Author: thischicksinpeace

I had gone silent…the words were in my head but would not come out through my fingertips. The whirlwind of life stifled me…and suddenly there is silence.

As a working mom, many can understand the busyness of spring as the school year wraps up. I was told recently that it is not necessary to attend every event the kid may have (track meets or baseball games) and that my kid probably would not miss me if I was not there.

I SINCERELY DISAGREE WITH THAT HOGWASH!! My children seem to want me there with my t-shirts proudly declaring their names!

I had children to be PRESENT in their life…not to continue on with my own day to day plan as if their hobbies and desires do not matter! Do I need to attend every game or event? No, things happen…but those “things” had better be a big deal for me to miss my son crossing the finish line or my other finally hitting that home run I have been waiting for!!

But, man oh man, do those activities take up TIME and is beginning to feel like noise that surrounds me.

I am not trying to recreate my childhood through my kids nor am I a crazed sports fan on the sidelines…what I am is a HUGE fan of T and N Barber! What they love, I tolerate because I LOVE THEM!

But, it is noise that fills the space around me. Short of cancelling all those things they enjoy so I can have some peace and quiet, I must succumb to the season we are currently living in and try to adjust my hearing.

I am distracted by the sound of it….go here, go there, wear this for that event, have your instrument for this activity, eat first, eat later, oops- we did not eat at all.

My head spins and I cannot hear how to maneuver through these days.

I am really not trying to complain- I actually think I am trying to clear my head with this …We wrapped up one sport, finished another (his last flag football as an elementary age kid; this is  an amazing program run by our church-Upward Sports- if you have not heard of it then check it out!), and baseball season has begun for my big hitter who simply LOVES the game. The final band concerts have now also arrived as the school year closes…the kids are excited over that literal noise!

Our choices have choices lately it seems as well…my parents moved, my mother in law is having difficulty, a girl we have mentored got married- asking my husband and I to walk her down the aisle to her betrothed, work is crazy busy, my schooling is wrapping up for this session…it has been NON STOP since Mother’s Day.

All good stuff.

Loud stuff in my head.

Where do I go? When do I get there? Who is taking which kid? Who is riding with which parent?

How many of me is there to go around? I am a wife…mother…daughter…daughter in law…nurse….friend….minister…I am split in twenty directions and cannot hear where I am supposed to be! If I am at one place, it feels like I should be at another: the tug and pull wages inside me as I fear I am falling short while in the battle.

I cannot help but think of the story of Elijah…1 Kings 19:11-13 tells of God calling to Elijah while he hides in a cave. First there is a mighty wind (have you ever heard the sound of a tornado as it passes by? In the 3rd grade one flew through my neighborhood- the LOUD POWER of that wind took our breath away), second came an earthquake (the enormous BOOM of rock moving) and third there came fire (imagine the roar and crackle of a forest fire), he hears nothing but the sounds.

That is my life. Now, I realize I am as safe in my “cave” as Elijah was- I am not dramatic or narcissistic enough to think I am in any peril or have extreme difficulties right now (thank the Lord for His grace and mercy for that!). But, the NOISE is deafening just the same:  the fire and earthquakes  are threatening those around me while wreaking havoc and chaos in its wake. Whereas, the wind is just plain destructive, messy, and time consuming to deal with!

After the fire finally went past, Elijah heard a gentle sound. At this, he went to the edge of the cave where he could hear a whisper saying his name…

Tonight, I feel like I am at the edge of the cave hearing a gentle sound calming the noise in my mind…The wind is dying down and I have survived a busy season. The fire is ebbing and I am not scorched. The dust is settling from the earthquake and I will soon see more clearly what lay ahead.

In the passage of 1 Kings, Elijah felt all alone. God called to him after all the noise when he could finally hear in the quiet. The all-knowing God asked Elijah why he was hiding in the cave and Elijah’s response was because he felt he had nobody anymore even though he had done a great service for God. In the quiet, God told him to go back to work- back to the noise per se- and he will see those who stand with him. Better than that, God gave Elijah a friend in Elisha – who came alongside to minister to Elijah (vs 21).

In a house of four people, when the noise is so loud, I can’t hear my support system. In friendships, I cannot feel them through the fire. I can’t find my resources in a windstorm or earthquake.

Coming through, I see the provision of the Lord carrying me…I have somehow managed to accomplish what needed to get done as I worked through each day, one at a time. I see those who have stood beside me, praying for me and bolstering me. I have been shown the fruit of the effort put into lives around me when the “world” would say my efforts had been a waste of time.

