Jeremiah30:17 says, “I will restore health to you and heal you of your wounds.”
To catch you up: in February 2025 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. In March 2025, the stress of the diagnosis did a number on my autoimmune system response causing a peri-anal abscess to painfully surface and required an “incision and drainage” in the operating room. In April 2025, I underwent a double mastectomy to remove the known cancer found in my left breast and, ultimately, the unknown cancer later found in the pathology from within my right breast.
In the months to come I learned a valuable lesson: there is a difference between relaxation and restoration.
Many of us take a vacation to relax but often find we are still fatigued when we return to our daily lives. One might even say, “I need a vacation from my vacation.”
We sit on a beach, ride on a boat, nap, watch Netflix, read, take long walks, enjoy nature, explore new places, etc.
These, and many others, are the things that relax us.
I’m 50 years old now and I can say I’ve been blessed to be able to have taken many vacations. I’ve been to quite a few places and look forward to visiting many more as my future continues to unfold.
Coming home from a vacation, though, is often the same experience: laundry must be done, food must be purchased, and meals need to be planned. There have been too many times where the arguing began fairly quickly upon walking through our door at home between my husband and I as we unraveled vacation life into reality with a return-to-work in our very near futures.
The relaxation we experienced was seemingly left on the beach many miles away.
I had been relaxed, but not restored, in my vacation.
In the recovery, after the mastectomy, I discovered that what I required was more than being relaxed or calm… I needed to be made well; made whole: restored.
1 Peter 5:10 writes, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to eternal glory, will himself RESTORE, CONFIRM, STRENGTHEN, AND ESTABLISH you.”
Looking whole externally while feeling incomplete at the same time became the new normal I walked around with for the next almost 6 months.
In my recovery, I determined to do just that and that only: recover. I decided that was my now full-time job and I embraced it as best as a person could (especially a person who considers themself a “do-er”).
However, the months to follow became a new season: one of restoration.
This was not to be something done organically or to receive through osmosis. This was going to require as much intentionality as the season of recovery called for.
Why?
I’m glad you asked.
I wasn’t looking to “bounce back” after my experience with cancer; I was looking for deeper healing. I was not wanting to go back to my previous status quo like a person does after going on a vacation because I, instead, was still reeling that the diagnosis had even happened and that my body was forever altered on account of it.
I may look “well” on the outside, but there are scars you do not see: literal and figurative ones.
I decided to follow the example given to us in Psalm 23. To let Him guide me along right paths so He would restore my soul.
I guess I should describe these right paths, eh?
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2
That meant, no matter how uncomfortable it felt, I needed to become ok with not being ok even though all looked like it was ok on the outside. The “world” wants me to fake it until I make it, but I believe God is calling me to something more than that: authenticity.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-7
You see, it isn’t about “why me” or “why did this happen.” I doubt, even if I had the answers, it would make sense because I cannot grasp the concept of theodicy: the theological response to the problem of suffering (trust me, I study it a lot). What I do know is that I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and trust in Him when I cannot understand what is going on or why. And when I do? He makes my path straight.
Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure.
Proverbs 4:26
There is no easy way to say it, so here it goes: we need time of reflection. We need LOTS of time to reflect on where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. We have to TAKE that time for ourselves. We need to carve out that space in our busy schedules because we are worth taking that time for ourselves. We need to lament what we’ve lost. We need to rest in thankfulness. We need to ponder possibilities. We need to be in awe and wonder of this big world we are a part of. We need to question what we do not understand. Jesus said if we “seek, we will find”: if we don’t take the time to seek, what do you think we will miss finding? Peace? Contentment? Healing? Hope?
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105
If we want to know where we are or where we are going, then we need light to direct us so we can see. The Bible is the Word that illuminates the way to go. Hebrews 4:12 tells us that the Bible is alive and active! 2 Timothy 3:17 reminds us that Scripture is breathed out by God for teaching, training, and equipping for every good work! Deuteronomy 29:29 encourages that the things revealed by God are so we know what to do as we follow Him.
My point is that we need to be in the Word.
The weeks following my surgery was the recovery time. The months to follow have been for restoration.
I slowed down, for once, and literally smelled the roses.
I watched the water as it splashed onto the shore.
I listened to the birds in my yard.
I tasted and saw that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8).
I was touched by the favor of God in the process.
Now before y’all think I’m too holy for words, remember that I do work for a living. I have a family. I have friends. I am active in my role as pastor at my church. I have a chronic illness that likes to get in my way. I lean toward the lazy side and like snacks way too much. My doom-scrolling time can get out of hand. I’m pretty darn normal.
Taking time with the Lord for restoration, as I said, takes intentionality. Taking time with any relationship requires a discipline of intention, so why would my personal relationship with Christ be any different?
I need to be in His presence in order to bask in His goodness so He can restore to me the joy of my salvation.
I make choices for how to start my day, what I listen to, what I read, and who I spend time with… all that with a common goal of edification and growth in the Lord.
The restoring process leads me to the rebuilding process that is coming next with the literal reconstruction of my body…
Just about 11 weeks ago I had a bilateral mastectomy for breast cancer that had been officially diagnosed on February 10. Those two events of diagnosis and surgery radically changed my life, and I cannot say for the worse. Isn’t that ironic?
Three weeks ago, I returned to my bedside nursing position where I was rejoined with my amazing co-workers. At that same time, I planned and prepped to deliver two sermons back-to-back at different churches. Let me tell you: it was exciting to be able to accomplish what I had scheduled to accomplish prior to all this cancer business started!
