Tag: god

Living with the Wind Knocked Out of Me: Part 12 – REBUILD

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When I was in elementary school, I remember climbing on the playground structure and falling off.

Do you remember the uneven bars “of death” that some alleged architectural genius stuck off to the side of the structure that’s purpose was a climbing entry point? Too low to the ground to hang from but too high to get onto easily without climbing. The best way to use these bars was to climb on top of them – army crawl style- or (if you were really brave) to walk on top of them praying you didn’t slip through the spaces as you walked.

I think you may have the visual picture.

I was part crawling and part walking and, shockingly, fell through the bars and banged my chest on a bar as I slipped through it to the ground. Upon hitting the ground, you guessed it, I couldn’t breathe: the wind had been knocked out of me.

I vividly remember laying on the ground desperately trying to “catch” my breath. It was, to an elementary age child, agonizing. It felt like it took forever for me to be able to breathe normally although, I am sure, it took only a matter of seconds for me to recover.

I obviously did recover from that incident, but it is interesting that that is what I am reflecting on in this current season of today approximately 40 years later.

I am learning to live with the wind knocked out of me.

Nine months ago, I became a statistic. I was (and am) suddenly one of the thousands of women diagnosed with breast cancer daily and it took the wind out of me.

I was maneuvering through the so-called playground of life and fell through the bars, crashing my chest into the bar as I went down. All I had done “wrong” was participate in this playground of life. By “playing” I was vulnerable to the impact living exposes me to.

That means, because I walk this earth as you do, things happen: both good things and bad things.

Things that can elevate you in praise, glory, and wonder. Things that can bring you to your knees as you gasp for breath and plead for meaning or mercy.

As the weight of the diagnosis settled into my bones, I clung to what I knew as truth while I searched for refuge, purpose, clarity, healing, protection, and help. What I knew about myself up to that moment was both challenged and altered.

My physical self was completely changed as part of me was removed. Some may think that is not always a bad thing, especially because reconstruction was going to be in my future. Why not have the body many people desire to obtain, after all? Why not enjoy the “perk” of cancer? Why not augment what I had been given when I was being formed in my mother’s womb?

The physical changes are mere reflections, reminders, scars of what has occurred in places people cannot see: my emotional and spiritual self.

As my body is being sculpted into wholeness by the skilled surgeons assigned to my case, my inner being is being sculpted by the Great Physician, the Potter.

Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker- a piece of broken pottery among other broken pieces! Shall the clay say to the potter, “What are you doing?” ~Isaiah 45:9

The temptation is very strong to question why, to argue that “I don’t deserve this” as if to say others do, to feel sorry for myself as if I am helpless in my situation. There have been moments when I’ve been justified in my feelings, but that doesn’t make them right.

But “woe to him who quarrels with his Maker by saying “what are You doing?“

Shall the potter be considered equal with the clay, that the thing that is made would say to its maker, “He did not make me”; Or the thing formed say to him who formed it, “He has no understanding.” ~Isaiah 29:16

I have heard many sermons regarding God as the potter, and we are the clay in His hands. The shaping, the molding, the shards of clay forcibly pressed into the mold on the wheel, other pieces aggressively torn off all sound painful. We speak of pruning in biblical allegories as well, which also sounds painful.

The picture is of God, as the gardener, who must cut or tear off what is hindering the plant from producing fruit. The visual is of God, as the potter at his wheel, with sweat pouring off his brow as he firmly molds, aggressively shapes with his hands, squeezing and pressing new clay into the wheel, crushing to form a new or improved piece of clay.

Reconstructing. Rebuilding. Reforming.

Both the gardener and the potter could be viewed as focused. Intentional. Driven to accomplish the vision with purpose. With force if necessary.

We could easily turn these allegories into explanations for transformations. Who are we to argue with the Maker? Who are we to think we can escape the hands of the potter who made us?

“O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?” says the Lord. “Look carefully, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand…” ~Jeremiah 18:6

Through this season I have developed a different understanding:

Therefore the Lord waits and longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who long for Him. O people in Zion, you will weep no longer. He will most certainly be gracious to you at the sound of your cry for help; when He hears it, He will answer you. Though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of oppression, yet your Teacher will no longer hide Himself, but your eyes will see your Teacher. Your ears will hear a word behind you, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or left.” ~ Isaiah 30:18-21

15 years ago, I was so angry after the death of my sister-in-law. I was crushed that we never got the fairy tale ending to our story of addiction that I believed I was owed. I could not understand why, if there truly was a God, would a “good” God not intervene and stop her addiction? Why He didn’t stop ALL addictions. Why did He allow His creation to destroy itself?

