume that we are very focused on living in the NOW, aren’t we? I can say that because we are not exactly patient to wait for LATER since our attention span is shorter than the average commercial time (which is 15 seconds if you were curious). How can we be thinking about LATER if our thinking mainly consists of having what we want and wanting it NOW?

We are a society becoming all about receiving instant gratification…getting it all NOW.

Am I wrong?

For all those glasses or contact wearing people out there, here are some unfamiliar terms about basic types of vision:

Myopic vision – when you can only see things clearly that is in front of you- known as nearsightedness

Hyperopic vision – when you can see clearly those things far away from you- known as farsightedness

I cannot see very well without my contacts in…heck, sometimes I can barely see with them in because I have a stigmaticzm- let’s face it, I’m also getting older!

I struggle with seeing things far away- therefore I am MYOPIC or nearsighted.

I see things more clearly when they are right in front of my face. I can read a book without my contacts in but I CANNOT watch TV while laying in bed…or see what time it is on the clock that is on the night stand!

When the doctor corrected my vision with lenses…did he make me farsighted instead of nearsighted-where I can now see far away can but no longer see up close??

That would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?

What did he do for me?

He corrected my vision with the proper balance between seeing both near and far…wanting me to see both equally corrected. Too much correction, either one way or the other, and my vision would still be messed up, right? That would cause its own problems- headaches, dizziness, eye strain!

This -that kind of balanced vision- is lesson of Jesus….to have a good balance of how we live our life:

Not too much in the past and not too much in the future.

James 4:14-15

^{Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while} and then vanishes.

^{Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”}

Matthew 6:34

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

If we focus too much on the future, (where do I go to college, what should I do for a living in 10 years, what vacation should I take when I am 55, how much money can I save so I can retire at 65) you may miss out on what is happening RIGHT NOW.

I remember having a curfew of coming home when the “street lights turned on”. I was literally in my front yard so I don’t know why that curfew idea was such a big deal, but it was …anyhow, my best friend was over and she wanted to do something, anything. All I could think about was those stupid lights coming on and how our fun would be ruined when they did, so why bother doing anything. I think I wasted a lot longer time than I thought I had available to play…because I was thinking only of the END and not what we could be doing in the MEANTIME.

On the other hand, if we focus too much on the present, (don’t ever think about college- let alone what classes in high school will get you ready for it, don’t question future career options and don’t pursue training opportunities or furthering education, don’t save money for a “rainy day” or emergency fund, don’t ever take a vacation because you’re waiting for the perfect vacation) then you end up being completely unprepared when your future is suddenly knocking at your front door!

My son just turned 14 and my dad just turned 70. How can 14 years have gone by since I held my baby in my arms for the first time? I remember my own 14th birthday party like it was yesterday and I feel like we celebrated my dad’s 40th recently too…now, I am the one over 40 with a teenage son and a 70 year old parent!

Where has the time gone???

We need to balance between the NOW and the LATER of life by living with a perspective of both because what we do NOW will impact who we become LATER.

You have a purpose, you have value, your life matters, we need you, this world needs you…we need you both NOW and LATER to make the difference in this life you were created for…my prayer is you come to really understand that.

Psalm 23:3 simply says “He restores my soul”….it looks different to different people-that restoration. For me, it is the quiet of a morning with a hot cup of coffee and the Bible open on my lap.

My heart may be heavy, my soul may be grieved, my body may be tired…but God is actively restoring me as I trust in Him to do so.

How do I know?

Because He has done it before and is faithful to His promise to do it again as I lean into Him.

For the men out there, take notice but tread carefully for it is a sensitive subject up ahead.

I have debated about writing this today but I think it is a worthy subject to discuss…it is awkward and humbling, but real. Being a woman who values her integrity, I do not see how I can avoid this topic.

The subject of weight, health, weight loss, healthy lifestyles is all around us. As women, we are bombarded by photo-shopped-personal chef-personal trainer-my job is my body-pictures as this world’s representation of beauty. As I was watching TV just now I saw “J-Lo” strutting her stuff (she is my age people) and some young actress, who is apparently the daughter of Phil Collins, discussing her teenage problem with an eating disorder.

I am convinced that my story today is not random.

Please bear with me.

We have spent the last five days on the shores of Lake Michigan~ absolute heaven- on -earth people! We have a wonderful travel trailer that the four of us, plus my dog Max, can all cozy into without trouble. Being near the beach, we have gotten some serious sand and sun!

This sets the stage for what happened next.

After packing up to head for home, I strolled on ahead of my family so I could use the public facilities prior to assisting my husband with emptying our “personal potty” (it is a travel trailer after all…one does have certain duties to perform after performing ones duties!).

Anyhooo….I am casually strolling to where my family is pulling into the “dump station” (if you felt the need to know the technical term) and a thought occurs to me:

I feel good. I mean, I really feel good.

