It feels good to sit and write again!

Heck! It feels good to sit!

I am all-coffee’d up and feeling thankful so the “writer in me” wants to come out!!

For starters, I have stepped out in HUGE faith and decided to begin my Ministry Preparation Program classes again. My class, Philosophy and Christian Ethics, began this week through Nazarene Bible College (must get that free plug in there somewhere!). Adding a class that is bound to be somewhat challenging (the prof keeps talking about wanting us to “argue” and that goes a bit against my peace making/must-have-everyone-like-me temperament) to an already full calendar is

but here I go!

One cool thing that I am looking forward to is the “focused” writing that my classes push me toward. Each week, we are required to post a discussion to count for our attendance- how else does one know you are in class in an online setting?

These discussions, and the homework assignments, can lead me to thought processes I would not normally trend towards…which is a good thing for diversity of writing and exposure to a broader thinking view!

Every now and again, I want to post these writings here… beginning today.

The question was posed:

When and how did you become convinced of the truth of Christianity? Is your acceptance of Christianity based on reason, emotion, or both?

My response was this (but with some flair added for your ease of reading):

I was raised in the Christian church by Christian parents. My parents made going to church events a priority even if those activities conflicted with family obligations or school events if they were advertised after the church calendar was created. I enjoyed church and loved to sing praise songs to the Lord from a young age through my teen years. I saw and experienced strong emotional responses to sermons and concerts that the Holy Spirit used to reach people. I believed in the power of prayer and witnessed many acts of the Spirit at a young age.

I became disenchanted, though, with the idea of communal worship after being disappointed by leadership at my church when I was sixteen years old. That time in my life opened a vault where “religious” apathy began to spill out. By the time I went to college I had no desire any longer to attend church. When I went home to visit, I felt pure guilt as I sat in the pew. I remember crying once as I deliberately refused to go to the altar and repent. I said out loud to someone concerned for me in that moment that I know what I should do but I do not want to stop what I am doing.

That day took me through almost fifteen years of avoiding the Holy Spirit. I never doubted who Jesus was and what He did for me, but I guess I doubted that living for Him would be good for me. I am not sure where that thought process stemmed from but I flat out refused to submit to Him and His teaching that He had stored in my heart as a child.

In 2009 my sister in law died of her alcoholism. Her life choices were more extreme than mine had become, but when I looked in a mirror I did not see too much of a difference between her and I. Her fate could have quite easily become my own and I recognized that… so I struggled with condemning her to an eternal unknown resting place. Not knowing if I could have made a difference in whether she went to heaven or not haunted me. If I missed an opportunity to show her another way (which I knew I had) then I felt I deserved eternal condemnation as well.

My thoughts took me to a place where I wondered what kind of God dooms us to our choices? Did I really want to know that God? Did He deserve my worship? I was furious and confused. Perhaps it was my upbringing, maybe it was the prayer of God’s faithful people including my parents, or it was prevenient grace that led me to Perry Church of the Nazarene but it was there I found I could take my true feelings and inner garbage and dump it at the foot of the Cross.

Somewhere in that time, I encountered Christ. It was not just one day but over the course of a few weeks. It was through His people He put in my path, through music He played on the radio when I was listening, through devotional emails, and even social media was included in His grace display.

My response to Him was sheer emotion because of how gentle He was with me. I had feared this “angry” just God who was waiting to convict me of my sins and, even though I deserved His judgment, He met me with so much love I was drawn into His presence with a desire to never leave it.

The love of Christ for me flowed into me, cleansing me, transforming me, and then flowing back out of me to spill onto others. He gave me peace about my sister in law. He gave me hope for a future that promised purpose and meaning. He restored my marriage and brought my husband to the Lord.

He broke the branch of alcoholism off our legacy tree.

He used my husband to bring about the salvation of my father in law two days before his unexpected death. Now, his mother is an active member in our church living a new life in Christ herself.

“Reason” goes out the window when I paired my life with my faith! When my husband lost his job, it would have made sense for me to work more but we chose to stay as involved in our service for the Lord activities as we always had been. When he got a new job with a $20,000 a year pay cut, we decided I should work even less than I was currently and also start classes at NBC. It did not make sense! The list goes on and on that further confirms this.

I try to find “reason” and keep hitting a brick wall called Proverbs 3:5-7:

I ask God “what do you want me to do?” He says “trust in me”. I say “I don’t understand though”. He says “well, don’t lean on your own understanding. Keep acknowledging Me and I will direct your path”. That’s what I do and that’s what He does time and again.

What I have seen and what I have experienced cannot be reasoned but it is real. I feel His leading, His calling, His passion inside of me, His love when I cannot possibly love another, His compassion spilling out of me as I pray for “one more, give me one more to help Lord”, His strength when I feel I cannot go on like this, His joy that fills me up when I am emptied, His energy that revs me up, His right hand when I am knocked down. I may not be able to explain it to others but my life reflects what my words cannot express and that is I am a child of God.

 

And that’s just Week 1 folks.