Who else would succumb to the talons of addiction? Anyone it appeared.

In my anger, I decided to approach the One I was most angry with: God. So, I went to His “house”, His Church. Why not? What did I have to lose? Faith in something I didn’t like, understand, or could control?

Once there, I expected to be rejected. I expected to be exposed for the sinner that I was. I expected to be shamed for my behavior and choices. I expected to be told I was unwelcome and unwanted. Unredeemable. Unforgiven. Unloved.

I was going to the BOSS with disrespect because life was not working out the way I wanted it to. He wasn’t doing what I thought He should do even though I also was not doing what I was created to do myself. I wanted HIS blessings without having to serve Him. I demanded it, in fact.

I busted through the door into the throne room and found grace and mercy waiting for me there.

Therefore, let us (with privilege) approach the throne of grace with confidence and without fear, so that we may receive mercy (for our failures) and find (His amazing) grace to help in time of need (an appropriate blessing, coming just at the right moment) ~Hebrews 4:16

I was raised to “know better” that what I was doing. To “live better” than I was. Yet, I was met with open arms instead of hands ready to punish. Instead, His hands were ready to start the reshaping of me tenderly.

Reconstructing. Rebuilding.

Yes, I am the clay and He is the Potter. He sits at the wheel with focus and intentionality but also with LOVE as I, as the clay, am held in His nail-pierced hands. Every ounce of me that is being shaped, molded, and formed is being done so I am transformed more into His image. The spotless lamb. The suffering servant. The humble Messiah.

He has no stately form of majestic splendor that we would look at Him. Nor (handsome) appearance that we would be attracted to Him. He was despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and pain and acquainted with grief; and like One from whom men hide their faces He was despised and we did not appreciate His worth or esteem. ~Isaiah 53:2-3

But, in fact, He has borne our griefs, and He has carried our sorrows and pains; yet we ignorantly assumed that He was stricken, struck down by God and degraded and humiliated by Him. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was crushed for our wickedness; the punishment for our well-being fell on Him, and by His stripes (wounds) we are healed. ~Isaiah 53:4-5

Those are the hands of the Potter that I rest in. That is His character… not to harm me or hurt me as He molds me, but to lovingly and with grace shape me into who He created me to be.

Can you see the vision now?

Picture the Potter…not overly handsome or visibly strong in stature. His face is focused on what is in His hands, His eyes filled with grief over what I am bearing. His flogged-scarred body rocks gently as His foot pushes on the peddle to move the wheel while never losing sight of me, the clay.

I am being nourished with living water as new clay is brought to the wheel and as old clay falls off. The whole time I am nestled in the palm of His hands that willingly took the nails that held Him to the cross.

Can you see the beauty in it?

The tenderness?

The grace?

I have had cancer. I had my reconstruction surgery and have now been rebuilt externally…The Potter is still rebuilding the inside of me.

Shaping me.

Forming me.

Making me whole.

Giving me my breath back after having the wind knocked out of me.

Rebuilding me.

This is the Savior that I serve.

For God so loved the world He sent His only Son so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to judge and condemn the world, but that the world would be saved through Him. ~John 3:16-17

Living With the Wind Knocked Out of Me Part 10: ENTRUSTED

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Just about 11 weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer that had been officially diagnosed on February 10. Those two events of diagnosis and surgery radically changed my life, and I cannot say for the worse. Isn’t that ironic?

Three weeks ago, I returned to my bedside nursing position where I was rejoined with my amazing co-workers. At that same time, I planned and prepped to deliver two sermons back-to-back at different churches. Let me tell you: it was exciting to be able to accomplish what I had scheduled to accomplish prior to all this cancer business started!

In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise; in God I trust and am not afraid- what can man do to me?? I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to You. For You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. ~Psalm 56:10-13~

Where I am on this journey now is in the waiting. What that means is that I am in the in-between surgeries portion of my recovery process. I am in the que of scheduling another surgery that will remove the spacers I spoke of in a previous blog and to replace them with the permanent implant.