In God whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise; in God I trust and am not afraid- what can man do to me?? I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to You. For You have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life. ~Psalm 56:10-13~
Where I am on this journey now is in the waiting. What that means is that I am in the in-between surgeries portion of my recovery process. I am in the que of scheduling another surgery that will remove the spacers I spoke of in a previous blog and to replace them with the permanent implant.
While waiting, I have started taking the medication Tamoxifen daily. I was diagnosed with ER+ breast cancer so that means I require hormone therapy to stop further cancer cells from forming thanks to my estrogen. I’ll be taking it for approximately 5-10 years BUT I won’t need chemotherapy or radiation alongside it: THANK THE LORD.
Most of the time, being in the waiting is no fun and requires a lot of patience. It often is filled with questions for the unknown about what is going to happen next. I’ve been known to give the encouragement to be productive in the waiting; be purposeful,maintain hope, be teachable…
I think I’d like to add this: be thankful.
It’s a perspective shifter, for sure, when you can find something to be thankful for when you’re waiting for the next thing. Anything to be thankful for.
In the aftermath of the diagnosis and surgery, I was shell-shocked. I was in disbelief that this had even happened. I could not wrap my brain around the idea that I was actually diagnosed with cancer and that my body now looks completely different on account of that.
Could my situation have been worse? Heck yeah, it could have been, and I was acutely aware of that.
Did that make me grateful while I was looking at a scarred figure in the mirror with zero stamina to walk my block or take care of my own basic needs in those early days?? Not really.
I was NOT thankful that I was in this situation at all. Frankly, I was miserable in it. I was in physical pain and emotional turmoil. I recognized that the physical discomfort was temporary, but that did not bring me much comfort as I knew that I was now physically altered in a way I never asked to be.
But I pray to You, Lord, in the time of Your great favor; in Your great love, O God, answer me with Your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink. Deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of Your love, in Your great mercy turn to me. ~Psalm 69:13-16
In the early days of my recovery, I determined to be obedient to the Lord and what I discerned was a request He had of me: surrender to this, Amy. Surrender to Him. Surrender my time, my healing, my plans: present, past, and future.
Don’t DO, just BE.
In response to that, I made up my mind:
“I WILL NOT DIE, BUT LIVE AND WILL PROCLAIM WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE”
(Psalm 118:17).
Surrendering to the recovery process included being in a place of submission toward my emotional response to all this. Once again, I was faltering with the idea that it is acceptable to not be ok with what is happening. I struggled with the thoughts that crying frequently must be a sign that I’m not “doing this well.” I contemplated the need for an antidepressant or counseling (neither are bad options but were they necessary for me??).
I worried that I could be doing this better in order to faster accept my new reality in a new body.
So, I let go.
That’s when the craziest revelation came to me:
I have been given a gift with this cancer diagnosis. I have been ENTRUSTED with the diagnosis of breast cancer and the treatment plan for it for me.
Do I DARE believe that?!!
Could I possibly ACCEPT that notion as reality??!!
ENTRUSTED.
I told you, in the beginning, that when I first felt “the lump” there was a Scripture verse from Isaiah that had been rattling around in my spirit for hours that very day. That, when I looked in the mirror after feeling it, I said to the Lord, as I looked my own self in the eye, “You meant ME, didn’t You? I’m really going to go through this. This is really going to happen.” I also said I went to sleep with great peace not too long after the discovery.
WHEN you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and WHEN you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. WHEN you walk through the fires you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze ~Isaiah 43:2
I have told you of the waters raging all around me, getting deeper and deeper with a faster and faster current threatening to pull me under.
I have told you of the heat of the fire as it burned in me and around me.
My feelings have been real. My story telling has been raw. My experience has left me vulnerable and exposed in more ways than I imagined.
I have shared it all with you as the truth of what I have been thinking, feeling, going through.
And now, 11 weeks after the surgery that removed the cancer from my body and almost 5 months since we heard the words “YOU HAVE CANCER”, I’m telling you I believe I have been entrusted with it.
God did not GIVE me cancer. I am not PUNISHED by Him and therefore “cursed” with cancer. I did nothing to DESERVE having it or to have caused it.
However, I made a choice to follow Jesus with my entire life about 15 years ago. As I grew in my relationship with Him, I CHOSE to make the decision to declare –no matter what happened– “Blessed be the Name of the Lord.”
I made that vow YEARS ago. YEARS AGO.
And wouldn’t you know (if you remember) the one lyric I recalled as I was panic stricken in the OR room while on the OR table was from the song, “Blessed Be Your Name.”
That lyric comes from the book of Job 1:21. Job made his own declaration after he had suffered unspeakable loss~
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.
I MADE my choice to follow Jesus no matter what happened because I had lived my life without Him when things happened…the peace that comes by being able to declare with confidence, “blessed be the name of the Lord” has replaced the emptiness I previously experienced after loss, the hopelessness I felt, the regret, the anger, the shallow pool that numbing and denial created.
Jesus NEVER said, “Follow Me and life will be easy.” Instead, He said, “Life will get harder than you can imagine because you follow Me, but I will be with you through it…I will strengthen you…I will hold you…I will give you power through the Holy Spirit to endure and still be joyful.”
He said, “Keep your eyes on Me. Watch what I do. Follow My example. Stay close to Me.”
The ultimate example to follow will be that He overcame the grave…He conquered death. He ROSE to life. He is ALIVE. He ascended to His Father in heaven in front of witnesses and the world has never been the same since.
We WILL experience that too.
I have experienced the living Christ. I am forgiven because of His death on the cross. I am redeemed. Restored. Made whole.
I am not perfect, and I fall short daily in my efforts to be like my Savior. But that is ok… He died for me (and you) while we were still in sin (which means outside of the right relationship with God we were meant to have) because He still loved usno matter that we did not love Him.
