My name is Amy… I answer to Amy or Amy Kay (by my cousin and those who know me well!). I will look up to the name “Amy-cakes” but that seems awkward if I haven’t known you for at least 20 years and you want to call me that… “Mom” and “babe” are what I hear most around the house!
I am officially and legally known as Amy Barber.

I am a normal person settling into the last half of her life…how crazy does that sound??? At 40+, you look back at the first half-much of which I don’t remember because I was a kid and what I do remember is what led me to be right here…staring ahead wondering what I will do for the Lord; where will He have me go?

Until Dee died, I never thought like that. When she died, everything changed. All my hopes and dreams for the future seemed uncertain suddenly: did I really want what I thought I had wanted anymore?

That was in 2009. Dee is my husband’s oldest sister- a mother figure to him and a big sister to me. She took over a room when she walked into it with her extremely large personality, take charge attitude, and no nonsense ways. She was bold and brave-someone I liked to be with because she made me feel special for being with her. We had so much fun together: I don’t think I will never have the kind of fun I had with her ever again…that part of me died with her.

Dramatic sounding, isn’t it? Well,  I can honestly say that I have been through counseling, read many books, and have finally found healing from the Lord for my guilt and regrets…I have made peace with that side of me and I accept my truth. It is what it is.

Trust me, though, I have fun! My relationship with Jesus has brought me an abundant life that far surpasses any other kind of “fun” from my previous life…it just isn’t the kind I had with Dee. My dream is a Chris Tomlin song- God’s Great Dance Floor- where I dream to dance again with a freedom I have only known with my sister…but it will be with absolute freedom with my Savior instead!

After Dee died, I lost myself. I sunk deep into nothingness. I no longer knew what I wanted, who I was…I felt no happiness nor would I let myself succumb to the sadness I felt either. I turned to alcohol….in that I relaxed finally; “fun” Amy could show up again; life seemed “normal”.

Except it was alcoholism that took Dee from her three children, parents, and us at the age of 41.

Alcohol became my “frenemy”- I loved and hated it. It became the only thing I knew how to “do” but I hated myself when I continually drank to excess.  My husband and our friends were drinkers so they thought nothing of it and encouraged me to “just have a good time”.

I kept this charade up that I had things under control until the Lord intervened and slowly, graciously changed my habits and desires. I am thankful that no serious consequences arose from my bad choices and habits but my memories of those experiences have left scars I cannot shake.

I finally found solace from the One who I was angriest with when I stumbled into a GriefShare class at a local church. After peeling through many layers of questions, confusion, and regrets  in those 13 weeks of class, I renewed my relationship with Christ and a new Amy emerged.

Since then, my marriage has completely been restored (we fell apart before my husband decided to follow Christ-on his own accord and God’s timing), the legacy of alcoholism is broken from our branch in the Family Tree, and the salvation of my in-laws has occurred! For my father in law it may have been on his death bed, but we at least have the assurance we will see him again someday! After his death, my mother in law became an active member and participant at our church-even involved in Bible studies and making friends of her own for the first time in years! When she passed away we knew she was where she had longed to be since Dad died: reunited in glory with Jesus.

God allowed my husband and I to work with the teens in our youth group under the leadership of our youth pastor and brought me full circle into the ministry that changed me- I not only help lead the GriefShare class that impacted me so greatly, but I was asked to share my testimony of faith, loss, and grief recovery and am in many of the new GriefShare videos viewed globally. Those opportunities have led to mission trips as a family and now a call into ministry for me where I am the Care and Connections Pastor at our church!

I have found that I LOVE to teach the Word of God! I have found that I LOVE to study the Word of God! I have found that I have a PASSION to talk about the healing found in Christ! I have found that my life does matter and that I can live to make a difference in my little corner of the world for the benefit of God’s Kingdom! I have found that I LOVE encouraging others that the same is true for them!!

Someday, I would not mind speaking my thoughts…but for now, I will try out writing them here while sharing as much as I can locally in person as allowed.

Isaiah 43:19 says “for I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway in the wilderness and I will create streams in the wasteland!!”  My life had been a wilderness and a wasteland where I wasted my God- given gifts and opportunities to serve His people for far too long. The fresh water streaming into my life is moving me forward and the pathway created is new and untraveled…but it is secure, safe, exciting, challenging, blessed.

The second half of my life is looking pretty good!