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Boy…does that picture ever depict life correctly… It’s a tangled mess with one event tying into an emotion which twists up with a situation that leads to a circumstance…

In days where I am feeling that tangled ball more than others, I find my sense of neediness goes up. We all have things we want but, especially in times of trial, we tend to focus more on what we need..

And, often, what we need we do not have enough of.

“And my God will LIBERALLY supply (which means to fill until full) all your NEEDS according to His riches in glory in Jesus” ~Philippians 4:19

Can you believe that? It seems too good to be true, doesn’t it?

What is it you NEED? I think, first, we need to be honest with ourselves about what those things really are:

*I need to be comforted.

*I need to have patience that doesn’t make sense.

*I need to feel a sense of worth.

*I need strength in my weakness.

*I need to not feel alone.

And so much more….

When tragedy strikes, when pain won’t end, when hope seems lost my only answer is to go WHERE I have experienced peace…go WHERE the comfort has been found…go WHERE the answers are held- whether I am told them or not…

I go sit in the presence of the Lord.

In John 14:1 Jesus says “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God and trust in Him (have faith, hold onto it, rely on it, keep going). Believe also in Me.”

We need to believe we will receive what we ask for when in need…What we receive may look different than what we thought we would get, but that does not mean it is lesser…

Trusting that the Lord knows best and that He will meet your needs in a manner best suited for you and the situation requires keeping your eyes of faith open.

Trust and believe and you will receive for your Father loves you.

I’ve struggled with thinking that life would be so much better if _____ was not happening or in my life.

I imagine others could easily fill in that blank for themselves.

These last two years it has been my Crohn’s disease that fit on that line.

I’ve been frustrated by fatigue, plagued with intermittent and unpredictable pain, scared by the possible adverse effects of the treatment, wrestled with despair that life would never look “normal” again.

I’ve pleaded for the Lord to TAKE THIS from me.

You know what He said?

“My grace is sufficient for you – My loving kindness and mercy are MORE THAN ENOUGH and ALWAYS available regardless of the situation; My power is being PERFECTED AND COMPLETED (and shows itself most EFFECTIVE) in your weakness”

2 Corinthians 12:9

I’ve been forced to make a choice…I can either choose to LIVE with this or WAIT to live and miss out on LIFE.

I don’t understand why I have this disease any more than I can figure out why my friend has Stage 4 cancer…

I’ve chased the “why’s” around the block for miles and never really found an answer…

I can blame it on stress…my diet…the environment…global warming…you name it.

The only thing that matters is that I have it.

This is my reality.

I am sure so many others have afflictions, hurts, habits, addictions, pain that do not make sense.

And, in many situations on this side of heaven there isn’t an “easy fix” for you…

We have to fight every day.

We have to battle every day.

We have to pick ourselves up every day.

We have to shake off yesterday’s failures every day.

We have to choose to press on.

I want to do so with joy.

I want to do so with strength even in my weakness.

I want to do so with hope.

May I be able to say, with every fiber in my being, “I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may completely unfold and dwell in me”.

Thank you for following me. Thank you for sharing with others what I write. Please continue to do so and feel free to correspond with me as well. We can discuss what you’re struggling with and walk this path of honesty together.

Sometimes I am TIRED.

Sometimes the mere effort to keep moving forward seems unfathomable.

Sometimes it is HARD to keep doing the right thing.

Sometimes I want to succumb to the thoughts of “why bother” and “no one notices anyhow”….

But there is something inside me that won’t let me quit…

~1 Corinthians 15:58~

Therefore, my beloved friends, be STEADFAST…IMMOVABLE…ALWAYS EXCELLING in the work of the Lord (always doing your best even in the mundane things). Be continually aware that YOUR LABOR (even if it’s to the point of exhaustion) IS NOT FUTILE – it is never without purpose.

There will be days when I will be more productive than others…and that is ok.

There will be days when I need to lay low…and that is ok.

But I can still labor…I can still work…I can still try.

I’ve realized that in my weakness my vulnerability becomes a strength.

When I go against the grain of what looks “normal” or “strong”, my faith muscles are strengthened because suddenly I am forced to use them.

Are you tired?

Then rest.

Are you weary?