So, I choose Him. I choose to live for Jesus as my King. That means I surrender all to Him whether I understand everything that happens in my life or not.
I did not understand why I was diagnosed with cancer. I was not angry over it, but I was certainly confused…why now? What next? How on earth has this happened??
The question of, “Do I trust You still” was answered with an emphatic yes! As the apostle Peter said, “where else would I go? You have the words of eternal life.”
My choice had been made: BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.
THAT choice allowed me to sleep that first night. That choice gave me strength to tell our family, to cry publicly instead of hiding in shame, to ask for prayer to HEAR the voice of the Lord so I would know what to do instead of asking for healing.
That choice comforted me as memories of my beautiful friend that had died from cancer not too long ago washed over me with a grief so fresh it could have broke me.
That choice kept me turning to Him for strength that many of you have nicely told me I exhibited when I did not feel strong at all.
That choice showed me I was loved. I was seen. I matter. That THIS diagnosis, this hurt in this world matters.
That choice is what convicts me to tell my story so many more will see themselves somewhere in it and know how loved they are as well.
For God so loved THE WORLD….
So, yeah. I was entrusted with it. I knew to give it to God so He could use it. Why go through it for any other reason???
On February 3, while I was spending alone time with the Lord (I often refer to it as a Spiritual Retreat), one passage stood out from all the others I read that afternoon:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid for I am with you… (Isaiah 43:1-5)
Big words to repeat to myself when I found the lump not too long later…when I told my husband what I believed in my heart to be coming our way… as I went through the 3-D mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy… when we heard the results a few days later…as we told our children, my parents, our closest friends.
I have cancer.
As the title says: It takes the wind right out of you. It sweeps your legs out from underneath you. It starts you on a journey you never dreamed you would go on.
But do not be afraid when you go….
“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms. But anyone who follows Christ on their own terms, for a return on investment, misses out on intimate communion with the God of the universe and is instead left holding a detailed contract with a business acquaintance… Christianity is about following Jesus to get the riches of Jesus Himself... There is a holy world of difference between a relationship with God that embraces and enters into suffering, knowing that suffering is always exactly the shape and form and heart of His passion, and the kind of relationship that braces to avoid all suffering, passionately demanding a life of no suffering if God really loves us” (Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).
This is our choice: EMBRACE and enter suffering or BRACE to avoid suffering.
Whether we will suffer or not is not what is in question. The question, the choice we have to make, is how will we approach it when we face it.
When you pass through the waters.
When you pass through the rivers.
When you walk through the fire.
VosKamp goes on to write, “If God asks much of you, how much will you answer with your life? If God asks for complete authority over your life but doesn’t give you completely what you want, do you still completely give yourself to Him?”
Following the feeding of the 5000 where those who followed Jesus were given enough bread (and fish) to not only be satisfied but to also have leftovers, Jesus gave the difficult to hear teaching where He declared Himself to be the Bread of Life: partake of Him and NEVER be hungry again.
He met their physical need of hunger miraculously and they were thrilled…ecstatic… ready to make Him their King by force then and there. But when He went beyond meeting their physical need to discuss their spiritual hunger and His ability to satisfy their spirits and their eternity..? He was rejected.
Miracles? Yes, please. Sign me up.
Be challenged to believe that the miracle worker is truly the Son of God? Receive sustenance for the immediate hunger: yes. Receive sustenance for eternal hunger: no.
“Very truly I tell you, the one who believes has eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which anyone may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven.Whoever eats this bread will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world”
John 6:47-51
People want miracles. People want an immediate fix to the present uncomfortable situation. People want an instant alleviation to pain. Yet, Jesus offers so much more than that. He challenges His followers to see beyond these present sufferings to a much bigger picture… a much bigger perspective… a much longer existence than this mortal life.
He says, I give you food and you will still die. You partake of ME and you will LIVE.
While we want to brace against suffering, Jesus says, “Let me take you through it and see what I will do with it… I overcome it.”
That is called RESSURECTION POWER, folks.
Lysa TerKeurst writes, “Just as we must sit close enough to a tree to enjoy the benefits of its shade from the scorching heat, so we must also position ourselves near to God if we desire His comfort, protection, and deliverance” (Seeing Beautiful Again Page 48).
There is a problem with hard lessons, though. We do not like them… we want to avoid them…maybe even abandon the cause we once stood for or believed in when it was easier to do so.
We inadvertently step away from the tree that we could benefit from.
When Jesus gave His teaching that He was the bread of life, we read the response of those who were listening in John 6:66~
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.
They walked away from the tree that provides the benefits. This was AFTER they saw His miraculous feeding too.
They wanted what they wanted from Him and not what He wanted to give…when what He would give was going to satisfy them far more than they were willing to imagine.
What am I willing to imagine?
Jesus looked at His chosen twelve disciples and asked them if they were going to leave Him too…
Their collective response came from Peter in verse 68~
Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the word of eternal life.
There is that choice: embrace and face it or brace to avoid it.
Jesus was teaching things people- even His closest disciples- did not understand and He was starting to make enemies of those listening. In a sense, He was losing His popularity and gaining hostility wherever He went. He was not performing in the way they believed the Messiah should.
“It can be easy to follow God as long as He’s following your terms“
(Ann VosKamp’s Loved to Life).
Leading up to my surgery date, I was surrounded by people who kept amazing me with their love and support for me.
I was overwhelmed by my coworkers who wore matching shirts they had purchased in my honor and surgical hats to bring awareness to the Breast Cancer cause. We met for a dinner where they gave me a huge poster board signed by many that I come into contact with during my work days and we laughed together as we ate together (which is rather unheard of in the nursing world to be able to all eat at the same time).
My girl and I had a “Garrie-Day” where we just spent the day together doing things that she and I liked to do together.
