Do you ever feel like you are the disciple Peter who asked Jesus to call him out of the boat to walk on water toward Him but then fell into the depths the second he took his eyes off Christ?
I have chosen to follow Jesus.
I have even asked Him to call me out of the safety of my boat…I have been bold enough at times to take a few steps of faith onto the water!
Then, I sink….I cry out to Jesus while reaching my flailing arms towards Him until He pulls me back up to walk with Him again.
Repeat process.
Sound familiar?
In Romans 4, we are reminded that Abraham believed in hope that God was able to keep the promises He had made…
That belief strengthened his faith even when his circumstances did not change for many years…In fact, Abraham did not see the full fruition of God’s promise to make him a father to many nations- he only saw himself becoming a father to Isaac after years of waiting.
Peter, on the other hand, fell through the water the moment his eyes came off Christ to look instead to the impossible void of swirling water all around him.
His faith was strengthened only when He kept his eyes on Christ.
What is the lesson here?
Abraham new what his problems were…he was acutely aware of what God had promised him but had not yet fulfilled.
Yet…He chose to believe in the promise instead of staring at the circumstance or complaining in the waiting….he of course learned the hard way first before realizing that believing was a much better choice (read the story of Ishmael for a warning about taking matters into your own hands in an effort to speed up the process)!
So..I am being taught that being preoccupied with the problem while trying to walk on water will get me nowhere..
Having hope in what I already have is no hope at all (Romans 8:24)…Who hopes for what they already have?
So “against all hope, Abraham believed..he did not waiver but was STRENTHENED in his faith because he was fully convinced that God had the power to do what He had promised” (Romans 4:19-21).
I need to trust that God will finish what He started and to have faith that He is the ultimate Promise Keeper. I need to have hope in what I believe and not what I already have for the promises of my life have not been fulfilled.
Give me faith to keep my eyes above the waves Lord and to keep turning my face to You instead of what threatens to pull me under. Help me to stand and believe in hope against hope.
I like a song by Hawk Nelson that says God “is making diamonds out of dust” when the pressure is on. Well frankly, as of late, I feel like I am being refined in the fire of life.
There is, and has been, quite a bit that has been swirling around me over these last few years. I have had not one but two opportunities to actually summarize the events since 2014 over the course of 2 days to explain either “my stress level” or how God has carried me through…depending on who was listening.
As I listed said events and added to that pile my current situation, I cannot help but feel affirmed that there is a purpose for it all.
My experiences have not been “let’s make a movie out of your life” tragic, but they have been constant and fairly oppressive at times as I had to learn to work through each one.
For me, the process looked like:
Being angry
Accepting what is instead of fighting against it
Letting go and being in the moment
Trust me….it was always a struggle and a process!!
Reading my Bible this morning, I see something in Jeremiah that echoed in me.
Now, I have been saying lately to a loved one that I identify with Jeremiah the prophet…feeling as if I could “be” a weeping prophet too…
He agreed as he says I cry alot when I speak….whatever.
But here we are with something that completely resonates with meaning for me in regards to the suffering of Jeremiah.
Jeremiah calls to God for relief and essentially God’s response is “buddy, if you think this is bad, what are you going to when times get really tough?”
Ugh.
Jeremiah 12:5 If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble in the open ground, what will you do in the thickets??
My life looks as different from yours as yours does from your neighbor…that’s ok because we are all created for different things. We have different life skills and opinions because our God is a creative Lord who enjoys variety!
That being said, I am being led into the direction of some form of ministry leadership. That Call puts me on a specific path of training to equip me to handle certain things I will encounter in the future.
If I stumble now how will I function then?
I need to be trained to stand.
Somehow, perhaps it is seeing a purpose in the pain, I find a comfort in recognizing the process of equipping me.
I am on an unexpected leave of absence from my job due to my recent hospitalization/illness…it is a strange thing to be unable to go to work when you feel you are able to work. Alas, I am home…not home-bound per se but at home none-the-less.
What do I do with this time I ask?
There is so much happening around me that I cannot help but try to process things. There are situations that have occurred over the last six months that still cause me to shake my head in absolute astonishment that these things have happened…throw in the most current events and I am in a state of shock I think. These last few weeks have been good for me to let my brain work through whatever it has needed to.
