I am on a rabbit trail of a thought process…so this may be lengthy!

Welcome to a “normal” 10 minutes in my life lately. Sound exhausting? It should because it is.

I have begun to wonder what on earth is at the root of all this turmoil. There has to be something or someone, right? Living with these massive pendulum swings of reactions is ridiculous and not what I want for myself…nor do I think this is where God wants me to be either emotionally.

Enter in a devotional time for a quiet Saturday…after a few restless nights and crying while driving to work kind of days.

Jesus Always:
It is crucial to remember that what you can see of reality is only a very small piece of the whole.
Next discussed is the story of Elijah (1 Kings 19)…he felt he was the only one left; the only one to feel this way..
Ugh.
Have I been living that way at times where I feel I am the only one who feels this way, who is affected, who has issues?

Jesus Calling:
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey…Whisper my name when you need to redirect your thoughts.

The connection to these 2 examples is

1. How I react to what I am feeling/sensing
2. If I know what is happening then I can control #1.

So…I obsess about what is on the road that I cannot see. I analyze what is happening,what could happen, what should happen so I can gain some control over my reactions and feelings.
But guess what? God clearly says he won’t reveal what is up ahead or going on.
Where is the TRUST in knowing?

Basically, my anxiety climbs because of what I do not know and that is where I am to call on His name for help and trust that He is equipping me right now to what it is He has in store for me.
Well, guess what? That has been what I have been doing the last few days (months) – calling out, seeking answers -and finally the revelation comes.
What is it that rises up and swirls inside me?
What is this ugly insecurity that haunts me?
What is it that makes me get snarky and pouty?

Yuck.
In humility…and embarrassment…I say it: I am jealous.
Blah.
It is acid on my tongue and in my stomach as it rises in angst.

I am a normal person who wants what she wants…I like what I have and I want to keep it…I feel threatened by something or someone who could take it from me.

I remember in high school I had a boyfriend. I was never more insecure with myself as I was in that “committed” relationship. One week we were camping with our families and I became so jealous of him being friends with someone else I was physically ill. If he was close to them then could that take my closeness with him away??

Thankfully, in my almost 20 years of marriage, I truly feel secure. I trust my husband and the commitment we made to each other. I trust the choice we make daily to stay together through thick and thin.


There are others where I feel that same sense of security – my parents, my brother, my 2 sons, a few of my friends.
Then there are those where I just don’t.

Now, in 6th grade I went to a church camp with my mom for a week. She worked in the kitchen while I was a camper. She was where I needed her if I needed her. Which means, being the super cool, independent 12 year old girl I was, I didn’t need her.

Until I saw some kid cozy up to her at the campfire sharing night.
Excuse me?
Get off my mom kid.

I wanted what I had and jealousy reared up because I felt threatened it could be taken.

So, here I am…age 43…and I recognize that familiar inner turmoil feeling like a horrible, dirty, ugly sweater I hid in the back of my closet but now am forced to wear.

What the heck?
Do you know how hard it is to admit this??
But to sit here and have it come to my mind is too horrible a thing to stay silent about.
Keeping it inside only creates shame and encourages it grow…a big, nasty secret to fester like those excruciating Crohn’s abscesses that inhibit my healing and daily functioning.

What now- I ask?

The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers:
Hebrews 12: 7-13~Don’t all parents correct their children? God corrects all of his children, and if he doesn’t correct you, then you don’t really belong to him….It is never fun to be corrected…But STAND UP straight and walk a straight path.
“God might just be allowing you time for reconsideration, restoration, or maybe even repentance…So if you feel like you are in a time-out, use your time wisely. Straighten up your thoughts and ways.”

But how do I straighten my thoughts of jealousy?
Go back up to the Jesus Calling devo where it says to whisper His name.

The revelation of jealousy came from that Mother’s Devotional reading. It was like God suddenly said- “you want to know what it is you don’t like inside of you, making you feel all crappy? Well, beloved, here ya go- you are jealous. Now let’s work on it.”

Ouch. That hurt bad to hear the truth.

I was like- “no way. That can’t be it…it is someone else’s issue to blame, not me…”
But the clarity in that moment came with peace. Christ lovingly revealed my ugliness when He knew I was ready to see it for myself…

I have been drawn to Hosea lately…where the prophet was instructed to marry and love a woman he knew was going to break his heart as an example of how the people of Israel broke God’s heart by choosing others before Him.
When things got bad enough, Gomer (the adulterous wife) went back to her husband (because Hosea loved her enough to purchase her freedom and offer her sanctuary with him) never realizing that all the good she had previously enjoyed had come from him in the first place.

I want what I want and have…I am jealous of what threatens to take it or usurp it. Everything I have- it all came from the Lord in the first place..yet… I am not thankful for it but instead feel entitled to keep it…no wonder I feel such turmoil.

That was never God’s intention when He brought certain things into my life…that I would own it, keep it safe forever, control it, enjoy it more than the Giver.

As I sit in my time out, I realize confession and repentence go together. I could keep all my thoughts to myself but would I be changed by them then?
For me, writing it out makes things more memorable…complete…final…holds me accountable.

So here is my confession of jealousy.

40 Days in the Word:
Philippians 2:13~ For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him.

I desire to please the Lord and am in conflict when I know I am not…thus the prayer for awareness is made and then the discipline of revelation is given.
Thankfully  He does not leave me powerless to change once I have realized the sin inside me…Instead, I am given not only the continued DESIRE to do what is right but am also given the POWER to do what pleases Him most:
To love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength.

I am humbled in my awareness but there is also a sense of relief  that this can be rectified and cleansed inside of me.
Thank you Jesus for that freedom from bondage!

For THIS reason I kneel before (fall to my knees) before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth (me included) derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your heart. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how…deep is the love of Christ..Ephesians 3: 14-21.

(My “random” daily reading of course that is perfectly and lovingly timed by the Lord.)

Here is my take away:
I am a sinner but…
I am loved.
I am forgiven.
I am a work of grace in progress. There is hope for change.
There is abdundant life here on earth for me.
I can choose joy and have it to overflowing.
Amen.