While waiting, I have started taking the medication Tamoxifen daily. I was diagnosed with ER+ breast cancer so that means I require hormone therapy to stop further cancer cells from forming thanks to my estrogen. I’ll be taking it for approximately 5-10 years BUT I won’t need chemotherapy or radiation alongside it: THANK THE LORD.

Most of the time, being in the waiting is no fun and requires a lot of patience. It often is filled with questions for the unknown about what is going to happen next. I’ve been known to give the encouragement to be productive in the waiting; be purposeful, maintain hope, be teachable…

I think I’d like to add this: be thankful.

It’s a perspective shifter, for sure, when you can find something to be thankful for when you’re waiting for the next thing. Anything to be thankful for.

In the aftermath of the diagnosis and surgery, I was shell-shocked. I was in disbelief that this had even happened. I could not wrap my brain around the idea that I was actually diagnosed with cancer and that my body now looks completely different on account of that.

Could my situation have been worse? Heck yeah, it could have been, and I was acutely aware of that.

Did that make me grateful while I was looking at a scarred figure in the mirror with zero stamina to walk my block or take care of my own basic needs in those early days?? Not really.

I was NOT thankful that I was in this situation at all. Frankly, I was miserable in it. I was in physical pain and emotional turmoil. I recognized that the physical discomfort was temporary, but that did not bring me much comfort as I knew that I was now physically altered in a way I never asked to be.

But I pray to You, Lord, in the time of Your great favor; in Your great love, O God, answer me with Your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink. Deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of Your love, in Your great mercy turn to me. ~Psalm 69:13-16

In the early days of my recovery, I determined to be obedient to the Lord and what I discerned was a request He had of me: surrender to this, Amy. Surrender to Him. Surrender my time, my healing, my plans: present, past, and future.

Don’t DO, just BE.

In response to that, I made up my mind:

“I WILL NOT DIE, BUT LIVE AND WILL PROCLAIM WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE”

(Psalm 118:17).

Surrendering to the recovery process included being in a place of submission toward my emotional response to all this. Once again, I was faltering with the idea that it is acceptable to not be ok with what is happening. I struggled with the thoughts that crying frequently must be a sign that I’m not “doing this well.” I contemplated the need for an antidepressant or counseling (neither are bad options but were they necessary for me??).

I worried that I could be doing this better in order to faster accept my new reality in a new body.

So, I let go.

That’s when the craziest revelation came to me:

I have been given a gift with this cancer diagnosis. I have been ENTRUSTED with the diagnosis of breast cancer and the treatment plan for it for me.

Do I DARE believe that?!!

Could I possibly ACCEPT that notion as reality??!!

ENTRUSTED.

I told you, in the beginning, that when I first felt “the lump” there was a Scripture verse from Isaiah that had been rattling around in my spirit for hours that very day. That, when I looked in the mirror after feeling it, I said to the Lord, as I looked my own self in the eye, “You meant ME, didn’t You? I’m really going to go through this. This is really going to happen.” I also said I went to sleep with great peace not too long after the discovery.

WHEN you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and WHEN you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. WHEN you walk through the fires you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze ~Isaiah 43:2

I have told you of the waters raging all around me, getting deeper and deeper with a faster and faster current threatening to pull me under.

I have told you of the heat of the fire as it burned in me and around me.

My feelings have been real. My story telling has been raw. My experience has left me vulnerable and exposed in more ways than I imagined.

I have shared it all with you as the truth of what I have been thinking, feeling, going through.

And now, 11 weeks after the surgery that removed the cancer from my body and almost 5 months since we heard the words “YOU HAVE CANCER”, I’m telling you I believe I have been entrusted with it.

God did not GIVE me cancer. I am not PUNISHED by Him and therefore “cursed” with cancer. I did nothing to DESERVE having it or to have caused it.

However, I made a choice to follow Jesus with my entire life about 15 years ago. As I grew in my relationship with Him, I CHOSE to make the decision to declare –no matter what happened– “Blessed be the Name of the Lord.”

I made that vow YEARS ago. YEARS AGO.

And wouldn’t you know (if you remember) the one lyric I recalled as I was panic stricken in the OR room while on the OR table was from the song, “Blessed Be Your Name.”