Then lean on the Rock of salvation for support.

Even in what we perceive to be our least effective efforts we can be productive for the Kingdom.

Your efforts are not futile.

#hangon #hangonthroughthehurt #endure #perservere #endurance #perserverence #tired #keepmovingforward #presson #pressonthroughthepain #crohnsfighter #crohnswarrior #crohnsgirl #fightthegoodfight #fightdepression #fightthedarkness #anxietywarrior #purposedrivenlife #mylifehasvalue #meaningfullife #1corinthians1558

So you’ll go out in joy… you’ll be led into a whole and complete life ~Isaiah 55:12 (MSG)

A WHOLE and COMPLETE life filled with JOY?

THAT’S what the Lord offers us when we trust Him, follow Him, obey Him.

It doesn’t mean a “perfect” life or a “problem free” existence but we CAN BE whole, complete, and joyful in the midst of all our circumstances when we choose to look through God’s lense instead of our own contaminated scope of vision.

I used to think that being obedient meant something bad. To my rebellious spirit it meant that I would not be able to have any fun anymore because I could not do things my way.

What I’ve realized is that my fun came with significant consequences: hangovers, guilt, regret, sick days at work, fights with my husband, jealousy, discontent, increased anxiety.

Sure sounds like a good time, doesn’t it?

But in the moment of my so-called-freedom I felt like I was the Queen of the World where no one could tell me what to do. It made the aftermath seem worth it somehow…

John 8:34 tells us that instead of being free I was, in fact, a slave to my sin…I was trapped in it, held prisoner by it, tormented because of it…

When I turned my life over to God, after I hit rock bottom and could see nothing but UP, I found more freedom in His will for my life than I ever saw for myself.

God’s plan is not to ruin our fun, but to show us HIS way does not have the consequences our worldly choices do.

When I follow His calling, I feel peaceful…excited…challenged…………..purposeful…

Ephesians 5:8-10 says that once I lived in darkness but now I am in the Light of the Lord. I am to walk as a child of the Light -live as if I am born native to it. For the effect (the fruit or the result) of the Light consists in all goodness and truth.

I can wake up to feel rested and secure.

Even in the uncertainty of what His plan for my life is or in my questioning of how on earth is He going to bring good out of this or in my doubts that I am good enough for the place He has put me…

I can trust that HE knows what He is doing because He is faithful to finish what He started.

Obedience and trust take work, time, and effort…I have to choose to spend time with God to know what to obey and who it is I am trusting…

But, let me tell you this, it is time well spent.

“We MUST trust that He will accomplish His purpose in and through us. Sometimes we might not understand His method, but we can trust His motive” (Bible Passages for Mother’s)

#trustthelordwithallyourheart #obeyme #followme #joyofthelord #joyfulliving #lifecomplete #iamwhole

“For as you think in your heart, so you are”

~Proverbs 23:7

That is one powerfully convicting verse….do you agree?

It means that what you believe to be true in your heart will outflow into how you behave and therefore lead to who you become.

One could flip it and say that how you behave reflects what you believe to be true in your heart.

Yikes.

How many times do we say we believe in something but our actions speak so much louder than our words?

Let’s take priorities as an example first (FYI -I’m gonna start easy and work up to the painful, uncomfortable examples)~

We can say we value home cooked meals and dinner with our family but how often do we really cook a meal and sit down together to eat?

I’ll be honest.

I made dinner last night for my son’s.

Yay me, right?

Did we sit and eat it together?

Nope.

One son ate it while playing on his phone in the living room before I picked his brother up from an after school activity.

Did I eat, then, with the other son when we got home?

Nope.

I ate alone while son #1 was in the bathroom.

He, after me, also ate alone.

Is any of that a big deal?

In the grand scheme of things, no.

But, if I say I value “dinner time” as a family priority…why didn’t we just eat together?

My excuse is that their dad is gone for business so our routine is off…but the reality is that it simply was not my priority last night to eat together.

I cooked✓

We ate✓✓

We moved on.

My point is…. my actions were not consistent with what I say I believe in my heart to be a value.

Goodness. That’s humbling.

NEXT.