Life does not slow down, the choice between the “better and the best” activity will always be there, there will be another road of suffering at some point that God’s grace WILL CARRY ME THROUGH when that time comes, the noise will change as it ebbs and flows.

I must lean into the silence when it comes, into that gentle sound that is whispering over me…in it I will hear I am loved…I will hear I am not alone…I will hear I am equipped by the Holy Spirit to discern where to go next and when.

Then, I will be at peace to climb out of my cave and get back to work learning from what has happened recently to determine what to change the next time around if it is warranted.

In the silence of tonight what I realize is that it is the people, the relationships that matter…not how much I physically helped, if I physically showed up or appeared in a text/social media only, if I stayed all day or only for an hour…what matters most is that I loved through it.

The phone rings just now (literally) and the next storm has begun…it is time to go to work- encouraging, standing firm in what I believe, being a servant for the Lord in the wind, the fire, and the earthquake.

The silence was golden.

I was inadvertently made aware of something recently that cause me to pause…in typical “Amy fashion”- reflection quickly came next.

I tried to explain my thought process to my husband but (he is out of town so this was through a cell phone conversation -NOT texting, believe it or not!) all I heard was crickets…

God bless this man who has lived through at LEAST 10,000 “revelations” of mine over the 17 years of marriage …needless to say, he does not always respond…I like to think he is deeply pondering my musings….but…I may be wishing for too much there!

Anyhow, I do not think I had my thoughts very clear (which is often the case when I am verbally processing an idea) and he was very tired…I’ll let it slide- it is well known that to my being a woman of many words, he is a man of few. I have learned to read much into his two word responses and silent contemplation- all of it positive and supportive, of course!

An “old” friend (meaning one whom I have known since I was a child NOT old in age at all) brought to my attention her absence at a time when it seemed I needed a friend the most.

I began to mull over that time in my life…which led to thinking about the seasons of friendship we seem to experience.

This becomes a tricky post at this point.

Look around you…who do you see surrounding you, right now?

(Not literally of course- figuratively visualize the people you have surrounded yourself with)

How many have you chosen versus how many have been given to you? Friends or family…

Are you close to them?

Do you share your deepest vulnerabilities with a few, maybe, or none at all?

Who do you spend the most time with? By choice or by obligation…

I started to think this way…and thought back to different times in my life and remembered who was there.

I have had wonderful friends throughout the years; grade school friends, high school friends (some I have reconnected with through Facebook, which has been pretty cool), college friends, work friends, church friends, family who are friends…

There have been some that, looking back, I wonder “what was I thinking?? I should have moved to a different lunch table and sat with other friends!”

There are others that I wonder where on earth they disappeared to…doesn’t EVERYONE use Facebook for crying out loud???

Then there are those that seem to be in your life for a season…to meet a need, to get you through…

They breeze into your world and mesh so completely that it would be hard to think of life without them, and then breeze out after a fashion. The breezing out hurts…why doesn’t it work anymore? Am I mad at you? Are you mad at me? There are so many confusing emotions that bring unnecessary conflict into an already changing season.

To know me is to know that I am a relational person. I value authentic relationships and crave emotional intimacy within friendships.

The only way I can describe it is I desire a sister and everything I believe (perhaps falsely) a sister relationship could be.

*Note: I said could and not should*

For as long as I can remember, I pretended to be “twins” with my best friends – I mean in grade school, not now… that would be creepy!

Think about what that means though…twins share everything, do everything together, have the same interests…they are closer than close.

Is this realistic to achieve? Probably not, but when talking about matters of the heart who is realistic?

My point is, I enjoy spending time with someone who likes to do what I like to do, shares my interests and dreams, and enjoys spending time with me too.

Is that “wish on a star” thinking? I think it’s honest thinking.

Now, my husband- he is great…a fabulous guy! I am beyond lucky to have him! But, let’s face it, he did not want to go see Beauty and the Beast with me at all….he does not care what kind of shoes I buy (but he will hang out in the shoe section while I shop!). He did do side-by-side pedicures and massages on our tenth wedding anniversary with me.. but, after, he told me that the next time I can just get two of each and call it good!

He is not exactly “sister” material.

His sister sure was though…in her, we had our retirement set, our future vacation plans made, kids graduations planned, Sunday dinners, shared holiday stress, and date nights booked.

Until reality breezed in through the door and took her away with the wind.

