Does anyone out there realize how difficult it is to write something when you know people will actually read it?

It is an interesting fact that I am “called” to write and the mere fact that what is written will be read is becoming a stumbling block for me. I actually toy with the notion of an “alias” out of the desire to achieve freedom of speech in what I have to say…but I fear that goes against my definition of being a person of integrity: If I have to hide what I want to say is it something that truly needs to be shared? Or is it TRULY what needs to be to shared and that is why I want to hide it?

Perhaps all that is a reason this particular topic is getting stuck in my craw and won’t come out..(as a digression note, I actually now know what a “craw” is thanks to a sweetheart of a teenager with chickens!)

Perhaps all that is the reason I have barely written these last few months in general…

But, here it goes…emptying my craw…

The Jesus Calling devotional by Sarah Young gives a certain encouragement today: “You will get through this day one way or the other. One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet. This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way. You can choose to walk with Me along the path of peace, leaning on Me as much as you need.”

Hmmm. That is where the pause began for me…

How am I getting through my days lately?

I am  like most everyone else who rides her emotions like a roller coaster ride at Cedar Point…Depending on my feelings, I am either up or down…depending on the feelings of those around me that I love, I am either up or down. Empathy has a way of attaching his or her emotions onto mine like a leech trying to drain life-giving blood from my body.

So, depending on my circumstance, the weather, or how someone else feels, my day can easily turn into one that passes with shuffling feet while stumbling along.

 

Don’t get me wrong, my day also is as easily impacted by random acts of kindness, laughter, hugs, an overflowing amount of love-joy-pride that tumbles out from within for my boys, my purring kitten or my snuggling little bear-dog Max, the sunshine on a blue sky, flowers in my backyard, my handsome husband walking in the door, the outpouring of love and affection from my best friend that never ceases to amaze me, songs on the radio, and reminders from the Lord that He has not forgotten me.

My life can look like a roller coaster that starts and stalls frequently…

Those days of stumbling and shuffling, however, are getting higher in number and increasing in their own intensity.

I think, if I am being honest, I have become a grumbler.

There are situations around me that impact me so adversely I want to either run and hide from them or scream and yell through them. I am like a child who is on the verge of temper tantrum.

1 Corinthians 10:10 reminds me to not grumble as the Israelites did when being led from Egypt to the Promised Land with Moses…they were killed for it.

Here is the NIV Life Application Bible study note on the subject and let’s see what nerve it tings on you:

“We start to grumble when our attention shifts from what we have to what we don’t have. The people of Israel didn’t seem to notice what God was doing for them- setting them free, making them a great nation, giving them a new land- because they were so wrapped up in what God wasn’t doing for them.”

What is God setting me free from? My incessant need to people please? My anxiety over what I cannot control? My fear of the unknown?

What is He making me into? The image of His son, Jesus perhaps? One who was persecuted, hung out with the unpopular, was questioned at every turn, did what was right even though it was going to hurt Him and the pay off for His effort would not be recognized any time soon by those He walked among??

What new land is He giving me?? A future I never envisioned before? A cause worth fighting for? A career that is more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined? A dream I never dreamed? A vision for my sons that I could not help them achieve all on my own?

When I think of the Israelites I get so dang frustrated…I can see the end of their story though. All they saw was the wandering in the desert for 40 years…I can see what the Lord had done, how He talked to Moses, what His overall plan was for the people He had chosen…they saw the same meal over and over again and an unknown future based on the testimony of a man.

“Before we judge the Israelites too harshly, it’s helpful to think about what occupies our attention most of the time. Are we grateful for what God has given us, or are we always thinking about what we would like to have? “

How many times have I wished for something different than what was currently happening?

How many times have I shook my head in disbelief that all this has happened or that this is really what my life looks like now?

How many times have I looked into the future to anticipate what could happen and think “how could that possibly be what will happen??? How will I live with that??”

1 Corinthians 10:11 reads that these things happened to them (the Israelites) as examples and were written down as warnings for us…

If their grumbling brought about the delay of the given promise and brought them additional suffering unto the point of death….and all that is a lesson for me then I better flipping pay attention!

“Today’s pressures make it easy to ignore or forget the lessons of the past. Paul cautions us to remember the lessons the Israelites learned about God so we can avoid repeating their errors….we need not repeat their mistakes!!”

I wrote a paper for one of my classes on a passage in the book of Deuteronomy and the them was to “REMEMBER”, remember the past, remember what God had done…I need to dig that paper up I think…

I need to not only remember the lessons of God through the Bible by more actively studying it but I also need to remember the lessons of God in my OWN life history…I need to shift my thinking on a regular basis to what He IS doing in my life and those around me and not what I WISH He would be doing…

Dang it- that means I need to TRUST HIM and what I do not understand that He has going on.

“Sometimes our confidence is shaken when trials come, especially if they are lengthy”…

What do we do in that long time of suffering?? Sigh…we grumble don’t we?

What do I need to do to get my confidence back? Confidence in me, who God made me to be, what He will have me do, what He will do through me…I need to find my confidence in God- who HE is, what HE is doing, that HIS motive of love is pure, that He is for me and NOT against me because HE LOVES ME...

“When we have an assurance of God’s love for us, no matter what comes against us, we know deep inside that we are more than conquerors. If we are truly confident, we have no need to fear trouble or trying times, because we know they will pass” (Joyce Meyer Closer to God Each Day).

If I am focused on my unfulfilled desires and what I don’t have but think I deserve at the time I feel I should have it, I will not have that assurance of love. I will not be confident.

“Confident people get the job done. They are fulfilled because they are succeeding at being themselves” (Joyce Meyer).

Grumblers don’t.

I am sorry to say I have no conclusion here…there is no appropriate ending because I am still figuring all this out for myself.

I know I want more from my life than stumbling through it. I want more than crying fits that force me into my bedroom. I want more than frustration that overcomes me and steals joy out of celebration occasions.

I want more than what grumbling offers.

I want confident assurance.