I have a wicked awesome tan after sitting on the beach for the last 3 days, my hair (although slightly damp from exertion) is pulled into my version of a “messy” (nay, sexy) bun on the top of my head, my blue toe polish is only a little chipped but sparkles against my newly bronzed skin, I am wearing new (-er) cut-off jean shorts that are just the right color (not too dark and not too light), and a black tank top that frankly looks awesome with a tan.

I feel good.

At the age of 42, I strutted. I owned my age. I have fought life and came out stronger for it. I have grown inside of me and given birth to two beautiful sons from my body….

It was a wonderful and powerful moment.

As I walked tall and proud to my car, I felt I could conquer the world while feeling admiring eyes on me like when I was 20 years ago and without a care in the world.

I must add, that the woman picking up her dog poo did not seem to pay any mind to me and my prowess…but it was a lovely thought regardless if anyone noticed or agreed!

Then, IT happened.

(here comes the part I cannot believe I am going to write but I know I must)

I walked into our camper where my son of almost 14 years is waiting for me at point where the path inside the camper becomes very narrow once we are travel-ready and the slide-out is slid in. I am filling a 5 gallon container of water and handing it to him so he can dump it repeatedly as a rinse into the…errrr-you must know what I mean.

As I hand him the third container, I say to him that we are almost done. His response was something to the effect of “why am I doing this? Can’t you fit down the aisle and into the doorway of the bathroom anymore?”

Wha-whaat??!

I realize that I have gotten…a little…soft… over the years. I realize, and know all too well, that my new (er) shorts are not exactly the same size I wore a few years ago-let alone when I was 20! I am acutely aware that my tank top is not “baggy” but more like stretched to a comfortable shape.

What I was not prepared for was having my first born point this out to me…and the extreme CRASH I felt after all the feeling good of only a few minutes before.

My son is not mean…clueless and tactless, yes…but not mean. He is young and this is the appropriate time for a life lesson to be taught by his dad…but this is not about him.

This is about me.

In one simple statement, I was completely deflated.

I went from strutting and empowered to embarrassed and ashamed in about 5 seconds.

WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS AS WOMEN???

I, of course, told his father that he needed a “little chat” with his son but I also told my child to “go away, get out of here” because I was “done with him” in that task.

I could not look at this boy. I did not want to feel anything for this boy. I wanted him to be sorry.

And then I became mad at his dad(my husband)-of course this the logical leap in the scheme of rational thinking…

I suddenly doubted my self-worth in my husband’s eyes. Naturally, I immediately assumed my son was calling me fat because I was fat and therefore everyone else in the world knew it too including my husband. His seeming attraction to me was all lies…he was “stuck” with me.

My thoughts continued to escalate to the major embarrassment I am to these men in my life, especially when I was lounging around on the beach in my (gasp!) swimming suit! I tortured myself wondering who else thought I was a proverbial whale when I was attempting to float on my float-y raft in the lake.

What the heck??!

How did that happen so quickly??

Now, my husband could tell me I was beautiful after this conversation with my child, but do you think I would believe him in my current state of mind? Heck no! And, he is wise to me and my mind games…so he stays silent knowing full well that a trap has been laid no matter what move he makes that will snap him in half in an instant!

I sat in the car, nearly in tears. Why was I so upset, I asked myself. Because my son stated the obvious? Because the “obvious” is true (in some form)?

That I cared.

Prior to that singular moment, I was on top of the world because of how I felt on the inside- not what I saw on the outside. Once a comment came about the outside, all that was on the inside diminished in impact.

That has nothing to do with my son. That has nothing to do with my weight or my shorts size. It has to do with how I feel about me…what matters to me…who I matter to.

The enemy of this world tries to pull me, and so many other women, from the center of which our worth really comes from. I have to constantly remind myself that who I am is because of Who it is that made me and that is what gives me worth; my Maker is who gives me a sense of value.

This is a 24-7 battle in my mind: a battle that my son had been unaware of until that moment.

I told my son later, once he came to apologize, that I am who God created me to be and I like me. A wise friend told me once that we all have the life we want…because if we wanted something different we would be doing something different.

Apparently, I like me this way, the way I am right now because I am not aggressively making changes toward the contrary.

I am walking more often. I am taking multi-vitamins. I am watching my food choices. I am investing my free time into activities with my kids and my relationship with the Lord.

But, I also shop on a budget and eat on the run-fast food, even, when time is limited (shoot me). We are on the move so much that I actually consider it a rare treat to watch TV before 10 pm because I don’t slow down long enough to watch it.

I choose to wake early to spend time with Christ instead of exercising in those minutes. Yes, I know I could listen to a sermon or someone reading the Bible to me as I walk or run in the morning but I like to read the Word myself and highlight it as I get a revelations from God. I have made other choices that work for me.

This is where I am in my life and I am ok with it…. I want to be ok with it.

I want the Holy Spirit to keep whispering in my ear against the lies that say I do not matter and ask me, instead, do I know where my worth comes from?

I like that He makes me say it out loud as a reminder to myself…Who do I belong to? Who am I trying to please?

You, Lord!

So…here I am:

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