My best friend took me indoor “sky-diving”! Have you ever been? I highly recommend it! I do not think I ever felt more alive than when I was “flying”!!
The night before my surgery, my best friends came over for a “bra-burning” celebration with mocktails and karaoke. We realized that when the bra is burned, the support wires remain. How interesting is that? After the fire, the support is still there…
I then spoke on the phone with both of my sons who were unable to come home for my surgery. I wanted to tell them how much I loved them, how proud I was of them, that it was more than okay that they keep going with what they had going on (Nic was completing his finals at WMU and Troy is stationed in Washington). I did not want them to feel any guilt or regret that they were not home: they were exactly where I wanted them to be. Have I mentioned that I love them lately??
Through all this, my wonderful husband stood by in his quiet way, letting my cup be filled with those the Lord had placed in our path over the years. I cannot count the number of texts, emails, calls, and cards I have received telling me that I am loved and that I matter in this world. It is hard to describewhat the knowing of that means to a person who is fighting off fear, so I thank you for arming me for battle.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear (1John 4:18)
When I woke up on my surgical day, I took the last shower that I could have for a few weeks. I could not wear makeup but I opted to do my hair as I figured I might as well look as nice as I could: “dress for success” and all that I guess.
I ran into a co-worker upon my arrival to the hospital and got in a “last” hug of support from the “chosen” Endo representative. However, when I woke up from my surgery, Dan informed me that he had run into another co-worker in the cafeteria during my surgery and she was wearing a #TeamAmy shirt! I later realized when numerous co-workers sent me texts with pictures of themselves that they ALL wore those shirts once again on my surgery day – unbelievable.
My emotions began to creep up on me the closer to my surgical time came. My eyes burned so much it was hard to see.
More OR co-workers peeked around my privacy curtains to say hello and to wish me well. I surprisingly wheeled by my colo-rectal surgeon while on the way to the area where my Sentinel Node was to be injected. When I was wheeled back to my curtain area upon completion of the Sentinel Node marking, I saw that my oldest friend from college surprised me by driving over two hours just to sit in the waiting room with my family.
Minus my sons, all those I loved were grouped in a bunch in the waiting room wearing matching shirts that said “this is a beautiful day to fight cancer” and they were all there for me. For Dan.
Our pastor and friend came to pray with us and that was when the tears started to fall. Being told I was strong when I did not feel strong anymore, that I could do this but I did not know what this meant anymore, that I “had” this but I decided I no longer wanted it was running conflictedly through my head.
I suddenly wanted to brace myself for avoidance of this suffering because the bravado of embracing it had finally worn off.
I no longer felt strong or confident. I felt weak and exposed. I felt vulnerable and unprotected. I had been so close to the tree for protection from the scorching heat but now felt alone. Utterly alone. My mind was devoid of thoughts and scripture.
To the words of “He is with you”, I was taken to the operating room.
I looked and couldn’t find Him.
I felt myself frantically looking all over the room and not finding the peace I was searching for. I gripped the table and felt my whole body tense up with my knees bent even though I was given plenty of medication to relax me.
I couldn’t breathe and started to cry. I wanted this over. I wanted Dan. Did he know I loved him?? Did he get lost in the shuffle because of his humble willingness to step aside and let others give love and support to me? Was he ok? Would he be ok??
My surgical team kept reassuring me, reminding me I was not alone, to go where I knew I would find comfort…
I begged God to show me where He was… to bring His Word to my mind in my panic….
I felt my brain quickly flipping through endless pages of thoughts without an ability to land on anything. My desperation increased and my surgical team could sense it.
Finally, my brain settled on one thing: a song lyric~
Blessed be Your name when I’m found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness, blessed be Your name…On the road marked with suffering, though there is pain in the offering, blessed be Your name (Matt Redmond)
Of all lyrics…
On the road marked with suffering, still I will say, blessed be Your name…
You can’t make this stuff up. That’s like verses 2 and 3: who immediately goes to the 2nd verse when you think of a song? Most of us remember the chorus (that’s not it) or the 1st verse (also not it). My brain went to the second and 3rd verses…blessed be Your name.
I legit remember nothing but that lyric until I woke up in the PACU.
The surgery went as expected: blessed be the name of the Lord.
The cancer was successfully removed: blessed be the name of the Lord!
The nerve block anesthesia provided was keeping me from pain: blessed be the name of the Lord.
The mixture of medication given to me by the CRNA kept me free from nausea: blessed be the name of the Lord.
My family and friends put in one heck of day in that waiting room as my surgery took close to 8 hours. They all came to see me (quickly) as I was settled into my inpatient room for the night before they felt comfortable to leave me in the very capable hands of Dan and Garrie (and the nursing staff, of course).
Dan left for the night and I was alone again…this time knowing I really wasn’t.
In the morning, the surgeons were pleased with my initial recovery process so Dan took me home that afternoon with strict instructions to let me (make me) take it easy… no lifting anything, take my pain medication, no showering, rest, rest, rest.
This is my current schedule:
The anticipation is over. The surgery is completed. The cancer is gone. The recovery has started with all that it entails… pain management, movement for activity, body image issues, emotional adjustments, drain maintenance, doctor appointments…
It’s a lot.
Psalm 88
O, Lord, the God of my salvation, I have cried out {for help} by day and in the night before You. Let my prayer come before You and enter into Your presence; incline Your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles… I am like a man who has no strength, cast away from the living…You have laid me in the lowest pit, in dark places, in the depths… But I have cried out to You, O Lord, for help; and in the morning my prayer will come to You…
I was getting a latte today when a man approached me. His excitement was radiating off of him: he had news he needed to share even though it meant sharing with a complete stranger.