That lyric comes from the book of Job 1:21. Job made his own declaration after he had suffered unspeakable loss~

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

I MADE my choice to follow Jesus no matter what happened because I had lived my life without Him when things happened…the peace that comes by being able to declare with confidence, “blessed be the name of the Lord” has replaced the emptiness I previously experienced after loss, the hopelessness I felt, the regret, the anger, the shallow pool that numbing and denial created.

Jesus NEVER said, “Follow Me and life will be easy.” Instead, He said, “Life will get harder than you can imagine because you follow Me, but I will be with you through it…I will strengthen you…I will hold you…I will give you power through the Holy Spirit to endure and still be joyful.”

He said, “Keep your eyes on Me. Watch what I do. Follow My example. Stay close to Me.”

The ultimate example to follow will be that He overcame the grave…He conquered death. He ROSE to life. He is ALIVE. He ascended to His Father in heaven in front of witnesses and the world has never been the same since.

We WILL experience that too.

I have experienced the living Christ. I am forgiven because of His death on the cross. I am redeemed. Restored. Made whole.

I am not perfect, and I fall short daily in my efforts to be like my Savior. But that is ok… He died for me (and you) while we were still in sin (which means outside of the right relationship with God we were meant to have) because He still loved us no matter that we did not love Him.

So, I choose Him. I choose to live for Jesus as my King. That means I surrender all to Him whether I understand everything that happens in my life or not.

I did not understand why I was diagnosed with cancer. I was not angry over it, but I was certainly confused…why now? What next? How on earth has this happened??

The question of, “Do I trust You still” was answered with an emphatic yes! As the apostle Peter said, “where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life.”

My choice had been made: BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.

THAT choice allowed me to sleep that first night. That choice gave me strength to tell our family, to cry publicly instead of hiding in shame, to ask for prayer to HEAR the voice of the Lord so I would know what to do instead of asking for healing.

That choice comforted me as memories of my beautiful friend that had died from cancer not too long ago washed over me with a grief so fresh it could have broke me.

That choice kept me turning to Him for strength that many of you have nicely told me I exhibited when I did not feel strong at all.

That choice showed me I was loved. I was seen. I matter. That THIS diagnosis, this hurt in this world matters.

That choice is what convicts me to tell my story so many more will see themselves somewhere in it and know how loved they are as well.

For God so loved THE WORLD….

So, yeah. I was entrusted with it. I knew to give it to God so He could use it. Why go through it for any other reason???

Living with the Wind Knocked Out of Me: Part 8~ The Surgery

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On February 3, while I was spending alone time with the Lord (I often refer to it as a Spiritual Retreat), one passage stood out from all the others I read that afternoon:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid for I am with you… (Isaiah 43:1-5)

Big words to repeat to myself when I found the lump not too long later…when I told my husband what I believed in my heart to be coming our way… as I went through the 3-D mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy… when we heard the results a few days later…as we told our children, my parents, our closest friends.

I have cancer.

As the title says: It takes the wind right out of you. It sweeps your legs out from underneath you. It starts you on a journey you never dreamed you would go on.

But do not be afraid when you go….

“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms. But anyone who follows Christ on their own terms, for a return on investment, misses out on intimate communion with the God of the universe and is instead left holding a detailed contract with a business acquaintance… Christianity is about following Jesus to get the riches of Jesus Himself... There is a holy world of difference between a relationship with God that embraces and enters into suffering, knowing that suffering is always exactly the shape and form and heart of His passion, and the kind of relationship that braces to avoid all suffering, passionately demanding a life of no suffering if God really loves us” (Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).

This is our choice: EMBRACE and enter suffering or BRACE to avoid suffering.

Whether we will suffer or not is not what is in question. The question, the choice we have to make, is how will we approach it when we face it.

When you pass through the waters.

When you pass through the rivers.

When you walk through the fire.

VosKamp goes on to write, “If God asks much of you, how much will you answer with your life? If God asks for complete authority over your life but doesn’t give you completely what you want, do you still completely give yourself to Him?”

Following the feeding of the 5000 where those who followed Jesus were given enough bread (and fish) to not only be satisfied but to also have leftovers, Jesus gave the difficult to hear teaching where He declared Himself to be the Bread of Life: partake of Him and NEVER be hungry again.

He met their physical need of hunger miraculously and they were thrilled…ecstatic… ready to make Him their King by force then and there. But when He went beyond meeting their physical need to discuss their spiritual hunger and His ability to satisfy their spirits and their eternity..? He was rejected.

Miracles? Yes, please. Sign me up.

