Tag: hope

Living with the Wind Knocked Out of Me: Part 9~ Recovering

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First of all, I want to say thank you to all who have read this blog journey. Secondly, I did not intend to write and publish my thoughts to attract attention or to seek sympathy, however I have been overwhelmed by the support you have shown to me through your comments and face to face interactions. My purpose in writing publicly was to process my thoughts, to safeguard my memories of this experience, and to encourage others who may have had or will have a similar experience.

Today marks the beginning of the 6th week since my bilateral mastectomy surgery.

You have joy even though you may have had to suffer for a little while. You may have had to suffer sadness in all kinds of trouble. Your troubles have come in order to prove that your faith is real. Your faith is worth more than gold. `~1 Peter 1:6-7

When I came home from the hospital, we all were surprised how incredibly TIRED I was! To be honest, I do not remember too much until about 3 days later- which is just crazy!

That nerve blocker worked like a dream so I was able to maintain a decent comfort level with the pain medication recommended. Dan proved himself to be a wonderful nurse and kept a close eye on when it was time for me to have my next dose for pain control and my antibiotics. He made sure I always had something to drink close by, that I was safe with simple ambulation to the bathroom, and that I woke up to eat something every now and again.

Essentially, this was Home Base for the first week or so.

I had four drains coming out of my sides under each armpit (2 on each side). Those needed to be drained and measured twice a day and my husband proved to not be squeamish at all! I was very impressed with his tender loving care!!

Side note: those drains HURT.

Pain medication does not eliminate the discomfort that comes from pushing on the sore spot. When a person is still, the discomfort is less. With movement, however, a person feels all of it. It’s just the way it goes with incisions and drains: we’re going to feel pain. We still have to move around, as sitting in one place is not a viable option either for recovery.

We’re going to feel the pain. I’m going to feel the pain.

As a nurse, I have been known to say that “surgical pain heals.” Well, I’m banking on that one, folks… It sure better.

At the 1 week “surgery anniversary”, Dan and I ventured out for a car ride to visit our surgeon. This was the first time I could really talk to her while not under the influence of anesthesia as well as get the official pathology results from my breast tissue that was removed.

While there we received good news and surprising news.

The good news: all the cancer was removed with good, clean/clear margins. There were 2 tumors found in the left breast that were both Invasive Ductal Carcinoma HER+. The lymph nodes removed showed no signs of cancer.

PRAISE THE LORD!

The surprising news? There was another tumor found in the right breast that also came back HER+ but called NON-invasive Ductal Carcinoma.

A second cancer in the other breast.

I looked that surgeon in the eye and said, “I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR THE BILATERAL MASTECTOMY. I KNEW I NEEDED TO HAVE ONE. I JUST KNEW IT!”

Then I promptly burst into tears!

Her response was an emphatic, “yes, you did.” She was genuinely shocked by the pathology as this was not expected at all.

All that worrying and wondering about what kind of surgery to have… wondering if I was being “dramatic” for going so “over the top” in my treatment choice… I WAS RIGHT.

Praise God for the guidance that helped me make the right decision for me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don’t lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Two shell-shocked people people left the office that day.

The next day we had a different appointment with the plastic surgeon so we could now begin the process of “filling.”

This is a sample replica of the “fun” little gadget that was put into me. It is called a “spacer” and its design is to be filled up like a balloon weekly so my skin can slowly stretch around it in preparation for the permanent implant to be surgically placed in a few months time.

The “filling” itself is not painful (I’ll spare you the details), but the stretching…. Oh my goodness gracious. That’s a whole other thing.

Yikes. It hurts.

When it stops hurting…guess what? It’s time for another fill!

We do this until I say we are done. That means when I’m at the “size” I want to be from now on.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast ~1 Peter 5:10

Washing My Hair Day became the highlight of my week in those early days. It is certainly not a flattering picture, but it’s as real as it gets folks…I was not allowed to do much with my arms – especially repetitive motion activities – because it would cause fluid to build up in my surgical area. That means “scrubbing my head” myself was out. The other component is that it hurt to lift my arms, let alone to hold them up over my head, so this was just not an activity I could do by myself.

Thankfully, as you can tell from the picture, my family enjoyed helping.