He found a good deal on a new truck and even showed me a picture of it as I waited in line to place my order.
As he talked about the truck, he said he was in disbelief over the wonder of it all and the timing of finding it:
he told me that he had been at a Bible study the night before. While there, he was prayed over regarding his need for a new vehicle.
He found the truck this morning; the very next day.
What really surprised him was the color of the truck: it was a mocha brown, I guess. He told me his last car, a Chevy Malibu, had been the same color when it was “taken” from him, and here is our Lord replacing his vehicle with one of the same color.
I couldn’t help but comment to him on how pretty I thought the truck was, affirmed that a Chevy Silvarado is a great truck, and that our God sure is good.
We serve a King who pays attention to the small details of life.
But now, THIS is what the Lord says- He who created you, He who formed you:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name and YOU ARE MINE.
WHEN you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
WHEN you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
WHEN you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God…”
Isaiah 43:1-3
How often do I boldy give praise for what the Lord has done as that man in the coffee shop did?
Psalm 89:1
I will sing of the goodness and lovingkindness of the Lord forever! With my mouth, I will make known Your faithfulness from generation to generation.
The truth is this: probably not often enough. It’s so easy to see what is wrong or what feels bad or what is scary or hurtful. Those negative emotions all too often shade the beautiful colors still represented in this life that we continue to live each and every day.
I was told recently that when we find ourselves walking in the valley of the shadow of death, we forget that it is only a shadow.
That means the sun is still shining: we need light to make a shadow.
Are we seeking that source of light??? Or keeping our focus on the valley? On the shadow?
Through this journey of breast cancer, I have mentioned my concerns regarding my underlying diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease.
It’s time to talk about that. If you thought I was getting personal before…. this factor takes me to a whole other level of intimacy and is not one I find easy to share.
In 2018, the disease I knew and had been treated for since I was the age of 14 changed. Most likely, from all the years of inflammation in my colon, a fistula developed that caused an abscess.
I’ll spare the details but will say it was incredibly painful and I became very ill. A brand new course of treatment was suddenly required: an IV infusion that would suppress my immune system (on purpose) in order to stop my auto-immune system from going into overdrive.
Basically, I can’t heal if my auto-immune system is fighting my immune system all the time. It’s a rather ironic situation: make me immuno-suppressed so I don’t get sick, but being immuno-suppressed can make me susceptible to illness more easily.
Talk about living in tension.
The treatment has been very effective for my Crohn’s management. The colon inflammation went away, and my GI system is in the best shape I’ve ever known I could experience, but I still have the fistula.
Apparently, that’s a little bugger to heal.
On New Years Eve 2024, I had an MRI just to see what that fistula has been up to since 2018.
I had no real issues going on, so it was fairly “random” that my trusted GI PA wanted to look under rocks for me. As he said, “Amy, you are getting by- and that’s OK. But I want you to thrive.”
May we all be blessed with a medical team that desires us to THRIVE.
Per the MRI, much to his surprise (and mine as well), there was another abscess present. I had zero discomfort or awareness it was there, so the decision was made for me to go on a HUGE antibiotic dose for 3 weeks.
I was terrified because I’ve experienced what antibiotics can do to an immuno-suppressed system: it can completely wipe out all the good, natural flora which could cause my system to be susceptible to a different bacteria.
It’s not a fun thing to go through.
I trusted my medical team and took a deep breath: we went for it.
My life is in the Lord’s hands, I thought to myself. I believed this was found though His grace and timing. I chose to trust that God would carry me through whatever was going to happen next.
I was finishing those antibiotics (without one single issue of concern to speak of!!) when I was diagnosed with the breast cancer.
That’s why Crohn’s was on the forefront of my mind at the time of the diagnosis. You see, I call my Crohn’s The Dragon. She often sleeps… but when she wakes up, LOOK OUT! I believed she was resting, but not sound asleep so I don’t want to wake her.
We must tread lightly.
As my previous posts have shared, I’m under some stress. I’m feeling the strain of this diagnosis. I’m feeling the weight of the uncertainties. My emotions are all over the board. My anxiety ambushes me. Depression washes over me.
That Scripture from Isaiah rings LOUD. The rivers are flowing hard and deep with a fast current. The fire is H-O-T.
Trying to remember what the Lord promised me and not be afraid feels like a losing battle.
I was settling into the idea that my surgical date had been set for April 16…over a month away. I was looking for the positives in the timeline that had been set for me and leaned into them.
My friend told me I had been given a gift of time to optimize my health. He reminded me that I had over 4 weeks to get my body “ready” to have and recover from a big surgery.
Taking his advice, I turned to yoga for stretching and strengthening while increasing my protein intake.
I decided to be productive in the waiting.
On March 6, I noticed that I was more tired than usual after work, but I wasn’t too concerned about it. I wasn’t going to analyze it. So, I took a nap after work and determined to still do my exercises.
As I shifted into the sit- stretch positions of yoga, I noticed a discomfort that had not been there the day before. I tried to convince myself, “This is normal,” and that “I’m ok, don’t worry.”
I opted not to speak a word to Dan about it. I determined it was all in my head. I convinced myself (but not really) that a discomfort when sitting is “totally normal.”
FYI: That is what most auto-immune patients are convinced of. We believe what we feel is all in our heads. It is not real. Somewhere, along the line, we must have been told this, and that is why our diseases run rampant: we don’t speak up for fear of judgment.
The next morning, I did not want to get out of bed. If I did, I would have to determine whether what I suspected was going was real or not. My instinct told me, though, that the previously discovered and somewhat treated abscess had surfaced.
The longer I lingered, the longer I could stay in denial.