That being said- what do I do with this time off of work?
The advice I have been given is to write.
Write what, I ask in return?
Just start and see where it goes…
I want to write…it’s not that I don’t. It’s just that I am starting to think I am to be doing something more with my writing. All this stuff coming down around me paired with too much time on my hands wakes up a desire in me to do more with it. I could be feeling impatience perhaps, trying to rush the process, but all this stuff in my head is somehow making my thinking more clear about what it is I want with to do my life…
But, topic -focus is my nemesis…and self-promotion is not something I am good at …sooooo~
I am going to stick with what I do best and write what is on mind for the moment.
I am stuck on the issue of the “goodness of God” I think.
It is not so much that I question if He is good as it is more the question what is good.
Good to me is not watching depression darken the day of someone who has so much to live for and to helplessly stand there watching it carry them wherever it will no matter how hard you try to hold onto them.
Good to me is not Stage 4 metastatic cancer in anyone let alone a beautiful 42 year wife, mother, and my friend.
Good is not fearing life without someone I love due to illness or a deep dark pain.
Good to me is not doubting every choice I make based on the opinion of those I thought I trusted but who have absolutely no idea what is going on in my life right now.
Good to me is not being afraid to go for my dreams.
Good to me is not feeling pain and sorrow.
Yet we live a life experiencing all of this and then some…
Therefore, what is good?
A few years ago, I became a Christian. My husband, however, was not one and did not feel the need to follow the same path that I was on. Being separated from him on this issue began to create a distance between us which made me feel uncertain of our future together and his eternal ending place. I loved my husband and wanted to spend my life with him…why would I not want to spend eternity together as well?
My church offered a prayer room during that time; it provided a quiet place to pray at an alter if desired, candles to light, soft music to play, and a cork board to place prayer requests.
I remember very clearly anonymously writing down on a purple circle to post on that board for others to join me in my heartfelt prayer for the salvation of my husband.
I would spend at least an hour a week in that room.
I remember sitting in there and crying for something I longed so desperately for but did not have…and did not know if I ever would have it.
I remember leaving that request in the lap of the Lord after I had cried it through with the only One who could hear me and help me.
How a room like that could be useful now!
In that time, I would play a CD that was provided as I prayed- remember, this was few years ago when ITunes was only just becoming popular! On the CD was a mix of praise and worship songs – geesh, I am really dating myself now!
One song really stood out to me was by Laura Story…I heard her song again today and it still hit its mark…
The good I long for is seemingly limited to what I have chosen to define good as…
“What if trials of this life: the rain, the storms, the hardest nights….are Your mercies in disguise??”
Isn’t that the good I long for? Mercy?
When I pray for His mighty hand to heal my suffering or of those around me and He instead offers me Himself… and reveals His path of grace that has led me to the place where the suffering occurs to show where He has equipped me, prepared me, taught me, protected me, loved me all this time…do I accept that as good?
Is goodness only in the healing of cancer? the alleviation of depression? the clear path of my future with my destiny handed to me in package tied with a bow? when my friends stand by me in trials instead of judge or reject me out of misinformation or hurt feelings?
Is God good only when I can sense His presence and hear His voice giving me wisdom and guidance?
He “hears each desperate plea and longs that we’d have faith to believe…”
Believing in what is good is believing in what I cannot see…
That takes some serious faith.
Trusting in what I cannot see, do not understand, and cannot control while the storms rage or the rain falls…can be a blessing in disguise?
My good is not necessarily God’s good.
How He chooses to work things out falls into place with HIS plan and not the plan I create with my limited view.
Wrapping my brain around the idea that there is good to be found in cancer is not easy…in fact, it is an intentional act to choose to look deep enough into it to find something…
But a friendship has been rekindled and a new appreciation for the relationship that has once been taken for granted has been forged through this fire….that is good.
Seeking out a sign of goodness that can be found in severe depression takes effort because the wear and tear of the disease is exhausting for the person who suffers from it and those who live in the wake of it…
But I have realized that I have a larger capacity to love than I ever thought possible and a surprisingly immense quantity of patience ready to use at my disposal in a situation that should scream for impatience…that is good.
Searching for answers of how to proceed to achieve my dreams is anxiety producing…
But I find assistance from some surprising sources that seem to believe that I do have something to offer this world…that is good.