I was not allowed to shower as long as those darn drains were in… they stayed in for 4 weeks. 4 weeks of no showering or immersion bathing. 4 weeks. Now, it is one thing to have help washing my hair and emptying my drains…but it is a whole other thing to require assistance with bathing.

I am an RN. I am the person who helps others. I have bathed many hundreds of people over my years as a bedside nurse. I know it is not a big deal. I know it is something that just needs to be done.

It’s not a big deal until you are the one who needs help with that particular activity of daily living.

Dan and I met when I was 21 to his 22 years of age. We got married when I was 23 and he was 24.

We bought our home when I was 25 and he was 26 years old. Our Troy was born when I was 27 and Nic came into this world when I was 30 years old.

We celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary this past Labor Day when we visited Troy in the PNW.

We have been to the pits in our marriage and have been restored to something far better with the help of Jesus Christ. We are committed to the vows we spoke on that beautiful day 25+ years ago. We are committed to each other. We are committed to our family. We are committed to the Lord.

But…this has been hard.

Not on our marriage, per se… just hard.

“In sickness and in health…until death do us part” are real words all the sudden. They mean something now. In “sickness” means more than sitting by a bedside while others provide the care. It means that YOU provide the care. YOU protect the person you are committed to. YOU advocate for that person.

YOU wash their back when they can’t.

YOU cry quietly behind them while they cry openly on the stool when sitting in front of you while you run the soapy rag over their back.

And when they cry while alone with you in the bedroom at night, you cry with them too.

That’s marriage.

It’s as humbling as it is beautiful.

The day those drains came out meant I could finally shower! It meant I was also one step closer to finally sleeping on my side and that it would not hurt as bad anymore when I lifted my arms up over my head or was hugged by those who love me.

Thanks to a friend we had our first shower chair in the house! I have never felt so good as I did when that hot water ran over me that wonderful day! I turned on Spotify as I climbed into the shower and the song that came on was “I’m still counting my blessings”. To listen to music that declared the thankfulness I was feeling from such a simple pleasure brought me to tears.

Building my endurance came next. I slowly began to walk 1 lap around the block and then 2…and then 3. I still could not do much with my arms though so these were not high cardio laps!

Going to the grocery store (with a companion) became the place where I realized I could measure my progress. After the first time we went, I was so exhausted I needed to take a nap. It progressed to needing to only sit down while Dan did the check out part (but that was after we had already been at a different store first).

I also started driving by myself.

I finally went back to church… and to restaurants… even to a show to see Hamilton!

We’ve had many visitors over these weeks to help lift my spirits. We’ve received many cards, calls, and texts too. People have been incredibly generous with gifts and meals as well.

I’ve had a silly goal that I want to carry my purse again.

My purse choice has always been to be a large one and I was specifically told it was too heavy for me to carry. Initially, I had a 3lb weight limit that very slowly increased to 10 lbs. I’ve never weighed my purse, but the running joke is that is weighs more than my dog weighs (a 16lb shiatzu). All that means is carrying my purse is just not gonna happen.

I’m known for my big bags. I LIKE my big bags. It’s one of those crazy “identity” things.

I’ll know I’m better when I’m carrying it again.

Well…here we are on the 1st day of week 6 and I’m carrying that purse around now!

Silly goals work, I guess!

My body is healing. I’m preparing to return to work as an RN and as a pastor. I’m thinking ahead. I’m eating healthy. I’m wanting to make plans for the future. My emotions are a work in progress and something to write about on a different day.

But.

All in all, I’m recovering.

Living with the Wind Knocked Out of Me: Part 7~ Receiving

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See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God (1 John 3:1)!

Here we are at the end of the first part of this cancer journey. In a few short days, after all the stress, worry, anxiety, sleepless nights, I will be having my surgery to rid this body of mine from cancer.

My incision from the Crohn’s abscess has healed nicely and I have even told my husband that I think my situation with the fistula may have even changed for the better finally! After having been so worried about that infection being an issue for this upcoming surgery, I can now see that what happened is what needed to happen when it happened for the best possible overall outcome to occur.

How crazy is that??? What looked like a horrible situation turned into… dare I even say it… a blessing.

A very wise friend often reminds me to use extreme caution when labeling a situation as either good or bad as we do not see the whole picture at the time of labeling. What may seem “good” could, in fact, have a poor outcome and what seemed “bad” may ultimately be what is best for us.