Be challenged to believe that the miracle worker is truly the Son of God? Receive sustenance for the immediate hunger: yes. Receive sustenance for eternal hunger: no.

“Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven.Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world”

John 6:47-51

People want miracles. People want an immediate fix to the present uncomfortable situation. People want an instant alleviation to pain. Yet, Jesus offers so much more than that. He challenges His followers to see beyond these present sufferings to a much bigger picture… a much bigger perspective… a much longer existence than this mortal life.

He says, I give you food and you will still die. You partake of ME and you will LIVE.

While we want to brace against suffering, Jesus says, “Let me take you through it and see what I will do with it… I overcome it.”

That is called RESSURECTION POWER, folks.

Lysa TerKeurst writes, “Just as we must sit close enough to a tree to enjoy the benefits of its shade from the scorching heat, so we must also position ourselves near to God if we desire His comfort, protection, and deliverance” (Seeing Beautiful Again Page 48).

There is a problem with hard lessons, though. We do not like them… we want to avoid them…maybe even abandon the cause we once stood for or believed in when it was easier to do so.

We inadvertently step away from the tree that we could benefit from.

When Jesus gave His teaching that He was the bread of life, we read the response of those who were listening in John 6:66~

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

They walked away from the tree that provides the benefits. This was AFTER they saw His miraculous feeding too.

They wanted what they wanted from Him and not what He wanted to give…when what He would give was going to satisfy them far more than they were willing to imagine.

What am I willing to imagine?

Jesus looked at His chosen twelve disciples and asked them if they were going to leave Him too…

Their collective response came from Peter in verse 68~

Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the word of eternal life.

There is that choice: embrace and face it or brace to avoid it.

Jesus was teaching things people- even His closest disciples- did not understand and He was starting to make enemies of those listening. In a sense, He was losing His popularity and gaining hostility wherever He went. He was not performing in the way they believed the Messiah should.

“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms“

(Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).

Leading up to my surgery date, I was surrounded by people who kept amazing me with their love and support for me.

I was overwhelmed by my coworkers who wore matching shirts they had purchased in my honor and surgical hats to bring awareness to the Breast Cancer cause. We met for a dinner where they gave me a huge poster board signed by many that I come into contact with during my work days and we laughed together as we ate together (which is rather unheard of in the nursing world to be able to all eat at the same time).

My girl and I had a “Garrie-Day” where we just spent the day together doing things that she and I liked to do together.

My best friend took me indoor “sky-diving”! Have you ever been? I highly recommend it! I do not think I ever felt more alive than when I was “flying”!!

The night before my surgery, my best friends came over for a “bra-burning” celebration with mocktails and karaoke. We realized that when the bra is burned, the support wires remain. How interesting is that? After the fire, the support is still there…

I then spoke on the phone with both of my sons who were unable to come home for my surgery. I wanted to tell them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, that it was more than okay that they keep going with what they had going on (Nic was completing his finals at WMU and Troy is stationed in Washington). I did not want them to feel any guilt or regret that they were not home: they were exactly where I wanted them to be. Have I mentioned that I love them lately??

Through all this, my wonderful husband stood by in his quiet way, letting my cup be filled with those the Lord had placed in our path over the years. I cannot count the number of texts, emails, calls, and cards I have received telling me that I am loved and that I matter in this world. It is hard to describe what the knowing of that means to a person who is fighting off fear, so I thank you for arming me for battle.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear (1John 4:18)

When I woke up on my surgical day, I took the last shower that I could have for a few weeks. I could not wear makeup but I opted to do my hair as I figured I might as well look as nice as I could: “dress for success” and all that I guess.

I ran into a co-worker upon my arrival to the hospital and got in a “last” hug of support from the “chosen” Endo representative. However, when I woke up from my surgery, Dan informed me that he had run into another co-worker in the cafeteria during my surgery and she was wearing a #TeamAmy shirt! I later realized when numerous co-workers sent me texts with pictures of themselves that they ALL wore those shirts once again on my surgery day – unbelievable.

My emotions began to creep up on me the closer to my surgical time came. My eyes burned so much it was hard to see.

More OR co-workers peeked around my privacy curtains to say hello and to wish me well. I surprisingly wheeled by my colo-rectal surgeon while on the way to the area where my Sentinel Node was to be injected. When I was wheeled back to my curtain area upon completion of the Sentinel Node marking, I saw that my oldest friend from college surprised me by driving over two hours just to sit in the waiting room with my family.