What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re here?
What if my greatest disappointments and the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
In plenty or in want, I want to learn the secret of contentment…it is from the Living Well where I will thirst no more and be satisfied.
A good friend has described this time in my life as “going through the wilderness“.
The interesting timing of this wilderness experience that I am going to my first District License interview in a matter of weeks and my concern is I will “blow it” with my authenticity.
In the Church of the Nazarene, there are steps one takes to become an ordained elder (or minister). Essentially this is the process:
I have completed “step 1” of taking classes at the Nazarene Bible College for Ministry Preparation.
“Step 2” is being approved by my local church to receive what is called a local license of ministry which is basically my church recognizing that God has called me out of a lay ministry into a more formal ministry path- we call it a “call on my life”.
“Step 3” is to be recommended by my local church to be interviewed by the larger district council to receive a license that is more widely recognized to be seen as minister in training.
“Step 4″ is finishing my requirements for ordination and being approved by the council to proceed as an Ordained Elder for the Church of the Nazarene worldwide.
My interview to begin this next step, which will ultimately pave the way for my ordination in a few years, is May 14.
It is in my current life struggles that I am somewhat concerned that I will be told “I am not ready” or that “I am not stable enough to minister” because of how I may emotionally respond to some of the questions they ask. I can only answer one way- with 100% honesty and how that is perceived is in whatever manner they discern.
I want to stress, though, that I am not concerned that this interview will determine my worth nor that it confirms what I know God has set me forth to do…but I don’t want to self-sabotage myself either!
However, I read this thought process and found it appropriate for all of us as we get battered by life and still go out to do the work God called us to:
Psalm 126:5-6 ~Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest (NLT).
We may cry (be broken even) as we go do the work we are called to do but when it is done we will be joyful to see its completion from our obedience.
“God’s ability to restore life is beyond our understanding. Forests burn down and are able to grow back. Broken bones can heal. Even grief is not a permanent condition. Our tears can be seeds that will grow into a harvest of joy because God is able to bring good out of tragedy. When burdened by sorrow, know that your times of grief will end and that you will again find joy. We must be patient while we wait. God’s great harvest of joy IS coming!” (NIV Life Application Study Bible)
“Can you still encourage and build even when you are facing your own life crisis? Can you still point others to where their source of strength lies when you are in one of your darkest moments?”
(The 365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mothers 145)
Well can I???
In my quest for authenticity, I struggle with writing when my reality becomes a crushing pressure. I want to write my thoughts and feelings…even the deep, dark, ugly truths…but I fear my intensity will be misunderstood as something other than real…I doubt whether people really want the truth or if they are more content with believing the surface appearance that I have it all together?
Well…
Jesus told us that in this world we will have troubles but to take heart because He overcame this world…and the troubles in it.
That means, Christ follower or not, I will have pain…trials…suffering…illness…doubts that plague me…grief…fear…
Having peace in the midst of it all is the purpose of this blog…I guess that means I am going to be challenged in my purpose.
The picture above was from last night. It was 2:30 in the morning and I was awake on the couch under the comforting weight of a 90lb black lab on loan and my own sweet- pea shitzu, Max.
I had a good day yesterday. I felt pretty decent for the first time in a few weeks. The weather was nice outside which allowed for the windows to be open to let the spring air inside. My guys all seemed content with where they were in life and in our home. We had some good friends stop by for a fun, laughter filled visit. The son of my heart made us a yummy dinner to enjoy as a family around the table.
I went to sleep with a smile watching the antics of Chip Gaines on TV’s Fixer Upper.
I woke up with a start at 1:30 am…a cry was on my lips that almost escaped verbally as I surfaced to awareness. My heart suddenly squeezed tight as one word threatened to leave my throat in a guttural scream from deep within my stomach: “NOOOO!”
As I silenced the sound I instantly found my breath was gone and I could not breathe.
I quickly sat up and realized the panic for what it was…It had snuck up on me and ambushed me in its attack in the vulnerability of my sleep.
As a follower of Jesus, I am well versed in the scriptures…I have quoted so many here over this beginning year of blogging; I can hear them in my sleep speaking truth into my subconscious.
I believe that in perfect love there is no fear.