I do not want to deal with my Crohn’s right now. I don’t want to face a return oflife with anabscess. Don’t I have enough going on, Lord?? This doesn’t seem fair.
Then the doubts surfaced quickly: What if they don’t believe me when I call my medical team? What if I’m wrong and sound the alarm for no reason? What if I’m what I’m afraid of being: dramatic???
That’s when the phone rang. Answering it, I find that it is my breast surgeon’s office. They have had a cancelation. Would I want to move my surgery date up to that coming Wednesday? In 5 days.
Are you kidding me?!
The absolute absurdity that I am being offered the chance to have this flipping cancer that haunts my dreams and stunts my reality cut out of me sooner has been laid on the table before me….and I think I have a Crohn’s fistula abscess.
Are you kidding me.
The woman calling did not ask me if I was healthy or having any medical problems. I had told NO ONE that this was even happening.
No one knew.
No one asked.
No one had to know?
But I knew. And I knew this could be bad if I ignored it. I knew the surgery recovery could have complications if I had an active infection but did not disclose it.
Are you kidding me.
I needed time to think.
I couldn’t breathe all of a sudden because I knew what I had to do, and that was to choose to keep the cancer so I could deal with The Dragon.
How do I say that out loud??
I want this cancer gone!! Every single minute it sits inside me feels like it is taking time off my life. I feel it burning inside of me. It aches. Is it growing? Is it spreading? Is it reaching my lymph nodes???
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what I needed to do: take a deep breath and trust in the Lord.
Dear God,
The waters are rising!! I can’t catch my breath! You said they would not overwhelm me, but I’m scared and can’t breathe. You said the fire wouldn’t scorch me, but it is hot. It is so hot it hurts. Help me, help me, help me do what I know is right. Help me not respond in fear and make a choice that will harm me. Help me to say “no.”
I told the breast surgeon’s office “no” and immediately called my colo-rectal surgeon. He ordered me antibiotics (again) and an appointment was made to see him in 6 days.
Instead of breast surgery in 5 days, I would see a colo- rectal surgeon in 6. Talk about a few degrees south from where I wished we would be addressing.
The discouragement I felt is hard to describe. Maybe the best way is to envision that valley of the shadow of death.
The shadow was dark and heavy. The tears were hot and many.
A new fear surfaced: Could this impact that?? Is there enough time to get my infection under control before Aril 16?
Back to the land of the unknown.
I made it through the week with the antibiotics doing their good work, but now my anxiety feared the abscess would go dormant while appearing to be absolved because it had slithered back under the surface.
What would my colo- rectal surgeon say if I’m no longer having discomfort? Would that be a good thing? Or would it surface again right before April 16 to cause a major delay???
By the time I arrived to his office, I had myself nicely all worked up. The tears started in the car before entering the building. The hyperventilating came when the MA asked her pre-appointment questions.
My poor doctor. I feel bad for him and what he walked into when he came into the room as I was barely holding it together.
After an up-close-and -personal exam (done professionally and with a chaperone present), he asked what I was doing the next day. I told him I was supposed to work. He said ,”Not anymore. I’ve had a cancelation. We’re going to take care of this tomorrow at noon in the operating room.”
Now HE has a cancelation?
One space opened for me, and I have to say no to it and now one I have to to say yes to.
This “yes” hurts. I felt like I had stepped back in time to 2018 when all this started… all the trauma that experience caused surfaced. All the fear from this disease that will not release me from itstalons exploded in my chest.
I asked him, “What is happening? Why?? We treated this with antibiotics for 3 weeks and now it surfaces??? It makes no sense.”
I sat there and cried as he looked at me. He sighed heavily as he sat there.
Then he said, “It’s this. All this” as he made a motion over me to indicate my emotions. He said, “This is stress.”
Great.
Stress. A stress I can not escape from.
Am I NOT coping well? Is there a way to do better? To be better at this?
If those aren’t the words I’ve asked myself my whole life…
As if to say, “What’s wrong with me? Tell me and I’ll fix it.”
Well, I can’t.
I’ve never had cancer before, so I don’t know how to do this any differently than how I am.
Maybe that’s why I’m writing all this. I don’t know. I fear some may think it is for attention. I fear what I’m going through may not matter. But I’ve got so much whirling around in my head that I don’t know what to do with it, so I write.
My insecurities say, “What you have to say doesn’t matter. Why blog it when a journal is more than adequate? “
I want to praise Him in the storm.
I want to bless His name on this road marked with suffering, though there is pain in the offering.
I want accountability that I am living what I teach and what I preach through how I live.
Psalm 71:17-18
Since my youth, God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, my God, till I declare your power to the next generation, Your mighty acts to all who are to come.
Dan and I head to the hospital the next day to have the abscess surgically drained.
As a side note, it is important to understand that I work at this hospital and know a lot of people in the OR.A lot. This particular procedure is personal and intimate and embarrassing for me, so to have people I know involved is difficult. I manage these encounters as best as I can, but it is with great difficulty.
Strangely enough, I was calm this time. I was not crying. I had submitted to what was happening and my lack of control in it or around it. What would happen from this point on was not up to me.
I chose to trust the Lord with all of it and felt His peace as it came over me.
The Lord blessed me that day with a gift of anonymity. Other than my surgeon, I did not know any of the others who participated in my care that day. Not one other person. Not one.
I am amazed by His grace that continues to cover me through chance encounters with my medical team, specific awareness of my own body from past experiences, cancelations to make room for me, and now respite from the extra kindness that would have been shown to me because they were my peers.
All I had to be that day was the patient, and it was marvelous.
When my surgeon talked to my husband afterward, he said he had “run into” my plastic surgeon at the completion of my case. He was given a divine opportunity to hand my concerns of this situation compicating that surgery over to the next surgeon to be involved.
