At times there are many versions to a story.
Sometimes, those stories need to be told.
This is one version of one part of a story…
My life took a turn into a new direction exactly one year ago.
I must put out a warning for those suffering from severe depression, suicidal ideation, or grief following the loss of a loved one to this fight: my story is real so there needs to be a trigger warning.
We were settled happily in ministry opportunities and sitting comfortably among our circle of friends we had surrounded ourselves with. Our church was our second home, our safe place, our retreat from troubles that tried to threaten our foundation. The people there became our family and our rocks of stability when we needed support.
We were content.
On November 12, 2017 our eyes were ripped wide open to the possibility of evil lurking around every corner; waiting to pounce on the most unsuspecting victim; threatening to unravel the very foundation of life as we knew it.
This evil has a name…it is called suicidal depression.
In one moment, we were thrust into the middle of a family in crisis. Their experiences overlapped into our world quickly like constant waves onto a beach- one right after another: churning, powerful, threatening to pull us all under.
I had seen depression before. I have known people clutched in the dark hold of suicidal ideation. I have walked beside those who wanted to head back toward the light.
I have never seen this…nor have I have ever lived with it.
A person’s eyes change when this darkness settles over their very soul, did you know that?
They could have the most beautiful blue eyes and, suddenly, they go completely black.
I heard once that depression darkens a person’s heart or soul…if the eyes are the doorway to it, I guess it makes sense that the door would become blackened.
A young man, who has held a look of innocence on his handsome boyish face, now has a rigidity to his posture, a tension vibrating off of him, heat that is palpable to those sitting next to him radiating from his every pore. He is still…almost too still, especially when you sense that he could combust after even the smallest touch to one of his exposed nerves that are tinging with heightened awareness.
There is a ravaged, raw appearance to his face.
In no way am I saying he was bad, had done anything wrong, was “evil”…but what this was trying to consume him from the inside out sure was.
That dark power hovering over him and in him reaches out to dig its claws into anyone trying to hold tightly to its prey…it will not release him and it wants to take you with him.
The fear that followed the awareness of my senses to the absolute danger that had walked into my living room is harder to describe.
Desperation comes to mind.
Denial is another word that threatened to overtake me.
This cannot be happening. This is not real. Not him. Not now. Not ever.
I do not believe I am the first to confront such an evil nor do I believe I will be the last. He was not my first exposure to it and I do not think he will be my last for that either.
Depression is running rampant these days…stealing the very life blood out our loved ones that Jesus Christ died to save.
My experience is real.
He is real.
Our story needs to be told.
This was our experience…not the definition of what defines either one of us. He is more than depression. I am more because of his depression…because of him.
I do not know what writing a Blog about this will bring…healing maybe, to bring more education about depression and suicide awareness.
My prayer, though, would be hope for those who are caught in the grip of that evil darkness or for those who stand by their loved one as they fight together against it.
My part of this journey was a first hand look at someone fight for his life when he did not care if he lost it.
My part of this story is how painful it is to watch someone you love want to quit…watch them withdraw…watch them hurt themselves…watch them be hurt by others.
My part of this experience is as one who was fought against, rejected, alienated, and judged.
My given capacity was to love him…no matter what…no matter if I was loved in return.
My role was to give my all…even if it meant I could lose what I gave.
The Lord told me to trust Him a long time ago and we have been challenged to do that ever since. I wrote a blog about that challenge a while back.
Here is a link to that Blog~
https://thischicksinpeace.com/2017/04/28/for-i-know-the-plans-i-have-for-you
Learning how to trust the Lord when someone’s life hangs in the balance is one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I had to entrust him to the Lord…give him over and believe the Lord would finish what he began in this precious child. I had to trust my own heart to the Lord to be taken care of… even if my worst fear came to pass. I had to trust the Lord with the overall safety of my household as we were now living in a warzone.
The journey began that day.
There is much to say about this past year, but I think I will start this journey of sharing by ending this particular blog today with a note I wrote months ago. As suicidal depression waged its war inside the walls of my house, I was taken to places of deep pain and anguish I had never before experienced. I loved my family and here we were fighting against an enemy knowing that love was our main weapon.
Evil does not know love…it hates it…it wants to destroy it.
BUT
In perfect love there is no fear.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
For God so loved the world that He sent His Son so none should perish but instead have eternal life.
Love changes people.
Love lifts people.
God… is… love.
We had an enemy inside someone we loved as our own- whether he was our birth son or not, we loved him…and we would not stop fighting until it was gone. But, those battles wounded me…this was written from the heart of a battle- worn mom:
I hate depression.
It is what brought you to the place that you do not want to live anymore.
It takes you to the point of slicing yourself up.
It makes you numb yourself with filth that poisons your mind.
It brought you here.
It showed me your pain.
It revealed your bloodied wounds.
It changed my life.
It opened my eyes to the enemy.
It made me love you out of desperation to help you.
It holds you back from me.
It makes you cold and indifferent.
And I can do nothing.
Your dark shadow covers me.
I worry for you because you pull so far back…farther each time and it takes longer to return.
You expect acceptance and understanding….but cannot give it in return.
You know love…know how to show it but intentionally refuse it and wield that as a power over me.
You purposefully know how to NOT give love.
But expect it to be given how YOU demand.
That is not love.
That is a lie.
Maybe you do not know it or feel it after all…
That reality is easier to bear than you choosing against it.
This is my experience. These are my feelings that I have stored up over the past year that are longing to be expressed.
We have come along way, he and I, since the day I wrote this…more importantly HE has come along way…and HE still is HERE…
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please know you are not alone. You matter. You have value. You have purpose in your life. You have a future. You may have made mistakes but YOU ARE NOT A MISTAKE.
You have not gone so far you cannot come back home.
You are loved by the One who created you in HIS image.
Reach out to someone.
Talk to me here.
Text the Crisis Text Line:741741
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
If you are walking the path with the shadow of depression covering you as you love someone who is fighting to live each and every day, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You, too, can use those same resources listed above for help.
Reach out here.
Talk to your friends.
Talk to your pastor.
Read the Bible and PRAY with everything inside you for that battle to be won by the Lord that is raging inside your loved one.
Take care of yourself, too, because you are as loved as much as they are…you matter as much as they do…you also have value and purpose.
Hang on to the One who is hanging onto you.
What Kind of Peace Is This? 