That’s where I saw the void….this unidentified craving that had been fulfilled by different people over the years until I met Dee…and has been empty ever since.

Recently, I actually said that I believed that God was depriving me of a kind of relationship that I desired so deeply.

With that perspective about God, it is no wonder I spiraled into a pool of loneliness and abandonment.

My God is good…He does not deprive me of anything that brings good into my life. It simply is not how He works.

Period.

So…I am back to the seasons.

In no way has anyone left me when I needed them or let me down in my sorrow. Most people have no idea how to help someone who just had a loved one die, especially if they have never experienced loss…or that kind of loss. There were those that had been with me for a long time who did the absolute best that they could to comfort me.

After the death of my sister in law, my pain went deeper than most knew, even what I knew myself, so all efforts of comfort were a temporary help…like building a bridge over a crater without the bottom of the crater being stabilized.

When the crater gap keeps growing the bridge ultimately collapses. My friends and family were that bridge…holding me together as best as they could in the ways they knew how. But, the crater in me kept growing.

After she died, I changed. I could not be the same girl I was before anymore…it was not possible. How I viewed life, the world, my family, my hobbies and habits were now being viewed through the eyes of someone whose heart had been broken…it was like I had been wearing rose colored glasses and they were suddenly ripped off revealing a world full of many different colors- I could not see through the glasses anymore after seeing the color choices before me.

God changed me next, from the inside out. As He gently healed my wounded heart and helped me to navigate through this new way of “seeing”, I became someone new.

This brought another season.

This one has been painful as I adjust…

I find that I am thankful now. The beautiful thing about seasons is that although they may change they do also cycle back again- one winter may not look like the last, but it is still winter.

Friendships can be like that too…adapting to the changing climate or sometimes seemingly going into a somewhat dormant state. I believe, though, that things that sleep always wake again so it’s ok to keep doing what you need to do in the meantime.

Once my eyes were opened, and I confessed my wrong idea about God to Him, I could now see WHO is around me…

I can see that my “sister” has come in many packages over the years. These wonderful women have given me counsel, offered an ear to listen, made me laugh, shopped with me (and appreciated my shoe selection!), given into my gluttonous choices of too much chicken AND pie with plenty of buttery egg noodles in one sitting, prayed with me and for me, cried with me, waited with me, cheered me on, corrected me ( I am not a fan of that, but it is has happen from time to time), sang with me, and danced with me.

She has had many different names…Joann, Georgiann, Kristie, Andrea, Amy, Jennifer, Dee, Jamie, Alison, Julie, Chelsea, Lydia, Tracie, Chrissy, Kylie, Stacy, Suzie, Ingrid, Miranda, Laura, Deb, Shirley, Teresa, and so many more!

I have never been “deprived”…it has been my expectation and perspective that had me all messed up! I figured she needed to be in the package that I desired and the Lord has shown me the one He gave me.

So many…meeting different needs at different times…what a tapestry of art that is as they are all interwoven together. God has known me, seen me, and given me what He knew I needed all along! He met the desires of my heart tenfold.

I was doing my homework and read something about the Exodus: the Israelites time in the wilderness got me thinking.

It was in their suffering that God was making Himself known to them.

As a refresher-the generation of Israelites that were enslaved in Egypt lived about 400+ years after Joseph (who was the son of Jacob, who was the son of Isaac, who was the son of Abraham-the 3 Patriarchs of Faith).

This whole generation knew of God as a distant memory because they were living a nightmare of oppression and slavery. They needed to be reintroduced to God in a manner that they would have no doubt that He was the same God that had spoken to their “Father” Abraham so many years ago!

They needed to know Him before they could choose to love Him.

I asked myself how do I learn my lessons the best?

Unfortunately, it is when I struggle, fail, hurt, and feel weak…

That is the thought process that got me thinking.

If I try to remember a time that I felt closest to God, knew He was drawing me nearer….It was in my pain.

Dan and I often think back on the 10 weeks when he was without a job and we were on the verge of despairing over our unseen, uncertain future no longer living life as we knew it. We had nothing to rely but God and His provision.

Yes, Dan looked for jobs and we spent less money in those days but he also turned jobs down because we knew they were not moving us in the direction that God would have us go.

I chose to not work overtime because it brought more stress into our house even though it also brought more money.

We chose to go on a mission trip because we felt that God had still blessed us with so much that we wanted to keep giving back to Him what was already His (our time, our resources, our gifts, our skills).

