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Being afraid or nervous of the uncertainties of life is pretty common I think.

I hope~otherwise I am an oddball.

There are so many variables that can affect our days, aren’t there?

•weather

•traffic

•other people’s choices
I am currently sitting in a holding pattern…I have zero control over what another person will do, how a second other person will react, and the timeline it all occurs.

It is kind of unsettling.

Many of those kinds of uncertainties that we concern ourselves over aren’t even “big” deals in the scheme of things, are they?

Sometimes, yes, it is life and death issues we face and what we choose in those moments can have a huge impact on the rest of our days.

But, I would say, that the majority of what stresses me out is not a cataclysmic thing where the fate of the world is precariously hanging in the balance…

Now, I am in no way minimalizing our stressors…I cannot because I am currently fighting through something myself that is not cataclysmic but is still worth my time to work through.

What I am doing is trying to gain perspective in the midst of the future uncertainty.

In the past, I would definitely say I have been guilty of trying to micromanage a situation in an attempt to gain control.

Those that know me may chuckle in agreement at that acknowledgement!

I want to state for the record that that is NOT what I am doing here today.

I am recognizing the validity that there are things in our life, the uncertainties of our future, that loom in the coming distance that we are straining our eyes so desperately to see so we know what to do and can prepare ourselves for how we can or will react or respond.

If trying to gain control of that circumstance does not work or is not in my best interest (as I have learned over the years in my effort to perfect that action), then how can I trust God through it and rest in HIS sovereign reign over all things?

We know that’s the key, don’t we?

But knowing and doing are NOT the same thing.

I need to do.

Deuteronomy 32:8 tells us that it is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you . Do not fear or be dismayed.

Ok. That is some good stuff, right?

But, that seems to fall in line with the “knowing” part of our faith ..because we know that truth about God, don’t we?

How can I believe it to the point where my life reflects that knowing?

I have rarely memorized Scripture on purpose. That is probably not a wise thing for a “pastor in training” to admit… but it is what it is and that is my truth.

However, I do have many verses tucked into my heart (aka memory banks) due to frequent reading, rereading, and meditation on them…

I just rarely read a passage and say to myself I should memorize that one.

Until last week that is.

I am rereading through the Psalms and came to chapter 16.

This particular chapter has become quite special to me over the course of the last 2 years for a multitude of reasons…there have been a few of those 11 verses that have stood out and have been highlighted.

Never verse 8 though.

I read it, last week, as if I saw it for the first time.

Isn’t the Living Word awesome for that yet??

Can I get an AMEN?

Psalm 16:8 (from memory 😉)

I have continuously put the Lord before me. Because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken.

So, over a week ago, I committed that verse to memory and repeated it to myself throughout the days.

Good stuff.

Then, Friday, an unforseen battle back into suicidal depression reared its ugly head and that verse, tucked into my memory, flooded my mind to counteract the fear that waged war within me.

The fear may have abated but much certainty remains…and that reality is what unsettles me.

Reading the verse in Deuteronomy today resonated….but when I pair it with what I memorized from Psalm 16 a whole new perspective formed.

I know God is going before me. I know He will not leave me. I know He strengthens me.

How I live my life in that belief has its answer in Psalm 16:8~

I put the Lord before me.

What does that mean?

I stay the course.

I pray.

I read my Bible.

I speak God’s truth to myself.

I hang onto hope.

I keep doing what I was created to do.

I seek wisdom and discernment.

I listen to the quiet voice behind the chaos.

Doing those things is not a magic wand to fix all my problems but they do put the Lord before me.

When He is there, at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

I believe in the promises of the Lord.

I believe I am His beloved.

I believe I am chosen and adopted into His family for His service.

I believe I was created for a purpose.

Knowing what I believe and who I am roots my feet securely even though the storms of life may cause the rest of me to toss and blow.

I will not be shaken.

So, if you are facing uncertainties in your day or in the near- future, I would say these things to you:

Hang on

Press into what you believe

Cling to what you KNOW is true

Put the Lord before you

Be blessed today.

For You cause my lamp to be lighted and to shine;

The Lord my God illuminates my darkness.

Psalm 18:28 (Amp)

A call into ministry can be a lonely path to walk: it is one filled with side journeys of doubt and insecurity as well as the most incredible blessings.