I’ll go easy on myself with this one…

I’m a big believer in saying “good night”, “I love you”, and giving hugs and kisses. Especially at bedtime.

Needless to say, I have boys….they do not always enjoy my Public Displays of Affection- whether we are home alone or not.

Get over it guys cuz it’s gonna happen.

I believe in my heart that telling people you love them and showing them you love them is extremely important….so…I tell and show those I love all the time.

Last night, I was tucked in my bed all cozy when my baby (he’s 14, stands taller than me, and can bench press more than he weighs) went to bed. I got up…went to his door and knocked (he is 14- I’m not going in there without permission 😉). When he opened the door, I hugged and kissed him goodnight.

My actions were consistent with what I believe in my heart.

Following me now?

Ok.

Onto the next level….

If you believe in your heart that you are loved….do your actions reflect that? Are you showing love because you are loved?

If you believe in your heart that you are forgiven…do your actions reflect that? Do you walk in shame or with your head held high because you are free from condemnation???

If you believe in your heart that you trust the Lord to provide for you, care for you, comfort you …do your actions reflect that? Do you grieve with HOPE or do you feel hopeless in despair or live in constant fear???

Do you believe in your heart that Jesus’ words and promises are true? Do you live reaching for the abundant life He promised you, turning to Him when weary and accepting His offered rest, telling Him all your worries and receiving His peace that passes all understanding, claiming that you are NEVER alone for He is ALWAYS with you?

Or…

Are you living in doubt? Are you feeling hopeless? Are you feeling alone and as if NO ONE understands or cares? Do you feel you have no one to talk to? Do you feel that life will never get better?

As you think in your heart so you are.

Faith requires action on our part.

We have to do some work to get what we say we believe (head knowledge) down into our hearts (heart knowledge). When what we believe settles into our hearts then that will be what we become…what we reflect.

How do we do that though…

In my darkest days over this last year and half….or ten years if I’m being honest….I had to make a choice.

When I thought my marriage was over, I made a choice to not scream or yell….to not quit life…to not turn to old habits that were self destructive.

What did I do, you ask?

I cried. A lot. And hard.

My husband left for the weekend…basically, he left to do something that had been planned long in advance for him to do- the timing was perfect for us to have some space.

He left me and our children at a campground where my parents were.

They were left in the dark of the details of our ordeal but were sensing my need for emotional and spiritual solitude.

My folks helped with my sons while I sat at my camper staring at God’s creation in front of me, my Bible on my lap, and with songs of worship playing continually through the campers speaker.

I remember saying over and over…I TRUST YOU LORD. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,I TRUST YOU TO KEEP LOVING ME AND TO TAKE CARE OF ME for I am Your child.

I really didn’t know what my husband would decide on that trip “with the guys”- would he want to come home to “boring old me” and “family life” or would he want to be free from the things that restrained him?

I chose to not give in to fear that weekend and instead chose to trust in the One who had redeemed me.

Thankfully, God was working a miracle in my husband that weekend as I was preparing to let him go. Dan chose me. He chose our family. He chose our life and not the lifestyle he had been living.

Part of me wonders if what I thought in my heart made a difference in that situation…

I believed God loved me even when I had been unlovable (and still am at times) which enabled me to love my husband even after having been hurt by him so badly.

I believed God forgave me when I certainly did not deserve it and that empowered me to forgive my husband when close friends told me to leave him.

I believed that God could restore and make new all things because He had done so much inside of me and therefore clung to the promises spoken in the Bible: He can do infinitely more than we can dare dream, He can bring good from evil, He came to save the lost, a godly wife can bring about the salvation of her husband, love covers a multitude of sins…and on and on and on.

What if I hadn’t become what I thought in my heart to be true?

I could have been bitter. Unforgiving. Nasty. Desperate and pitiful. A victim.

What man would want to return home to that??

Since then, my husband has not only chosen US but he also made the decision to follow Christ for himself – NOT FOR ME.

Our life is incredibly different now than it was ten years ago!

That particular example has fueled me through so many other dark days since.

I tell myself…if I made that choice to trust in what I said I believed in then – how could I ever not do it again and again?

God was faithful to me then and He is faithful to me now and He will be faithful to me in the future.

I believe that in my heart to be true and want to live every day of my life showing that belief to others.