Those were stressful days…lots of crying for sure! But, those were also beautiful days: our friends surrounded us, we better appreciated the small things between us and our boys, we quickly reprioritized what was really important, and we sincerely felt the presence of God upon us.

It was marvelous to NOT be scared or anxious, to have a strange sense of calm about us, to have sudden clarity of vision…

That made me think harder to try to find a way to better explain a loving God that reveals Himself through suffering and pain but is not the one bringing the pain…

My Niccy-Noodle (the Young Master), aged 5-6, wrestled with his cousin one weekend while we were out of town and ended up smashing his head on the corner of a wall. He had to have 3 staples into his scalp that vacation weekend!

On the day those staples were to be taken out, once we were home, the boys had a snow day from school leaving them to the care of their dad who worked from home.

It must be known that my boys were curious creatures that loved to discover the things in the woods behind our house and then haul those “things” into our yard. One could say they were “garbage pickers” as it was definitely garbage brought into my yard…but we prefer the term “collectors”!

It was one of these items collected (a glass bottle) that the snow covered and my Noo (poor kid has atrocious nicknames!) kneeled heavily onto it! The glass slashed through his snow pants and jeans (probably PJ’s if I know his dad) slicing up his knee with a nasty gash.

Panic- central entered the Barber house of men while mom was at work!!

Long story short- yes, I am capable of doing that- I met Dan at the doctor’s office for my baby to have staples taken out of his head and to have stitches put into his knee! It was a rough day for that kid and not one he has forgotten to this day either!

As my blue eyed, blond, chubby handed, baby-teethed son lay on the table with his leg extended, I leaned over his chest to keep him still for the doctor while also staying in his line of vision: I wanted him to see only me, not the needles about to cause him even more pain.

Nic and I quickly became nose to nose as he entangled his little hand into the hair at the back of my head. We breathed the same air as he pinched his eyes shut telling me how much this hurt, ever so quietly, with his forehead pressed against mine .

The beaded sweat on his nose and lip moisturized the air between us as I murmured over and over how much I loved him, to hang onto me, that this will be over soon, that I am sorry he hurts so bad, but this is the only way for it to get better…

My heartbeat became one with his as we focused on each other.

I do not think I have ever felt closer to another human being in my entire life as I did in that moment.

This was an intense period of suffering for my child as he received 20 “small” pokes to numb the area that was already painfully raw from the glass slashing his skin and another 20 pokes to stitch the area (this was after the staples had already been CUT from his scalp).

As a child, he did not understand this pain or welcome it, but he accepted the necessity of it to move him into the direction of healing because he trusted what I told him in his pain…and he clung to me during it- the one who never left his side for even a second during the ordeal.

My child knows, from this experience and many others, that I will never leave him in his suffering or pain. He knows I will stop what I am doing when he says he has blood dripping from a cut, he is about to throw up, or he needs to tell me something.

That is my relationship with God: forged through so many trials (some I learned from and others I breezed past without a second glance once the suffering was over).

As my eyes have become more open to His presence, I find I long to be where He is…just as I longed for that feeling of closeness with my son to never end.

The reality is this:

It is in my pain that He is more noticeable- maybe because I am suddenly stripped of my self-sufficiency and capabilities…I am in need then and Jesus is the Provider.

His breath becomes my breath, He becomes my focus telling me He loves me, to hang onto Him, He will not leave me…

What a visual that suddenly created for me: God as my Father, hovering over me as I hurt…

I do not want my child to be hurt in order to feel that intimacy with him again. That’s why I am so thankful for the joy in life that unites my son and I in ways equally as intimate, but are more special because of the bond that was formed in the tougher times.

I do not want to suffer in order to feel the closeness of the Lord. But, I am so thankful for the relationship that has been formed and solidified during my trials that has carried over into my worship in the good times!

In those days in the valley of the shadow of death (so to speak) I got to KNOW God and have chosen to love Him because of what I now know.

I have been unwittingly exposed to WWE wrestling…being the mother of two sons while being married to a man who loves to experience life through his sons eyes, I should be thankful that this has only just crossed my threshold!

As a young girl, I marveled at the “complexities” of professional wrestling; hitting each other with chairs, smashing tables, being flung outside of rings, punched or kicked numerous times and yet no injury obtained….

Interesting.

My precocious, worldly- wise 11 year old (otherwise known as the Young Master) is convinced this is real. How can it not be real, he asks?

HOW ON EARTH CAN IT BE, I ask him in return!