How amazing is that?
That is called GRACE
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound…
How amazing is it to know we serve a King who pays attention to the small details of life?
The aftermath of that surgery did leave me as an emotional wreck- I can’t lie about that. Knowing the goodness of God doesn’t eliminate how badly I dislike my situation.
I went into hiding for a few days for my emotions to recover as my body healed.
I met with the PA from the plastic surgeon’s office next for my official pre-op appointment. While there, she verbalized significant concern over me receiving my next scheduled infusion for my Crohn’s since it was so close to my surgical date.
As I said, my medication keeps my immune system suppressed, so healing is difficult. I kind of need to be able to heal from this double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery.
The surgeons have legit concerns.
So do I.
The mere thought of not taking my medication that keeps The Dragon somewhat tame is horrifying to me. What would happen to my auto-immune system if we allow my immune system to wake up when this abscess has already created a little stir while taking it??
This decision is out of my control.
Here is the thing: do I trust the Lord with all of my health or do I trust the medication?
Do I trust the Lord with all of my life or just the bits I turn over to Him?
I have taken wobbly steps of faith in my trust walk with Him this far….He has not failed me, left me alone, or left me without solutions and options. He has shown me the well in the wilderness.
He has told me that He has redeemed me. He has called me by name. He has said, “you are Mine.“
Submit and accept. This is what I am called to do. Do not worry and fret, but submit and accept. Do not complain, but praise.
My dear friend gave me a card with some great advice on it~
So I did.
I accepted that I may go without my Crohn’s treatment for 3 months. Whatever happened from doing that, we would deal with. I have a good team surrounding me. I am in good hands.
The Lord is my Great Physician.
The surgeon’s office called with the verdict: they decided it was for the best that I stay on my treatment plan!!
The PRAISE THE LORD escaped my mouth as I stood in a procedure room full of doctors, nurse, and anesthesia staff while on the phone!
Psalm 27:13
I remain confident of this; I will see the goodness of the Lord while I am here in the land of the living.
The relief was palpable. My response to the relief was physical as tears escaped my eyes unashamedly.
The course has been set. The Captain is at the helm. The crew have been readied. Prepare the sails because we are steering toward this mastectomy now.
The wilderness themes in the Bible seem to call out to me lately, especially those where people have been “led” or “sent”.
The story of Hagar stands out in many ways.
It is in Genesis 16 where we first meet her: she becomes an unwilling participant in the plan for Sarai and Abram to fulfill for themselves the destiny God had prophesied to them about: that their descendants would outnumber the sand on the seashore. This is a tricky thing when they did not have even one piece of sand to call their own, let alone numbers to fill a beach front.
Hagar did not have a say whether she wanted to play a role in their meddling. She had no choice as she was a voiceless female servant.
She became pregnant with Abram’s first born child, but ran away due to the toxic relationship that had formed thanks to this “love” triangle that never should have been. It was there in the wilderness that she was approached by God with words of comfort and where she named Him: El Roi – The God Who Sees Me.
Later, after Isaac had been born to Sarah and Abraham when Hagar’s son Ishmael was 14 years old, Sarah decided she wanted Hagar and Ishmael to leave their homestead forever.
Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.
Genesis 21:14
Once again in the wilderness, God approached this woman whose life was not of her own choosing. He tells her not to be afraid, He comforts her and tells her to give comfort to her child, and He refreshes her with water from a well she had not previously seen.
This past fall I was invited to attend a retreat for women pastors. The invitation to attend came within moments of my response to the Lord calling me to NOURISH my relationship with Him.
The definition of the word “nourish” is to be provided with the food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
After a long season of grief I found myself lacking what was necessary for any of those things. What I felt instead was stagnant… unfocused…anxious…unmotivated…
I felt all this physically but realized it was stemming from inside my emotional self and had carried over into my spiritual self.
Choosing to spend time alone with the Lord revealed the need for spiritual nourishment. That was when the email came inviting me to a “retreat.” Talk about divine timing!
The theme -shockingly enough- was “KNOWN” and the emphasis was on God the El Roi: the One Who Sees Me.
At this retreat, I had a personal encounter with El Roi and had the confirmation placed on my heart by Him that I am loved by Him. Fiercely loved. The healing that came through that revelation provided what I had been malnourished of: what is necessary for growth, health, and good condition.
A reset button had been pushed and I was being restored.
I came home from that retreat more at peace with myself than I knew I had needed to be. I felt focused and driven to again pursue the desires that the Lord had put on my heart when He called me to be a pastor: one who shares the Good News.
So imagine the irony I feel now.
I am called to preach the Gospel. I WANT to preach it. I have opportunities to be able to do so once again. I have the time. Life seems to be falling into place.
Except.
I have cancer.
The first time I went into the wilderness where I felt malnourished, I think was kind of similar to Hagar; it was my choice to go due to the circumstances. I may not have known consciously that was what I was doing in my grief but it was in the wilderness where I ended up just the same.
And God saw me there. El Roi. I am loved.
And now? I feel like a bag has been put on my back and I am beingsent from the comfort I have known, the plans I had made. I am to go somewhere unknown, uncertain, uncomfortable, scary.
And yet I am still seen. I am still loved.
The diagnosis has been confirmed: Stage 1 Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The appointment has been set up with the team of physicians that will help me with the necessary decisions that need to be made for treatment.
We tell my parents what is going on.
We tell our children what is going on.
We tell my brother what is going on.
We tell our closest friends what is going on.
We try to breathe.
It isn’t easy to tell those you love that you have breast cancer. But do you know what makes it worse? Once they know, life goes on. People go back to work or to school. Meals need to be made. Other people we love are going through really really excruciatingly hard things at the exact same time as this and beautiful babies are being born as well.