If you are struggling…. put on some praise and worship music – try singing along; read your Bible and ask God to show you something in His Word (and believe He will); PRAY honestly and continually.

The Bible says we are to be thankful in all things and that we are to rejoice always …make a list of what you are thankful for and rejoice over them.

Jesus wept, y’all….so feel what you feel and tell Him about it for He cares for you.

We are created to be a part of community…we have been reborn into the family of God. Don’t isolate yourself from people who can help share your burdens.

Look for Bible examples of your situation- are you in a “bad” marriage, are your kids wayward, is there job insecurity, are you ill, are you a widow or widower or orphan??? Cling to wisdom found in the examples!

Do the work to dig deeper into knowledge so your faith will grow and settle into your heart.

Sitting still doesn’t get us very far does it?

So do something instead.

If you believe in your heart that God has something more for you, then let Him work in your life so you can reflect that to others.

If you don’t believe that….then I would ask you to pray that God will help you with your unbelief and that He would shine some light into your heart to spark hope in it for hope can anchor your soul.

If Jesus can change my heart….redeem my marriage…and utterly transform my husband then I believe He will do the same for you when you trust Him.

Jesus loves you.

Blessings to you today.

How many titles like “2020 Vision” are out there?

I’m thinking it’s going to be the catch phrase of the year!

#2020vision means to see clearly… most of the time we use it in the context of an eye exam or when we are looking back in hindsight.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Do not remember the former things or ponder the things of the past. Listen carefully, I AM ABOUT TO DO A NEW THING. Now it will spring forth; will you see it? I will put a road in the wilderness and a river in the desert.

We are instructed to NOT look back because that focus could keep us from seeing what is coming.

And yet, hindsight is so clear….how tempting it is to linger and ponder back there.

Ten years ago, as the ball was dropping onto 2010, I looked over at my husband who was actively weeping.

My man does not cry often.

My man especially does not cry when we are at a friend’s house celebrating New Year’s while tossing back a few beers and playing Rock Band on the Xbox…

This was ten years ago, after all …the winds of change were beginning to blow painfully upon us.

I held my sobbing husband while our friends looked on in disbelief of his abnormal display of visible vulnerability.

2009 would forever be remembered as the year his beautiful, strong, smart, funny oldest sister died of alcoholism.

Nothing else reverberated in us except for that.

I asked him why he was crying …wondering if he was remembering her, grieving for her: his response was that he “didn’t know”…but the tears would not cease.

As we entered 2020, when the ball dropped, we were surrounded by our two sons (who are now taller than me) and our dearest friends that God brought into our lives to become our family.

The wounds of the last decade are healing with many scars remaining and palpable …My husband’s tears were valid that day~ even if he had no idea of what was to come.

I am reminded of the Scripture passage in Psalm 56:8 that our tears are not forgotten but instead stored and recorded by the Lord.

He remembers them.

I believe that means it is so He can use them for His good and glory.

In this last decade we have experienced so much pain and we have lost much as well.

BUT

through the pain and loss, we have grown…we have changed…we have learned ….we have taught.

Without the wounds, we would have not become the people we are today.

Without the scars, we cannot become the people we need to be in tomorrow.

Our story may have truly begun its change in 2010 but it is not over in 2020.

The Lord has promised us a road in the wilderness- a path where one has not been before…a new journey/path/plan perhaps.

We have been promised a river in the desert- life where there hasn’t been before…Something in us or around us being made new…

Hindsight has made our future so much clearer…We can see that there has not been one step where the Lord has not been with us- guiding us, leading us, directing us, loving us in these ten years…and the evidence of that has become all the clearer the more we trust in Him.

Our story and tears are to be remembered- to be shared- but, more importantly, to be used for Christ’s Kingdom and glory.

We have learned this:

We are to seek and deeply long for the Lord and His strength. We are to seek and deeply long for His face and His presence. We are to remember with awe and gratitude the wonderful things of which He has done (Psalm 105:4-5).

THAT is 2020 Vision.

Are you ready to say “out with the old and in with the new” for this new year and new decade?