He has faith in it…there is no reason for him to disbelieve what he is seeing with his eyes so he accepts it as reality. Not like reality- TV where a script is made and followed, but real wrestling with a story line on the side.

In my efforts to persuade him otherwise (I have been told that I might as well have told him that Santa does not exist when I try to have a legit discussion about this topic at home!) he is unconvinced. He sees their athleticism where I see their over-acting stunts I guess.

Isn’t it funny how our eyes as adults see things so much differently? We see motives, agendas, ambition, greed, doubt instead of simple acceptance in what is placed before us. I am so guilty of reading into most everything, analyzing every angle, and then over-analyzing what I just analyzed.

Suddenly, my life becomes more complex. My efforts to understand turn into efforts to control…I begin to muddle up my circumstances around me.

I am not suggesting that I stop seeking, researching, questioning, educating myself…trust me, my son certainly questions things-one does not simply get the name Young Master by being subservient!! What he does, though, is trust what he knows…Perhaps I can learn from that.

Having faith like a child means to trust that God is for me and not against me; to believe, even when things are horrible or painful, God has not changed. His plan, from the beginning, was for people, His creation, to know He is God -Yahweh.

In the good times, He is God.

In the hard times, He is God.

In the sickness, He is God.

In the healing, He is God.

To not overthink what I know…

My desire is to accept that God is my provider, my protector, my trail blazer, my path maker, my healer, my comfort, my future, the redeemer of my past, my purpose, my strength, my joy, and my hope.

When I have faith like a child, I stop with what I know….when I ask how is this going to happen, when will it happen, where will it happen – I am learning to sit back and trust the One whom I have come to know.

Is WWE real? Frankly, I just do not care-lol! I said I want to have faith like a child, not be a child!

Jeremiah 29:11 is an amazing verse…It looks awesome on a coffee cup, bookmark, wall hanging, or picture frame. It is one to keep for yourself or to share with another…

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

This was first prayed over me when I was a teenager and has come to mean different things as I have grown up.

First, it seemed almost like a fairy dust promise- as if I was strangely protected from harm no matter my behavior or choices.

Next, it became a bitter taste in my mouth when the fairy dust wore off.

Finally, it turned into an act of submission as I learned that the plan for my life is the Lord’s and not necessarily something that He is going to make me magically aware of with absolute clarity anytime soon.

But I want to know the plan.

Ever feel that way? If I know the plan then I can figure out what I can do to make sure it happens. Sounds more like my plan suddenly…

Over the past two years, the Lord has impressed onto my heart a seemingly simple question

Do you trust Me?

My surface answer is an easy “yes, Lord”.

Then, a secret was revealed that near devastated me and shattered hard earned trust.

Do you trust Me….now?

A deeper answer of “yes” surfaced as I had already been taught the harsh reality that faith in my God was the only real constant I could count on…

Next, my husband lost his job of twenty years and an uncertain future suddenly clouded our vision of what life should look like.

Do you still trust Me?

Yes, Lord…You told me you would provide for my needs as you care for the sparrows and the lilies of the fields.

My husband accepted a new job 10 weeks later…one that suddenly had him not only working outside of our home after 6 YEARS of working in the basement, but also has him traveling throughout the US, Canada, and into Europe. It also came with a major cut in pay and gone were the certain perks that we had become accustomed to.

Do you trust Me???

I felt led by the Lord to return to school for more education: a BSN or other Bachelor degree would certainly bring about improved job security after having our sense of security swept out from underneath us so unexpectedly…it made sense.

Except, I was about to enter into a Ministry Prep Program that had nothing to do with a degree or nursing…it offered a certificate that would bring nothing to my current position of employment. This schooling completely goes against the grain of advancing yourself on the corporate ladder….

I obeyed the leading of the Lord and began classes at Nazarene Bible College.

Are you still trusting Me?

As we settled into a new routine of school, homework, and my husband traveling my father in law suddenly became severely ill and died.

My goodness….how that hurts still.

A void was created that we had no idea how to prepare for… Our world order had to completely shift to make room for the needs of my brokenhearted mother in law.

But I pressed on after hearing the distinctive call into ministry in those first months of schooling.

I applied for my local license (a step that takes me closer to possible ordination within the Nazarene church if the Lord wills it) without knowing what in the world I was doing it all for…ministry for what? Is there a job or career change with this?? What is going on with my life?

Do you trust Me?

“Go on a mission trip and I will provide for it”….He did so we did.