I believe that was intended for evil God has and can use for His good.
I believe that God works all things together for His good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.
I believe that God IS love itself.
I believe that God is the embodiment of good.
I believe that only good and perfect things come from God and NOT the illness or brokenness of this world.
BUT:
These last few weeks have challenged my faith in ways I did not see possible.
It makes me wonder if me “saying that out loud” is helpful to someone else??
The inconvenience of my own health issues…the uncertainties of the treatment…the ongoing twists and turns as I heal slowly…has rattled my cage. It limits me. It fatigues me. It isolates me. It makes me feel weak as I strain to grasp my new reality while I adjust to living in a body that does not feel like my own.
This is my truth.
Here is my devotional: “No matter what our circumstances, there is a larger battle raging and we all have an assignment to do”…
The “NO” and panic were not about me…I do not appreciate my own health condition but it is a small part of the larger battle being fought. However, its ability to shake me has its devastating effect on my coping and fighting skills.
I have a friend that, when we met 17 years ago or so, we knew there was something special between us. We felt that kindred spirit flowing between us from the first conversation we ever had in a parking garage after work one morning.
Girlfriend’s are truly God’s gift to us, aren’t they?
Over the years we have grown up and grown apart, come together and distanced again…as life took each of us on the different curvy roads we travelled.
Our families are friends…our children the same age…we know the ins and outs of each other’s family relationships as well as we know each other’s kitchen cupboards.
She has metastatic cancer.
There. I said it.
I am a grief “counselor” of sorts…and I am collapsing in my pain of the possibility of not having her in my life. The grief is unbearable. The pain is unrelenting. It leaves in my waking hours as I search for things to be thankful for…but it comes with a crashing blow in my sleep and takes my breath away.
I help others. I encourage others.
Yet, I struggle intensely with this.
I have had loss…I have had beauty made out of the ashes of my life…I know God is faithful…
But I hurt in ways I cannot express except through a panic attack in my sleep and tears that come without warning.
She is beautiful, loving, funny…and mortal. She is a fighter to her core with a strength that belies her small frame. I will fight with her and for her every step of the way as I am allowed. We will not quit until the race is finished.
“A good soldier stays focused and pleases his commander”…I have a job to do as an encourager because it is what I have been created for…I desire to please God with my obedience to do the task set before me…but I am battle worn.
With the battle scars that have been created lately still raw and fresh, I need to push on. As the depression that threatens to overwhelm me washes over me in waves, I need to endure. When hopelessness beckons and threatens to take me on a path filled with despair and lies, I need to hang onto my anchor of truth.
Joyce Meyer’s “Closer to God Each Day” devotional instructs that “one part of fighting the good fight of faith is being able to recognize the enemy…to choose to take action…”
We don’t use this as much anymore as we used to but the analogy is still pretty clear:
“You and I don’t have to be punching bags for the devil; instead we can be fighters. We can stand firm in faith and know that God IS good and that good things are going to happen to us…Stand firm! Fight! Lift up your shield of faith!”
As my doubts rage on and my feelings try to pull me under, I choose to find reasons to be thankful and post them on Facebook. As my anger boils under the surface, I choose to listen to my “Jesus Music” (as my son’s call it). As my attention span seems limited, I choose to spend time in the Word and seek for whatever the Lord will have me read.
I live my days lately where the Lord feels distant…but I see Him looking down on His Son as Jesus looked up to Him in the heavens crying out “why have You forsaken Me” while on the cross…He stands as a Father watching His child in agony with tears streaming down His own cheeks.
He is doing the same with me.
When will He intercede? When will He bring good from all this? I don’t know.
But He is watching me…and loving me just the same.
Bear with me while on this journey… I do not know where it will lead but I do know I will be honest in it.
In my nursing profession, I know them to mean that a collection of blood has formed under the surface of skin. If the discoloration grows or spreads in the beginning stages, or makes a lump under the surface (we call that a hematoma) then the bleeding has not ceased but continues- which requires manual pressure to the site, a form of coagulation, or even surgery to stop the flow of blood.
After the bleeding stops under the surface, this interesting pattern of color appears. As the blood cells are reabsorbed the color changes more until the skin returns to its original tone.
The bruise tells the story.
The size and location speak to the injury.
The color determines the time of the healing process.