If ANYONE is in Christ (joined to Him by faith), they are a NEW creature (reborn and RENEWED by the Holy Spirit); the old things have passed away. Behold, NEW things have come (because spiritual awakening brings a new LIFE)! ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

You don’t like who you are? What you’ve done? You’re not happy or content? You feel peace is lacking in your heart? You feel no worth or value?

Find HOPE in a new life in Jesus.

Ten years ago I turned to God seeking answers and relief for my despair….I did not think He would answer. I was not looking for change or to be changed…

The comfort, grace, and mercy I found was gifted to me while on that quest was life altering….There is no turning back now! I have been made NEW!

YOU CAN BE TOO.

#hopeinchrist
#hope #hangonthroughthehurt #madenew #newcreation #faith #bechanged #griefjourney #depressionfighter #anxietywarrior #fightthegoodfight #fightthedarkness #2corinthians #newyearnewyou #newyearnewyou2020

2 Samuel 21:10
“Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah, took sack cloth and spread it out for herself on the rock -from the beginning of harvest (in the spring) until (the autumn) the rain fell on them; she allowed neither the birds of the sky to rest on their bodies by day nor the beasts of the field to feed on them by night”.
There was a famine in the land during the time of King David’s reign…David asked the Lord directly why…The answer was about a senseless, cruel, desecration to the people of Gibeon by King Saul.
The solution was to publicly sacrifice 7 of Saul’s kin as payment for those lost ~in order to make right a wrong done by Saul, members of Saul’s family would need to die.
Those people were handpicked, led up a hill, and were put to death.
Some stories of the Old Testament are hard to read. They are filled with a brutality we don’t like to think about especially when we are enjoying our quiet time with the Lord while reading our Bible.
Yet, this is the passage I come across today…
Two of those chosen to die a horrible death of broken bones while being hanged were the sons of Rizpah.
Rizpah was a concubine of King Saul – she is introduced to the world in 2 Samuel 3:7.
Presumably, they (Rizpah and her sons) lived a quiet life together after the death of King Saul…I can assume that because they were still alive during the time of King David’s rule.
We know that David had spared the grandson of Saul -Jonathon’s son- Mephibosheth years prior…and when this particular time of payment for Saul’s crimes came upon the people, David again set his friend’s son aside as one not to sacrifice.
That choice, however, left Rizpah’s sons to join all five sons of Saul’s daughter Merab in death on that fateful day.
What stands out to me in this passage is that Rizpah protected her sons in their death. She sat by their bodies for months so they would not be further defiled by predators.
Rizpah sat on a sackcloth that she had placed on a rock in order to scare the birds and beasts away from the decaying bodies of her sons.
And she sat there for months.
This act of devotion and love impressed King David. It impressed him so much he gathered up the bones of these sons of Saul, King Saul himself, and Jonathon’s bones so they could all be buried together in the family grave site.
One could assume that to not be buried in the family plot was considered an insult to the family and to the honor of the deceased individual.
David’s choice, out of his response to Rizpah, brought honor back to house of Saul -Israel’s first king.
Why does this stand out to me?
All Rizpah did was sit by her sons in their death…

She was not looking for honor~ who was she after all? A concubine of a dead king…she was not even considered to be a widow. Her sons were not even recognized as “official” sons of a king (ask Google to list the names of King Saul’s sons and see for yourself that Rizpah’s boys do not get named).
She had no place in history, no prospects in the present, and had lost all chance for success in the future when King David took the throne.

She was not forgotten, though…because David knew who she and her sons were- which certainly helped him in this case with the Gideonites.
In those days, a concubine to a dead king, whose sons (those who would support her in her aging years) are now also dead, did not have much to offer the world she lived in.
So she did what she could….she sat by her boys and protected their bodies from further dishonor and harm.
An act of a mother’s unconditional love swayed the heart of a king.
Her actions spoke loudly that her sons mattered. Her sons had worth. Her sons were loved. Her sons made a difference in the world because of who they were and not because of who sired them.
Her love brought honor back to her family.
It is literally a small snipit of a story in the Bible – a small portion of chapter 21 in 2 Samuel- and she was spoken about by name.
This woman is recorded for all to read as a person who mattered and who made a difference.
We don’t know the impact we have when we make a choice to live our lives loving others.
I imagine we think we need to do large acts of kindness in order to create a ripple in our small pond…but, the reality is, even the smallest of stones can change the smoothest appearance of a lake when it is tossed into the water.