Most people don’t understand why I would choose this road and wonder what am “I” planning on doing with it….And, I must say, it’s pretty hard to explain it when I don’t have all the answers myself.

I often wonder: why me, Lord? what now? which way? how come? how long? are You sure?

I often feel ill-equipped, uncertain, unqualified, unappreciated, insecure, misunderstood… I struggle with being too busy and not busy enough….

I feel like this lighthouse- seated on a cliff where hardly anyone can see it unless you know it’s there and want to find it.

It’s rough some days..as rough as the waters that surround the cliff- beating a well worn pattern into the rocks…it feels as lonely and isolating as this lighthouse looks.

But, like a lighthouse, I am called to let my own light shine regardless of where I am placed and who is looking…I am to tell the wonders of He who saved me…I am to “proclaim the excellence of Him who called you out of the darkness and into His glorious Light” ( Sarah Young Jesus Always).

1 Peter 2:9

But you are chosen to proclaim the wonderful deeds and virtues and perfections of Him who has called you out of darkness and into His glorious Light.

And so I press on…for the One who has called me onto this lonely path is faithful to finish what He started in me.

Matthew 5:16

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good deeds and moral excellence and glorify your Father who is in Heaven.

I lean in…I question…I seek…I listen…I wait…

“I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me your highest priority… as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you” (Sarah Young Jesus Calling).

John 1:5

The Light shines on in the darkness…

#jesusalways #jesuscalling #jesuscallingbysarahyoung #preachergirl #calledbygod #purposedrivenlife #lightoftheworld #lightinthedarkness #ministrylife #churchofthenazarene

Being a person plagued with self doubt, I identify with this morning’s devotional reading from #jesuscalling by Sarah Young:

“Self pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression, and the darkness (there) is profound.”

Having just returned from an adventure with with my son and an encouraging event with my church, one should wonder why this strikes a chord so hard this morning.

The truth is that we have an enemy who likes to hit us where he can….and maybe it is more likely to happen when we are feeling contented so our defenses are down somewhat.

He likes to hit my “you’re not good enough” button..

Do you have one of those?

Perhaps you have one by another name…

The slimy, slippery slide of self pity is not a fun ride that I chose to wait in line for at an amusement park and yet I find myself on it anyway.

My limitations are suddenly mountains I can’t climb.

My dreams are unreachable.

My passions are foolish.

My talents are over exaggerated.

See where this goes?

To Nowhere-ville.

Planet Pity.

Cry-town.

In that pit I am frustrated, discouraged, irritated with bitterness knocking at my front door.

My husband gave me one simple word in response to the party invitation I sent him (to the pity party– get it?):

PATIENCE.

No one likes that word.

No one.

But there is empowerment in the wisdom of it.

Why?

Because it means I must be productive in the waiting.

It means I must be trusting in the waiting.

It means I must believe that the waiting time is temporary and will end at some point.

My time is not wasted there.

My resources are strengthened there.

My passions stir there.

When my thinking shifts, the last call signals drawing the pity party to an end…

I choose to think differently.

I choose patience.

I choose to look up from the darkness and reach up out of the sticky mire that tries to hold me captive.

I choose to climb back up toward the Light of Truth that says I do have value…I do have worth… I am created for a purpose.

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord;

He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me out of a horrible pit and out of the miry clay.

He set my feet upon a rock, steadied my footsteps, and established my path.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;

Many will see and will fear the Lord with reverence and will confidently put their trust in the Lord.

To all those folks who have cared for a small child ever in your life may remember an experience like this:

Me: don’t do that/touch that ~you will get hurt.

Child: I wanna anyway.

Me: I said don’t do it. You will get hurt. Step away.

Child: (thinking to self) I don’t believe you. Looks at adult with wide eyes innocence.

Me: I mean it. Don’t do it or you will also be in trouble.

Child: (of course) does it and (of course) gets hurt.

Me: dang it. Now there has to be a consequence, too, for the disobedience.

Why didn’t you just listen child??

I am reading the book of Exodus and an interesting part of the story of the Israelites jumped out at me.

Remember the part where the spies all sneak into the Promised Land of Canaan at the command of the Lord through Moses?It’s in Exodus 13 if you feel like doing a little light reading!