However, it is not like a scar, which may forever stick with you. A bruise will disappear after time and take with it all the physical memories while leaving the emotional ones on the inside for only you to see….whereas a scar is there for the world to see for a much longer period of time- if it goes away at all or simply fades.
I have bruises on my body that are healing and will go away to leave me to process the memory of my recent experience of illness..and I will gain more as the recovery process begins to bring about stabilization.
But, I have loved ones who have scars.
And their scars have, in fact, bruised me in a different way than an IV or multiple blood draws ever could.
Their pain affects me in a place where only I feel the affects and feel the bruise. Only I can feel the manual pressure held onto my heart to stop the bruise from spreading and then watch it change colors slowly with its healing.
Just to be bruised again.
My bruises will heal while their scars will remain.
This is what I am learning about being bruised:
Loving someone means you feel their pain with them…even it gets messy or complicated.
Loving someone means you stay put under the pressure even when the bruising hurts and you want to be freed from the press that is crushing you.
Loving someone means to forgive them for being hurtful because they hurt….Jesus said “Father forgive them for they know not what they do” as He was being “hurt” through His crucifixion- what an example to follow!
Loving someone means being patient in the affliction….there is not always a set time table to a resolution and we all know problems don’t happen at a convenient time either.
My bruises are healing but I will be bruised again- this I know.
I can’t help but to stay put, to step into the battle, to intercede, to beg for mercy, to shower those I love with love- whether it is received well or perceived as a nuisance…I can’t stop anymore than I can stop breathing.
Our bodies were made to handle the bruising, to contain the injury, and to heal…
So was my spirit.
Psalm 16:11 tells me that God has made known to me the path of life
(past tense- He has shown me already His plan through Jesus so the search should be over about what path to follow- I choose LIFE)
He will fill me with joy in His presence…
(I better keep getting into it then)
Stage 4 cancer has bruised me.
The war on depression has bruised me.
Fear of the unknown has bruised me.
Anxiety over the choices others can make that have the ability to deeply wound me has bruised me.
My own limitations and weaknesses in situations have bruised me.
But…with God’s grace, I will stay and allow myself to be available to be bruised again because I choose to live a life of loving others.
Jesus Calling writes that God will never lead me to do something without first equipping me for the task.
I have been equipped to heal and to stand again.
So…using words I choose to take out of context and inject deeper meaning into…I will go with you.
Help me, Lord, to be joyful in hope and faithful in prayer as I go where the hurting happens.
Cancer comes back and takes on bizarre forms that you are completely unprepared for- no matter how much you think you know about cancer.
Depression doesn’t just “go away” and can resurface its nasty daggers back into wounds you thought were healing….leaving you challenged to face temptations that are still too easily within your reach.
Infections can form at the most inopportune time and in the most unfortunate places that force you to be humbled beyond measure-more than you ever thought possible- for a need of assistance from others.
Remission may only be an illusion or temporary.
I wrote this from a hospital bed where I was in need of help from others to do things I have done for others as an RN for almost 25 years.
And…it…sucked (forgive my language-my son says that is a swear word).
But…it.did…bad. And the memory of what happened paired with the journey yet to come still does.
Without detail, let’s just say I am mortified at what I need help with.
I hate it.
I appreciate the help I am receiving but it is something I have not wanted to deal with ever since I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease at the ripe old age of 14.
I find myself crying uncontrollably at the inability to make this be something it is not…to make it “look better” , to “disguise it” with a pretty coat or make up as if the appearance will change the shape of the actual condition.
Does that make any sense?
But no matter the look of the package the reality of what the package actually is remains.
You see, whatever you may be dealing with, be it cancer, depression, illnesses, or whatever else, it can’t be hidden or disguised because they just are there.
I am not saying they define me or you…I am saying that medical conditions may lay dormant or can be hidden from public view but that does not negate the fact that they are there.
Here is my problem- and many have this same one- I have thought that the treatment is the cure when in actuality it is the process of recovery that leads to the healing.
This has been my thinking:
I take my medicine so therefore I should be fine.
I eat healthy so therefore I should be fine.
I go to therapy and make significant life changes so therefore I should be fine.
I have surgery to remove the tumor and chemo to kill the cancer so therefore should be fine.