That being said, this cancer diagnosis has seemed to be very bad. I am guilty of having been quick to label it as such. Who could say cancer is good???

Give thanks IN all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

What IF there were things that are good in what seems to be so bad that what seemed bad becomes good?

Could you follow that thought? Let’s say it again…

What IF there were things that are good in what seems to be so bad that what seemed bad becomes good?

How about, when we see those good things in the bad stuff, we give thanks? Maybe that is when the tide suddenly changes…

What if…

I’ve been a caregiver for all of my life. At a young age I remember being babysat by a young mom who had a newborn. I know I was under the age of 2nd grade at that time and I was changing his diapers for her because I loved to help care for him. I remember getting her water so she could drink it while she was breast feeding him (discreetly).

I began babysitting officially by the 6th grade. I volunteered in the church nursery as often as I could. I volunteered in the elementary school’s after school child care program (Latch Key Kids) so often they finally started to pay me real money instead of volunteer hours.

My grandparents became ill when I was in junior high school and required assistance in their home with simple tasks. By the time I was in high school, I was proficient in skills that would qualify me for a position as a Certified Nurse’s Assistant.

I entered Bronson School of Nursing fresh out of high school and became an RN by the time I was 20 years old.

In my almost 50 years of living, I have become quite skilled at seeing who needs help and have learned how to meet that need with ease. It is as natural to me to do it as it is for me to breathe.

I have become very adept at being a giver.

I have been told that givers make terrible receivers.

I’m not one who likes to be told I’m terrible at anything, so that does not settle well with me. However… I think it is true. Letting people do things for me or give me things is not easy.

I like the passage that says “do for others as you would have them do for you” but I do not particularly desire that to be tested. I’ll just keep doing -thank you very much- and hope it would be reciprocated while not necessarily expecting it to be.

So I give. And give. And give.

I’ll make a meal. Change my schedule to suit others. Show up. Donate. Whatever.

Don’t you? I don’t think I’m too unusual in my choices…We do what we need to do when it needs to be done, right?

I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll bring it up again because I think it is a significant point. This past summer I felt like I was breaking. I felt lost and unfocused. I knew what I wanted to do but could not drum up the energy to do it. I felt drained. That made me feel insecure. Repeat cycle.

I felt the Lord nudging me to spend time with Him- alone time; quality time. I made the choice to carve out space for a spiritual retreat while on vacation for our 25th Wedding Anniversary to visit our Navy son stationed on Whidbey Island, Washington.

That choice unraveled the tangled ball of emotions built up inside me with the undercurrent theme running through each thread saying, “NOURISHMENT is found HERE.”

I left that trip with the realization that the cure for my restlessness and lack of focus, my emptiness and emotional fatigue, was to keep spending time alone with the Lord. To keep carving out space that looked different than my daily routine of Bible reading with devotionals.

The next opportunity revealed to me that I am KNOWN by God, I am SEEN by God, and that I am FIERCELY LOVED by God.

The next opportunity of nourishment revealed to me that I have cancer… I had felt the lump.

Whoah…wait…what??

Not exactly the pattern I was looking for or expecting in my set aside time with the Lord.

BUT… in that revelation I was also validated that I was still SEEN, KNOWN, and LOVED through the giving of the scripture passage found in Isaiah 43:1-4 that I’ve quoted many times in this series.

Just because I don’t like the circumstance does not mean I am not seen, known, or loved. Instead, truly believing and accepting those things as truths has become what has sustained me through these days up until my surgery.

What God did next was to choose to show me how loved I really am and He used His people, His creation, to make His point.

Would I receive what He had to give, though?

That has not been easy: givers are terrible receivers.

What is it about receiving a gift that is so darn hard?? Why is it awkward? Why does it feel like there is an expectation attached to the giving that I must measure up to?? Why do I feel like I need to do something in return: that I now need to GIVE BECAUSE I HAVE RECEIVED?

Somewhere along the line relationships have become transactional for me. You know how it goes: you do something for me and I’ll do something for you. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Nothing is done without a catch. Without an expectation. Without an ulterior motive waiting in the wings.

But that is not what our God does.

He made us in His image because He wanted to.

He paved a way for unperfect us to be in a right relationship with perfect Him because He wanted to.