Within the group of spies, there was Joshua (Moses’s right hand man who rarely left the Tabernacle of the Lord) and Caleb (from the tribe of Judah).

Upon returning to the Wilderness of Paran, the spies were to tell of their findings. The majority of the spies were terrified of the people who inhabited the land promised to them.

They had also forgotten the mighty works of God that rescued them from Egypt…you know- the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, provision of manna, water from rocks, quail from nowhere, oh~and the presence of God that appeared as a cloud over the Tabernacle and led them as a cloud of fire by night.Just a few things….

In their fear, the spies lied and said the land was not all that great anyway and that the people living there would surely kill them all if they tried to advance.

Joshua and Caleb were like WHAT?!That land is flipping great and those people are no concern to us because we have the Lord on our side.

IF GOD SAYS THE LAND IS OURS THEN HE WILL MAKE IT OURS.

Period.

No more argument.
Let’s move, people, and take it.

The people, however, were like (get your best whiney-voice ready) “oh no…we’re never gonna make it. God obviously brought us here to die after doing all those amazing miracles. We never should have left the slavery and oppression in Egypt.”

WHAT?!

Needless to say, God was not pleased.He told them to do something..to trust Him and to do something…and all these people do is complain and say I can’t.

That’s where God decided to not let that complaining generation into the Promised Land (except for Caleb and Joshua). Once the last of the complainers had died, then the next generation would be allowed access to Canaan.

In 40 years.

Ok…so, here is the point~Exodus 14:40-45 tells us this next act of disobedience.

God: you can’t go in there.

People: He doesn’t really mean that.

Moses: uuuhhhh ..yes, He does.

People: no way… we’re His chosen people and that’s the land He promised us. We said we’re sorry…that makes everything all better.

Moses: uuuhhhhh….no, it doesn’t. Don’t you do it. You will be in big trouble if you do it….

People: Let’s go for it!

Verse 44- In their arrogance they dared to go up the ridge of the hill country;however, neither the ark of the covenant of the Lord nor Moses left the camp.

Guess what happened?

The Amalekites and Canaanites who lived there came and struck them and scattered them as far away as Hormah.

And the rest of that generation still wandered for 40 years as the Lord had previously decreed.

Those poor folks died for nothing.

We do that too, don’t we?

We are told to do something and either disobey entirely and not do it or do it on our own merit or time table…without God.

Perhaps we do something when we have been specifically told not to. We think- I won’t get hurt; I won’t get in trouble…

And then we are surprised when we do get hurt or get in trouble.

Why on earth is that?

The beauty of the story of the Israelites and Moses is the faithfulness of God through it all.

They complained- He provided.

They rebelled- He protected.
They chose idols over Him- He continued to reveal His glory to them.

In those years of wandering, in the time of “punishment”, God protected them, fed them, kept them from tiring, and would not even allow for their shoes to wear out.

That is what a good Father does…He holds to the consequence but loves the child all the way through it.

We are forgiven if we wander and disobey…but there is no promise of an easy road from that point on just because we are now sorry.

True repentance means to turn from the sin and to live a transformed life…including humility to accept the consequences when needed.

That’s a good story- The Exodus…I would recommend reading it often and see what little nuggets you can pull out to reflect on…

Ever feel like you’re in the middle of a “wilderness experience”?

Spiritually dry, emotionally empty, and feeling like you are physically wandering from place to place?

I was there this past year…

In fact, today is an anniversary of sorts: I recieved my very first infusion treatment for my Crohn’s disease. Ironically, I am scheduled for another infusion today. The emotion of today is acceptance…the emotion of last year was fear.

It took the wilderness time to get me from fear to acceptance.

Jesus Calling says it so well today:

“You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you not before you…Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever waits you on your journey.”

In regards to the Israelites living in the wilderness: the empty wilderness kept them dependent

(we feel needy, don’t we?)

and kept them from being distracted with the normal affairs of caring for land and animals.

(I could barely work let alone be distracted by much more than that)

They were starting over in their relationship with God after being enslaved and oppressed in Egypt.

I hadn’t been oppressed or enslaved when my time of wandering the wilderness began…

But I might have been pretty caught up in the day to day life stuff and the plan for myself I thought me and the Lord had agreed on.