I have surgery to drain the abscess and have pain significantly diminished so therefore I should be fine.
Fine can be relative folks.
I am not trying to be pessimistic as I am usually an optimistic person…but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be more realistic.
My perspective is forced to shift as I am struggling with my own pain, my own future uncertainties and adjustments, and as I wait to watch the process in those I love deepest as they deal with their own future uncertainties.
For me, therefore, hope cannot be found in the cure only…because, perhaps, there is no cure but only a recovery process.
The hope has to be in something so much more as hopelessness beckons me and so many others. It has to be grasped onto sooner and not in the promise of the cure or healing.
I need the light to shine on me in the process, in the pain, in the questions…
I need warmth in the cold of disillusionment.
So here I am…challenged to cling to what I believe and not what I feel. I am challenged to live the faith I encourage others to have. I am challenged to practice what I preach.
So…
My process looks like crying.
It is listening to music that contain words meant to wash over me and through me and beg for their truth to resonate within me.
It is to spend time with my mom.
It is to lay in bed with my boys and just be with them.
It is holding hands with my husband.
It is talking to my friend on the phone and simply let myself give into the love I have for her.
It is enjoying the simple pleasures of life like listening to the child of my heart humming, eating cake he and my son made for me, watching my husband laugh with our other son and play with our dog.
The process of recovery is not a fun place to be.
I am not thankful for the circumstances around me one little bit.
But I want to be thankful for the lessons that come from it all.
My morning devotional tells me that encouragement is a good way to deliver the message of love of God to others.
I believe in spiritual gifts…that we all have been gifted in something that when used in conjunction with the Lord can become incredibly fruitful for His kingdom but also in our own lives.
I don’t know if it is a spiritual gift per se, but I think I am created to be an encourager.
I have a friend who went through one of the biggest challenges of his life a few years ago where a literal gift of life was what was needed to save him…he called me his cheerleader during that time of his journey.
That struck a chord in me…I doubt he knew I had been a cheerleader in junior high…I doubt he knew how I coached and cheered elementary girls on in a Girls on the Run program…I doubt he knew I paced the sidelines waiting for my son’s and the others I enjoyed watching run by me in track, go up to bat, steal second base, or stand the line in football awaiting the next play…
But he knew anyhow…because I chose to encourage him through words, texts, and songs.
I didn’t feel I did much then but yet I know NOW that when I am compelled to say SOMETHING to someone in an encouraging way I can no more stay silent than I can stop my next breath.
” We cannot change other people. They have to make a personal decision to come to faith…They have to travel that road for themselves. Your part is to make that road appealing and easy to travel. You can do that by sharing your own story of hope with them. Simply tell them how God has met a need in your life.”~365 Most Important Bible Passages for Mother’s.
Making a path clear and appealing looks like going ahead of someone and sweeping away the debris that clutters the road; giving a warning of a possible danger that could harm them like a hole or a root or even a snake (!); pointing out the beauty of the area as we journey along together..we all know some paths are tedious-so joy on the journey makes for much better company than grouchiness!
Telling others our faith sounds so scary when the pressure is on us for something to come out of that sharing..but telling others of what encourages us is rather easy and actually kind of fun to share because it is for the purpose of being there with them in that particular moment.
It lifts my spirits to lift yours with encouragement.
Be encouraged today, my friends.
May your path be more clear as you see the beauty around you instead of staring at the hazards or worry about the unknowns.
“Your God says~ Speak kindly to the people”- Isaiah 40:1
I am reading John 9 and the story of the blind beggar being healed by Jesus.
The story starts with John telling us that as Jesus walked through the city He saw the man who had been born blind. This man was not like others whom Jesus had healed that cried out to Him for help, who were carried into His presence by friends, or who surrounded Him as He taught.
It is as if this man had accepted his fate, his trial, his troubles..but Jesus saw him.
The disciples then asked him, I would assume maybe because Jesus paused to look upon the man who could not see Him in return with compassion, why was he born blind? Was it because of something his parents did wrong? Or a sin of his own?
In essence- they were asking why does bad things happen for no reason sometimes??
Jesus answer was perfect: it was not because of a sin or for a punishment…it is for God’s glory to be revealed in his life.