“Start a Bible study and see lives be transformed”…I did and He did.

“Begin a discipleship group with these special ladies over here and see what I will do”….I did and He did.

“Speak”…um, ok. I did.

“Speak again”…are you sure here, God?

Hesitation- on my part, patience on His.

In the midst of my stalling to obey, my job suddenly took an unexpected left turn bringing about an unbelievable amount of uncertainty mixed with a strange sense certainty at the same time.

I felt NO PEACE. There was no decision that I could make that left me feeling settled or comfortable except to BE STILL AND WAIT.

UGH.

DO YOU TRUST ME?

How about this way God?

DO YOU TRUST ME?

Maybe this way instead, Lord?

DO.YOU.TRUST.ME?

Dang it.

I crave God’s perfect peace beyond all things and decided a long time ago that I will do anything the Lord tells me to do to get it and to keep it….so, big sigh, I decided to BE STILL AND WAIT.

I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am nervous about how all this “job stuff” is going to work out. I am frequently discouraged that I cannot possible do all that is set before me to do. I am scared of the future I cannot see.

Yet, I have more never been more certain of being in the right place at the right time as I am right now-even in my current job situation. I have a strange peace that goes completely against my circumstances. I am managing to accomplish all the tasks before me-as long as I keep looking only at today with quick glances into the future (instead of short glances into the present as I peer intently into the future).

“Speak again”…alright, Lord- I do not understand this but…I began this Blog.

I have plans for you-GOD has plans for me, His plan (not mine)

Plans that will prosper you and will not harm you– it does not say anything about being uncomfortable; there is nothing in that promise that mentions about things being easy.

Plans for hope and a future- bring it on

How many people can say that their “homework” was to read the book of Genesis this past week? Not many, I would wager! That is one incredible thing about my Bible classes…I get to read the Bible for study! Pretty awesome stuff!

If you haven’t read Genesis in awhile, for the sake of entertainment, get to it! The amount of adventure in this one book is quite spectacular!!

Therein lies the Creation story, Noah, Abraham, Sodom and Gomorrah, Isaac, Jacob and Esau (who gave up his birthright for some stew!), Jacob/Leah/Rachel’s love story filled with sacrifice and pain, and finally Joseph.

I have loved the story of Joseph longer than Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat has been on tour! Again, for entertainment sake, get the CD player out and listen to the soundtrack for crying out loud!

Donny Osmond as Joseph is a-MA-zing!

For a quick summation~ Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery after throwing him into a pit, he was falsely accused of rape by his master’s wife and thrown into the palace dungeon where he found that God allowed him to interpret dreams. This brought him, a few years later, in front of Pharaoh to interpret his nightmares about an upcoming famine. This display of wisdom impressed Pharaoh who placed Joseph in a position of high esteem to prepare for this famine.

When the famine struck the land, Joseph’s family in Canaan felt the hunger pains and came to Egypt to buy food from…Joseph of course! Once they worked out their differences, all of Joseph’s family (including his dear old dad Jacob) came to Egypt to live under the care and protection of Pharaoh.

If you have ever wondered how the Israelites ended up as slaves in Egypt that led up to the Exodus, this was the moment it happened!

At the end of this whole story line is Joseph’s incredible statement to his brother’s in Genesis 50:20 – You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Wow.

No bitterness over all the years of pain, rejection, loneliness, false accusations, enslavement, imprisonment that led him to this point in his life…

He fostered forgiveness toward them…and the clarity of knowing BUT GOD…

I have the incredible honor of facilitating a GriefShare class at my church. In this class, I get to sit amongst those who are actively grieving the death of a spouse, sibling, parent, child, aunt or uncle for 28 weeks out of the year. I have met those who are the survivors of someone lost to suicide, overdoses, medical negligence, car accidents, abortion, cancer, sudden death, sepsis…Many times, I am by far the youngest in the class with no personal experience of the pain they are living in- yet, I am somehow equipped by God to sit there with them.

The death of my sister in law brought me to that type of class and paved the way for this ministry opportunity to occur.

Therefore I say BUT GOD…

I believe in an enemy…we have one. He is out to kill and destroy all that is good in this world. He is a liar and a thief. He comes dressed in shiny, pretty packages that are tempting and misleading in its deception.

My enemy is the same one behind the wheel that prompted Joseph’s brothers to be so jealous of him that they devised a plan to kill him without a care that it would break their father’s heart in the process.