So here I am walking around with cancer inside of me and if I did not tell you, you would never even know. It’s not like I look any different.
But everything feels different.
I cannot express how surreal that feels. How ominous.
One minute I’m pulling laundry out of the dryer and the next moment it is like I have been punched in the gut with the thought, “Oh my gosh I have cancer” sweeping over me.
Telling people makes it more real.
But I do not want it to be real.
The “big” doctor appointment introduces us to a radiation oncologist, a breast surgeon, and a medical oncologist. They all assess me individually and look over my biopsy report. Later, they meet together with the pathologist who confirms my diagnostic findings. We meet with the breast surgeon a second time for the conclusion of our day.
I am supposed to make a decision at this point regarding the treatment that I want to have based on the options presented to me. I had no idea there would be OPTIONS.
Supposedly, we make around 35,000 conscious decisions in one day: what we will eat, wear, say, etc…
35,000.
I was given about 5-6 options to choose between at the conclusion of this appointment. It felt like 4-5 too many.
I must say this though: I am incredibly grateful for the women who have gone before me that had to FIGHT for the right to even have these choices.
It is hard to believe there was a time where a woman did not have the voice or the choice to say what happened to her body once breast cancer was detected.
I have to live with this body for the rest of my life so I am thankful to be able to have a say in HOW IT LOOKS WHEN ALL THIS IS OVER.
Lumpectomy with radiation
Single mastectomy and no radiation
Single mastectomy with or without augmentation
Single mastectomy with augmentation to the unaffected breast as well as one with cancer
Double mastectomy and no radiation with or without augmentation
As of now it does not appear that I will need chemotherapy because no lymph nodes are affected.
I sat there staring at the surgeon who was looking at me with an extreme amount of kindness on her face…as she waited for my response.
I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not choose.
I began to cry and said, “I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.”
She gave me the opportunity to think on it and made an appointment with a plastic surgeon for me as well as scheduled an MRI to look more into what was happening in my breasts. She said, “the MRI will help you to know what to do. It’s ok that you don’t right now; we have time.”
When you have been told you have cancer, I can honestly say this, TIME is one thing you no longer feel you have.
At the conclusion of this appointment, our support system was hoping for a “plan” to have been made and now I have to tell them we are still trying to determine what is the best thing to do for me.
I feel an incredible amount of pressure to make a decision. To make the RIGHT decision. To make it soon.
But what is “right” for ME?
If you’re new to my blog, you may be unfamiliar with my other “invisible” illness: I have Crohn’s disease. It is an autoimmune disease that affects my GI tract as well as the rest of me systemically. I am on medication that suppresses my immune system in order to keep my autoimmune system from going into overdrive. When my medication is not at its appropriate blood level, the fatigue I feel is unbearable and irritable bowel symptoms arise.
Frankly, Crohn’s is the banner to which I would like to march under as it is the dragon I have come to know and NOT Breast Cancer… but, alas~ I guess I have to carry two banners now.
Here’s the thing: I WILL recover from breast cancer, but I will always LIVE with Crohn’s Disease. Whatever I do with this cancer is going to affect my autoimmune system…and I cannot get that thought out of my head no matter how hard I try.
I am a woman with Crohn’s disease that will have to endure whatever choice of treatment I decide on.
Can my immunosuppressed body fight left over or new cancer cells if I do not choose a mastectomy or do not choose radiation?
As I was told by a trusted source, I am not in the statistics for the efficacy of treatment for breast cancer. I am not one they included in the tests and trials. I am in the “unknown” category of how I will respond and what role my Crohn’s medication may have had on this or could have on this in the future.
I am a Crohn’s patient that now has breast cancer and that cannot be ignored or forgotten or push aside or minimized.
I have TWO active diseases now.
Now enter in my “people pleasing” problem.
This one really ticks me off!
I cannot believe how much I worry about what other people think… I worry so much about judgment that I found it difficult to make a choice for MYSELF and MY body without fear of “doing it wrong.”
Wrong for who??
A bilateral mastectomy is considered “radical.” Did you know that? The thing is it means it is a radical surgical procedure that involves the removal of the entire breast, including the nipple, areola, skin, and underlying chest muscles and it is performed to treat breast cancer.
Yet, the word “radical” (especially in view of this context) is more defined as “very different from the usual or traditional; extreme.”
A bilateral mastectomy seems radical to some when they hear “Stage 1 cancer”. That it is an extreme treatment. That is is different from the usual.
The fear of judgement from others was IMPACTING my own judgment.
I could not hear myself think because all I could hear was “that seems extreme” if I waivered in the direction where I seemed to want to go.
“It’s a big surgery.”
“Is that really necessary?”
“You would do that? Do you HAVE to?”
Do you know how many people have told me “all they needed” was a lumpectomy and radiation and they were “fine”?
Too many to count.
But were they my age at diagnosis?
Did they have an aunt with 3 separate occurrences of breast cancer?
Do they get treated for an autoimmune disease?
We are given a CHOICE and that choice is there for a reason. The reason is because this is my body and my life. It is not my husband’s. It is not my children’s. It is not my parents. It is not those that care for me. It is mine.
I have to choose.
I have to stand at the end of it all to say, “I made the best decision I could make and I could have done nothing else. I have no regrets.”
I prayed for clarity.
I asked others to pray for me to have a clear mind to make a decision.
Praise the Lord, God put people directly into my path that spoke honest words of wisdom to me in those next few days.
Dan went out of town for business so I went to the plastic surgeon appointment alone. That doctor sat down in front of me and simply asked, “do you know what you want to do?”
What Kind of Peace Is This? 