Minus my sons, all those I loved were grouped in a bunch in the waiting room wearing matching shirts that said “this is a beautiful day to fight cancer” and they were all there for me. For Dan.

Our pastor and friend came to pray with us and that was when the tears started to fall. Being told I was strong when I did not feel strong anymore, that I could do this but I did not know what this meant anymore, that I “had” this but I decided I no longer wanted it was running conflictedly through my head.

I suddenly wanted to brace myself for avoidance of this suffering because the bravado of embracing it had finally worn off.

I no longer felt strong or confident. I felt weak and exposed. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. I had been so close to the tree for protection from the scorching heat but now felt alone. Utterly alone. My mind was devoid of thoughts and scripture.

To the words of “He is with you”, I was taken to the operating room.

I looked and couldn’t find Him.

I felt myself frantically looking all over the room and not finding the peace I was searching for. I gripped the table and felt my whole body tense up with my knees bent even though I was given plenty of medication to relax me.

I couldn’t breathe and started to cry. I wanted this over. I wanted Dan. Did he know I loved him?? Did he get lost in the shuffle because of his humble willingness to step aside and let others give love and support to me? Was he ok? Would he be ok??

My surgical team kept reassuring me, reminding me I was not alone, to go where I knew I would find comfort…

I begged God to show me where He was… to bring His Word to my mind in my panic….

I felt my brain quickly flipping through endless pages of thoughts without an ability to land on anything. My desperation increased and my surgical team could sense it.

Finally, my brain settled on one thing: a song lyric~

Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name…On the road marked with suffering, though there is pain in the offering, blessed be Your name (Matt Redmond)

Of all lyrics…

On the road marked with suffering, still I will say, blessed be Your name…

You can’t make this stuff up. That’s like verses 2 and 3: who immediately goes to the 2nd verse when you think of a song? Most of us remember the chorus (that’s not it) or the 1st verse (also not it). My brain went to the second and 3rd verses…blessed be Your name.

I legit remember nothing but that lyric until I woke up in the PACU.

The surgery went as expected: blessed be the name of the Lord.

The cancer was successfully removed: blessed be the name of the Lord!

The nerve block anesthesia provided was keeping me from pain: blessed be the name of the Lord.

The mixture of medication given to me by the CRNA kept me free from nausea: blessed be the name of the Lord.

My family and friends put in one heck of day in that waiting room as my surgery took close to 8 hours. They all came to see me (quickly) as I was settled into my inpatient room for the night before they felt comfortable to leave me in the very capable hands of Dan and Garrie (and the nursing staff, of course).

Dan left for the night and I was alone again…this time knowing I really wasn’t.

In the morning, the surgeons were pleased with my initial recovery process so Dan took me home that afternoon with strict instructions to let me (make me) take it easy… no lifting anything, take my pain medication, no showering, rest, rest, rest.

This is my current schedule:

The anticipation is over. The surgery is completed. The cancer is gone. The recovery has started with all that it entails… pain management, movement for activity, body image issues, emotional adjustments, drain maintenance, doctor appointments…

It’s a lot.

Psalm 88

O, Lord, the God of my salvation, I have cried out {for help} by day and in the night before You. Let my prayer come before You and enter into Your presence; incline Your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles… I am like a man who has no strength, cast away from the living…You have laid me in the lowest pit, in dark places, in the depths… But I have cried out to You, O Lord, for help; and in the morning my prayer will come to You…

I press on.

Let the recovery begin…

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Living with the Wind Knocked Out of Me: Part 7~ Receiving

thischicksinpeace1 Comment

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God (1 John 3:1)!

Here we are at the end of the first part of this cancer journey. In a few short days, after all the stress, worry, anxiety, sleepless nights, I will be having my surgery to rid this body of mine from cancer.

My incision from the Crohn’s abscess has healed nicely and I have even told my husband that I think my situation with the fistula may have even changed for the better finally! After having been so worried about that infection being an issue for this upcoming surgery, I can now see that what happened is what needed to happen when it happened for the best possible overall outcome to occur.

How crazy is that??? What looked like a horrible situation turned into… dare I even say it… a blessing.