Perhaps they wanted to punish Jacob as well for loving Joseph as much he did…

He is the same enemy who tempted Eve in the Garden.

He is the same enemy who came into Judas to bring about the betrayal and crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

My enemy told me that Dee’s death was my fault. I did not intervene into her life to help her. Now, those who love me will quickly come to my defense and say it was not my fault and you cannot save an addict who will not help themselves- I get that. But, she is dead none-the-less and I did nothing to stop it.

My enemy told me I doomed her eternity because of the lifestyle I was living beside her.

My enemy told me my marriage would fail and my children would be lost to their own devices to fight against the disease of alcoholism that ran rampant through their veins.

My enemy said that my life did not matter and nothing I ever did would make any kind of difference in this world so why should I waste my time trying for change.

My enemy told me God was not good because He let us make our own choices (free will) and held us to the consequences of those choices.

My enemy told me that living for God was no fun and no one would like me if I changed my ways.

BUT GOD…

Jesus healed a blind man in John 9 where He used spit and mud to open the man’s eyes. Jesus could have snapped His fingers and the man would have been able to see (He turned old jugs of water into the best wine at a wedding without leaving His chair for Pete’s sake) but instead, He chose messy healing to open the man’s eyes…

My eye’s were opened with spit and mud. There was no soothing washcloth with warm water, only gritty sand and spit to wet it before it was caked on my face and rubbed off.

It hurt.

But. I. Could. See.

Without the pain, I may not have been changed so abruptly.

Without the suffering, I may not have desired a different option to the lies that were being fed into my head.

Without the hopelessness, I would not have searched for HOPE.

What was planned for evil, God used for good…His good, His glory, His Kingdom.

There is no notoriety in being a GriefShare facilitator, anymore than there is in being a nurse (which I also am). There is no fame or fortune in going into an unnamed ministry that I am called to. I look like a woman who has no scars because mine are not visible to see by the naked eye, so what is there for me to say that someone should listen?

It is not my glory, my gain, my fame…My life is but an offering to the One who opened my eyes. I pour myself out before you verbally, holding nothing back, to further God’s name and not my own.

Revelations 12:11 says that the word of our mouth and the power of our testimony shall overcome the enemy…May it be so with what I print here!

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”

Amen.

As I get started working with the Blog, I find that I am pretty eager to write all of the sudden! I am rushing through my homework (as fast as one can rush when reading through the Pentateuch…my eyes are rolling into my head with fatigue at the mere memory!) just so I can put “pen to paper” here!

Digression alert: Most of you know that I am taking classes at Nazarene Bible College for my Ministry Preparation Certificate and am hoping to…to do…something in ministry for the Lord…I am not bold enough to say what I think it is…or at least what I hope it is- I am gaining confidence in that slowly!

However, I LOVE my classes and LOVE the challenge of them (most of the time) but am finding this particular one is starting out to be a little on the dry side. I am hoping as we dig further into the OT I will find my enthusiasm refreshed in the stories of the faithfulness of God!

And…we’re back!

My devotion this morning in the book The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers asked “what message would you show a generation of young women seeking a model of godly reality if cameras were following you around on a daily basis (emphasis mine)?”

Excuse me-what?? Cameras in my house filming me as an example of a godly reality in the home? I do NOT think so!

Good ole Titus 2:3-5 says ³ Likewise, tell the older women to be reverent in behavior, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good, ⁴ so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be self-controlled, chaste, good managers of the household, kind, being submissive to their husbands, so that the word of God may not be discredited.

Apparently, I am the “older woman” now and the behavior I am to reflect is to teach younger women to love their husbands and children, to teach others how to be self-controlled, chaste, etc…. I do not think this would be accomplished by a camera in my home this week-let alone any other!

For a recap of the past two days (excluding that I forgot to pick my kid up last week from track practice…yes, I SAID it! I forgot him- nothing but guilt there!): I snuck ice cream before the kid gets off the bus today when I should have been working out and did not offer him any, my 13 year old told me that having me for a mom is a pain (ouch), my husband saying I yell for the sake of yelling (I prefer the term “discuss adamantly”)…I am on a roll for the Winner’s Circle folks as this is only a snip-it of my reality! Mother of the Year, here I come!

A camera would probably get me to have a clean house, make a homemade dinner NOT out of a can or box, actually pick my kids up from events with a smile, make cookies or ice cream from scratch, rub my husbands back when he enters the house and listen lovingly as he speaks of his day, and let’s not even discuss what I currently wear if I do decide to work out: that would have to go!