Rizpah shows us that large acts are not always necessary…She just did what came natural to her…She was a mom who loved her children even unto death.

She didn’t reach out of her comfort zone to do something out of her own personal toolbox….She just did what she knew to do.
I confess….I get lost or confused in the process of trying to be more or to do more. I sometimes think that who I am doesn’t make much of a difference because I don’t feel seen most days…I don’t feel heard.
Then I read this story…and I wonder maybe what I am doing (no matter how small it seems) does make a difference to someone somewhere.

Maybe it is in how I love my sons and would watch over them with the same intensity as Rizpah…
Maybe it is seen in how I love others…to love because God first loved me…
Maybe I am heard in the honesty of my sharing…
I pray for contentment in doing what it is that I do naturally and trust that it could make a difference in a way that Rizpah’s act of love did….either in the effect my choices have on those closest to me or, perhaps, on those taking notice…
I would say then:
Be kind.
Love sincerely.
Show mercy.

Walk humbly with the Lord.

How many times do we feel that God is distant?

How many times have we said ‘I can’t feel God here with me, I don’t know where He is”….

The Bible tells us that Jesus will NEVER leave us or abandon us…yet- if we’re honest- we do not “feel” His nearness on many occasions, do we?

Here is the crux in a relationship… both sides MUST do their part.

Jesus said He will never leave us and also gave us the Holy Spirit to comfort and guide us~that is HIS part.

We need to do ours next…

James 4:8 says it clearly~

DRAW NEAR TO GOD AND HE WILL DRAW NEAR TO YOU.

What are we doing to draw near to God so we are in His presence?

Have we slowed down to listen for His quiet voice?

Are we spending time with Him?

We MUST do our part to receive His comfort and companionship.

Try spending time talking with the Lord today…He is waiting for you.

#james4 #drawneartogod #fightthedarkness #fightthegoodfight #fightmybattles #fightdepression #anxiety #anxietywarrior #anxietysupport #crohnsfighter #crohnswarrior #crohnsgirl

I hope your Thanksgiving was celebrated by being surrounded by those you love and who love you, lots of laughter, minimal grumbling (let’s be realistic: it happens!- we are surrounded by people after all!), and too much food!

For the first time in many years I found myself to be uncomfortably full but not painfully full.

It’s nice to know I have matured as a human in my 44 years on this earth! I may have finally figured out the holiday meal balance!!!

Or my Bentyl (for my Crohn’s) just works really well! LOL!

As the remains of the dishes sat around my sink and the guests that had filled my house with conversation left last night, I found myself sitting in the quiet….feeling just shy of content.

This morning, as I continue to reflect, I find I am struggling just a little bit more for that peace that lingers in the quiet after a holiday.

I imagine I am not alone in my thinking.

Many of us joined hands at the dinner table to offer thanks….it’s in that moment that we acknowledge who is not present.

Many have lost loved ones, a spouse may be stationed overseas for military duty, or a divorce has completely changed the dynamic in a family causing a break in the unity chain.

The aftermath of the holiday dust settling, the effort to be of good cheer has drained us and we find ourselves sitting in the quiet….reflecting….on what was, what could have been, what we wish it was…

In the quiet I find confusion and doubt lingering in the doorway…trying to shadow my thoughts as my mind wanders.

The questions easily form to ask what now, what could I have done, what should I do next…

I sense thankfulness slipping through my fingers.

That’s where Isaiah 58:11 enters to silence the doubt and secure me with comfort~

The Lord will continue to guide you,

He will satisfy your soul in the scorched and dry places,

He will bring strength to your bones.

You will be like a well – watered garden;

Like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

In the doubts, in the uneasiness, in the wondering I find solace in knowing

my God is guiding me,

ministering to those dry areas of my soul that have been burnt in a fire trying to consume me,

that He is giving me strength all the way into my marrow,

His living water will fill me…

I don’t have to be thankful for all things but I can be thankful in all things for what God has promised to provide: to satisfy, to strengthen, to fill.

May your day be blessed.