A very wise friend often reminds me to use extreme caution when labeling a situation as either good or bad as we do not see the whole picture at the time of labeling. What may seem “good” could, in fact, have a poor outcome and what seemed “bad” may ultimately be what is best for us.

That being said, this cancer diagnosis has seemed to be very bad. I am guilty of having been quick to label it as such. Who could say cancer is good???

Give thanks IN all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

What IF there were things that are good in what seems to be so bad that what seemed bad becomes good?

Could you follow that thought? Let’s say it again…

What IF there were things that are good in what seems to be so bad that what seemed bad becomes good?

How about, when we see those good things in the bad stuff, we give thanks? Maybe that is when the tide suddenly changes…

What if…

I’ve been a caregiver for all of my life. At a young age I remember being babysat by a young mom who had a newborn. I know I was under the age of 2nd grade at that time and I was changing his diapers for her because I loved to help care for him. I remember getting her water so she could drink it while she was breast feeding him (discreetly).

I began babysitting officially by the 6th grade. I volunteered in the church nursery as often as I could. I volunteered in the elementary school’s after school child care program (Latch Key Kids) so often they finally started to pay me real money instead of volunteer hours.

My grandparents became ill when I was in junior high school and required assistance in their home with simple tasks. By the time I was in high school, I was proficient in skills that would qualify me for a position as a Certified Nurse’s Assistant.

I entered Bronson School of Nursing fresh out of high school and became an RN by the time I was 20 years old.

In my almost 50 years of living, I have become quite skilled at seeing who needs help and have learned how to meet that need with ease. It is as natural to me to do it as it is for me to breathe.

I have become very adept at being a giver.

I have been told that givers make terrible receivers.

I’m not one who likes to be told I’m terrible at anything, so that does not settle well with me. However… I think it is true. Letting people do things for me or give me things is not easy.

I like the passage that says “do for others as you would have them do for you” but I do not particularly desire that to be tested. I’ll just keep doing -thank you very much- and hope it would be reciprocated while not necessarily expecting it to be.

So I give. And give. And give.

I’ll make a meal. Change my schedule to suit others. Show up. Donate. Whatever.

Don’t you? I don’t think I’m too unusual in my choices…We do what we need to do when it needs to be done, right?

I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll bring it up again because I think it is a significant point. This past summer I felt like I was breaking. I felt lost and unfocused. I knew what I wanted to do but could not drum up the energy to do it. I felt drained. That made me feel insecure. Repeat cycle.

I felt the Lord nudging me to spend time with Him- alone time; quality time. I made the choice to carve out space for a spiritual retreat while on vacation for our 25th Wedding Anniversary to visit our Navy son stationed on Whidbey Island, Washington.

That choice unraveled the tangled ball of emotions built up inside me with the undercurrent theme running through each thread saying, “NOURISHMENT is found HERE.”

I left that trip with the realization that the cure for my restlessness and lack of focus, my emptiness and emotional fatigue, was to keep spending time alone with the Lord. To keep carving out space that looked different than my daily routine of Bible reading with devotionals.

The next opportunity revealed to me that I am KNOWN by God, I am SEEN by God, and that I am FIERCELY LOVED by God.

The next opportunity of nourishment revealed to me that I have cancer… I had felt the lump.

Whoah…wait…what??

Not exactly the pattern I was looking for or expecting in my set aside time with the Lord.

BUT… in that revelation I was also validated that I was still SEEN, KNOWN, and LOVED through the giving of the scripture passage found in Isaiah 43:1-4 that I’ve quoted many times in this series.

Just because I don’t like the circumstance does not mean I am not seen, known, or loved. Instead, truly believing and accepting those things as truths has become what has sustained me through these days up until my surgery.

What God did next was to choose to show me how loved I really am and He used His people, His creation, to make His point.

Would I receive what He had to give, though?

That has not been easy: givers are terrible receivers.

What is it about receiving a gift that is so darn hard?? Why is it awkward? Why does it feel like there is an expectation attached to the giving that I must measure up to?? Why do I feel like I need to do something in return: that I now need to GIVE BECAUSE I HAVE RECEIVED?

Somewhere along the line relationships have become transactional for me. You know how it goes: you do something for me and I’ll do something for you. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Nothing is done without a catch. Without an expectation. Without an ulterior motive waiting in the wings.

But that is not what our God does.

He made us in His image because He wanted to.

He paved a way for unperfect us to be in a right relationship with perfect Him because He wanted to.