That is not reality… Instead:

I am impatient.

I discuss adamantly when frustrated or tired (ok, I yell).

I eat more sweets than vegetables.

I prefer to watch TV than exercise. Period. I prefer to clean the bathroom than exercise.

BUT,

I love the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart! I wish I could talk more openly about Him with the confidence of the Apostle Paul! My heart yearns to follow Him! I wish I could yell how GOOD He is from a mountain- even when life seems so hard and painful!

I love my husband -who has not cleaned a bathroom since possibly 2014, but who’s keeping tract? But, he tells me he is proud of me out of the blue and talks about having a ministry on the baseball field with a bunch of 12 year olds (as I am complaining at him about how many days a week he is committing to). And, he makes my bed each night so I can have a bed-turned-down service when I crawl into bed (at 9pm)!

I love my kids…my oldest looks (down) into my eyes and I see my reflection in his face- how is that possible?? My genes are pouring out of his blue eyes and dimple and my heart catches! My youngest started baseball today and when asked what position would he “really like to learn” he answers with “pitcher (but only a little)…and says teamwork to him is when everyone all works together because “as they say there is no I in TEAM”- where does he get that? And his sweet little braces…ugh, I am dying from his cuteness! I can’t help but kiss his precious face!

That is real.

I am a work in progress and He is not finished working in me yet!

“Peace be with you” (Luke 24:36) are the words Jesus used when appearing to His disciples for the first official time after they had witnessed His death….

Today is Easter…

I am still trying to figure this Blog thing out; my parents and mother in law just left after all of us having dinner together; my husband and kids are putzing around outside with power tools when a Guinea cage needs to be cleaned, laundry to be done, kitchen further cleaned.

I am succumbing to the idea that I will be reading the first 5 books of the Bible over the next 5 weeks along with multiple weekly assignments for my Ministry Prep program; I have a major adjustment occurring at work that begins tomorrow…all while Spring sports are about to kick into high gear!

Peace be with me?

I began my day with an awesome prayer time at my church this morning before coming home and preparing things for the day. The time before the Throne was rejuvenating…then I came home where the regular annoyances of life were played out before me in my kitchen when trying to get my kids and husband ready for church and house readied for lunch to eat when we got home later.

My peace began to wane….or so I thought when the condemnation of my weakness invaded my mind as I was filled with guilt for yelling, frustration over no one helping, and anxiety that this was no way to head to church on Easter morning for crying out loud!

But, you know what?

The peace Jesus spoke of to His disciples had nothing to do with their external situation: they were hiding in an upper room out of fear of being arrested for being associated with Christ and they were now faced with the fact that they were looking upon the apparent resurrected Jesus…They had to be freaking out! His peace went beyond their situation.

Jesus says to look past what you are seeing in front of you to get My peace…in the case for the disciples He is saying to look past that you think I am dead and yet I am standing right here in front of you; I know that trying to process with your mind what your eyes are seeing is seemingly impossible!

To me He says to look past what I see in front of me and peace will be with me too…I need to look past my weakness of impatience and see that I can be drenched in patience by the gifting of the Holy Spirit with more time spent with Lord.

I need to look past my busy schedule and insecurity over my ability to function successfully in a new class filled with difficult challenges and remember He is faithful to finish the work He began in me (Philippians 1: 6) and will equip me to complete each task.

He has done so much for me already: why doubt Him now??

My peace is found in knowing the Cross and tomb are as empty today as they were over 2,000 years ago…Jesus told His disciples that everything prophesized about Him had to happen…every aspect of the Suffering Messiah had to come true through Christ as told in the Old Testament.

The peace I have always been looking for has nothing to do with my circumstances or situation…it is based on Who set me free from being condemned by my weakness, failures, and insecurities…It is based on the One who sees me without blemish and loves me without end no matter how little I deserve it-that love was proven by the ultimate act of love on the Cross!

So…I sit here now re-thinking my perspective of whether my day contained peace or not…my belly is full of non-traditional Easter dinner food of tacos and fajitas, a breeze is blowing on my neck from the open window behind me, my dog is sleeping at my feet, the sounds of hammering, talking between my husband and sons, and whirring power tools is mixing with wind chimes while Pandora plays Chris Tomlin’s “Jesus Messiah”, my parents and my mother in law left our home happily instead of with tension between them (my dad even gave my M-in-L a hug!)…

Peace be with me…and also with you.