The reality is that innocent people suffer. If God took all our suffering away when we asked Him to, would we worship Him for who He is or would we follow Him for comfort and convenience?
That question leads into the next part of the story- the healing.
One would hope that once healed this man’s life would get easier…he should be able to get a job, have a life finally instead of sitting around begging for his existance.
One would hope that Jesus would just heal him…poof! Like magic.
Jesus chose to spit in the dirt to make mud to rub on his face.
I am an RN. Let me tell you, as a person who works with mucus daily, we do not want that rubbed on us..especially someone else’s spit.
Remember, this man is blind…he cannot see Jesus face to know compassion is in it…he may not even know who this Jesus is because he is a man who sat off to the side waiting for scraps from the public.
This man is probably sitting before a man that just rubbed spit-mud on his face.
The healing process was messy.
How many times do I want Jesus to absolve me of my suffering with a snap of His fingers?
How many times do I ask for a removal of my pain without asking for the strength to endure the process of healing?
Again, as an RN, I see wounds heal…but sometimes the process is messy. Believe it or not, we still use leeches…maggots do eat dead flesh…we scrape off loose skin…we make cuts, put tubes where tubes do not belong, and we ask people to measure their body fluid, weigh them daily, and put patients into strange physical positions…all for the healing process.
It is not always pretty…fast…painless.
Neither was it for this blind beggar.
Next comes the part where he is healed…he should be rejoicing and people should be celebrating with him, right? He was healed after all…
But…Life seemed to get messier after the healing.
He was singled out, not for celebration, but for questions.
His identity, who he was as a person, was suddenly up for debate.
His family was brought forward to confirm whether or not his suffering all those years had even been real…had he been faking his blindness just in case a man came along to put spit-mud on his face to “fake heal” him someday?
Was his whole life a ruse? A lie?
Was his suffering not as bad as it seemed? Had he been overly dramatic?
He was ridiculed instead of celebrated.
His life suddenly got more complicated instead of easier now that the supposed barrier to a full, happy life was removed.
Interesting isn’t it?
What he always thought was keeping him unhappy and isolated was finally removed and yet…things (life) was still hard.
I ask myself…has healing from my spiritual, emotional, physical wounds made my life easier? Or messier?
I finally get what I want…like this blind beggar…a release from my suffering…but life is still complicated. My healing has seemingly brought its own issues…
This blind beggar was thrown out of his church for choosing to believe in the One who healed him….who released him from his bondage of suffering.
This blind man was thrown under the bus by his own family because they did not want to get into trouble on his account- they had been the ones who watched his suffering the closest and longest- from the moment it began at his birth…and yet…they refused to acknowledge the miracle for what it was on his behalf.
So here he is…alone, rejected, still a cast out, still isolated but healed.
Except now he sees Jesus and chose to believe in Him who heals even when the healing didn’t look as picture perfect as maybe he had imagined.
Intead, it pointed to the Healer…to give God the glory…
…it was not about the blindness at all…
It never had been.
This story tells me that either in my suffering, and believe me- I suffer, or in the resolution of what causes me pain my situation can bring glory to God for that is the purpose of my existence.
It is NOT for me I live…it is because of HIS breath in my lungs I am alive. It is for HIS glory I live for I am His creation….I am His.
In my suffering or in my healing…I am a light to display Christ.
Food for thought this morning as I process my own desired healing..
Here is a morning “aha” from my NIV Life Application Study Bible based on the passage from Colossians 3:15 to let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.
To rule is like an umpire at a baseball game…the one calling the shots, making sure things are fair, but not the one playing the game although closely observing while often greatly criticized.
Our hearts are what need to be ruled by peace.
~Our hearts are the center of conflict because there our feelings and desires clash: hopes vs fears, distrust vs trust, jealousy vs love.
How can we deal with the constant conflict and live the way God intended us to live??
We have to make a choice…we need to choose between the conflicts..
How??
By using the RULE OF PEllCE:
Which choice will promote peace in our souls, our churches, our homes, our schools, our workplaces, our communities?
Promote does NOT mean give peace to the situation, not does is guarantee peace in the conflict…but to promote it means to push it forward, lift it up, highight it, bring it to the surface…
Remember the umpire who does his job right and makes one team satisfied with his ruling while disappointing the other?
What Kind of Peace Is This? 