Jesus took the flogging, wore the crown of thorns, carried His cross, laid down on it and held His hands steady as the nails pounded into His wrists, and then gave up His spirit for us because He wanted to.

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16)

It was not transactional. It was covenantal.

God’s plan. God’s idea. God’s way. God’s choice.

OUR BENEFIT.

What do we do then?

BELIEVE IN HIM and RECEIVE HIS GIFT OF LIFE.

Then why do I still feel like I am unworthy? Not good enough? Need to do more??? That I owe God something?

For whatever reason, God has determined to show me His love and His desire for me to let Him lavish it upon me. To receive it.

Over and over in these weeks, I have shared the different ways God has provided for me. I have been humbled by the outpouring of love shown to me in these days. I have come to believe that all of us, whether we want to accept it or not, are the hands and feet of Jesus in this world and your acts of kindness displayed have come through the extension of His arms and legs.

1 John 4:19 ~ “We love because He first loved us.”

Nothing we do out of love comes from another source but the source of life. Nothing. After all, EVERY good and perfect gift comes from our Father in heaven (James 1:17).

Every good deed.

Every kind word.

Every flower purchased or card sent.

Every text and phone call.

Every random person I have ran into that has either blessed or encouraged me.

Every divine encounter with a physician or clinician.

I have tried to down play the experiences, but it is not working. I have tried to explain away why someone may say or do something nice to me. I have tried to convince myself that coincidental encounters are just that: coincidence. I have tried to interpret the timing of events as not that big of a deal. I have tried to minimize the effect kindness has had on me.

I have wondered, “what have I done to deserve these good things” instead of “why do I have cancer?”

I have wondered, “who am I to be blessed in these ways” instead of shaking my fists to the heavens in anger that I have cancer.

I have sat back, humbled, as I receive what is being offered to me because I am loved.

This last week has been one outpouring expression of love after another: my work co-workers have no idea what they have done for my heart and attitude. My friends have come out of the woodwork to spend time with me, to say the most incredible words of encouragement to me, to comfort me. Acquaintances or people from my past have stepped to the forefront with memories to share and words of wisdom and support to offer.

I sit back and ask, “why all this? Who am I? What have I done to deserve this kindness and love?”

The answer comes from within my spirit: “Nothing. You’ve done nothing but be who I created you to be and that is more than enough. It has always been enough and it will always be enough. It is not in what you DO, it is in who your ARE: MY beloved child.”

It’s humbling. It’s hard to receive when my knee-jerk reaction is to reject it, minimize, or boom-a-rang gift it back.

But again and again, the Lord keeps impressing on me to receive it. Receive this gift. Receive this love. It is Mine to give and it is yours to receive.

When was the last time you received a compliment and just took it? You didn’t give one back or make an explanation about it? When was the last time you felt good enough to receive it? Worthy?

Here is the thing. YOU ARE.

Maybe, just maybe, this “bad” experience I’ve been writing about has been “good” all along. Maybe it has been good because it has shown how far God will go so His children know how loved they are.

Like I said, I’m so distracted by all the kindness shown to me that I’m more baffled over that than I am about why I have cancer. What matters, suddenly, isn’t that I have cancer but that I am loved.

I cannot feel anger over my situation because I am too overwhelmed by the goodness being extended to me.

I cannot feel fear because perfect love drives out all fear (1 John 4:18).

I’m so busy thanking God for all the random things He’s been doing that my anxiety has disappeared.

I’m so absorbed by the amazing things being done around me that I’m wrapped up in a peace that makes no sense.

I’m so enthralled by the events of the present -a present that consists of me having cancer- that I am becoming excited for the possibilities to come in the future.

Maybe me writing this is so someone can see where God is working for good in their “bad” situation too.

So this cancer is supposed to be bad, right? Then why do I feel so good?

As I close the page on this chapter of my life, I can honestly say I have been changed by this experience of breast cancer. I am different for the fear of it, the worry in it, and the hope through it.

In a few days I will no longer have breast cancer -PRAISE GOD- but I will be recovering physically from my surgery as well as emotionally from the process that led me to my decision of a double mastectomy. This next chapter will be interesting, to say the least.

However, today I can honestly say I am thankful for all of this It makes no sense, but that is what my heart is feeling right now; thankfulness.

The Scripture says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit…I guess thankfulness is the result of that closeness.