Jesus took the flogging, wore the crown of thorns, carried His cross, laid down on it and held His hands steady as the nails pounded into His wrists, and then gave up His spirit for us because He wanted to.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)

It was not transactional. It was covenantal.

God’s plan. God’s idea. God’s way. God’s choice.

OUR BENEFIT.

What do we do then?

BELIEVE IN HIM and RECEIVE HIS GIFT OF LIFE.

Then why do I still feel like I am unworthy? Not good enough? Need to do more??? That I owe God something?

For whatever reason, God has determined to show me His love and His desire for me to let Him lavish it upon me. To receive it.

Over and over in these weeks, I have shared the different ways God has provided for me. I have been humbled by the outpouring of love shown to me in these days. I have come to believe that all of us, whether we want to accept it or not, are the hands and feet of Jesus in this world and your acts of kindness displayed have come through the extension of His arms and legs.

1 John 4:19 ~ “We love because He first loved us.”

Nothing we do out of love comes from another source but the source of life. Nothing. After all, EVERY good and perfect gift comes from our Father in heaven (James 1:17).

Every good deed.

Every kind word.

Every flower purchased or card sent.

Every text and phone call.

Every random person I have ran into that has either blessed or encouraged me.

Every divine encounter with a physician or clinician.

I have tried to down play the experiences, but it is not working. I have tried to explain away why someone may say or do something nice to me. I have tried to convince myself that coincidental encounters are just that: coincidence. I have tried to interpret the timing of events as not that big of a deal. I have tried to minimize the effect kindness has had on me.

I have wondered, “what have I done to deserve these good things” instead of “why do I have cancer?”

I have wondered, “who am I to be blessed in these ways” instead of shaking my fists to the heavens in anger that I have cancer.

I have sat back, humbled, as I receive what is being offered to me because I am loved.

This last week has been one outpouring expression of love after another: my work co-workers have no idea what they have done for my heart and attitude. My friends have come out of the woodwork to spend time with me, to say the most incredible words of encouragement to me, to comfort me. Acquaintances or people from my past have stepped to the forefront with memories to share and words of wisdom and support to offer.

I sit back and ask, “why all this? Who am I? What have I done to deserve this kindness and love?”

The answer comes from within my spirit: “Nothing. You’ve done nothing but be who I created you to be and that is more than enough. It has always been enough and it will always be enough. It is not in what you DO, it is in who your ARE: MY beloved child.”

It’s humbling. It’s hard to receive when my knee-jerk reaction is to reject it, minimize, or boom-a-rang gift it back.

But again and again, the Lord keeps impressing on me to receive it. Receive this gift. Receive this love. It is Mine to give and it is yours to receive.

When was the last time you received a compliment and just took it? You didn’t give one back or make an explanation about it? When was the last time you felt good enough to receive it? Worthy?

Here is the thing. YOU ARE.

Maybe, just maybe, this “bad” experience I’ve been writing about has been “good” all along. Maybe it has been good because it has shown how far God will go so His children know how loved they are.

Like I said, I’m so distracted by all the kindness shown to me that I’m more baffled over that than I am about why I have cancer. What matters, suddenly, isn’t that I have cancer but that I am loved.

I cannot feel anger over my situation because I am too overwhelmed by the goodness being extended to me.

I cannot feel fear because perfect love drives out all fear (1 John 4:18).

I’m so busy thanking God for all the random things He’s been doing that my anxiety has disappeared.

I’m so absorbed by the amazing things being done around me that I’m wrapped up in a peace that makes no sense.

I’m so enthralled by the events of the present -a present that consists of me having cancer- that I am becoming excited for the possibilities to come in the future.

Maybe me writing this is so someone can see where God is working for good in their “bad” situation too.

So this cancer is supposed to be bad, right? Then why do I feel so good?

As I close the page on this chapter of my life, I can honestly say I have been changed by this experience of breast cancer. I am different for the fear of it, the worry in it, and the hope through it.

In a few days I will no longer have breast cancer -PRAISE GOD- but I will be recovering physically from my surgery as well as emotionally from the process that led me to my decision of a double mastectomy. This next chapter will be interesting, to say the least.

However, today I can honestly say I am thankful for all of this It makes no sense, but that is what my heart is feeling right now; thankfulness.

The Scripture says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit…I guess thankfulness is the result of that closeness.