Now, God did not cause my illness…but He did allow it to take root in me and rear up while He stood next to me, holding out His hand for me to take and walk with Him through it.

My wilderness time forced me to think.

It forced me to reevaluate my present and my future.

It forced me to to search my heart and find what desires have been put there by the Lord…and what things were not of Him that was keeping me apart from Him.

I did not have any huge revelations in that time but I did experience something similar to what the Israelites did:

I got to know myself better and who I was in the Lord. I got to know God better because He became the One whom I was most dependent upon.

These are important lessons…

Now to read the book of Numbers…

Have you ever tried to do something that seemed like a good idea and no matter how hard you tried it just did not work???

Have you ever pushed and pulled, tugged and yanked, poked and prodded, bended and lifted and what ever that something is just would not do what you wanted it to?

Have you ever tried to get something done but the more effort you put into it the more stressed out you seemed to get about it?

I tend to believe that if you try hard enough you ultimately get what you are trying to get….

I tend to believe that there are some things that are worth fighting for…

I tend to believe that there are good things we have to work hard and wait for…

I am also learning that if it seems like you keep meeting resistance then maybe you need to reevaluate what it is you are trying to do and why.

I am in NO WAY suggesting that if the going gets tough, quit…I am saying, however, that life shouldn’t always be about the battle either…

God is the giver of good gifts…His plan for my life, and for my children, is good but not promised to be easy or trial free (read my other Blog posts if you think my life is a piece of cake as a Christ follower😉).

Sometimes, as I trust Him, He seems to clear the pathway ahead me so neatly…with each step I take.

Other times, I think I may be throwing down my own litter that obstructs the view of the road He is cleaning…

I see certain options as good.

I see there are certain paths that I or my children can take that could be great….if it worked out.

BUT is that my plan for us or His?

When I try to force a plan into action, even with the best intentions in mind, and it just doesn’t seem to want to work no matter how hard I try, how hard I push, how hard I finagle, or what angle I try to approach from next

THEN MAYBE THAT ISN’T THE DIRECTION I SHOULD GO.

Seems pretty obvious, huh?

Yet, it isn’t is it?

If it were, we would all stop striving for something that was never ours to grasp and actually reach for what God’s plan is for us… A plan that will surpass our imaginations because He knows us better than we know ourselves!

How do I know I am stepping out onto a trail off of the path the Lord has for me?

THERE IS NO PEACE IN IT.

There is turmoil.

There is unrest.

There is stress.

There is worry.

And there is that still small voice, behind all the noise that is trying to confuse me, saying “Trust Me in this…don’t try so hard…relax….trust Me”.

What do I do?

I normally keep pushing…trying so desperately to make my plan work.

I call it trying to fit a triangle peg into a square hole.

It’s not gonna work Amy.

Normally, one of two things happen.

1. I get my way and I am still not happy. There is still no peace. There is still unrest. There is still turmoil.

Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

Does the saying “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” sound familiar to anyone???

2. One more hurdle gets in my way and I finally throw my hands up and submit to the Lord that this is not working what does HE want me to do.

Guess what? On that day (which was yesterday for me and my household) there is peace.

I finally feel at rest about our situation.

I finally feel excited for our son’s future.

I finally a sense of calm that the Lord is holding us in His hand and will continue to care for us, provide for us, shelter us…as long as we continue to trust and obey Him.

James 1:22 gives an incredible reminder to not just listen to (or read) God’s Word. We must do what it says. Otherwise, we are only fooling ourselves.

Be doer’s of the Word…not just hearer’s….because

If you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, THEN GOD WILL BLESS YOU FOR DOING IT.

Frankly, there is no greater blessing in my life then experiencing the peace that passes all understanding.

I sleep better at night with it.

Psalm 112:1-7,9

How joyful are those who fear the Lord and delight in obeying His commands.

Their children will be successful everywhere; an entire generation will be blessed.

They themselves will be wealthy and their good deeds will last forever.

Light shines in the darkness for the godly.

They are generous, compassionate, and righteous.

Such people will not be overcome by evil.

Those who are righteous will be long remembered.

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.

Their good deeds will be remembered forever. They will have influence and honor.

As I read that this morning I really felt the words speak to me.

There are moments in our lives that we wonder why should I do that….should I keep doing that…what does it matter anyhow…

There are people in our lives that we wonder how did they get there….should they be there…why aren’t they “there” more…

Frankly, those moments can hurt that seem out of reach and we are hurt by those people who have the relationship with us that they desire to have (distant and/or secretative, on their terms without regard to our preferences).

We want what we want, don’t we?

We seem to want just a little more on some days…

It would be so easy to sit there on those wishes and disappointments, wouldn’t it?

I think we can all agree we have all been guilty of growing stiff by staying in one place of longing for too long, can’t we?

It is so easy to wonder why someone doesn’t call, seem to want to spend more time with you, let you further into their life, love you like you love them…and miss out on who is standing there right in front of you.

It is so easy to remember the “good ole days” and miss out on those precious moments that keep passing by today…

It is so easy to think I will finally be happy when…and miss the joy that is right here and now.

This verse hit me where it hurts today…

How JOYFUL are those who fear the Lord and obey His commands.

When am I joyful? It is when I am being obedient to the One who has called me forward…

Their children will be successful…and blessed..

Ummmm-…who doesn’t desire that?!And the honest to goodness truth is that they already are..and the Lord allows me to see it!

Light shines in the darkness for the godly…

That is part of my obedience- to continue to speak truth, smile, show love to others (being generous, compassionate, and righteous).

When I am joyful in the Lord I do not fear bad news BECAUSE I am confident that He will take care of me and mine..

How do I have that assurance??

BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN FAITHFUL ALL THESE YEARS TO ME AND TO HIS PROMISES.

I am obedient to Him and He showers me with blessings in the form of the Fruit of the Spirit…not because of what I have done but because of who He is.

I do believe that what I have done, what I will do matters…who I have loved is honorable…

I just need to be reminded of that on a regular basis.

“Small decisions can have a powerful impact”~ what are you choosing to think on and act on today?

Trust me….it matters.

#psalms112

It is one of those wonderful, warmish, mornings where the spring rain has begun and the thunder is slightly rolling in the distance.

It is one of those mornings where I wish I had not agreed to change my schedule to work today instead of tomorrow because of the guaranteed awesome sleeping conditions thanks to the rain storm that could have happened today!

It is one of those mornings where my poor dog Max just can’t relax because he is so nervous during a rainstorm. He is moving from seat to seat, bed to bed: trying to find that sweet spot in the house (or next to me on the couch) that will allow him to feel safe.

It is one of those mornings where I am debating if I go dig out his thundershirt to ease his discomfort or let him go snuggle with the still sleeping body of boy who is home for the day….

It is not one of those mornings for him to do it all alone.

My devotions this morning speaks to this thought:

“When the way just ahead of you seems too difficult, turn to Me and say: ” I can’t, but we can.”

Acknowledging your inability to handle things on your own is a healthy dose of reality” (Jesus Always by Sarah Young May 23).

There have been many times over my “many” years of living (I am about to turn 4×11 so I am allowed to speak in such a way) that I have realized I cannot do this on my own.

The “this” has looked like many different things over these last few years: parenting different now that my husband travels for a living, fighting for someone I love who was dealing with suicidal depression, my own health issues…I could go on…

It doesn’t matter what we go through, what matters is who we go through it with.

We are not meant to live life alone…not only has God been so good to us by providing the ultimate Comforter and Counselor that is available and within us 24/7 in His Holy Spirit, but also He has graciously placed us in a community that is meant to support us in our endeavors.

Being able to speak up and say “I can’t handle this on my own” is truly a healthy sign of strength in a time when we feel our weakest.

Just like with Max…keep seeking that safe place…keep searching for that person to keep you company or to help you feel more stable… especially in a time of a storm.

In dancing only one can lead…the other follows otherwise there is much toe-stepping going on: and I don’t mean the yee haw, hoe down kind!

Without the proper give and take, there would not be a gracefully gliding bride in her sparkling gown looking as if her feet are barely touching the floor.

On the dancefloor of life, it is much the same…

“When a couple is dancing, one of them leads and the other follows. Otherwise, there is confusion and awkwardness. Dance with Me, beloved. Follow My lead as I guide you gracefully through your life” (Jesus Always).

What a beautiful analogy for following the Lord…

#jesusalways